The Footie Professor

The FIFA Revolution Will Not Be Televised... Unless Of Course You've Got a $40,000 Bribe

2011-06-04T00:04:00.009-04:00

It’s time to dust off your top coat and tails class. Not for an elegant ball at FIFA House, or an elaborate royal wedding with a runaway horse.... no. You're putting on the ritz for Footie 101.

I've heard the grumbling...

For months, The FP has left you waiting with baited breath for even the slightest inkling of insight into the goings on of the beautiful game.

To be fair, I’ve been watching, thinking, choosing the time to speak. And now is that time.

Much has happened in the six months since FIFA chose Russia and Qatar to host the 2018 and 2022 World Cups respectively. I’m still having a hard time typing those words, but few of the subsequent events have been important enough to make The FP break my silence – until the past week.

So much has happened that Sports Illustrated is biting my last post (from six months ago) and footie’s top sponsors (adidas, Coke and Visa) are publicly scolding FIFA.

Sure, the European domestic footie season climaxed in dramatic fashion, Italian Don Senore Silvio Berlusconi was charged with having sex with a 17-year-old Moroccan prostitute at his “Bunga Bunga” sex parties, and FC Barthhhelona galloped over Manchester United to be crowned European club champions.

But unlike the involuntary sneazing fits I've suffered from the dust unsettled in my spring cleaning, all of the season's travails pale in comparison to the dust-up and power move we all witnessed in the days leading up to FIFA King Sepp Blatter being ceremoniously coronated Wednesday for a fourth term. In the previous week he’d:

· Admitted being offered a bribe, making himself more vulnerable than any time in his reign;

· Side-stepped two ethics probes;

· Redirected that same scrutiny toward his sole rival for the FIFA crown (forcing his adversary to withdraw from the race);

· Walked off the stage of a news conference hastily-called to address the ethical “crisis” within FIFA;

· Told the impudent English Football Association to piss off;

· And then… THEN, was re-elected without opposition.

And on the seventh day, he rested.

Who’s bad…?

Now class, many serious and thoughtful people dedicate their lives to the study of politics, but rarely will you find a more demonstrative example of the art of power wielding than King Sepp's actions in the past week.

Call him a slightly senile, misogynistic, probably corrupt, power-hungry Swiss chameleon if you like, but The King knows how to run s@#t.

Next time you're caught in something, or confronted about an obvious problem you're responsible for, do what King Sepp did.

Asked about the crisis in FIFA, The King replied: "Crisis, what is a crisis?" Substitute your issue for "crisis," lather, rinse, repeat, and you're off the hook like a River Monster.

The FP suspects this mid-week melodrama was King Sepp's latest ruse to make us all forget about that goal line technology he promised months ago.

Lost in the mire of last week is how The King threw one of his most trusted allies (CONCACAF President Jack Warner) under the bus as part of his power move. Warner, along with Asian football head Mohammed Bin Hammam, have both been suspended indefinitely from FIFA, prompting Warner to declare in an angry Caribbean accent:“Blatter must be stopped.” And on election day, Bin Hammam was even barred entry into the FIFA compound.

The day after Warner made Blatter his personal public enemy #1, he flip-flopped and urged CONCACAF's member nations to unanimously support Blatter in the election. Jack knows where is roti is buttered.

But the the instability is deep in CONCACAF, where it’s General Secretary (and girthy Jedi Knight) American Chuck Blazer, was the source of information implicating Warner and Bin Hammam for separately offering $40,000 vote bribes. As a result, Warner’s temporary CONCACAF replacement Lislie Austin unsuccessfully attempted to fire Blazer. A word of advice to Mr. Austin - the Jedi Mind Trick only works on the weak-minded.

Meanwhile, Warner (seen below and to the right of Obi Wan Buffet) is promising to present damning emails from The King tomorrow. Stay tuned, this CONCACAF/FIFA cannibalism is far from over. Oh, did I mention that CONCACAF’s premier bi-annual tournament – the Gold Cup – also kicks off tomorrow? And somehow, we all know it can't be any better than the FIFA family show we all just saw.

Potentially more earth-shattering than CONCACAF feeding on itself, or Blatter's repeated ability to make FIFA delegates look cheaper than 5 minutes with a $20 hooker, are the increasingly public declarations from promienet FIFA officials that they suspect Qatar bribed its way into hosting the 2022 WC.

Consequently, a thorough and independent investigation into the Qatari selection is imminent. How thorough and independent can a FIFA investigation be you say? How about hiring Louis Freeh - the former head of the FBI! That independent enough for you?

But Freeh may soon realize that jewel of wisdom shared by Da Mayor in "Do The Right Thing."

Those that'll tell, don't know. And those that know, won't tell.

On the surface, a serious investigation sounds promising for football at-large and the USA in particular. A reputable firm has finally been hired to once-and-for-all root out the bribers and bribees from FIFA.

And if, as suspected, Bin Hammam and Qatar are found to have improperly paid for the votes that won the desert nation the WC, it is widely speculated that the United States – Qatar’s runner-up to host the 2022 WC – will be the 2022 host by default.

Anybody remember 1984's Miss America by default, Suzette Charles?

Now, regular readers of The FP will know I’ve been an unabashed advocate of the US hosting the WC. I have my reasons, most of them selfish, but all legitimate. However, given that Qatar has been selected – no matter how corrupt the process – I’m adamant that taking the WC from Qatar and handing it to the US will have dire international repercussions.

You’ll remember me blogging that The King rose to power and maintains his power through a coalition of nations of color – specifically Asia and Africa, where he promised and delivered WCs in 2002 and 2010. He’s subsequently shepherded a WC to South America – Brazil 2014 – further placating his core power base.

Among all the media-stoked bewilderment at Russia and Qatar’s selections, is the continuing motif that King Sepp is doling out WCs to the emerging world, and Russia and the Middle East are two of the last major players waiting for their turn with the sporting lady known as FIFA – China's still waiting its turn.

Although I genuinely believe King Sepp did not want the WC going to Qatar – Russia is open to debate – he more than anyone knows it is better to let sleeping jackals lie. As I’ve said before, you can’t knowingly enter into a corrupt bidding process and, upon losing because you were out-bribed – protest the result based on its corruption.

Further, Qatar's selection to host world sport’s premier showcase has been a clear source of pride for the Arab and Muslim worlds. Can you imagine the negative sentiment in the Arab world directed States-side if that pride were stripped away and handed to the nation with the biggest anti-Muslim reputation on the globe?!

As I see it, it'd be justice, but justice that would come at far too heavy a price.

For that reason, I say leave the WC in Qatar, or give it to someone else, but not the United States.
Didn't see that one coming, did ya!

In other news:

The annual Italian Serie A match fixing scandal is upon us;
Blog favorite Diegooooooooo Maradona has called FIFA execs "dinosaurs;"
England/ManU striker Wayne Rooney wants to get that fresh new Donald Trump doo;
Old Argentine footballers apparently don't like Brazilian virgins;
Greek club football is violent... and self-suspended;
And American goalkeeper Brad Friedel is dead to me.

And now, your footie anecdote:

Last week, while the FIFA Family was at war with itself, the world lost one of the most innovative and conscientious musicians of the past 40 years. Gil Scott-Heron, who prophetically crooned “The Revolution Will Not Be Televised” in 1970, and subsequently became a cult figure across several musical genres, died May 27 at the age of 62.

Few remember or even know that Scott-Heron was the son of Gil Heron, who in 1951 became the first black player at Glasgow Celtic in Scotland. This was a massive move for a predominantly Catholic club that still balks at signing Protestant players to this day.

So in honor of father and son, I dedicate Scott-Heron’s “Home is Where the Hatred Is” to FIFA, CONCACAF, Scottish sectarianism, and the US 2022 WC bid for 2022.

CLASS DISMISSED

Joao and the Amazing Multicolored Postcolonial DreamVote

2010-12-07T13:18:00.002-05:00

You gotta know when to hold em, fold em, walk away, and when to run class. So put your chips all in, hide that fifth ace, and keep the get-away-car running, because it’s time again for Footie 101.

First, let me offer my full and genuine congratulations to Russia (2018) and Qatar (2022) – the nation’s

which have won the honor of hosting the FIFA World Cup – in my mind, the world’s most spectacular socio-political tribal event. No matter what one believes, you can’t accept the terms of the selection process and then whine about them after losing.

I may not be in Russia in 2018, or Qatar in 2022, but I raise my glass to them both and wish them all the best. Well played sirs… well played.

I liken the WC selection process to US presidential elections, which have lacked a certain veracity and transparency throughout American history. The presidential winner invariably is whoever gets away with the dirtiest trick; and both major US political parties willingly and repeatedly play by those rules.

Think George W. was the first to strong-arm an election in 2000? Then you need to read how JFK raised the dead in Chicago and unleashed the mob on poor W. Virginia union workers to get into the White House in 1960. And these tactics go all the way back to the Founding Fathers.

Now I want it clear for all to read; The FP was deeply disturbed last week when Qatar was selected. This had as much to do with my own future prospects as my own belief that Qatar was not the best place to host the tournament; but “best” by my own selfish and colonial perspective.

You see class; the world is not the Western-controlled empire most of us grew up in. In fact, the postcolonial / post Cold War global power shift to Asia, Russia and the Middle East has already taken place – we just continue to live the deluded lives of the imperialist fixated on a vanishing Super Power mirage. It’s a subject I often engage thoughtful friends with, and even taught when I was actually a university professor.

The wealth created and stockpiled by Western Europe and the United States already resides in Asia and the Middle East – with Russia a late arrival to the party. This took place over the past two generations in which oil and technology became the commodities that turned the wheels of the global industrial and informational economies. You see our oil addiction – to run the automobiles, aircraft and ships that facilitate the global economy – has always been predominantly serviced by the opulent fuel reserves in the Middle East and former Soviet Union.

Further, the massive military spending to “win” the Cold War and negotiate its treacherous weapons-of-mass-destruction littered aftermath needed to be financed by someone. Not sure who loaned all that loot to build-up a conventional US military that now fights unconventional wars?

I often say that if China showed up in the States tomorrow and asked for its money back, the best the US could do is offer California as a modest down payment. Cali, by the way, is the wealthiest state in the country and boasts a larger Gross Domestic Product than all but eight nations of the world.

Now bring all that politics back to sport. It’s a documented, but often overlooked, fact that international sport organizations (such as FIFA) act on social and human issues long before conventional international organizations (such as United Nations) even recognize them. Some might say sport groups actually lead the UN and NATO.

For example, it was international table tennis in 1956, the IOC in 1964, international track and field in 1966, and International cricket in 1970 that first boycotted South Africa’s brutal system of racial segregation called Apartheid. The UN followed in (drum roll please)…. 1985.

These early sport boycotts, many argue, were reflections of the growing deconstruction of colonized lands (made up largely of “non-whites”) and the international empowerment of those “non-whites” in largely “white-led” international organizations. During the colonial period Europe (generally considered “white”) conquered lands in Asia, Africa, the Americas, and the Middle East. The wealth of these lands filled the coffers of successive empires in Portugal (1400s-1700s), Spain (1500s-1899), France (1500s-1958), the Netherlands (1500s-1975), and England (late 1400s-1999).

The Western world we live in today was funded by the wealth earned (some say stolen) by conquering and exploiting those lands. But by the post WWII 1950s, many of these nations demanded the freedom the Allies (including the colonies) had fought the Axis to maintain. Consequently, a succession of African, Asian, Middle Eastern and Latin American nations fought for and gained their independence. Often first leading the call internationally were international sport organizations.

With that newfound independence came representation in the international community; and while most multinational groups incorporated these “non-white” nations into their democratically-run predominantly "white"organizations, the most powerful – like the UN, NATO, the IOC and FIFA – devised executive structures that kept ultimate control in the hands of the former colonizers.

This was also largely true in the international sport community until 1974 when cagey (and conventionally “white”) Brazilian Joao Havelange wrestled control of FIFA out of the hands of its English head at the time Sir Stanley Rous. Though Joao Sidious is considered proxy European, his palace coup meant that a continent of people mixed mostly with Native, European and African blood would run FIFA from then on. Joao’s protégé and successor – current FIFA King Sepp Blatter (though Swiss) – inherited power and maintains it through a coalition of postcolonial nations in the FIFA executive committee.

The King came to power (with his mentor’s help) by wooing the postcolonial votes; maintained that power (after an early corruption scandal) by promising and delivering a world cup to postcolonial Africa; and currently reigns supreme by adjusting his coalition to feature fuel-rich former European colony Qatar and fuel-rich post-Soviet Russia.

It’s worth noting that while Western Europe struggled with postcolonialization, the USSR was coming unraveled. It took a generation to stabilize, but the Russians who de-nationalized latent post-Soviet industry into staggering wealth (like the baby seal-soul-sucking Roman Abramovich seen celebrating his purchase at FIFA House) now sit financially firm at the global powerbroker table once occupied only by Portugal, Spain, the Netherlands, France, Britain and the US.

By the way, my money is on China (the benevolent bank of the West) to host the World Cup in 2030.

So in essence, what we saw happen at FIFA House last week was the first bold declaration by the postcolonial / post Cold War world that the West don’t run things anymore. Yes, it was done in sport, but remember, sport often drives the first nail into the house later claimed by the conventional international community.

Perhaps I'll address the African and Latin America lag, and the social construction that is "race" in a later blog.

As for the US bid, we brought a knife to a gun fight; simple as that. And that much-maligned Aussie bid? Their two-vote haul should be a learning experience to divine which way the global wind is blowing and adjust their sails. Oz football took an initial step towards this (if unwittingly) in 2006 when it left the powerless Oceana Federation and joined the Asian Football Confederation.

And all that bellyaching coming from England – the bidding nation that’s sole vote was cast from its own executive committee member – I have to say it’s a classic case of the chickens coming home to roost. If the sun hadn’t already set on the British Empire, it just did.

And now, your postcolonial/Cold War World Cup footie anecdote:

Former England international striker Gary Lineker has admitting relieving his bowels during a 1990 World Cup match with Ireland. Said Lineker: "You can see me rubbing the ground like a dog. It’s filmed ... but unless you know (what was happening) you wouldn’t know.”

Now YOU know.

CLASS DISMISSED

ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS THE 2022 WORLD CUP

2010-11-30T10:51:00.003-05:00

Get out your ~~check books~~ credit cards and spend with reckless holiday abandon class, it’s time for Footie 101.

The football world has suddenly become as strange and confusing to The FP as testimoy to the Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer. Things that were straight have become crooked, and up has become down. It can only mean one thing… football’s Darth Sidious has risen from his figurative crypt to pull the strings of the Beautiful Game once more.

Yes, the Brazilian capo dei capi Joao Havelange has returned!

The first reported sighting took place just before one of the biggest dates in world football that most schmoes know nothing about – Soccerex. It’s essentially THE world football convention and Darth Havelange – the man credited with making football a global financial juggernaut AND wrestling total control of the Beautiful Game from Europe – emerged from the crypt just before and during to say that he talked Brazilian Football Confederation president Ricardo Teixeira out of contesting the FIFA presidency next year, but has encouraged Teixeira (his son-in-law - yeah, that's right) to run in four years.

More than being a significant decree that immediately shook the footie world, the timing must be noted. It came a couple weeks before FIFA will choose the host nations for the 2018 and 2022 WCs. Given the intrigue and shenanigans taking place in the buildup to Thursday morning’s announcement, Darth’s comments must be recognized.

You see the election for FIFA president takes place in June 2011 and some of the likely challengers to FIFA King Sepp Blatter’s third term reign have already publicly backed down to avoid jeopardizing the chances of the WC bids they are actively promoting. None stands out more than Asian Football Confederation’s powerful president and FIFA executive committee member Mohamed Bin Hammam, who flirted with challenging King Sepp, but demurred to keep hope alive for the Qatari 2022 bid.

Meanwhile, others have already all but announced their intention to oust King Sepp. Most notable was South Korean Football Vice President Chung Mong-Joon, who also happens to run the Hyundai Empire. Joon has repeatedly suggested his firm (but not official) intention to defy The King in 2011. Despite his billions, I foresee a tragic end for Joon’s FIFA aspirations. Do the words “Sell Mortimer, sell!” mean anything to you…?

All but rewarded for services rendered is South African World Cup Chairman Danny Jordaan, whose uncontested ascent to S. African Football’s vice presidency took place over the weekend. Despite recent controversy over vote trading for the upcoming WC vote, Jordaan readily admits he used it to get the WC to S. Africa. Having successfully hosted the WC, Jordaan’s new post makes him eligible for a seat on the nearly all-powerful FIFA executive committee… in 2011 – the circle is now complete.

I say the executive committee is NEARLY all-powerful because as we know, The King runs this. And who made the king? That’s right, Darth Havelange.

Meanwhile, the jockeying and vote collusion is intensifying right up until Thursday’s vote. The most recent thunderbolt was a BBC investigative report that aired Monday called “FIFA’s Dirty Secrets.” It alleges that three top FIFA executive committee members have taken bribes in the past, or improperly scalped WC tickets. The allegations have even precipitated an official investigation from the bastions of above board sport operations – the International Olympic Committee.

Needless to say, the England bid organizers, who’ve known about the report for weeks, are struggling to maintain that much vaunted stiff upper lip. Odds makers have England third best likely to land the 2018 showcase behind Russia and the joint Spain-Portugal bid. But the Russkies have their own alleged problems.

Meanwhile, Qatar bid chief advocate Bin Hammam has accused various media outlets of conspiring through a “hidden war” to scuttle the desert nation’s chances. But then recent reports put Qatar as the odds on favorite for 2022.

Qatar’s chief rival for 2022 is the US-of-A. Despite dissing Qatar as an over-heated deathtrap, US bid organizers have deftly added political firepower and Hollywood paparazzi to their bid in its closing stages. Former US President (and still global pimp) Bill Clinton will deliver the bid presentation. Meanwhile, America’s current voice of god Morgan Freeman will add his calming baritone to the presentation.

The rival bid responses: Qatar added another camel to the caravan delivering its’ bid, some fresh dates, and complimentary shoe-sand removers for all visitors; Australia will insert a caveat into its new proposed law banning smoking in public places that would allow chain-smoking Europeans and Asians to suck on their cancer sticks all they want in calendar 2022; and S. Korea promised to postpone the start of a thermonuclear war with its neighbors to the north until after 2022.

And the Japanese bid response…

It’s all so tasty… so I suggest you saddle up to your television Thursday around 9:30 a.m. for the festivities. FYI, people stateside will have their choice of networks to watch for the announcement. I suggest Fox Soccer Channel, which will have a pre-announcement show on the day before and lengthy pre- and post-announcement coverage on announcement day.

Meanwhile, the World Wide Leader (in American sports)’ self-confessed new focus on the Beautiful Game is sadly inadequate for the magnitude of the announcement. Despite being the official television partner of the WC in the US, the WWL(IAS) is only carrying the live announcement. As of now, it’s not clear which WWL(IAS) channel will carry the announcement, but I put my money on ESPN2. Others believe it’ll be on the WWL(IAS) live online stream ESPN3. If that’s the case, it is yet more evidence that they have no clue what they’re doing with our sport.

UPDATE: You can watch the bid presentations (which began Wednesday) at this FIFA link!

Lastly, it’s worth noting that the long struggle in Spain to share top flight football television revenues evenly in La Liga (instead of predominantly between the two big dogs of Barcelona and Real Madrid)… continues. Readers of the blog will remember The FP mentioning that other La Liga clubs were threatening to excommunicate the big two if they did not agree to more equitable TV revenue sharing. In response, the big two offered to reduce their 40% share to 34%. How generous.

Most of La Liga has acquiesced. But six clubs are holding out for a better deal and The FP salutes them.

And now, your football anecdote.

An English club manager has decried his team as the worst in Britain after conceding 227 goals in 11 matches. Madron FC Manager Alan Davenport made the admission after a 55-0 hammering to Illogan Reserves. Said Davenport: “I know everyone is probably laughing at us… (but) we have no plans to stop.” Asked about his players continued interest despite repeated shellackings, he added: “Fair play to them for showing up.”

CLASS DISMISSED

Legends Born as Paul RIP In Paul Gascoigne's Locker

2010-10-30T09:59:00.001-04:00

Good eeeeeeeeevening class. Bear your necks and prepare to be drained! It’s the special All Hallows Weekend edition of Footie 101!

Boo!

In keeping with the spooky prospects of the weekend, it must be noted that the week is bookended by the scariest coming together in the world of footie – the respective 70th and 50th birthdays of the two greatest footballers that ever lived - Edson Arantes do Nascimento (affectionately known to the world as Pele) and Diego Armando Maradona (the tortured genius).

Many of you have waited patiently for The FP to lecture on why I see Pele, and not Maradona, as the greatest of all time. But because of a flood of noteworthy footie info, today will not be that day. (It is worth noting that as bizarre as it sounds, Good Ole Diego has lost even more of his mind!)

Instead, I have lots of little items to bring to your attention.

First, a sad note. This week, the footie world lost one of its rising stars. Paul The Octopus lost his long fight with degenerative cartilage disease. He was 2 ½.

Next, the FIFA WC bid scandal continues to grow like a spawning plume of deadly Aussie jellyfish. It’s gotten so bad that Sony is considering withdrawing its sponsorship of the WC, and the International Olympic Committee (that the bastion of rightness and above-board operations) is offering its advice to FIFA King Sepp Blatter. Now isn’t that the pedophile calling the rapist a sex offender!

Meanwhile, more FIFA executives are continuing to stupidly get caught giving interviews telling the world just how corrupt the bidding process for the 2018 and 2022 WCs really is.The Sunday Times, the UK paper that caught two FIFC executive committee member asking for cash in exchange for their votes on Dec. 2, also taped FIFA’s former general secretary, Michel Zen-Ruffinen saying other executive committee members could be influenced by cash, another could be influenced by “ladies” and describing one as “the biggest gangster you will find on earth.” Shocking... absolutely shocking!
And then there’s the tat-a-tat between England and Russia. Apparently, the Russkies accused the Limeys of being violent drunkards (see pedophile calling rapist sex offender). But it’s all better now after the head of former Soviet footie said “Fucski! Can’t we all just drink and destroy property together?”

They should have sent deported Russian spy Ana Chapman to mediate..... now that's my kinda detente, indeed.

As for the allegations that the Spain-Portugal and Qatar bid groups have colluded to improve each other’s chances of being selected – a major no-no according to FIFA regulations, Zen-Ruffinen said: "This is not just a rumor, it is fact."

Of course, both bid groups deny the allegation.

Meanwhile, The FP thinks certain bids from certain Middle East nations are getting away with one this week, after American swimmer Fran Crippen died from exertion and high water temperature during a race in the United Arab Emirates. Now I know the bid officials from a certain Middle Eastern nation have made repeated assurances that the temperatures there will be mediated by technology, but the average hi-low in June is 106-81 and in July is 115-84… and Crippen died in OPEN WATER!

Then, there’s the Delusional Down Under Movement, which continues to… delude, as Aussie bid leaders are being praised for staying above the fray. This despite having been embroiled in its own FIFA bribery allegation, and having several teams in its top flight footie league teetering, or diving headlong into oblivion. Besides, would you really want to play the WC where Super Cross racing is venerated?

In Europe, Manchester United has moved to put the clean part of Rooneygate behind it by starting rumors that manager Sir Alex Ferguson is quietly recruiting “Barrrthelona” manager Pep Guardiola as his replacement.

Self-appointed replacement Jose Mourinho immediately announced the creation of an exploratory committee for an even better job.

And of course, with Liverpool FC being bought by Red Sox owner John W. Henry, we can expect improved results… and an increase in on-field homo-erotica.

Then there's disgraced former England striker Paul Gascoigne, who tried his best to emulate Charlie Sheen this week, but failed to bring his own porn star to the party. It's just so sad.... so sad.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, the MLS is going through an interesting growth/contraction – highlighted by the World Wide Leader in American Sports. New figures indicate that while attendance at MLS matches has increased 4 percent over the previous season, viewership on ESPN has dropped 12 percent. (Viewership on Fox Soccer Channel remains steady, but not growing).

Again, The FP calls for TWWL to either embrace the game as it is, or leave it alone. Otherwise, they’ll drive footie interest somewhere between Ishtar and Waterworld.

And now, your Mid-term elections inspired… footie anecdote. Even in Winnipeg, Canada, election campaign ads can take on frightening footie overtones. Think not? Sample this little ditty targeted at incumbent Mayor Sam Katz.

CLASS DISMISSED!

The Greed That Greed Created

2010-10-24T17:32:00.000-04:00

One side class; I’m on a mission from god – and that mission is called… Footie 101!

As my UK peeps would say, the club season is starting to “hot up.” But perhaps the Spanish “caliente” better describes what’s been happening in the world of football.

Just since we last met, there’s been: a FIFA cash-for-World Cup-votes scandal (wake me when there’s NOT a FIFA scandal); a pantomimed player strike in Italy’s Serie A (stopped as soon the right amount of lira landed in the right accounts); a top player demanding more money because his teammates aren’t good enough (that’s Mr. Potato Head logic); and love blossoming between a national team manager and the female reporter covering his latest friendly.

Let’s start there, with US Coach Bob Bradley making goo-goo eyes at Worldwide Leader in American Sports reporter (and former US women’s world cup winner) Julie Foudy. Am I the only one who noticed old Bob casting his heavenly grey-hazel-eyed gaze in J-Fo’s direction?

Pre-game:

Post-game:

We’ll get another chance to check on whether Le Bob shoots her the “strike hither” eyes again when the US plays South African in a possibly vuvuzela-less friendly Nov. 17.

Meanwhile, FIFA is in a tizzy caused by “devils,” according to King Sepp Blatter. Two members of the committee that will choose what nations host the 2018 and 2022 world cups have been suspended while FIFA continued to investigate claims in a British newspaper that they were willing to vote for certain bidding nations in return for donations.

Nigerian Federation President Amos Adamu allegedly (and unknowingly) asked an undercover Sunday Times reporter for $800,000 to fund a personal project in exchange for his vote. Tahiti's Reynald Temarii, a FIFA vice-president, allegedly asked for a cool $2.4 million to fund a sports academy.

This of course, throws the coming Dec. 2 vote on who’ll host the cups into a whirlwind. And all this follows the withdrawal of the US’ 2018 bid and England’s 2022 bid within hours of each other. FIFA “strongly prohibits” vote trading (unless it works to the benefit of his chosen destination), so the US stepping out of 2018 to focus on 2022 – reported to The FP in a previous blog – is not being investigated.

That’s not the case with the joint Spain-Portugal bid, or the Qatar bid – both of which are being investigated on charges they’ve colluded… you know, in the same way the Anglo-Allianced US and UK likely did… but more swarthy.

Barring a FIFA palace coup, expect the Brits to host in 2018 and the Yanks to host in 2022. So it has been written… so it shall be done!

Meanwhile, Manchester United and England striker Wayne Rooney held his club to ransom

last week to distract from the fact that his top sponsors are dropping him like a lepor with a bad cough after allegations surfaced that he had sex with a prostitute while his wife was pregnant with their child.

Acting like he was disappointed with the club’s ambitions (they’ve only won the three Premier Leagues, the Champions League, and three league cups since his arrival six years ago), Rooney said his teammates were not good enough and that the club wasn’t adding enough world class talent – so he wanted to leave. Given his value, there are realistically only a handful of clubs in the world that could afford him – Real Madrid, Barcelona, Inter and AC Milan, Chel$ki, and cross-town rivals Manchester City.

Flush with cash from a Middle East oil tycoon, Citeh have been buying any quality player with a pulse for nearly the past two years, and immediately emerged as odds on favorites to scoop Rooney up in the January transfer window.

The classy Manchester supporters who’ve sung his name in wave after wave of United-winning rhapsody, responded by storming his home in the night, like villagers after Dr. Frankenstein. They added protest signs…

… and life-threatening graffiti to their tasteful protests.

In the same week, supporters of Arsenal FC gave a standing ovation when former Arsenal striker Eduardo scored against them in the UEFA Champions League for Shakhtar Donetsk. They’d also sung his name all during the match. That, class, IS class.

Now, there’ve been many ghoulish supporter demonstrations (Liverpool supporters burning the American flag to protest against former owners George Gillette and Tom Hicks,

or ManUre fans burning American owner Malcolm Glazer in effigy).

But in light of United supporters’ recent actions I must tender an apology to Chelsea supporters, who I’ve taken to calling “savages.” The mantle now rests solely with supporters of Manchester United Football Club… until of course such time that Dirty Blue supporters rightfully reclaim the title.

And of course last is the Italian Strike that Never Happened. Serie A players threatened for weeks to bring the league to a halt over collective bargaining terms. Supposedly an agreement was reached on six of the eight terms being debated.

To this, The FP says phooey, and points to the fact that the Lazio-Milan derby was scheduled for the same weekend as the strike. Had the strike progressed, all that lovely television revenue for Il Duce (Senore Silvio Berlusconi) would have vanished. And we all know, Senore loves his revenue like FIFA loves the haze of foggy, murk-draped election processes.

And now, your Rooney-inspired footie anecdote:

CAFeter Catastrophe Part III, A Dry Oktoberfest, & A Hardman Head-of-State

2010-10-06T08:22:00.008-04:00

Class, your pleas for clarity, and prayers for deliverance have been answered. ‘Scuse me while I whip this out… It’s time for Footie 101!

I’ll dispense with my now tiresome excuses as to why it’s been so long since my last post. Needless to say, The FP is doing distasteful things for his money. Mind you, there are no narcotics, or sexual favors, and white slavery’s not involved, but it is leaving an increasingly foul taste in my mouth. To the new job mobile… let’s goooooo!

I suppose my last post (the epic tome on the history of the Beautiful Game) left me spent and devoid of inspiration. Even so, I have to say the first couple of months of the club season have been rather dry. Aside from a few broken legs, a double goalkeeper meltdown (my protégé LOVES this story!), and the tantalizing sleaze that is Rooney-gate, not much has been going on.

By the way… it’s October. Where’s that review of goal line technology promised by FIFA King Sepp Blatter? As predicted right here by The FP, Hades will endure a record dip in humidity before The King makes the game more accountable. All hail The King!

Speaking of October, it is a sad day when the fine lads of Bayern München are performing so poorly in this year’s Bundesliga, that their Dutch manager is not allowing them their traditional visit to Oktoberfest. The only sure fire thing I know that can cheer up a sad Bavarian in Germany (like Quebec in Canada, or Catalan in Spain) is Oktoberfest. LET THEM DRINK! (everybody) LET THEM DRINK!!

Also needing a drink by now is the FIFA committee making site visits to nation’s bidding to host the 2018 and 2022 World Cups. The latest word is that England, Russia and the USA are the leading contestants. There are increasing murmurings that a closed-door deal is being worked for the US to withdraw from contention for 2018, clearing the way for England 2018 and solidifying votes for USA 2022. That would leave the Russkies high dry and wondering why their “vodka-fueled, 13-year-old virgin sex slaves chained to a Moscow hotel radiator” lobbying campaign didn’t work.

Given that the Yanks have whipped the Limeys twice (wars of independence and 1812 in case you were asleep in your fourth grade history class) and the Cossacks once reeeeeeeally slowly (Cold War), I say we take em on again head-to-head and let the red cards fall where they may! By the way, if for some reason I'm found “floating” face down in my bath tub, body defaced with Siberian prison tattoos BEFORE the December FIFA vote, you’ll know which nation will host BOTH WCs. Ahhh, those pranksters from the former Soviet Union...

Other bidding nations have fared far worse. Japan's effort, for example, is hardly registering. Too much emphasis on technology I'm told. Fear not Nippon! No bid, no nation, no person is perfect - even the FP has faults. Among my duo of shortcomings… spite.

Some of you know that The FP spent a fruitless, if near-deadly spell Down Under. I say fruitless because I’d hoped to contribute to the growth of football in Oz. But I was spurned and left Aussieland unfulfilled.

Now, one of two things happens when I leave a place for good – something really good (Atlanta), or something really, really bad (Cleveland). And as much as I love the Buckeye state, it touched me in the morning; then just walked away. Since I left, Cleveland's economy sank into the the toilet, its housing prices collapsed, and its schools continue to… (shall we say) suck sweaty donkey balls.

Now I cast no ju-ju (good or bad) upon my departed residences, but I have to say the calamity that has befallen the Aussie World Cup bid is just deserts.

You see after starting their bid campaign quite strong, they’ve fallen off the pace. In addition to being investigated by FIFA for unsanctioned lobbying, and their regional confederation president backing the rival bid from (LOL) Qatar, the H-League (Australia’s top flight football) is teetering (what a naughty word) on the brink of collapse.

FIFA No Like!

And I have so say it couldn’t happen to a more deserving football federation. That icky substance dripping sarcastically from my fingers…. Yep, you guessed it.

On another WC note, the World Wide Leader in American Sports has released new numbers indicating that 160 million Americans watched the World Cup on the network, through its web presence (ESPN3), or through ESPN’s stream to handheld devices. That’s a 41 percent increase over the 2006 U.S. viewership of the WC. They also reported an average American viewership of 3.3 million for each WC match, and that 24.7 million Yanks watched the final. Strangely, 5.7 million in the States watched the Nigeria-South Korea and Greece-Argentina games June 22. The only sense I can make of this is that there was a momentary unholy alliance between two of The FP’s nemeses. That’s right – Dear Leader and Diegoooooooo!

I know…. I know; Kim Jong-Il is from North Korea. But this moment of whimsy allowed me to mention two of the blog’s favorites subjects. To them I say: "건배 snknknknknk." (that’s cheers in Korean followed by the sound of Diego Maradona indulging in his favored pastime - no, not smoking).

Back in Europe, there’s a tasty legal case developing that could scuttle Rupert Murdoch’s $2.56 billion near-monopoly of English Premier League broadcasting rights. In an attempt to increase traffic to her establishment, Portsmouth pub owner Karen Murphy subscribed to Sky Sports, only to find the fee rocket to more than $1,500-a-month. To keep the pub traffic, but cut the Sky expense, she illegally used a Greek cable box subscription card to gain access to the matches.

When she was caught (Big Brother Rupert IS watching!) she had to pay about $12,700 in fines to Sky. Undaunted, she sued, arguing that restricting her choice of satellite providers violates the free trade standard of the European Union. Cheers to you Lady Murphy!

Let us all bow our heads and hope that Big Brother Rupert doesn't transform back to his 1960s alter-ego

(The Mastermind... RODAK!) and send his horde of shadowy Lugo Men for the gutsy Pompey broad!

Also in Britain, it’s worth noting that England’s most successful club – Liverpool – are perched precariously in the relegation zone as they prepare to face cross town rivals Everton – also near bottom – Oct. 17. If you’re a Scouser (a native of Liverpool), it doesn’t get any worse than this. Well.... it could, if the derby ends in a draw, and all three clubs around them win. That'd leave the Liverpudlians joint bottom of the table. Woe to Scouse-land.

NEWS FLASH: Liverpool's board have agreed to sell the club to the owner of the Boston Red Sox!

But then again you could be a Gooner (a supporter of Arsenal). Those unlucky bastards had to sit through the sixth consecutive dismantling last weekend by the flamingly-Gheri curled Didier Drogba and his gang of Chel$ki savages. Here’s insight into another toothless Arsenal performance of sublime mediocrity… their starting striker, defender, and captain were all laid up injured - attending OTHER sporting events!

Even Kobe put in six minutes!

And speaking of missing in action, let’s stop briefly in the Motherland, where CAFeter – my name for the useless Confederation of African Football – has again shown a lack of leadership by ignoring the Nigerian government's meddling in Nigerian football affairs – a massive no-no to FIFA. As if he had nothing better to do, The King had to interrupt a "counseling session," get involved, and indefinitely suspend Nigeria from all international competition.

This follows on the heals of FIFA having to step in again for CAFeter last month after it was discovered that a fake Togo team took part in an official friendly with Bahrain. You'll remember that CAFeter brandished it's bizarro style of leadership in January when it banned Togo (them again) for pulling out of the African Cup of Nations after Togo's team bus was attacked by Angolan gunmen, and three members of the delegation were killed. Again, it was FIFA King Sepp Blatter who personally cleaned up this idiotic CAFeter catastrophe.

Something that needs no clean-up is my favorite (but still yet to visit) US pitch - Philadelphia Union’s "People Park," which is embroiled in a new controversy. Apparently the Sons of Ben – the Philly supporters group so fervent that they formed three years before the club took the field – have been using offensive language in its songs during matches. Philly fans! Using offensive language?!?! Unheard of!

And now, your footie anecdote:

Bolivian President Evo Morales graciously agreed to play in a friendly between his party and his political rivals as part of the christening of a newly renovated La Paz stadium. But as we’ve heard time and time again, it’s all fun and games until someone gets hurt. And when a crunching tackle was administered to one of his teammates, Morales, THE PRESIDENT OF THE FRIGGIN COUNTRY….. kneed his opponent ... in the nuts.

CLASS DISMISSED

Thanks To The Han Dynasty, The Bard and Pele's Great Expression

2010-08-21T01:13:00.031-04:00

Turn on, tune in and drop out class, Footie 101 is in session.

Many of you have probably wondered where the lecturing has gone, as the Footie Prof has spent most of the time bringing you up to speed on vital current events in the footie world. So today I lecture. But I want to open future lecture topics up to suggestions from you - the class. So if you think of a LEGITIMATE subject you’d like to see the Footie Professor slide tackle, please leave a comment, or sent a note to: thefootieprofessor@gmail.com.

Today’s lecture will be a not-so-quick history lesson on the origins of our beloved game. If you don’t have the time, you may want to come back to this post when you do. If you do have time, grab some munchies and plentiful beverages… I’m about to drop some footie knowledge!

Class, it’s first important to note that ball games date back at least 3,000 years. In pre-Columbian Meso-America, the Aztecs played a game called Ulama – though the game was played primarily with the hips and scoring was done in a wall-mounted hoop, similar to basketball.

Unfortunately the losing team captain is believed to have been sacrificed, not unlike French World Cup Captain Patrice Evra and Le Sulk himself Nicolas Anelka… The courts where these life-and-death matches were contested still spot the landscape of Mexico today.

A more direct (and FIFA recognized) origin comes from 206 BC China, where both men and women in the Han Dynasty were known to play a game called Cuju (literally “kick ball”). Then, as now, the ball was made of panels of leather sewn together. It was inflated with hair and other soft fillings rather than air. A variation of the game called Kemari was later documented in Japan. It’s still played ceremonially today.

How this ancient Chinese practice found its way to Europe is unknown, but let’s remember that trade between Asia and Europe via the “Silk Road” dates back to (you guessed it) the Han Dynasty.

Next up, the Greeks and Romans (who both traded with Asia) were strong proponents of games. The Greeks, the earlier of the two civilizations, played a game called Episkyros, while the Roman incarnation was called Harpastum, but both were ball carrying games.

While trading in Asia, both the Greeks (roughly 200-86 BC) and Romans (753 BC-476 AD) also interacted with Western Europe. At its height, the Roman Empire encompassed modern Britain and even gave it the name “Britannia.” The Latin version of the name was coined by the ancient Greek Pytheas around 320 BC – Han Dynasty anyone?

The ancient Roman era marked a high point in European civilization and culture, and Rome used its extensive knowledge – partially cobbled together from previous great civilizations such as the Egyptians – wherever its empire reached. When the empire fell, portions continued to function in Central Europe as the Holy Roman Empire and in Eastern Europe, as the Byzantine Empire, but Western Europe descended into what is commonly known as The Dark Ages – 400s-700s AD.

This period is marked by a massive technological, sociological, economic, and cultural devolution of European society. Imagine the US, Canadian and Mexican governments dissolving and North America regressing back to the knowledge and reality of 1700s – more like the 1400s. Think that Lexus would be replaced by horse? My friend, you’d be walking!

If you’re thinking the Dark Ages were knights in shining armor, you’re wrong. This is the period before medieval nobility. Europeans essentially went from having running water in their homes to not even knowing to boil water to purify it. Water was so contaminated then from people using rivers and ponds as their toilets and garbage heaps, that the only thing considered safe to drink was beer and wine.

There were few actual cities in Western Europe then. Most people – peasants – lived in small communities in the countryside. They lived off what they could grow and scavenge.

This era lasted until the Middle Ages, roughly the 800s-1300s, which encompasses the Classical, Medieval, and Modern period. Next came the rapid technological, cultural and social advancement called the Renaissance, which ran roughly from the 1300-1600s. It was during this period that the British Empire emerges and the first records in England appear citing a game that is the direct predecessor of modern football.

Through it all, some form of pre-modern football was being played throughout Europe. It’s not too much of a stretch to assume that some form of the Roman ball game continued to be practiced into the Renaissance.

After all, it’s a pretty simple concept. Two opposing groups of people kick a ball into opposing goals. Even the poorest of people can find resources to play this game. And living in rural England during the Dark and Middle Ages… you were PPPPoooooooooe! People worked for their daily sustenance from sunup to sundown. The average life expectancy was 40. And the game was as rough as life was then.

A competition known as Shrovetide Football was played in Britain as early as the 1100s. Still played today, it occurs annually on Shrove Tuesday and Ash Wednesday in the town of Ashbourne in Derbyshire, England. A popular theory of its origin suggests the ghoulish notion that the ball was originally a severed head tossed into the waiting crowd following an execution.

Shrovetide is believed to be a more ritualized occurrence of Mob Football, which emerged during the Middle Ages (some believe the game began as early as the 700s) and typically took place between neighboring villages and towns. Looking more like a riot than a game, Mob Football was characterized by an unlimited number of players and few, if any, rules.

The violent matches eventually became so popular that they distracted peasants from practicing archery - peasants were often drafted involuntarily to fight for the crown and their primary weapon was the bow and arrow. King Edward II (1308-1327) eventually had enough and tried to squash Mob Football. He passed laws that promised imprisonment for anyone playing the game.

“For as much as there is a great noise in the city caused by hustling over large balls, from which many evils may arise, which God forbid, we command and forbid on behalf of the King, on pain of imprisonment, such game to be used in the city future.”

By then, European cities had started to grow again, and the emerging industry of those cities was threatened by workers distracted by football – not to mention the destruction the game would reap in the smaller, confined spaces of a city. Edward II’s prohibition of “hustling of large balls” was also an attempt to protect local merchants. His decree was followed by similar actions by English kings Edward III, Henry IV, Henry VI, and James III of Scotland.

Laws failed to stem rural and city football, so by 1681, the crown relented and sanctioned its practice. This took place as the British Empire was continuing to expand, which ironically lent to the continued growth of footballs’ popularity. During this time it was even introduced into English public schools in order to keep young boys orderly and fit.

Though there were other popular sports in Britain, football was the game of the common man during the Industrial Revolution (1700s-1800s). Life of common people changed significantly during this time from daily rural labor for livelihood, to factory work that sometimes left workers with surplus time and money.

They usually worked every weekday, a half day Saturday and had Sunday off- but Sunday was for church. This revolutionary change in daily life introduced the first glimpses of leisure time to working class people. Football became an inexpensive practice and even spectator activity to blow off steam and be entertained. Many workers guilds were the impetus to the creation of football clubs still operating today.

And as British sailors, preachers, adventurers, and speculators took to the seas to spread empire, they often took the little round ball with them, acting as much as missionaries of the game as for God, or country. It is often said that English vicars (priests), arriving in the faraway colonies often left their ships with a bible in one hand and a football in the other.

Back home, by Britain’s Victorian Era (1837-1901), football was fully integrated into the ethos of the nation. Muscular Christianity, the notion that one’s physical masculinity brought them closer to God, helped solidify football in the mid 1800s along with the YMCA movement. Together, they took root in the United States a century later.

The mixture of football, empire and Muscular Christianity was so powerful, the effects are still being felt today. Though English sailors are known to have played the game in Brazil as early as 1874, Sao Paulo-born Englishman (and one-time Southampton player) Charles Miller is credited with introducing the game to Brazil. He left Brazil to study in England, but returned in the 1890s with two footballs and pushed workers of the London Bank and Railway Administration to organize teams.

Little more than a century later, Brazil is the most successful and celebrated footballing nation on the planet, having won five world championships. Miller is worshiped there as the “father” of their football.

It should be noted that variations of ball games were also being played in other parts of Europe through the Dark and Middle Ages and into the Renaissance (Italy for example). But England must be credited with formalizing the game that we all love today.

Even into the England of the 1800s, footie clubs had their own rules (which sometimes included use of hands and even carrying the ball), so each time a match took place, rules for that match had to be negotiated.

The first step toward standard rules in England came in 1862 when 12 London clubs met for that purpose. On Oct. 26, 1863, they formed The Football Association in London’s still-standing Freemasons' Tavern. By December, the organization still known as The FA today had agreed upon the original set of 13 comprehensive rules.

The founding clubs present at the first 1862 meeting were: Barnes, Civil Service, Blackheath, Blackheath Proprietary School, Crusaders, the original Crystal Palace, Forest of Leytonstone (later to become Wanderers), Kensington School, N.N. (No Names) Club (of Kilburn), Percival House (of Blackheath), and Surbiton. Charterhouse sent their captain, B.F. Hartshorne, but declined the offer to join.

Many of these clubs are now defunct. Others still play rugby, which split from association football at the final December 1863 meeting when the first FA treasurer, the representative from Blackheath, withdrew his club over the removal of two draft rules: one allowing running with the ball in hand, and the other obstructing tripping, holding and kicking opponents in the shins.

Other English rugby football clubs followed suit and didn’t join the FA, or left the FA and formed the Rugby Football Union in 1871. Coincidentally, the word “Soccer,” which we Yanks generally use to describe official football, is actually an English word! When the rugby lads broke away from the FA, official footballing people came up with soccer to distinguish official football from football rugby.

Literally soccer is a play on the word “Association or its abbreviation “Assoc” of Association Football. Drop the “A” from Assoc and add an “er” at the end, and you have the word “Soccer.” Take that you Imperialist Yorkshire Pudding Eating wankers.. I take that back. I like Yorkshire Pudding.

And at the risk of alienating my “Amuruken” readership, you should know that rugby is of course the father of American football – making the original football the grandfather of American football.

Ever wonder why a touchdown is called a touchdown, even though American football players don’t have to touch the ball down to score? Look no further than rugby, where the practice of touching the ball down after crossing the opponent’s goal line – or a “try” – is still practiced today.

Fellow Americans… don’t get me started on baseball’s cricket origins!

And for the record, original football has a long history in North America. When the Pilgrims arrived in North America in the 1600s, they noticed the native people playing a game called Pasuckaukohowog, which literally means “they gather to play ball with the foot.” By 1862, Oneida Club, the United States’ first official football club, was formed in Boston. A monument reportedly now stands on the Boston Common, where the Oneidas played home matches.

I’ve not seen it, but I understand there is a photograph in The National Soccer Hall of Fame and Museum (in Oneonta, N.Y.) of Civil War soldiers playing football (the original football) after a battle.

Back to the laws of the game, they’re determined by the International Football Association Board (IFAB), formed in 1886. Readers of this blog may recognize this as the organization that current FIFA King Sepp Blatter has said will consider integrating goal-line technology to help improve match officiating. I’ll believe it when I see it.

FIFA, the international football governing body, was formed in Paris in 1904 and had representatives admitted to the IFAB in 1913. The IFAB is now made up of four representatives from FIFA and one representative from each of the four British associations. Why? Despite dismantling their own empire, the English still feel they run everything. After all, at its peak, Britain was the most expansive empire in human history. It was so big, the sun never set on it!

But in 1872, Scotland cast an intuitive shadow on English football. That’s when the first official international football match took place in between Scotland and England in Glasgow. This match, which ended in a 0-0 draw, is credited with featuring the greatest evolution in the game's history.

At the time English football looked essentially like five-year-olds were playing. When one player had the ball, they’d advance up field until most of the opposition was upon them. They’d then hoof the ball far up field in hopes that a teammate would be able to take possession. This long ball tactic is sadly still the common style of English football.

But at that crucial 1872 match, the Scots….. (drum roll please)… PASSED THE BALL TO EACH OTHER!

The Scottish run and pass tactic shredded the English and was then heralded as the “combination game.”

It would later be expanded upon by the dominant Hungarian team of the 1950s known as the “Mighty Magyars” featuring Ferenc Puskas, the Brazilians of the late 50s and early 60s featuring Pele and Garrincha, the Dutch in the 70s with Johan Cruyff and “Total Football,” and now the current world and European champion Spain – which learned to play beautifully from Cruyff.

It’s important to note that although Pele is generally considered the greatest player of all time (I promise to revisit this debate at a later date), most Brazilians say Garrincha is the greatest Brazilian player of all time. Hmmm. Still, Pele first described football as Jogo Bonito, or “The Beautiful Game.” Who can’t appreciate that?!?

And even with all its flaws (and there are flaws aplenty), because it’s so beautiful, football remains wildly popular today. All you need is a ball (or a reasonable facsimile).

It’s better played with others, but you can play it by yourself. You don’t need money, equipment, or lots of space – just you and the ball. Same as it ever was.

And now for your special historic lecture footie anecdote:

The game was so popular in England that William Shakespeare was sprung. The Bard featured it in his play “The Comedy of Errors,” written sometime in the 1590s.

“Am I so round with you as you with me,
That like a football you do spurn me thus?
You spurn me hence, and he will spurn me hither:
If I last in this service, you must case me in leather.”

CLASS DISMISSED

Cocaine Chic at the Hotel Moscow

2010-08-16T13:51:00.003-04:00

Well, well... well class, jump in the hot tub with the Godfather of Soul cause it's time for Footie 101!

The European club season kicked off Saturday with the English Premier League. Champions Chump$ki showed how they won the league last season by thrashing newly promoted lightweights West Bromwich Albion 6-0. West Brom is just good enough to have played in the Premiership three seasons since 2000, but just bad enough to never stay longer than two seasons. Walk out on the street and you’ll hear Chump$ki supporters crowing like they’ve already won the league – by beating up on West Brom.

On the other end of the scale was the invigorating performance by newly promoted minnows Blackpool, which spanked Wigan 4-0 - at Wigan. Now, Wigan is far from a powerhouse, but Blackpool is so tiny that its players had to wash their own uniforms last season. So here’s an extra big Big Up to everyone’s favorite new small-fry. Barring getting any points from our respective clubs, let’s all join in and hope this tiniest of tiny clubs can stay up this season.

Elsewhere, Aston Villa manager Martin O’Neill resigned days before the season kicked off – apparently angered that club owner Randy Lerner (who also owns the NFL’s Cleveland Browns) wouldn’t spend money on acquiring more players. O’Neill is considered one of the young bright lights in British football management, but apparently didn’t get the right kind of fire truck for Christmas as a child, and is now highly susceptible to throwing temper tantrums when he doesn’t get his way.

Immediately, rumors began circulating that US national team manager Bob Bradley was a favorite for the gig. US Soccer squashed that rumor straight away. Funny how fast a governing body can go from contemplating firing a manager, to desperately clinging to him.

Ever think seriously about breaking up with your significant other, and then plan an elaborate candle-lit dinner when you hear another suitor is sniffing around…? Yeah, just like that.

Now Villa, which is loaded with great young English talent, took all the discord in stride and housed West Ham 3-0 Saturday. You’d think that would calm things down a bit, but when things seem like they’re turning a corner to stability, there is one man in world football that can take that calm and turn it into chaos. (Drumroll please...) Yes, class, it’s “Return of the Maradona!”

Our old friend, down-hill train wreck, and raving egomaniac Diego Maradona has instructed his European spokesman (who has one of those?!?) to openly offer his services. Said the spokesman:

"If the owner Randy Lerner wants to make him a serious offer, I am sure he would get a very positive response.”

Lerner, who is widely considered the prototypical American owner of an English football club because he balances the books and gets results on the pitch, is no fool.

Said Lerner: “My milkshake brings all the fools to the club, fools to the club, fools to the club.” Those cackles you hear echoing from the air are Lerner’s guffaws showering down from his G4 jet as it crosses the Atlantic.

On the international footie front, the FIFA committee visiting countries bidding to host the 2018 and 2022 world cups arrived in Russia this morning. Awaiting them as they exited their plane were cases of vodka, fresh Beluga caviar, and keys to five star hotel suites containing coked-out 13-year-old virgin sex slaves chained to a radiator.

You may expect me to somehow tie this suggestion to my well-documented disdain for Chump$ki owner and perennial baby seal soul-sucker Roman Abramovich, BUT YOU'D BE WRONG! Russian Prime Minister Vladamir Putin, whose lobbying is widely credited with luring the 2014 Winter Olympics to Sochi on the Black Sea, is the boogie man of this dream sequence.

Moments after Harry Been, CEO of the Holland-Belgium World Cup bid, described the Russian bid as “dangerous,” he was suddenly consumed by a sinister cloud of red smoke. A voice was heard emanating from the post-Soviet confilagration saying: “Iz dis dangerous enuff fir you, you vooden-shuwd monk, Da?!?” The pungent smell of vodka and caviar still lingers.

The remaining site visit schedule is:

Aug. 23-26: Britain
Aug. 30-Sept. 2: Spain and Portugal
Sept. 6-9: the United States
Sept. 13-17: Qatar

Speaking of the US bid, there remains a vibrant effort to reach 1 million registered supporters on the bid website. At last count this morning there were 962,227 registered supporters of the US bid – led again by Houston, where nearly 72,000 supporters have chimmed in. Houston will be the last stop when the FIFA committee visits the states. They'll quickly learn that you don't mess with Texas!

Meanwhile, bidding insiders are pointing at the England bid and laughing hysterically. British Prime Minister David Cameron has called FIFA King Sepp Blatter to say he will not be present to greet the site committee when it arrives next week. Cameron’s trivial excuse: His wife is near birth. King Blatter was heard to murmer: “Meh,” but insiders consider Cameron’s absence a serious snub and damaging to the already tumultuous bid from the nation that created the modern game.

The King has also gone on record to taunt the world over the goal-line technology he won't provide. Speaking last week at the Youth Olympics in Singapore, King Blatter said:

“My personal opinion on goal technology has never changed. If we have an accurate and simple system then we will implement, but so far we have not had a simple nor an accurate system."

He immediately added with a cheeky grin: “I got simple, right here!”

Sweden, however, is willing to risk the ire of his majesty by requesting that FIFA allow their referees to use live TV as an officiating aide in the Swedish football league this season. Said Swedish Football Association Chairman Lars-Ake Lagrell:

“We think that it (goal-line technology) is a worse alternative than simply giving the fourth official the possibility to look at the TV pictures. With that (use of the live television pictures), you have a team of officials who referee the game exactly as it is today, but this way they get something to help them.”

In keeping with controversial statements in this blog being immediately punished, Lars was promptly swooped from his Volvo convertible by a ravenous pterodactyl, never to be seen again.

His three widows – as allowed by Swedish law (in my dreams) – emulated lionesses who’ve had their cubs slaughtered by marauding males, and immediately went into estrus.

Again, King Blatter muttered “Meh,” but then shocked the world by suggesting that he may abolish first round draws in time for the 2014 World Cup to encourage attacking play. The Footie Prof says: Play on player!

Not in need of fostering attacking play is Der Deutscher Fußball-Bund (German Football Association), which oversees Europe’s highest attended top flight league – the Bundesliga. Flush with cash from new television and marketing deals, and buoyed by balanced books, the Bundesliga can afford to keep its top stars and even recruit others without breaking the bank.

Though the transfer window is still open till the end of the month, nearly all top German stars from the World Cup - Arjen Robben, Edin Dzeko and Mesut Ozil - have rejected opportunities to transfer to other leagues. (UPDATE: Ozil has signed for Real Madrid) And others such as German Michael Ballack and Spaniard Raul have returned or transferred in.

Reflective of that wealth, 2009-10 UEFA Champions League runner-up Bayern München expects a 2009-10 turnover of about $450 million from its stadium alone. Double Prost!

Lastly, another big Big Up to the MLS, the New York Red Bulls and new signing Thierry Henry. This combo has spiked attendances and raised the performance at matches so much that whenever the Red Bulls play, new attendance records are set.

Saturday, a capacity 25,000 people packed into the new Red Bulls Arena to watch the Los Angeles Galaxy win 1-0. Among the luminaries at the star-studded bi-coastal fete were NBA Frenchman Tony Parker and his wife, some random chic nobody's ever heard of. Even injured Galaxy star David Beckham was in the house.

The previous week the Red Bulls visit to the Chicago Fire promoted a record 21,868 attendance at Toyota Park for that 0-0 draw. The lesson for today class: If you field quality, they will come.

A quick shout out to fellow blogger “We Like Tea.” If you dig your Earl Grays, Jasmines, herbals, or Darjeelings, this is the blog for you.

And now, your footie anecdote:

“I'm like any Brazilian: I like women and I like to go out and enjoy myself, which is why people can identify with me. The night has always been my friend. When I go out I feel good, then I always score goals.”

--- Former Brazilian Striking Impresario Romario on his fondness for nightlife

CLASS DISMISSED

Dolce, Diego and Thuggish FC

2010-08-03T12:27:00.003-04:00

Hide your wives, daughters and $200,000 sports cars class, The Footie Professor is back. And that can only mean it’s time again for … Footie 101.

First, a heart-felt apology for being away for so long, but The FP had to work on working. Besides, there hasn’t been any earth-shattering footie news, so you haven’t really missed much. During this down time between the World Cup and club season (also known as the Silly Season) the “news” has mostly been wild transfer rumors made up by “journalists” fictionalizing to keep their jobs. Better to know nothing than to fill your head full of crap, I say.

That said, the class’ old friend, defrocked Argentine Coach Diego Maradona, couldn’t just leave the stage gracefully after getting axed. Like countless underperforming coaches before him, (I’m talking to you Jar-Jar Domenech!) Diego showed his lack of class when he was shown the door.

You see Diego could have kept his job, but he wanted to keep his phat coaching staff and their phatter salaries. Argentinean Football “Jefes” Julio Grondona and Carlos Bilardo told him to cut back. Indignant as always, Diego refused and his contract was not renewed.

In typically grandstanding manor, Diego accused the duo of deception.

“Grondona lied to me. Bilardo betrayed me,” Diego said. “When we were in mourning, Bilardo was working in the shadows to get me fired.”

After stirring up dissent among the Argentine public – among whom Diego is worshiped (no exaggeration) as a god – Diego was able to get Bilardo to back down a bit. Bilardo was quoted yesterday saying that Diego can have his job back if he talks to Grondona… and cut his staff. Soooooo the Argentina footie freak show continues.

Here's another post-WC story that the The Footie Prof predicted! Check out the punitive measures heaped upon the North Korean team and its coach for not winning the World Cup - despite being ranked 103 in the world, and only making its second ever WC appearance (1966). The team, which finished the cup without a point, were reportedly berated for six hours on a stage in front of 400 officials. Then the players were forced to publicly criticize the manager before he was summarily shipped off to an:

A) Work camp B) Chain gang C) Construction crew D) All of the above

Beyond the tyrannical musings of Dear Leader Kim Jong-il and his progeny, I blame Portugal for the N. Korean players and coach's harsh punishment. You see the N. Korean team had a very respectful opening 2-1 performance against cup favorite Brazil. That raised hopes back home so much that Dear Leader sanctioned the extremely rare live broadcast of the next match against Portugal.

If you go back and watch the Brazil-N. Korea match, you’ll see how deferential the Brazilian players were to the N. Koreans. Having emerged from a lengthy dictatorship just 30 years ago themselves, Brazilians know that sport performances can mean life or death in a dictatorial nation. Even Pele – the greatest player of all time – was subjected to this. When top European clubs came calling for him in 1961, Brazilian Dictator Janio Quadros declared Pele a “national treasure,” and outlawed his exportation.

But Portugal, the Brazilian’s former colonizers, didn’t show the same character as their former subjects, and in true imperialist fashion hammered N. Korea 7-0 in that live broadcast. For me, the Portuguese (preening Muppets that they are) have blood on their hands.

Portuguese winger Anderson (who didn’t actually play at the WC because of injury), felt so much guilt that he crashed his $200,000 Audi R8 sports car early Saturday morning. Anderson could have literally been toasting em up as the N. Koreans were being dressed down and shipped off to labor camps. Ahhh, the symmetry of the Beautiful Game.

In other post-WC news, sponsors of the French national team have reached an out of court settlement to receive about $1.5 million in compensation. They'll be paid by the French Football Federation for the embarrassment of their brands being associated with the team’s shameful display at the World Cup. Adidas has already recouped about $2.2 million from the French. Why are there so many tree-lined boulevards in Paris, you ask? Ze Germans like to get paid in the shade!

In a more promising sign for the future of French football, I offer quick but hearty felicitations to the French U-19 team, which beat Spain 2-1 in the UEFA U-19 Championship Friday. And an equally stout “glückwünsche” to Germany, which claimed the FIFA U-20 Women’s World Cup Sunday.

Meanwhile, the FIFA site visits to nations bidding to host the 2018 and 2022 WC’s has begun. The FIFA committee has already run the rule over Nippon (that’s Japan to those that don’t know!) and Australia. The Aussies are a bit lucky because they were being investigated for plying FIFA wives with jewelry, but were cleared before their site inspection. Still, there is no joy in Oz-ville, as the president of their continental federation has publicly dissed them to support the Qatar bid. Said Asian Football Confederation President Mohammad Bin Hammam: “That’s not a bid…. That’s a bid.”

The remaining site inspections schedule is:

Aug. 9-12: Netherlands and Belgium
Aug. 16-19: Russia
Aug. 23-26: Britain
Aug. 30-Sept. 2: Spain and Portugal
Sept. 6-9: the United States
Sept. 13-17: Qatar

Here's another quick list for you containing the three remaining MLS friendlies with European super clubs – all broadcast live on Fox Soccer Channel (the best footie broadcaster in N. America).

Aug 5 - 9PM FC Dallas vs Inter Milan
Aug 6 - 8PM AC Milan vs Panathinaikos Athens
Aug 7 - 10:30PM Los Angeles Galaxy vs Real Madrid

Meanwhile, ESPN (the worldwide leader in American sports) is negotiating with Fox for a sublicense to broadcast some of the Barclays English Premier League matches through 2013. ESPN reached a similar agreement with Fox last season and tended to air the early Saturday and Sunday morning matches on ESPN2. Reportedly, it wants to add some mid-week matches to the deal. If Fox does sublicense again to ESPN, I hope they gouge them for every penny.... and make them air a weekly promo showing Alexis Lalas spit-shinning Shaka Hislop's Stacey Adams.

And speaking of better players, a quick welcome to Mexican defender Rafael Marquez, who has left Barcelona FC to join former Barca teammate Thierry Henry at MLS’ New York Red Bulls! Bienvenido Rafael! I smell an MLS cup coming to the Big Apple...

Even though Marquez and Henry have left Europe, there’s still footie news there! The International Football Association Board (IFAB) is actually moving ahead of FIFA to improve the officiating of matches (anticipatory gasp). The IFAB, which determines the laws of the game, IS… adding two more referees to UEFA Champions League matches (deflated sigh of disappointment). And in the distant vista of the setting sun is FIFA King Sepp Blatter’s promise to introduce goal-line technology…

More promising is the news that UEFA will require all European clubs to have a Supporter Liaison Officer (SLO) starting with the 2012-2013 season. The move is intended to reflect the importance UEFA has placed on fan relations. The Footie Prof applauds UEFA for this and hopes to see UEFA SLO’s going global. Imagine there being a Werder Bremen SLO in the United States, or a Bordeaux SLO in Canada. Suddenly Carabana just got Mo Better!

And there’s this multicultural tidbit that ze Germans have come to an understanding with Muslim groups that will allow professional Muslim footie players to break their fast during the holy Islamic month of Ramadan. You see, Turks are the largest ethnic minority in Deutschland and 99% of Turks are Muslim.

Among the players that took Germany to its’ second straight third place WC finish are German Turk Muslim midfielder Mesut Özil and defender Serdar Tasci. PROST to ze Germans for doing a better job of integrating their immigrants than France (whoa Nelly!) and even the good ole US of A.

And finally, Forbes has identified Manchester United as the wealthiest sport team in the world. Does wealth cometh before a fall? Ask the MLS All-Stars. At least the attendance (70,728) at the All-Star game was good. It reportedly is the fourth largest turnout for an all-star game in any American pro sport. Kudos to the MLS!

With that, it’s time for you footie anecdote…

Italian fashion house Dolce & Gabbana have agreed to design the official club suits to be worn by players and the manager of Chel$ki FC. Regular readers of The Footie Prof know I’ve often been hard on Chel$ki, its baby seal soul-sucking owner, and its’ thuggish players and fans. So you may be shocked and amazed that I bless this union. Thuggish footballers should be attired in thuggish haute couture. If you’re doubting D&G’s gangster credentials, even the Italian government has been after them for tax evasion! I wonder who’ll pay up first… D&G, or Diego? And now the circle is complete.

CLASS DISMISSED

Peiking Nipple - Hidden Virtue

2010-07-21T10:58:00.000-04:00

Class, your prof is no prude, so when sex rears its insidious head in our sport, it’s time for Footie 101.

In football as in life, no matter how bad things are, they can always get worse. In keeping with that bit of knowledge, that crowing sound you hear is that of Le Cockerel of Le French Football Federation – not in relief for moving forward from its dismal World Cup performance, but rather in despair for wallowing deeper in the FFF’s Summer of Shame.

French forward Karim Benzema and winger Frank Ribery (who should have to pay for sex) are being investigated by French authorities for having sex with an under-aged prostitute. Under typically clear French law, prostitution is legal, but it is illegal to knowingly have sex with a prostitute aged 17 or below – even though the age of consent is 15. A conviction carries a three year prison term and a $58,000 fine.

Enter Zahia Dehar, current French “It Girl” and former under-aged prostitute. Ms. Dehar, now 18, exploded onto the Franco pop culture landscape in early 2010 after giving an interview in which she bragged about having sex with the pair and un-indicted French player Sidney Govou. (Puff. Puff. Pass!) Ms. Dehar, a French-Algerian and not natural blonde, is also apparently trying to start a bikini-top fashion trend called “Peiking Nipple-Hidden Virtue.”

Said Ms. Dehar: “I loved them all – they spoiled me. I wasn’t truthful about my age. They should be left alone.” When initial reports of the series of trysts first broke, Ms. Dehar (intellectual that she is) wrote to French manager Raymond “JarJar” Domenech pleading that he not exclude her former clients from the World Cup team. The translated text of the letter can be read below.

Look to see Ms. Dehar enter US pop culture in 3… 2…

I hear Ochcocinco is still looking for a woman!

On a related note, FIFA is taking steps to keep nations from whoring themselves to (you guessed it) FIFA. Any effort to lobby FIFA members must now be preceded by a written request and subsequent approval to lobby them. This comes as the selection committee for World Cup 2018 and 2022 begins visiting all bidding nations (Australia, England, Russia, Spain-Portugal, Holland-Belgium, USA, Japan, Korea, and Qatar), and months after the Aussies plied FIFA executives’ wives with jewelry.

Nations have a long history of offering their wine, women and song to FIFA officials to win the right to host a World Cup. When Japan and S. Korea were competing against each other to host the 2002 World Cup, even foreign trade agreements were used to secure votes. Détente indeed Mr. Bond. The selection for the 2018 and 2022 World Cups takes place Dec. 11. Roll the dice... Sunil Gulati's baby needs a new pair of shoes!

No longer withholding his largess is baby seal soul sucker Roman Abramovich. The Chelsea FC owner and shadow sugar daddy of Russian football has agreed to pay Russian coach Gus Hiddink the $3 million he owed him. Abramovich had been supplemented Hiddink’s salary since 2006, but withheld the “incentive” after the Russian team failed to qualify for World Cup 2010. The change of “heart” took place after Hiddink threatened to sue the Russian Football Federation, which would likely derail their bid for a World Cup.

Remember class, the world revolves around FIFA – no matter how many rubles you stole or how many baby seal souls you consume.

In other omnipotent football news, AC Milan owner and Italian Emperor Silvio Berlusconi has told new manager Massimilliano Allegri that he must field two strikers in the coming campaign. Said a groveling Allegri: “Si senore… bless you senore!”

There’s also proof that pretty boy muppet Christiano Ronaldo has a sense of humor. When confronted by a journalist in New York about what Ronaldo’s girlfriend thinks of him fathering a child with an anonymous American, Ronaldo kept his cool.

In other American footie news, some 19.4 million people watched the USA's loss to Ghana in the World Cup, while 24.3 million people watched the final between Spain and the Netherlands – making it the most viewed men’s footie match ever in the US. Comparatively 22.3 million watched the decisive games in last year's baseball World Series, and 8.3 million watched this year’s Stanley Cup.

As part of its pre-season USA friendly tour, Manchester United players visited the Philadelphia Museum of Art – made famous by Sylvester Stallone in “Rocky.” United Keeper Edwin van der Sar is seen here inviting teammate Nani to a nearby seedy hotel for a “non-scheduled training session.”

Lastly, Atlanta has suddenly become the “It City” of US footie. An un-named English Premier League club is looking to start an MLS team there. Meanwhile city fathers have formed a secret society to use footie to raise Atlanta’s international profile. Really, they want to use Atlanta to join the international footie cabal, but speaking further on that will result in the loss of the professor’s thumbs. Hotlanta’s about to become a whole lot hotter!

And now, your footie anecdote – with thanks to Chilean football:

Class Dismissed

A Moment of Reflection... or Convulsions (depending on your perspective)

2010-07-19T12:02:00.000-04:00

The Footie Prof is a bit reflective this morning, so strap in and let’s dish.

One of the great elements of fandom is having a nemesis – the force that works constantly to derail the positive achievements of the team and/or player you support. Through my life, my sporting history has been defined as much by nemeses as the teams I loved. As a boy I left the American football team I loved, but have held tightly to the unadulterated disdain I have for the team that always beat them - Shitsburgh I say!

Other teams I learned to dislike. The New York Yankees, and teams of their ilk make up the list. They are mega teams that win a lot by buying up players just to keep them off the rosters of their competitors. They employ bully tactics and are anti-competitive. Sport loses much of its luster when the outcomes are solely determined by who has the biggest bank roll.

It's not Big Bank Hank (from the Sugar Hill Gang). It's the Big Bank FC. That list is composed of: the Yankees, Manchester United, Real Madrid, Barcelona, AC Milan, Chelsea, and newly minted Manchester City - the nuevo riche of the crew, that’s snatched up any player with a pulse since it was purchased by Abu Dhabi Sheikh Mansour bin Zayed Al Nahyansugar a couple years ago. A (dis)honorable mention go to Indian steel tycoon Lakshmi Mittal and F1 racing imprisario Bernie Ecclestone - co-owners of Queens Park Rangers. They have a combined wealth of $23 billion - the same net worth of the Man City sheikh. Look for QPR to rise up and flex its monetary muscle in the coming years.

More frightening is the cross-sport conglomeration trend that is building momentum – particularly stateside. Several US pro sport owners have looked to Europe – and the UK specifically – to turn their sport interest into a global conern. ManU owners - Malcolm Glazer and sons – also own the NFL’s Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Liverpool owners Tom Hicks and George Gillette also have/had interests in the NHL, NASCAR, and MLB. All of them are largely despised by supporters of their footie clubs for their heavily leveraged purchase of the clubs.

Then there’s Randy Lerner - who owns the NFL Cleveland Browns and England’s Aston Villa - and Stan Kroenke – who owns teams in the NBA, MLB and MLS, and is the largest shareholder of Arsenal FC. While the fan vote on Kroenke remains out, Lerner is largely loved by Villa supporters. He puts money in, has hired good staff, and stays out of the way.

Now it seems the absolute opposite sport ownership philosophy (the evil empire of the NY Yankees) is looking to cast its line into the international trough. Days after legendary Yankees owner George Steinbrenner passed away, sons Hank and Hal Steinbrenner are exploring buying England’s Tottenham Hotspur for nearly $700 million (double convulsions).

Now the Footie Prof is a free market kind of guy, and I’d much rather see high profile clubs run by American sport pimps than say Uzbekistan Jabbas, but the Steinbrenners should be placed in sport ownership isolation, lest their style of greedy imposition start a new American outbreak in international football.

At the very least, they should be sent away for a period of reflection, like the Dutch priest who decked his church out in oranje for a pre-World Cup service, and conducted the service as a goalkeeper while a parishioner dribbled a ball down the aisle.

And speaking of period of reflection, that’s where FIFA’s goal-line technology discussion has been banished. You may recall that the Footie Prof suggested that FIFA King Sepp Blatter’s admission that the introduction of technology would be discussed this month was merely a ploy to distract and pacify. Well, FIFA now says any discussion will have to wait until October… 2791!

But by September Poznań, the first stadium for EURO 2012, should be finished! Even Sting says so!

In other news, UEFA’s annual U-19 tournament has kicked off – but is not being televised! You’ll recall that this is the tournament where some of the world’s greatest talents are first noticed. How’d Spain win Euro 2008 and World Cup 2010? The same players won the UEFA U-19 in 2002, 2004, 2006, and 2007. FYI, ze Germans (playing the tournament in the Czech Republic) won in 2008 and the Ukraine (playing in the Ukraine) won in 2009. Spain won its four away from home.

Also being played now is the FIFA Women’s U-20 World Cup in Germany. Many matches are showing up on ESPN2 and ESPNU!

AND, if you’re lucky enough to NOT have Time Warner and do have DirecTV, you’ll be able to get you UEFA Champions League on, as the preliminary rounds of play between clubs like Litex and Sheriff start being televised this week – only on DirecTV’s exclusive UEFA channels! Just tomorrow you’ve got:

10:30am Renova vs Omonia
12:00pm Dinamo Tirana vs Sheriff
12:00pm HB vs Salzburg
2:00pm TNS vs Bohemians
2:15pm Koper vs Dinamo Zagreb
2:30pm Rudar vs Litex

That’ll do for now class. And now, your footie anecdote:

“I spent 90% of my money on women and drink. The rest I wasted.”
- Northern Ireland 1960s-70s football icon George Best

CLASS DISMISSED

Post-Partum Depression

2010-07-16T12:29:00.000-04:00

Despite there being no World Cup for 1,421 days, there will be footie 101, so take your seats and let’s get to it.

With the cup fully finished and a solid month before the European club football seasons start in earnest, the footie landscape is a bit like walking into a room you used to live in that has now been emptied of its contents. That hollow feeling with a slight echo… yeah, you know the feeling. Nonetheless, there is football news to share.

Ageing Barcelona striker Thierry Henry has officially joined the New York Redbulls and retired from playing for the French national team. Henry, whose legend was established playing for Arsenal FC, has signed a multi-year deal and said he joined NY bring trophies to the empty trophy cabinet.

Said Henry: “Where am I again? Of corrzzz…. Oui! Uhhh, and le check… where is le check?”

All kidding aside, all the best to Thierry and welcome to the US of A! He’ll take on the old rival Tottenham Hotspur (convulsions) Thursday in a friendly televised on Fox Soccer Channel (FSC). Looking forward, he recognizes that he’ll likely receive a raucous greeting from Irish American footie fans for his hand ball that cheated Ireland out of World Cup 2010.

Beyond Henry having the Gaul to finish his career in the MLS, this is a great time to be a footie fan stateside. There’s a veritable cornucopia of top flight European club friendlies on tap for the coming weeks. Big clubs from Spain, England, Italy, Portugal, Scotland and Greece will grace these shores as part of their pre-season preparations, and many of these matches will be televised! See the list below…

July 16
Manchester United v Celtic, Rogers Centre, Toronto, ESPN2 7PM
July 17
Tottenham Hotspur v SJ Earthquakes, Buck Shaw Stadium, Santa Clara, CA, ESPN 4PM
Manchester City v Portland Timbers, Merlo Field (Univ. of Portland)
Bolton Wanderers v Charleston Battery, Blackbaud Stadium, Charleston, SC
Portsmouth v Ventura County Fusion, Oxnard College Stadium, Oxnard, CA
July 18
Celtic v Seattle Sounders, Qwest Field, Seattle, ESPN 3PM
July 21
Manchester United v Philadelphia Union, Lincoln Financial Field, Philadelphia
Celtic v Sporting Lisbon, Fenway Park, Boston, FSC 8PM
Bolton Wanderers v Toronto FC, BMO Field, Toronto
Portsmouth v FC Edmonton, Commonwealth Stadium, Edmonton, AB
July 22
Tottenham Hotspur v NY Red Bulls, Red Bull Arena, Harrison, NJ, FSC 8:30PM
July 23
Manchester City v Sporting Lisbon, Red Bull Arena, Harrison, NJ, FSC 8:30PM
July 24
Portsmouth v DC United, RFK Stadium, Washington, DC
July 25
Tottenham Hotspur v Sporting Lisbon, Red Bull Arena, Harrison, NJ, FSC 1PM
Manchester City v NY Red Bulls, Red Bull Arena, Harrison, NJ, FSC 3PM
Manchester United v KC Wizards, Arrowhead Stadium, Kansas City, FSC 6PM
July 28
Manchester City v Club America, Georgia Dome, Atlanta
Manchester United v MLS All-Stars, Reliant Stadium, Houston, ESPN2 8:30PM
July 31
Manchester City v Inter Milan, M&T Bank Stadium, Baltimore
Aug. 3
Inter Milan v Panathinaikos, Rogers Centre, Toronto
Aug. 4
Real Madrid v Club America, Candlestick Park, San Francisco
Aug. 5
Inter Milan v FC Dallas, Pizza Hut Park, Dallas
Aug. 6
AC Milan v Panathinaikos, Pontiac Silverdome (MI),
Aug. 7
Real Madrid v LA Galaxy, Rose Bowl, Los Angeles, FSC 10:30PM

Even if they’re not on television, there are plenty of matches all over the US and parts of Canada, so get your butt to some matches!

On a post-World Cup note, Interpol (the global manufacturer of erotic dancers’ primary professional tool) has arrested more than 5,000 people in Asia and confiscated nearly $10 million in a sting operation cracking down on illegal betting on the cup.

Police in China, Malaysia, Singapore and Thailand raided nearly 800 “illegal gambling dens” where they estimate about $155 million in bets were made. The effort, dubbed Soga III, followed similar crackdowns in 2007 and 2008 called Soga I and Soga II respectively.

Memo to the 14K Triad, Ah Kong, the Bamboo Union, the Snakehead Gang, Sun Yee On, and Wo Shing Wo: When you receive an invite to a party called Soga IV, politely decline.

Another post-cup item of note is the ridiculous amount of money the BBC has spent for some of its top executives to hang out in South Africa.

BBC deputy director general Mark Byford expensed $7,500 flying to South Africa for the World Cup final. That’s a whole lot of salted nuts, overweight luggage, stretch limos with Jacuzzi tubs… hookers and blow. But, but, but wait, it gets worse!

Apparently no BBC executive can drive or has the foresight to hire a regular driver. BBC's chief operating officer Caroline Thomson claimed $5,200 on taxis during a three-month period. BBC controller of vision Jana Bennett claimed $4,200 on taxis during the claim period. And BBC's director of future media and technology Erik Huggers made taxi claims for $4,500. That’s $13,700 for three people to take taxis for three months. And the English wonder why their football team was totally disorganized…

And then there’s this cross-sport footie story. Wimbledon champion Rafael Nadal has agreed to invest in hometown club Real Mallorca, which is about $110 million in debt. Advantage, football.

That’s about it for today class, so here now is a special post-World Cup footie anecdote.

CLASS DISMISSED

Dutch of Classlessness

2010-07-13T08:24:00.000-04:00

When one door closes, another opens class. So sit on down and let’s get into Footie 101.

First, let me offer my heartfelt congratulations to Spain and Spaniards everywhere for winning your first World Cup championship. You played excellent football throughout and are deserving champions. Though I (and my crew) were all supporting the Netherlands, we joined two Spanish supporters afterwards to celebrate their victory in the true spirit of the game. Be gracious in victory and gracious in defeat.

Viva España!

Also at the top of the heap are Uruguayan striker Diego Forlan and German midfielder Thomas Mueller who won the golden ball and golden boot respectively. The golden ball is awarded to the tournament’s best player, while the golden boot is given to the top goal scorer. Mueller’s five goals tied with Spain’s David Villa and Dutch midfielder Wesley Sneijder goal haul, but Mueller had more assists. Mueller was also selected best young player, while Spanish keeper Iker Casillas won the golden glove award for best goalkeeper.

Now for a quick word about the match itself. There was a bit of Spanish histrionics through the match, but the longer the match went on, the less theatrical they seemed – thanks to the thuggery on display by the Netherlands. There are few living people in football whose words are beyond reproach: mine – of course – but arguably at the top of that list is Johan Cruyff, the former Dutch Master who is widely credited with introducing “Total Football” to Spain. Cruyff pulled no punches when asked about the defensive and aggressive methods deployed by the Netherlands in the final:

“Sadly, they played very dirty ... ugly, vulgar, hard, hermetic, hardly eye-catching, hardly football.”

Three Dutch players could have easily received straight red cards in the first half – particularly midfielder Nigel De Jong who offered this cleat-to-the-chest tackle on Xavi Alonso.

All who have followed this blog know that I don’t hesitate to call out poor sportsmanship or incompetence in the game. You’ll also recall that I supported the Netherlands in the final. So I’m even more adamant that the anti-football on display Sunday was heartbreaking. For the nation that has consistently and proudly carried the banner of beautiful football in Europe largely since Hungary’s preeminence in the 1950s to turn to ruffian tactics turns my stomach. I can’t say the cynical tactics got what they deserved – only one Dutch player was red carded – but unlike so many other cup finals (particularly those involving Italy or any Italian club) the better team won and anti-football lost. Let’s hope this begins a new era of the beautiful game being beautiful again.

There is another sad note that must be addressed – the horrendous and cowardly bombing of a World Cup final party in Ghana that killed 76. Among the dead is American Nate Henn. Condolences to the family and friends of all those taken in the bombing. The gutless attack is a reminder to all of us in the United States that sport is more than entertainment and should be seen seriously in the serious socio-economic and political context it resides in. The Footie Professor sincerely hopes all perpetrators of this bombing are rounded up, brought to justice.... then skinned alive… with dull rusty knives… and dropped in a tank with 76 ravenous piranha.

Lastly, I must include FIFA in the shame bin today, as top executives are said to have put “extreme pressure” on South African political legend Nelson Mandela to attend the final. Certainly FIFA wanted the 92-year-old human rights icon at the final, but executives should have respected that Mandela and his family were mourning the loss of a family member and left the man alone. Of course the crowd and television audience appreciated his presence, but I’ll bet they all felt manipulated once hearing that Mandela was pushed to attend. Bad FIFA!

On a positive FIFA note, the South African World Cup is estimated to have earned $2 billion in television revenues and the final is expected to have been viewed by more than 700 million people. It’s also believed to be the first sporting event to have sealed broadcast agreements in nearly every territory in the world. Said FIFA King Sepp Baltter:

And in keeping with the FIFA train rolling non-stop, the official logo for Brasil 2014 has been unveiled. Friends know that the Footie Professor will lie, steal, and pillage to be there. Here’s hoping you join me!

Last, but not least, I’ve asked good friend “The Professional” to guest blog Friday. He agreed Sunday during the final, but that was after drinking most of three liters of libation. It was ill-advised, but when "The Professional" puts a drink to his lips, that drink is history. I expect the same committment when he opins football on Friday.

And now, your footie anecdote:

Asked before the World Cup final about the pro-Spain prediction by Paul, the famous clairvoyant cephalopod mollusk, Spanish defender Carlos Marchena responded: “Well, it's an octopus.”

CLASS DISMISSED

La Fin du Monde - Til 2014

2010-07-10T11:09:00.000-04:00

Stop, drop and roll class, Footie 101 is in session.

There’ll be some brevity to this post as nearly all that’s been written in the past few days is simply about how the four remaining World Cup teams want to win their respective matches – there’s a stretch!

A quick recap of the semis find Spain and the Netherlands in the final, and Germany and Uruguay in the third place final. The Spaniards booked their place by their usual 1-0 score line over a tentative and confidence-lacking German side. Had they settled down, they could have made a better go of it, but Spain was imperious and it’s no surprise they’re in the final. Meanwhile, Carlos Puyol was surprised by the unexpected royal visit to the Spanish locker room by Queen Sofia after their win over ze Germans.

Immidiately after the cameras stopped, Queen Sofi snatched Puyol's towl off and challenged his nether regions to a bull fight. My money is on the queen... OLE!

Thus far, I’ve done everything I could to avoid writing about Paul, the psychic German octopus, but circumstances demand I mention him at this late date. You see the cephalopod mollusk (I told you CBT!) has accurately predicted the outcome of every German match of this World Cup. Since Paul rightly predicted Germany’s defeat by Spain, Germans worldwide have turned on the tentacled one, blamming him for their sadness. Needless to say, death by broiling with garlic and butter has topped the list of Germanic revenge methods.

But Paul has competition. Mani the Singapore parakeet has also been predicting matches. And as a result of their notoriety, anything with a pulse is trying to steal their limelight. Can’t we all (cephalopods, parakeets and tricks) just get along?!? Anyway, Paul picked Spain to win it all, while Mani picked the Netherlands for the final. So it’s mano-a-mano, mollusk vs. raptor… TO THE DEATH!

In actual World Cup news, the “flu” has randomly struck down four German players, their coach, and UEFA President Michel Platini – who collapsed in a restaurant after drinking California wine (he’s French).

FIFA King Sepp Blatter, who few know conducts research on the side to find cures for communicable diseases, dubbed the illnesses a Swine Hund Outbreak and quarantined the lot.

In case you haven’t been keeping track, another World Cup referee has entered the Sepp Blatter Re-education Camp – aka the Coulibaly from Mali Referee Vacation Resort and Spa. After gifting Argentina an offside goal against Mexico, Italian Roberto Rosetti has announced his retirement from refereeing. However he insists his decision had nothing to do with his gaff or pressure from The King. Said Rosetti: “Mr. Blatter is my first, my last, my everything.”

There’s been more smoke and mirrors talk from FIFA underlings about goal-line technology. I’ll believe it when I see it… I’d like to see it… but I doubt it'll ever be seen.

In club footie news, England’s Tottenham Hotspur (convulsions) has come up with an idea to generate more cash that will rapidly be adopted by clubs throughout Europe. You see Spurs (convulsions) have had the novel idea to have a kit sponsor for league play and another for cup competitions. This is most certainly to capitalize on the club qualifying for the chance to play in the UEFA Champions League in the coming season. Unlike so many other financial moves by Spurs (convulsions), this one is genuinely intelligent. Despite my disdain for Spurzzzzzzzzz (convulsions), I acknowledge astuteness when it’s displayed.. (convulsions).

Back home, the worst kept secret in MLS history is poised to finally become FACT (with apologies to Rafa Benitez). To some he is one of the most skilled footballers in history. To Irish others he is a cheating pariah. But to the New York Redbulls, he is an imminently arriving gravy train. Thierry Henry is expected to be unveiled Thursday as the club’s newest signing. Look to see Henry (like David Beckham) buy an MLS team after he retires in a couple years.

Now for some picks!

Uruguay-Germany (0-2): Empowered by a rejuvenative elixir concocted by Dr. Blatter, the Germans miraculously recover from the Swine Hund Outbreak and ruthlessly remind the Uruguayans that this is football – not volleyball.

Netherlands-Spain (2-1): I said whoever won in the Brazil-Netherlands quarterfinal would win the cup. I stand by that. Hup! Hup!

And now, your oranje footie anecdote…

Netherlands captain Giovanni Van Bronckhorst said he’ll risk FIFA’s ire by skipping a post-match drug test if he’s randomly selected after the final. The reason – he doesn't want to miss the victory celebrations. Van Bronckhorst was randomly tested after the semi final and he missed the post-match party in the dressing room. He's not worried about FIFA sanctions if he skips the test this time round - Van Bronckhorst retires from football after the match.

UPDATE: Look no further for a reason to support a Netherlands win.

CLASS DISMISSED

Sow Bad Juju, Reap Bad Juju

2010-07-07T11:22:00.000-04:00

Now that the extended Independence Day weekend can no longer be tangentially celebrated class, welcome back to Footie 101.

I’d have posted sooner and more regularly, but I failed to reserve time to blog beyond the quarterfinals – not unlike the Netherlands team, which neglected to arrange for hotel rooms at the World Cup beyond July 6. Having booked their place in the final by defeating Uruguay yesterday (3-2), the Dutch are now homeless as their previous hotel, the Johannesburg Hilton, is booked solid for the rest of the tournament. (I hear there are vacancies in the Paris Hilton!)

FIFA To The Rescue!

The global governing body is hunting for accommodations as we speak so the frugal Dutch have someplace to sleep until Sunday’s final. Once found, do you think they’ll… go Dutch?

In the Netherlands-Uruguay match the Dutch always looked the better team, but Uruguay were a constant threat on the counter attack. That is until Giovanni Von Bronckhorst fired a rocket from 40 yards, across the face of goal, that ricocheted off the upper 90 and nestled into the back of the net. My mobile phone instantly blew up with multiple texts indicating “Goal of the tournament,” and I can’t disagree.

Though down 3-1 in the closing minutes, the Uruguayans fought back with a stoppage time goal from Maxi Pereira. The Netherlands held on for the win, but two things shone about this Dutch team: 1) Arjen Robben has no chocolate foot (his right), and 2) the Dutch don’t know how to finish off a game. Robben missed one fairly easy goal early in the match because he took the shot with his right foot (skying it into the stratosphere) and another that was more difficult on the counter attack that he should have taken with his right. Lacking confidence in his ‘gummy foot’, he unsuccessfully tried to flick past the keeper with his left. It’s quite a shame that a player of his quality and at this level doesn’t have any competency with his un-favored foot. Perhaps that’s why he was sold from Chelsea to Real Madrid, who later sold him to Bayern Munchen.

Then there is the Dutch propensity to muck up a well-played match in its final moments. This team had multiple chances to put the game out of reach, but failed to score fairly routine chances and then allowed the Uruguayans to score and put themselves in a position to extend the contest. The Dutch did something similar in the quarterfinal against Brazil (2-1) when they neglected chance after chance to put the game away. One instance saw them squander a 3-on-2 counter attack in the Brazilian box. A more ruthless team (see Deutschland) would have buried those chances, and would eagerly accept any slim opportunities offered up at the end of a match. Sounds like Von Bronckhorst has some teamwork on his hands before Sunday's final.

Now I must speak about the complete lack of sportsmanship shown by Uruguayan striker Luis Suarez, who double-fisted a goal-bound shot off the line in the quarterfinal match with Ghana. Many things need to be said here; among them is the fact that the Ghanaians failed to convert the subsequent penalty, and then fell apart in the penalty shoot out. Also, the rules were followed to the letter - Suarez was red carded and suspended for a match. That said, this low-grade troglodyte dishonored the game he’s dedicated his life to by violating one of its basic tenets. Argentina’s Diego Maradona did this. So did France’s Thierry Henry. Now add to that list Uruguay’s Suarez, who celebrated in the tunnel when he saw Ghana miss the penalty given after his act of cowardice. Disgusting!

And like Diego (fat recovering coke addict) and Henry (shameful team performance), fate had the last word with Suarez, as the Netherlands sent Uruguay home where it belonged. If you sow bad juju, ye shall reap bad juju. Hey Suarez: Have some cocktail nuts in the economy section on your flight back to Montevideo! And when you land, someone should remind you of FIFA’s fair play code: “Winning is without value if victory has been achieved unfairly or dishonestly. Cheating is easy, but brings no pleasure.”

Now on to less distasteful matters.

Many people have spoken to me about how gutted Brazilians must be after being ousted by the Dutch in the quarterfinals. I agree, but you must remember that they are Brazilians, and Brazilians know how to turn water into wine - or caipirinha as the case may be.

Next, there’s a brief, but insightful piece in The Independent on Germany’s multicultural evolution - apparently much better than French efforts. If they best Spain today, there’ll be so much history to draw upon to hype up a Netherlands-Germany final! Afterall, Germany’s name in its native tongue is “Dutch Land.” And when Germans ask people if they speak German, they ask “Spreken zie Deutsch?” Still in the dark? Have a look at how this Dutchman was greeted in his German office when it just appeared that there could be a Germany-Netherlands final:

And although the Dutch team has a long history of internal discord, some dissention has cropped up in this year’s German squad. Who’s at the center of it, but yet another Chelsea bad-boy… discarded midfielder Michael Ballack.

What’s happening with the teams already bounced from the World Cup you ask? Well, Diego (whose Argentina squad was trounced by ze Germans 4-0 in the quarterfinals) may finally do something with dignity and grace for once in his life - quit managing the Argentine national team. Said Argentine Football Association President Julio Grondona: “Maradona is the only person in the country who can do whatever he wants. He still has a contract with us, so it's up to him.” But then, he is Diego. And Diego loves a headline!

In England news, the journalist accused of hiding the spectator who accidentally entered the English locker room after a group stage match, will go on trial for the offence. The bizarre part of this story… the trial will take place July 11 – THE DAY OF THE FINAL! I’m not sure if this is reflective of S. African jurisprudence, or karma biting the journalist – the Sunday Mirror’s Simon Wright – in the ass. Perhaps this incident will inspire Wright to take a page from Earl J. Hickey.

In USA footie news, NASA (that’s right, NASA!) has opined scientific on the Jabulani World Cup ball - which has been panned by anyone who has tried to kick, save, or scratch it. The American space agency has declared the ball.. bad. Houston, we have a problem! When the ball reaches speeds above 44 mph, it becomes unpredictable, NASA researchers said. NASA also blamed the ball's light weight (440 grams) and S. African altitude (1,000 meters or more above sea level) for the balls poor flight and lack of consistency.

Not complaining about the S. African altitude is ESPN – the World Wide Leader (in American Sports), which posted the largest June audience in its history. Led by more dedicated (but still mediocre) coverage to the world’s largest sporting event, ESPN has seen a viewership increase of 1.1 million US households this quarter. The spike was helped by broadcasts of The Masters and the first primetime broadcast of the NFL draft. But it is largely the World Cup that made the difference. Asked if ESPN would now treat the global game with the respect it deserved, an ESPN executive pointed to a television showing "SportsCenter" instead of post match analysis, and walked out of the room.

Lastly, storm clouds are-a-gatherin in Spain as the top two clubs – Mathhhhhrid y Barthhheloana – may soon see their lengthy gravy train cut off. Tired of seeing the big two clubs suck all the cash out of La Liga by keeping their television revenues (the English, German and French leagues each share their television revenues collectively), the other clubs are staging a palace coup! Word is the other 18 clubs have met and decided that if Real Madrid and Barcelona don’t agree to share their television revenues with the other clubs, they’ll be excluded from the league! And I say, bueno for the other 18!

Sharing will be hard for both, but perhaps harder for Barca, as the “more than just a club” club had to take out a $190 million bridge loan to pay players and staff this month. Newly elected club president Sandro Rosell said the loan was to overcome short-term cash flow problems. Barca is “a club in debt and with liquidity problems, but we are resolving them," Rosell said. "Club members shouldn't worry. The club isn't bankrupt.”

Riiiiiiiiight…. Barca needs cash like Pookie needed rocks in "New Jack City." Just Monday Barca sold defender Rumpelstilzchen (real name Dmytro Chygrynskiy) back to the club they bought him from - FC Shakhtar Donetsk in the Ukraine - for a net loss of $16 million. So much for that $60 million purchase of Arsenal captain Cesc Fabregas…

Not to be outdone, Italy’s football federation has decided that it’s not xenophobic enough and will further limit the number of non-European Union players on Italian club rosters to (drum roll please.. ) ONE! This was done in response to Italy’s poor showing at the World Cup. You’ll remember the defending world champions didn’t even make it out of the group stage. And although Serie A champs Inter Milan won the UEFA Champions League, it did so without an Italian player in the starting lineup at the final.

The xenophobia amendment is effective immediately. Saluto colored people.

Now for today’s pick. You’ll remember that I didn’t blog before the Uruguay-Netherlands match, so there was no pick. This was partly because the only way I could figure out how to support the Netherlands without picking them in the blog (I blame my abysmal record on bad juju) was to not blog at all. I’m under no such specter with the Spain-Germany semifinal, however. Sooooooo…

Spain-Germany (2-1): The bulls are running in Pamplona, and so shall they in Durban.

And now, your footie anecdote:

Germany midfield sensation Mesut Ozil has ridiculed England players for complaining that they were bored between games in South Africa. Said Ozil: "If you find the greatest tournament on earth boring, then you probably shouldn't be there."

CLASS DISMISSED

Torn Between Two Lovers

2010-07-02T08:49:00.000-04:00

I'm in a melancholy mood today class, plus I've had three hours sleep, so there'll be a brief class today of Footie 101.

First, the Prof has been travelling for the past few days and has noticed one very disturbing fact... American breeders allow their toddler males to run riot over their lives. From airport to airport, boys aged 2-5 threw tantrums, harassed and harangued their mothers. Sadly, those mothers accepted and even encouraged the behavior. What troubled me most was that these parents have no idea just exactly what kind of smart-assed, arrogant, self-obsessed "men" they're raising. Let us move heaven and earth to prevent any further preening egoists from being procreated lest more of this is spawned.

Today and tomorrow we see less-spoiled preening egoists battle it out in the quarter finals of the World Cup. First the Netherlands take on Brazil and then Uruguay face Ghana. Tomorrow it’s Argentina squaring off with Germany and Paraguay calling out Spain. For those not counting, that's three European teams to the four South American sides... plus one African nation for desert.

Of all these matches, this morning's match between the wooden shoed windmill-makers and the samba kings stands out in a disturbingly horrendous way. How can anyone choose...

This does not help...

The tasty match on Saturday, well, Diego makes that easy. Some famous poet once wrote... (or was it a note from Jack the Ripper): Pride cometh before a fall. How do you say Geronimo in Spanish...? Oh, right! El Herrrrrronimooooooo!

In other footie news, Nigeria has entered the "Nation that FIFA Hates the Most" contest by one-upping France's presidential interventions with a full-fledged two year suspension of national team activities. FIFA King Sepp Blatter - never pleased when even an iota of his authority is challenged - was not amused.

The King is keeping busy, as Australia have entered the "Hate Me" contest by tossing deadly mini-jellyfish at him during a news conference. Apparently in the Aussie bid to host the 2022 World Cup, the football heavies from Oz gave expensive jewelry to the wives of FIFA executives. Someone Down Under apparently didn't realize that tributes go to Sepp and only Sepp. Blatter don't Play dat!

I said this would be a short class, right? So short it is!

Netherlands-Brazil (1-2): I'm already crying and will continue to cry. The Footie Gods were cruel with this matchup. But the winner will win the World Cup!

Uruguay-Ghana (2-0): Uruguayans just don't give up goals in this tournament and the Ghanaians just don't score em in open play.

Argentina-Germany (0-1): Ozil will score the winner, then scurry past Argentine coach Diego Maradona during his goal celebration. In his mistaken belief that the Argentinean's coif is a hairpiece, Ozil will tear it from his skull, giving spontaneous birth to a new Argentina hair style sensation - the reverse mowhawk.

Paraguay-Spain: (0-3): After the third goal, unused Spanish sub Cesc Fabregas will troll the touchline with a giant vat of paella. Asked why afterwards the midfielder said: "That was the closest I'll get to the pitch."

And now your footie anecdote:

World's greatest footballer Pele has reignited his neverending feud with Argentine legend Maradona. Asked by a German magazine how he rated Maradona's coaching, the Brazilian seized upon the opportunity: "He is not a good coach, because he had a bizarre lifestyle which cannot go down well with his team." He could have made it better by putting a finger to his nostril, making a snorting sound then winking.

CLASS DISMISSED

Mea Culpa Shell Game

2010-06-30T18:32:00.000-04:00

This will have to be a brief lecture today as The Prof is travelling, so eyes front class and let’s get into Footie 101.

Hell hath frozen over… or at least we’ve been told that it will… sometime in the near, but ambiguous future. FIFA King Sepp Blatter has (thunderous heart pounding)… apologized! The King has acknowledged that the blown officiating calls in the Germany-England and Argentina-Mexico matches were unacceptable, apologized to the Brits and Mexicans for the blunders, and said goal-line technology will be explored at FIFA’s next International Football Association board meeting in July.

In Blatter’s news conference he cited the Mexican match specifically and was adamant that the only kind of technology that would be explored would be goal-line technology. Interesting…. Since the offsides call that allowed a dubious Argentina goal against Mexico to stand had absolutely nothing to do with whether the ball crossed the goal-line or not.

I suspect that ole King Sepp is pulling a shell game mea culpa. He’ll say that FIFA will not allow such things to happen again and that they will explore their options vigorously at the meeting. By then, there’ll be several other story lines that will have captured public imagination and discussion of technology (goal-line or otherwise) will fade away like the wicked witch of the west.

Now, I’d love to see the introduction of technology to better officiate the game – as would many referees – but I just don’t see the King really making a change to the position he’s held and staunchly defended for years. Let’s hope that I’m as wrong about this as my predictions of World Cup matches have been. Weeeeeeeeeeeeee!

In a mildly related story, a recent referee training session has confirmed clairvoyant statements made by The Footie Professor that “certain” World Cup referees had been banished to the Coulibaly from Mali Referee Vacation Resort and Spa – also known as N. Korea. Neither of the referees from the Argentina-Mexico or Germany-England match was present at the training session.

"They decided not to be here for personal reasons," said FIFA's head of refereeing Jose Maria Garcia-Aranda, adding: “Those personal reasons being that they’ve been assigned to the Sepp Blatter Re-Education Program. FIFA will have no further comment.”

When pressed by reporters about the absent officials, the spokesman said: “Officials!? What officials?”

The King also flexed his muscles this week, warning French President Nicolas Sarkozy to attend to breaking up underground Parisian cheese smuggling rings and leave the administration of the French Football Federation to the French Football Federation.

Said Sepp: “Definitely, I can tell you that political interference will be dealt with by FIFA. Watch me…”

You see, FIFA has a hard and fast rule that all national football associations shall not be interfered with by their governments. When that does happen (and the King decides to notice), the federation is suspended from sanctioned play for a period of time. And ever since the French stunk up the 2010 World Cup like a giant block of Limburger cheese, Sarkozy has been vocal about setting the FFF straight. He’s been in and out of the FFF so much that it thinks its Annabel Chong.

In other pimp, er, FIFA news, burglars broke into FIFA’s South African offices Sunday, stole seven replicas of the golden World Cup trophy…. and some sweaters. THIS JUST IN: Brazilian coach Dunga has been arrested and charged as the thieving bastard who defiled the FIFA offices. Asked why, the crew-cutted Carioca said: “We’ll get seven eventually, why not now!” Then, pressed on why he took the sweaters, he smiled broadly, leaned back in his jail cell and said:” Brasileiros don’t like to samba in the cold.”

Now out of a jail cell is Pavlos Joseph, the England supporter that strolled into the England team’s dressing room after their World Cup match against Algeria. Charges were dropped Tuesday after Joseph paid about $100 for an admission of guilt fine - although some say the team itself should be fined for its performances. With Joseph out of jail, the obligatory Englishman in jail slot now goes to the Sunday Mirror’s Simon Wright, who is accused of harboring Joseph.

That of course leaves the dog house, where Dutch striker Robin Van Persie spent the night after throwing a tantrum at being taken off 10 minutes before the end of the Netherlands-Slovakia match (2-1).

“I was very disappointed because I wanted to take advantage of the spaces being left at the back by the Slovaks in the final minutes,” said van Persie, an Arsenal striker who has scored just once in the four Dutch World Cup matches.

Netherlands coach Bert van Marwijk squashed the drama, but it was still shades of Netherland World Cups past, including the 1996 Euros when infighting and racial tension among the squad derailed a dream accumulation of talent.

And then there is Portuguese pretty boy Christiano Ronaldo, who should be under the jail after this reaction to losing to Spain (1-0). BTW, he did virtually nothing to stop the Spanish.

Lastly, there is this sad note. A Texas man has been charged with murder after punching his infant stepdaughter twice to quiet her during a World Cup match. Hector Castro, of McAllen, apparently broke her ribs. When he realized that he’d killed her, police say he put a screw in her mouth to suggest that she’d choked on it. This scum deserves the worst society has to offer. Just like in life, there is passion in football. That passion can be inspiring, or it can be idiotic. Then there is scum, and Hector is just that.

And now your footie anecdote:

The Footie Professor would like to welcome his first unknown follower - Ian_H. Ian marks the growth of the blog from ramblings among friends to the first step towards finding a broader audience. Cheers Ian!

CLASS DISMISSED

Sepp Say No

2010-06-28T10:59:00.000-04:00

Class, we’ve got a mid-week break coming, so let’s settle in to cover today’s material in Footie 101.

As more and more bandwagoners have begun following the World Cup, I’ve increasingly heard complaints from my compatriots about the lack of consistent and accurate refereeing. I must say that I do and always have agreed with this sentiment. What’s the point in having a game unless you’re going to do everything in your power to follow the rules of that game? That said, I’ve repeatedly told the bandwagoners that inconsistent officiating and blown calls are a part of the culture of the game and that if you intend to follow this global sport, then you have to be part of (and accept) its culture.

I liken it to when you were a child and went to a neighboring kid’s yard to play. In that neighboring kid’s yard, playing with that neighboring kid’s ball, you played by that neighboring kid’s rules – whatever they were. If you didn’t like those rules, you left and played in some other kid’s yard, and by some other kid’s rules. And that’s essentially what our litigious and ubber-righteous American sensibilities must come to terms with. You don't see the American players or coach moaning about the poor refereeing decisions that went against them in the tournament. That’s because they are part of the culture of the game – the global culture – and accepted the situation.

Who’s moaned the most – why the English of course, who were pants by Ze Germans 4-1 Sunday. After that match, England supporters all round the world felt like they were having one of those dreams where they realized they were butt naked in the middle of a busy intersection – except it wasn’t dream. Their gripe was legitimate, however. Midfielder Frank Lampard’s shot bounced off the cross bar and nearly a yard inside the goal. Even if it had been given, Deutschland would still have embarrassed them.

These types of calls are missed all the time, but until it went against the English, they were happy to largely continue with the status quo. However when it went against them, we were met by a cacophony of “THIS IS A DISGRACE!” and “THIS MUST CHANGE NOW.” Typical that the nation that gave us the modern game sat idly by until they were wronged. Where’s the leadership lads? Don’t look for it to come from the Football Association (The FA), which is so antiquated that it still has a figurehead president always drawn from the British royal family, and three seats designated for representatives of the royal army, air force and navy!

This is also a country that, when playing the freshly minted Nazi Germany in 1938, gave the Nazi salute in the pre-match national anthem ceremony.

If you’re looking for accountability, look no further than the bookies - leave it to FIFA to allow gamblers to hold the high moral ground. The top bookmakers are paying customers who bet on Lampard scoring against Germany. One gambling house spokesman Graham Sharpe said: "Even Sepp Blatter knows Lampard scored.” Sharpe (along with two innocent interns) was immediately banished to the Phantom Zone.

There’s an old English adage in the game that bad calls even out over time. Sometimes this evening out comes right away, and sometimes it takes years. Perhaps the English should have considered the old adage in 1966 when they “scored” a goal against Ze Germans that never crossed the line. That goal galvanized the English on their way to their first and only World Cup win. It’s been a long time coming, but suddenly Karma stings, eh England? Even Thierry Henry has all but acknowledged that his “Hand of Frog” hand ball that unfairly eliminated the Irish and allowed the French into this World Cup was likely the cause of the French implosion in the group stages.

Karma aside, until key leaders in the game (and I’m talkin bout the King here), decide that this type of controversy is bad for business, nothing will change. Here’s your big lesson of the day class: FIFA King Sepp Blatter was elected largely through African, South American and Asian support (most of the nations in FIFA and the world for that matter are nations of color). And his power base is maintained by this non-European coalition. If there is an outcry from Africa, South America and Asia for him to jump, the King will respond regally, but eagerly “how high?” However, cries of outrage from Europe (allo England!) will be met with a dismissively mute smile.

And silence is all we’ll get this World Cup. ESPN had to go back to 2007 to find a statement from King Sepp on the possibility of introducing technology into refereeing the game. Little known fact – FIFA headquarters is shielded by a sound-proof force field. It’s surrounded by a moat of change-consuming, ravenous, land-walking sharks… with lasers. Any attempt to make changes to FIFA will be met by said change-consuming, ravenous, land-walking sharks… with lasers. And who controls the actions of those change-consuming, ravenous, land-walking sharks… with lasers? Why, FIFA King Sepp Blatter, of course.

Now I’ve heard countless television pundits point to King Sepp and complain that he’s unwilling to even engage in discussing the introduction of technology to better officiate the game. And I warn these pundits to watch their tongues, lest they be removed taste bud by taste bud and served as a caviar-like delicacy to those change-consuming, ravenous, land-walking sharks… with lasers.

Back to results. Mexico was also wronged Sunday in its’ 1-3 loss to the Italians who speak Spanish. Argentina’s first goal should not have been allowed as Carlos Tevez was in an offsides position when Messi passed him the ball. Mexican players surrounded the referee (Italian by coincidence of course) and pointed to the stadium big screen, where the offsides was clearly being shown. The refs nervously averted their eyes in fear of being sent to FIFA’s new Coulibaly from Mali Referee Vacation Resort and Spa – located in an uncharted region of N. Korea. FIFA has since announced that it will crack down on its policy of not allowing replays in the stadium. In keeping with its Stone Age technology philosophy, FIFA commented on the replay being shown in the stadium (calling it “a clear mistake,”) but did not comment on the bad call itself.

Argentina coach Diego Maradona (who loves being in the blog by the way), said Tevez’s goal looked “absolutely normal” to him, but offered a word of condolence to the English, who he himself cheated in 1986 with a handball goal.

There was no cheating or poor officiating to blame in the USA’s Saturday match. They were simply beaten by Ghana (2-1)… AGAIN! US Coach Bob Bradley was forced to make an early change after realizing he got his tactics all wrong. The miscalculation led to Ghana walking through the US midfield with ease and eventually powering home a breakaway goal in the fifth minute. Bradley countered by taking off his second striker and bringing in another midfielder. The adjustment brought the US back into the game, eventually winning a penalty in the 62 minutes that leveled the match. The game went into extra time, but the inconsistent US defense allowed another breakaway goal (which US Captain Carlos Bocanegra gave up on) in the 93 minute and was never able to pull another back. It was an invigorating run, but like a coin-operated peep show, it was over too soon. I promise to revisit the state of US Soccer in the weeks to come.

In other news, King Sepp has miraculously escaped bribery charges from a Swiss court. The King had been accused of getting a kickback from a now-defunct company called ISL. The alleged payoff was supposed to have secured ISL’s contract to manage the broadcast rights of all FIFA events. In a rare act of transparency, FIFA released a statement after the King was cleared: “As the investigation and the case are now definitely closed, FIFA will make no further comment…….. HA!

In more domestic litigation, YouTube has been cleared of copyright infringement in a $1 billion lawsuit brought by Viacom and the English Premier League. Basically the judge ruled that YouTube is not liable for any copyright infringement of content posted on its site. Not only do I think the judge has this right, I think, Viacom, the EPL and even FIFA have this all wrong. FIFA has been pulling clips of World Cup goals off of YouTube like a compulsive gardener surrounded by spontaneously growing weeds. For me, these are clips after the matches are over and only serve to further foster interest in the game. You can watch the clips on FIFA’s website, why not YouTube?

And now for something completely different – an MLS reference! The expansion Philadelphia Union christened their new stadium yesterday with a 3-1 come-from-behind victory over the Seattle Sounders. Cheers to the Sons of Ben (the name of the club’s supporters group), but the real point of note is the absolutely gorgeous new $122 million stadium – PPL Park, which must be called People Park just for GP! Otherwise, the crime wave and subsequent state of emergency in the surrounding community will continue.

Lastly, First Fiver, Face, will be happily gloating that my consistently wrong picks magically empowered Uruguay past the S. Koreans (2-1) Saturday. Face, you’ll be happy to know that I’m gonna pick against Uruguay again (see Wednesday picks). Even to me this seems a bit loony, as the South American teams have a staggering 6-1-4 record thus far in the tournament. The sole loss was Chile to cup favorites Spain. Meanwhile, Uruguay has conceded just one goal so far. Genious!

So here are your picks for today:

Netherlands-Slovakia (3-1): Waarom vliegen? Als je over water kunt lopen! (in the original Dutch)

Brazil-Chile (2-0): Though Brazil continue to look sluggish, Robinho’s return to the squad will be like hearing the first beat of samba in the morning

Paraguay-Japan (0-1): I drank with some Japanese Thursday. It was an omen. Kompai!

Spain-Portugal (2-1): Aided by an angry Kim Jong-Il, Spain will win the Battle of Iberia and then post Ronaldo's mobile phone number on El Twitter.

And now your footie anecdote:

Keeping up with its brethren, the All England Lawn Tennis and Croquet Club, is refusing to allow any of the 1,500 people waiting in line for tickets to Wimbledon to leave their spot in line to watch World Cup matches. Apparently Wimbledon is jealous of the World Cup and is throwing a tantrum by forbidding any footie anywhere near the manicured courts. African vuvuzelas have also been banned.

A spokesman for the All England Club said: “It’s nothing to do with being vindictive. People have a choice: they can either queue or they can watch the football.” No vindictiveness there…

CLASS DISMISSED

The End of Landy Cakes - My Slice of Humbled Pie

2010-06-25T10:36:00.000-04:00

All rise… welcome to Footie 101: the honorable Footie Professor professing.

Class, this morning I’m reminded of a little girl in my fourth grade class named Anita. Now, Anita was a bit homely looking for my refined fourth grade taste, so when she made pre-pubescent advances towards me, I spurned her as 8-year-old boys are want to do: “Eeeeewwwwwww! Coodies!!!” With some 30+ years of living since, I’ve seen many formerly homely lasses turn into straight foxes, and I can only imagine just how fine little Anita has become.

I relay this story because you will find parallels in football. For the past decade I have been a heavy critic of USA midfielder Landon Donovan, and I still believe the criticism was sound. As a much younger player, Donovan spurred repeated opportunities to raise his game playing in Europe and repeatedly scurried back to comfy Cali with his tail between his legs. The most egregious episode for me came during a spell with Bayer Leverkusen in the German Bundesliga. The homesick surfer boy bemoaned that he“missed his girlfriend,” and back to MLS he came.

All during this time his performances for the US men’s national team continued to impress. But stateside observers questioned his mettle and dubbed him “Landy Cakes” – an epithet I’ve used for him on more than one occasion.

Never again.

After a rather anonymous 90 minutes Wednesday in the crucial group stage decider against Algeria, Donovan led a stoppage time counter attack, sliding the ball to an eager Jozy Altidore, who centered for Clint Dempsey. When Dempsey’s shot (he had something like eight on target) was hacked down and time stood still, Donovan ran straight down the middle of the box and drilled the ball into the back of the Algerian net in the 91st minute... It’s now more than 36 hours since that goal and I’m still buzzing.

Donovan has shown throughout his career that he is talented, but in the past year or so, he’s stepped up his game, shown the mental fortitude of a warrior, and (for my money) vanquished the “Landy Cakes” label for all time. Let’s not forget it was Donovan who led the US comeback when they were down 2-nil to Slovenia. So impressive are Donovan’s performances at this World Cup that Fox Soccer Channel’s “Ticket to South Africa” panelists (far superior to the Alexi Lalas drivel on the World Wide Leader) knighted him “Sir Landon Donovan,” and that’s how I’ll refer to him from now on.

Class, you can take a lesson from this. No matter how big of a donkey, wimp, or waste of oxygen you may think a player is, that player can always improve, turn around and prove you wrong. Sir Landon, I salute your True Grit.

Some absent grit from this squad has been the pre-hyped talent of Freddie Adu. Many have asked me “Where’s Freddie?” I remind you; he’s just turned 22 and has the potential to be influential in at least the next two World Cups. Chilllll Winston! If we’re lucky, Freddie will be a continuation of the Rise of US Soccer.

Next Up for the US is Ghana – the only African nation to make it to the round of 16 (Ivory Coast still has a slim chance). Now class, you know I’ve been all about African Unity at this World Cup, but the USA has a score to settle with Ghana from 2006. I was at the match and despite paying €250 for a scalped ticket with a face value of €27, sitting three rows from the very back of the stadium, and having an obstructed view; it was one of the most satisfying experiences of my life to see my nation play in a World Cup. And to have all that blighted by a highly questionable penalty awarded for a diving Ghanaian named Razak Pimpong …. Pffff! Well, come Saturday there will be consequences and repercussions!

Now, onto other class topics.

I predicted that defending champions Italy would step up and progress to the next round. In keeping with my predictions being completely wrong, the Italians were summarily run out of the tournament by Slovakia (3-2). I can’t say I’m disappointed, as the Italians are notorious for playing very unattractive anti-football. What it means, however, is that there’s one more unfancied team in the knockout phase. Could we see a Cinderella crowned champion? Sure… and the freshly minted US Wall Street reform will actually curb corporate greed.

Then there's England. Having staggered to a second place finish in the group behind Team USA, England now face its old enemy Germany and have already begun practicing penalties. Those of you who’ve been studying up will know that England-Germany is one of the most storied and entertaining rivalries in world football – especially for ze Germans. Deutschland has owned the Brits for decades now, especially if the match must be decided on penalties. The Germans have twice beaten England on penalties at major tournaments - in the 1990 World Cup and at Euro 96. The one recent exception to this Germanic domination was the 5-1 drubbing of the Huns in Munich by the Limeys in a 2001 World Cup qualifier. So meaningful was this aberration that the English continue to celebrate it to this day. England striker Michael Owen scored a hat trick in that match and hasn’t been heard from since. Faint rumors suggest he’s hold up with D-Day writing an English football sequel to “Animal House” called “The Pub.”

And speaking of England, football, and drinking, it seems uptight England manager Fabio Capello has loosened his Roman cod piece and (in response to the attempted player coup earlier in the week) is allowing the lads to have a pint or two the night before their matches. Said England midfielder Frank Lampard of Capello’s change of heart: “A lot has been made about the boredom in the hotel, but you can't come away for a month and live like a monk. You might have one or two beers – you don't have to have 10.” Riiiiiiiiight.

You see, players getting wasted before a match is as much a part of English football culture as… well, getting wasted before a match. Of course there was that brief period in the 1990s when English footballers got all holier than thou. It peaked with the famous goal celebration by Liverpool striker Robbie Fowler, who decided to be a role model for English children and show them that there were better ways to live their lives than getting drunk at the pub every day.

Apparently, Fowler’s act of selflessness fell upon dry lips because the all out English drinking culture remains strong. Don’t take my word for it. Ask the bar owners in Bloemfontein, S. Africa, where the English will take on the Germans Sunday. Bloemfontein is in a part of S. Africa that is notoriously conservative, and as a custom most bars don’t serve alcohol on Sundays. That is until they learned the English were coming! Said one Bloemfontein bartender: “Of course we’ll be serving alcohol. We’ve got the English and the Germans coming – if we were closed we’d deserve to go out of business.”

In a British-related story, the Kiwis of New Zealand are out of the tournament despite never losing. The 0-0 final group match with Paraguay left the team headed back to Auckland, but not before a New Zealand lawmaker attempted to create a public holiday to mark the achievements of the team. Hearing that the bill was rejected by the nation’s parliament within 15 seconds of its introduction, supporters at the match “rioted.” Actually, they stayed in the stadium singing praises of their side in a marvelous Kiwi stupor.

Continuing on the government angle, former US President Bill Clinton was seen plotting the overthrow of western democracy with FIFA King Sepp Blatter during the USA match. Clinton apparently enjoyed the last gasp victory so much that he cheered his voice into submission. The former president is said to have scribbled a note to Blatter detailing a remedy that would bring his voice back to life. Through diligent investigation, the Footie Professor has learned the exact language of Clinton’s note: “I need some herbal tea, some lemon, and loooooooots of brown sugar.” King Blatter is said to have responded by turning to an underling, clapping twice and shouting: “Brown Sugar for the President!” And then they both disappeared into a sinister puff of smoke.

Lastly on the political tip, French President Nicolas Sarkozy met with French striker Thierry Henry yesterday and discussed the national team’s World Cup melt down. Other than cancelling the state business of the fifth largest economy in the world to conduct the meeting, little else is known. There was, however an insightfully observant piece about the French in the Guardian. Let’s hope I’m not required to return to this bucket of “Liberté, égalité, and fraternité” again.

A couple of other quick notes. Having not mentioned Argentina coach Diego Maradona for a couple blogs, I’ve been told Diego has stepped up his buffoonery just to stay in the blog. He’s apparently said he may call new Real Madrid manager Jose Mourinho for advice in the coming days of the World Cup. Said Diego: “He seemed to me a guy to take to your bedside table and ask him each time you need something… I've got his phone number, I might call him.” Fearing what you think I’m thinking, I’m gonna leave that one alone.

Meanwhile, China – a nation not even in the tournament – has seen a massive spike in online gambling since the World Cup kicked off earlier this month. Despite gambling being illegal (except in Macau), Chinese officials busted its biggest ever gambling ring last week, arresting 70 people. There’s ingenuity for you. The Chinese people can’t have a functioning Google, but will be damned if they can’t make an internet bet on the World Cup.

Now, we’re down to the final four matches to decide which four sides join the round of 16. Here are my picks for the weekend:

TODAY:
Portugal-Brazil (1-3): Portugal gave us Brazil, but Brazil gave us Samba!

N. Korea-Ivory Coast (0-2): What the Ivory Coast needs, it won’t get.

Chile-Spain (1-3): Chile gave us a false claim to the origin of Pisco. Spain gave us flamingo!

Switzerland-Honduras (2-0): St. Bernards rescue people in the snow with a mini flask of brandy!

SATURDAY:
Uruguay-S. Korea (1-2): Much to the chagrin of a First Fiver, I’m going with the Koreans because of a girl I once knew named Y Mee – I swear! That was her name!

USA-Ghana (2-1): Revenge is sweet sayeth the Prof.

SUNDAY:
England-Germany (1-1): Drunk, high, or sober, the English never beat the Germans on penalties.

Argentina-Mexico (3-1): Messi likes tacos! And I’ll be the shoulder for Salma Hayek to cry on.

And now, your footie anecdote:
Signs of the World Cup:

CLASS DISMISSED

The Cream Always Rises

2010-06-23T10:40:00.000-04:00

Quiet down class, you can drink and gossip on your own time. It’s my time when you’re in Footie 101!

Those of you who’ve been skating along this World Cup are at a crossroads. Now is the time to step up, or drop this class. And then there are the others among you who have all the ability to be nourished by all the Footie Professor has to offer, but have underachieved thus far. Not to worry class. The cream always rises to the top.

Let’s start with a story I thought I’d be done with today, but promises to drag on for months – like a tiny chocolate croissant pulled behind a broken down Le Car. The non-stop daytime soap opera that is Team France pouted their way to a 2-1 loss to hosts S. Africa yesterday. Bafana Bafana made the match quite watchable by pushing hard (but in vain) to get the 3 goal margin that would have seen them advance. They didn’t, but did the nation and the continent proud.

Despite losing (again) and embarrassing people with names like Claudette and Pierre, the Gauls continued to entertain – if you like sadomasochism! First French coach Jar Jar Domenech yanked six insubordinate players from the starting lineup – including captain Patrice Evra. Then linebacker Yoann Gourcuff was red carded for elbowing a S. African player going for a header. Next, the French conceded two goals, before pulling one back. And when the match ended, Jar Jar chose not to exit the pitch with dignity. Instead he took his last moment in the spotlight to confront S. African coach Carlos Alberto Parreira.

Said Parreira: “I believe it was because I had criticized his team after they qualified (when they cheated to beat Ireland to qualify for the World Cup), but I really don't remember. This is what his assistants told me.”

And then there’s Evra, who complained about being yanked for the game and subsequently promised: “France will know the truth.”

At this stage, I think “France” would be exceedingly pleased if the team plane was blown off course and disappeared over the Bermuda Triangle. Even if they did vanish, all kinds of other self-important Frenchmen have promised inquests: “everyone will go before the federal council.”

Even Jennifer Lopez is saying …

Next on my list of disdain is the extinct flightless bird once known as Super Eagle, but for the next four years should be called the Super DoDo. Nigeria…. Oh Nigeria. How you stunk up the joint, drawing 2-2 with S. Korea yesterday and exiting the tournament. Nigeria took a great 1-0 lead then conceded two cheap goals. As the match wore on, they missed chance after chance after chance. The one missed by Yakubu is painful to watch. Needless to say, Booger from “Revenge of the Nerds” would score in a nunnery full of menopaused mother superiors before him.

A quick note on Portugal’s demolition of N. Korea (7-0) Monday… these self-centered Iberian hacks were so focused on running up the score that they never even considered what that result would mean to those N. Korean players and their families (read never to be seen again). Sportsmanship… alive and well in Lisboa.

That result also requires the Ivory Coast to win by 9 goals to qualify for the next round. That will happen shortly after Argentine players stop wearing mullets and hair bands. In other words, NEVER. That leaves Algeria (v USA) and Ghana (V Germany) as the only hope that an African nation will advance to the knockout stage in the only World Cup played in Africa. Pack up your dashikis boys - right next to your Members Only jacket and pink Izod shirts. There is no joy in Joh-berg… Mighty Africa has struck out. My theory as to why: None of the African nations have worn the Puma African Unity jersey in the tournament!

Before I forget, a FIRST FIVEer has requested that I mention Uruguay in the post. Having completed that sentence, I believe that request has been met... Seriously, the South American nations are looking quite strong thus far. And despite my casual dismissal, Uruguay (yet to concede a goal at this cup) is a proud footballing nation. In fact, it is the first football super power, having won two pre World Cup world championships (1924 and 1928), then winning the first cup in 1930, and another in 1950. That’s four titles and four stars on the national team kit! Somewhere in Ecuador (don’t ask why) a man who is impossible to understand in Spanish or English is smiling.

In other news, after showing the strength of his pimp hand, England coach Fabio Capello has declared: “I’m not crazy. England can win the World Cup.” And suddenly that pimp hand has gone limp.

The Brits have to beat Slovenia today to advance. They should, but with several injuries in defense, uncertainty about midfield, an impotent strike force, and an Anglo-Saxon pox lingering since 1966, you couldn’t be blamed for expecting a France-like meltdown. Playing at the same time is USA-Algeria. Newsweek is calling Algeria “The other French team,” which only dooms them further in my book. I’m openly biased here, so I can see nothing but a US win. The Yanks usually perform well with their backs up against a wall. And when they perform, the professor professes: “Beer shall flow like water.” Coincidentally, if anyone reading the blog is an attorney, I may require bail later.

No matter the early upsets, the big teams always perform and the US can now count itself among the group of big teams that have never won the World Cup – Spain, Netherlands, and Portugal. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it three times: “The cream, my friends, always rises to the top.”

I’ve already picked today’s games, but here are picks for Thursday:

Paraguay-New Zealand (2-1): The S. Americans think the New Zealanders are the Kiwis you can eat... and eat them.

Slovakia-Italy (0-2): The cannoli cream will dive, roll dramatically on the ground, fuss with its hair, then rises theatrically to the top.

Cameroon-Netherlands (1-3): The Clockwork Orange strikes midnight on Africa's last and only hope.

Denmark-Japan (2-1): Ichiban may be #1, but the Danes do it better.

And now, your Footie anecdote:

FIFA is planning to closely watch the final round of the group stage matches for any match-fixing. Their “Early Warning System” is supposed to detect irregular betting patterns in every match. In addition, FIFA has set up a telephone hotline for players, referees or coaches to report if they are approached by a third party offering them a bribe for match-fixing or betting. Here are some calls that have already been lodged on the FIFA hotline’s voicemail:

Call #1: Silence… Followed by the sound of Italians giggling.

Call #2: Silence… Followed by the sound of Arab billionaires giggling.

Call #3: Silence… Followed by the sound of Russian gangster/oligarchs laughing hysterically.

And of course, the inevitable…

CLASS DISMISSED

Anarchy, Shenanigans, and Phase One of a Vuvuzela Sex Change

2010-06-21T11:55:00.000-04:00

Class, we’ve had an action and controversy packed weekend in world football, so let’s dive right in on Footie 101.

With the second round of the group stages of the World Cup nearly complete, the stress is beginning to show in several squads – and none has shown itself to be more irrevocably broken than France. This collection of talented but petulant players has raised the bar for live global implosion. It’s so bad that BP executives are quietly thanking the French Football Federation (FFF) for distracting the world from its Gulf Coast disaster.

Really it all started when the FFF appointed Raymond “Jar Jar” Domenech as coach six years ago. But as far as this tournament is concerned, the tipping point occurred Thursday after France were handled by Mexico (0-2). In the locker room, Jar Jar criticized striker Nicolas (Le Sulk) Anelka. Le Sulk, who plays his club footie for Chelsea in England, didn’t like the constructive criticism and shot back: “Go f@#k yourself you son of a whore.” Rather than providing a dignified response (like, say head butting him in the chest), Jar Jar manned up… and had Le Sulk sent home on the next plane. Bold… Decisive… French.

But, but, but, wait it gets worse! The next day, French captain and Manchester United defender Patrice Evra had 'de Gaul' to disagree with a team trainer while video cameras rolled. The trainer stormed off tossing his credentials to the heavens. Several have weighed in on the running train wreck – including French President Nicolas Sarkozy – and there’ve been a string of subsequent resignations, including team director Jean-Louis Valentin. But the resignation that’s needed, that’s wanted, that has to happen, remains un-submitted. Jar Jar, whasa yousa waitin for?!?

This Just In: The French team is training today like nothing has happened. Vive le France and pass the croissants!!!

Despite bringing team discord to new heights, the French have no exclusive lock on team turmoil. England and the Ivory Coast are also divided locker rooms. After England limped to a listless 0-0 draw Friday with lowly Algeria, the players were serenaded from the stands with boos from England supporters. Striker Wayne Rooney (known for his calm, and reasoned responses, or for paying for prostitutes – I forget which…) faced a live television camera and retorted: “nice to see your own fans booing you … If that's what loyal support is … for f@#k's sake."

Later in the dressing room, England princes William and Harry determined none of the team deserved to live and, upon exiting, called in assassin Pavlos Joseph, whose team-like incompetence spared them all. Said Prince William: “Harry and I left the door open, that's why it happened. It was our fault. We take responsibility.”

By Sunday, defrocked England captain and all-around worst teammate ever John Terry decided to lead a players revolt against England coach Fabio Capello. Terry (another Chelsea bad boy) claimed in a news conference that he’d confront Capello in the next team meeting. There was one small problem… there were no players following Terry. In fact, many senior players were incensed with Terry because he’s been a destructive locker room presence since being stripped of the captain’s armband in February.

As for the Ivoirians, well, team captain Didier Drogba (YET ANOTHER Chelsea bad boy) has determined he’s not been supplied enough curl activator to effectively coat his ego-inflated cranium and has been taking it out on his teammates.

Over at camp USA, they don’t have the luxury of infighting, as they’ve got their hands full staving off the specter of low-grade refereeing. Friday, USA were down 2-0 to Slovenia, when the Yanks staged a dramatic comeback, capped by an 82nd minute set piece goal by Maurice Edu. But Mali referee Koman Coulibaly (taking charge of his first World Cup match) called a foul on an un-named US player and the goal was disallowed. The match ended in 2-2.

Despite the horrid call, the US’s fate still rests in its own hands - beat Algeria Wednesday and they advance. But the universally recognized bad call sparked a passionate outburst in the United States not seen since Pele (the REAL best player of all time) graced these shores for a few seasons playing for the New York Cosmos. Yes, that’s right, Coulibaly from Mali (can you say Step N Fetchit!), has unified this footie-hating nation behind… footie! From coast to coast and across all sport platforms, the goal that wasn’t was all anyone could talk about.

Many pundits cautioned that US Soccer officials had to be reserved in their response, as the US is bidding to host the cup in 2018 or 2022. However, I believe that the bid actually empowers US Soccer's position. The 1994 World Cup remains the most heavily attended competition in its history. And this year's cup is marked by the largest number of tickets sold outside of S. Africa going to the ole US of A. Both of these things mean "Mo' Money" for FIFA, and if there's one thing FIFA loves, it's...

Don’t believe me… tell it to Step N Fetchit, who’s done for this World Cup.

Before I forget, the aforementioned US Bid for a future World Cup needs your help. So far half a million people have signed up to support the bid, but more people would help show FIFA that we mean business. So go to http://www.gousabid.com/ and register. Who knows… in about another decade, we’ll be doing all this in LA, Chicago, Kansas City, Atlanta and Philly!

A great honorable mention goes to the Kiwis of New Zealand, who took a shock 1-0 lead over defending champions Italy Sunday and finished with a 1-1 draw – the greatest result for the 78th ranked team in the world. Meanwhile, Italian striker Vincenzo Iaquinta ‘came out’ to his teammates after diving (as only Italians can dive), and scoring the equalizing penalty. After three more operations, he/she wants to be known simply as Shenanay.

Lastly, I’m endeavoring to post Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. So I’ll predict Tuesday and Wednesday’s matches now:

Mexico-Uruguay (0-0): Both advance with a draw, so bet your bottom burrito on this result.

France-S. Africa (1-0): The French muster some pride after receiving kickbacks of stinky cheese.

Nigeria-S. Korea (1-2): With nothing to play for, the ‘Super Eagles’ will start a Soul Train line in front of their own goal, through which Park Ji-Sung will worm and moonwalk the ball into the back of the net.

Greece-Argentina (0-3): What can I say? Messi likes baklava!

Slovenia-England (1-2): Despite stabbing random players in the neck, John Terry will score the winning header, swallow his tongue and turn a familiar shade of dirty blue.

USA-Algeria (3-1): US striker Edson Buddle finally starts, goes berserk and scores all three goals with pelvic thrusts.

Ghana-Germany (1-2): The one things Germans love more than David Hasselhoff... advancing in the Weltmeisterschaft!

Australia-Serbia (1-1): After Serbia’s early opener, the Socceroos respond: “You call that a goal? That’s a goal!”

And now, your football anecdote:

Today: Portugal hammered N. Korea 7-0. Leave it to the Portuguese to celebrate beating the tournament’s worst-ranked team (105 out of 202). The next worst team: host South Africa at 83.

CLASS DISMISSED

World Cup Becomes Star Wars

2010-06-17T13:59:00.000-04:00

A long time ago, in a footieverse far far away...

We're finally starting to get some variety in the World Cup commercials... phew!

Now then, host nation South Africa looks headed out of the tournament - making it the first host nation to not make the knockout stages - after being housed by Uruguay 3-0 Wednesday. You could hear vuvuzelas drop from the lips of Bafana Bafana supporters as the South American's stroked in their second goal. That subsequent collective sigh you heard was the expression of exasperation by striking stadium security workers when they realized they would not be paid. Bring on the Storm Troopers!

The first round of group play was "A New Hope" for Asian teams (the S. Korea and Japan all earning valuable and unlikely wins against Greece and Cameroon respectively, while N. Korea bravely battled perennial favorite Brazil to a 2-1 loss, and New Zealand - if you count them - earned an historic draw with Slovakia). And Wednesday's beginning of the second round had to be the "Empire Strikes Back," as Uruguay and Argentina (4 FIFA World Cups between them) proved that the cream always rises to the top. The Argentines put S. Korea to the sword, tango-ing them into submission 4-1.

"Lioneeeelllll..... Use the Force Lioneelllllll!"

This, of course, has left Englishmen terrified that Argentina coach (and UK tormentor) Diego Maradona, could lead his squad to the finals. Callers into UK sports radio's TalkSport expressed horror that the "cheat," "drugs cheat," and "despicable human being" the world knows as Maradona could find his way into the World Cup final. “It would be an outright disgrace," one caller from Middle Earth decried. All that therapy (read pints), and all those years since the handball incident (that’s 24), and their own incompetence (despite having invented the modern game, they've only won ONE World Cup - and that was in 1966), and they STILL can't get over "The Hand of God." Hey lads, you won the battle that mattered (see Falkland’s War).

In other news, I was visited in a dream last night by the Creator. He/She reminded me I've yet to post a blog without mentioning Diego and cajoled: “Blogger, blog thyself!"

Since I can't seem to write a single blog without mentioning Bowba Maradonna, I'll go right back to the well with an episode of "Return of the Basehead!" Some bored journalists baited the Argentine manager telling him that Pele (whom he hates because Pele IS the best player of all time) and UEFA President and former French national Michel Platini criticised his management of the team. Dark side apprentice Platini, affraid that Maradona will direct his daily dose of coke-hangover inpsired drivel, sent Maradona a letter explaining that he'd not criticized him. Maradonna's response: "I want to send my apologies through you (reporters) to Mr. Platini, but not Pele."

Elsewhere, the Raymond Domenech-led French, err players (not team) stunk up the joint Thursday. Jar Jar Domenech showed once again that he can muck up anything he lays eyes on. Ohhhh, the dark side. The French lost 2-0 to Mexico and are all but eliminated. Meesuh think yousa, needsa newsa coacha.

And speaking of the dark side, the not-so Super Eagles of Nigeria could have used any kind of force they could lay their hands on as they underminded any opportunity presented to them. After going up 1-0 to Greece, Nigerian defender Taiwo kicked out at a Greek player and was sent off. Just before halftime, they conceded a cheap goal, and then in the second missed two gilded chances to go up 2-1. Credit to the Greeks - who were European champions not so long ago in 2004.

Next up is a match with no Diego connections whatsoever! – USA’s second match Friday against Slovenia. The US has a point from its draw with England, while the Slo-whatchamacallits have 3 points from their opening win against Algeria. The US MUST win if it hopes to advance, while the Slo-Moes can sit back, defend and break on the counterattack. That said, it should be a US win.

These are the first words I've offered about Team USA, which means I need to cover some old stuff. There was amazing atmosphere all round the nation as Americans and English alike joined arms to sing Kumbayay over pints of warm (European) or tasteless (Bud, Miller, Coors) beer. The match was warm, but like our beer, a bit tasteless for me. Of course the news reports of the match in the UK and America were completely twisted. UK tabloids lambasted eerily unlucky English goalkeeper Robert Green, who muffed the hot fire unleashed by Clint Dempsey from 30 years, allowing it to slowly dribble into his own net. Perhaps he was thinking he shouldn’t have broken up with Canadian girlfriend Elizabeth Minett. Or perhaps he was cursing her for not having more for him to practice holding onto.... hmmmmmm.

American reports called it the biggest draw since Bunker Hill. All they've said is how close we were to actually beating the English. I see that hyperbole and raise it with a gigantic yaaaawwwwwwn. The truth is that England (who take on Algeria Friday) had just as many, if not more, chances to take the lead. The draw was a legit result and both nations should progress to the knockout stages.

Now, back to my secret favorite team - the North Koreans. First, we all saw the open spigot of tears pouring from N. Korean player Jong Tae-Se during his national anthem Wednesday. Again, "journalist" suggested that he was moved to represent his country on the world's biggest football stage. The Footie Professor calls that Hong Kong Fuey! It's far more likely that Jong was responding to a last minute communiqué from Dear Leader Kim Jong-Il, who encouraged him by dangling his family from a rackety crate over a pond full of ravenous laser-armed piranha-sharks - a new species engineered during down time of his new Kor-zillian biological experiments.

Then there's the enevitable defection of N. Korean players. Kim Myong-wan, An Chol-hyok, Kim Kyong-il, and Pak Sung-hyak - have all gone missing. Dear Leader reportedly pased one of them in the hotel hallway just before their evaporation. A sly fan recorded the exchange on his mobile phone...

Meanwhile, team coach Kim Jong-hun (did you know that hun means Il in Korean!) set the reporter pool straight Monday after a South Korean journalist referred to his northern neighbor as "North Korea" and not "the Democratic People's Republic of Korea."

"There's no such country named 'North Korea,' Hun / Il said. "Next question." The follow-up query about Dear Leader was cut off by a FIFA official, who reminded reporters that there's no politics in sport... unless FIFA King Sepp Blatter says so.

Speaking of King Sepp, he's swept another ticket controversy under the rug after tickets assigned to a UK television station were illegally sold, then used by a Netherlands beer company for a guerrilla marketing campaign involving orange miniskirts and a gaggle of lovely Dutch (or South African depending on who you ask) lasses promoting the beer.

I fully agree with King Sepp about his bottom line, but the World Cup needs its scantily clad "ladies" like the German theater needed Her Shrek in "Shadow of the Vampire."

After FIFA was forced to acknowledge that some 36 marketing miscreants were taken to a re-education facility in the Dagoba System, Darth Blatter was heard to say:

"Getchyo hand outta my pocket!" before unsheathing his Swiss Edition light saber and stabbing Spanish midfielder Iniesta in the groin. (How do you say "that's going to leave a mark" in Spanish?)

And speaking of the Swiss (of which King Blatter is counted), some of you may think Blatter intervention is the only way they could beat the emperious Francisco Franco possessed Spanish team. But let's not forget this is essentially the same Swiss team that went the entire group stage of the 2002 World Cup without conceding a goal, and was only booted in the knockout stages in a penalty shoot out.

In true Star Wars fashion, ESPN's Roberto Martinez (a Spaniard) was asked after Spain's loss if all hope was lost for beautiful football, and tastey Latin alcoholic drinks. His reply: "There is another..."

Next, I am happy to report that sometimes sober, but always hilariously entertaining blogger Crazy Burnley Talk, has discovered that Special 1 TV has returned! If you are not hip, S1TV was the funniest puppet footie satire that's ever graced the airways. Whether it sounds like your cup of tea or not, I'm making this a mandatory class assignment! You'll be met with a puppet of newly minted Real Madrid manager Jose Mourinho, who hosts the show bearing the name he game himself when he joined Chelsea after winning the UEFA Champions League with Portuguese minnows Porto in 2004. Watch.... and enjoy!

And now, your footie anecdote:

UK broadsheet The Independent buried this nugget in a lengthy and somewhat dreary report about how English fans should be more mild mannered like their Japanese counterparts. The article, mysteriously ends with this treasure on England Keeper Robert Green's gaff against the red white and blue: "If John Terry really cared about England, about two months ago he'd have shagged Robert Green's missus."

CLASS DISMISSED

Guess Who's Back

2010-06-14T06:57:00.000-04:00

Welcome back to Footie 101 class.

Apologies from your professor. I've found it quite difficult to maintain my drinking regime AND compose timely, witty repartee for your class lectures. Class, when there's World Cup football and alcohol involved, you'll lose every time.

That said, I start today's massive catch up lecture with outright disdain for the so-called “World Wide Leader In Sports.” ESPN, while stepping up its coverage of the World Cup, is still clearly designing its coverage without the acumen of people from football culture. When the network was broadcasting the UEFA Champions League it would regularly show the score of the second match before it had actually broadcast the game. Anyone who's watched even a little bit of footie knows this is a cardinal sin. Big ups to the Mad Frenchman Michel Platini for taking the current UEFA contract in the US away from ESPN and awarding it to Fox Soccer Channel!

Yesterday, a friend also complained to me about ESPN. He said he had been prompted by a local ESPN radio station's boast that it would be the radio home of the World Cup, but when he tuned to the station when he couldn't get to a television, NCAA baseball was on. The World Wide Leader In Sports indeed.

Worst of all for everyone is the realization that although ESPN pledged to cover the cup domestically to the same degree it’s covered in the rest of the world, ESPN's coverage is still embarrassingly short. Why, for example, is the two hour window between the second and third match of the day filled with regular Sports Center and other regular ESPN programming instead of World Cup coverage? I know for a fact that the only subject being covered in that window in the Europe, South America, Asia and Africa is World Cup commentary. ESPN has six channels to choose from to maintain constant coverage (ESPN, ESPN 2, ESPN Classic, ESPN News, ESPN Deportes and ABC). That very same aforementioned friend sought Spanish commentary during the two hour break and found ESPN Deportes covering (wait for it)... NASCAR. I'm sorry, NASCAR?!?! Where do they find these people?

Then there's (deep breath) Alexi Lalas - actual first name: Panayotis. I cannot say just how absolutely, comically inept Panayotis' so called “insights” are. The man has the pedigree, but when he opens his mouth, the most absurd nonsense comes out. He started his drivel by predicting Greece would advance in the tournament via the team's “boring brilliance.” I know he's Greek, but ESPN could have grabbed any Greek dude off the streets to make a biased prediction. Panayotis is supposed to be there to share his astute insight into the game, not to babble like Dudley Moore in Arthur. Moore: arrested for drinking and driving – and now dead. Lalas: sadly free (despite repeated drinking and talking offenses) – and still alive.

This is the man that (as general manager of the LA Galaxy) claimed the club was one of the world’s elite after signing a 32-year-old David Beckham. The club went on to finish in the bottom of its division two years in a row and has still yet to win an MLS championship. In a moment of clarity, the club owners fired Lalas. That was followed by a moment of lunacy by ESPN execs when they hired him. ESPN could have done just as well hiring Grizzly Adams.

Lastly - and more fundamentally - is the lack of halftime and post match stats on ESPN. This is standard for football coverage and yet they are sorely missing from ESPN's coverage. Last time I looked, even EA Sports includes them in its FIFA video game! But apparently it’s too much to ask the network carrying the event to do the same... I'd call them the NIKE of soccer broadcasting (outside of mainstream soccer culture looking in), but that'd be an insult to NIKE.

I will say that Americans Bob Ley and Mike Tirico have been quite sound a s the anchor of the commentary, while Ruud Gullit, Jürgen Klinsmann, Steve McManaman and Roberto Martinez have given valuable insight that's viewers need. Note: they're all European (Dutch, German, English and Spanish respectively). Martin Tyler has led the line spendidly as commentator. But when you put Lalas in the midst of that master class of experience, he stinks like Ms Piggy doing a 4-shows-a-night burlesque show off Broadway. Sesame Street would say it best: “One of these pundits doesn't fit in here. One of these pundits does not belong...” Case in point, in the build up to the US-England game, Lalas attempted to rile Englishman McManaman by suggesting he used too much hair gel. There's insightful soccer commentary for you... brought to you by the good people at ESPN.

Perhaps ESPN is orchestrating a conspiracy to undermine the growth of footie in the US. By providing lame, counterproductive, and inconsistent coverage, along with lackluster lead commentators, no first time “soccer” viewer will ever want to watch it again. It's just like the argument many domestic soccer people make about “Americanizing” the sport to appeal to the US audience, and it’s absolutely wrong. Football is a global sport with a global culture. The people in the US that enjoy it are drawn to it for the same reason people in Italy, Ghana, Australia, S. Korea and Peru are attracted to it - they want to be part of that global culture. Any change to it to suit the domestic audience is a fundamental mistake. ESPN, MLS, US Soccer: Stop chasing the people who don't get it, and better service the people that do!

Phew….. Now, I predicted a couple of matches and have gone on record on radio about the fortunes of a few teams. Unlike most other pundits and sports prognosticators who never measure whether their predictions hold water (I’m talking to you Mel Kiper Jr.), I’ll actually stand up and take my medicine. I picked Mexico 2-S. Africa 1 and Bafana Bafana pulled out a high octane draw. I then picked a 1 all draw between France and Uruguay. It was a draw, but pathetically was also goalless. Meanwhile, I picked Nigeria to advance from its group on WOL’s Sportsgroove program. The Super Eagles lost to Argentina and look hard pressed to now advance from the group… but we shall see.

Matches are already underway today, so I’ll pick tomorrows. I’m going for two massive upsets tomorrow. I like New Zealand to shock Slovakia with a 1-0 victory, while the Ivory Coast will outlast Portugal by the same 1-0 score line. Elsewhere, Brazil will re-invent “Jogo Bonito” with a 6-0 demolition of the North Koreans. This will prompt N. Korean Coach Kim Jong-Il to invade southern Brazil, re-start Joseph Mengele’s Nazi breeding experiments and genetically engineer super human cyborg Kor-zilians for World Cup 2014.

In other news, English football has agreed to the so-called “home-grown” players rule, which will limit the number of foreign players in hopes of fostering more domestic player development. The rule will require the first-team squads of each club to be limited to 25 players over the age of 21 - 10 of them must be registered in English football for at least three seasons before their 21st birthday. But there's no restriction on players under the age of 21. The Brits also decided to impose a transfer embargo on clubs that do not file their financial accounts in time.

What's the immediate effect of all this - sugar daddy clubs that have tried to buy their way to success without investing in youth development - will be scrambling to sign English players like the Village People sailor trying to score on shore leave.

BUT WAIT! In South African business meetings FIFA has decided against moving forward with its version of the rule, which would have required every club have at least 6 home grown players starting from 2012. European officials have advised FIFA that the proposal may violate EU labor laws. Meanwhile, FIFA plans to explore other eligibility rules.

In other footie news FIFA King Sepp Blatter, who has held the position since 1998, announced at the Johannesburg congress that he will be seeking another term. “I have not yet completed my mission as president of FIFA,” said the 74-year-old Swiss demigod. “My next goal is to convince ESPN to get out of the football business and into the oil spill cleanup business. Hey, they can’t be any worse than BP!”
Then there's the news that moving this year's UEFA Champions League final from the traditional Wednesday to Saturday did NOT generate higher television ratings - in Europe. European TV ratings monitors reported an 18.5 percent drop in viewers in the continent's 5 major markets (UK, Germany, France, Spain and Italy) to 36.9 million. UEFA argues that there was always going to be a drop from record viewership from the previous final between the very popular Manchester United and Barcelona. UEFA also hope the viewership will increase once fans get used to the final on the weekend. That said, I bet the ratings were better Stateside than previous years, as most of our big sporting events always take place on the weekend. WHY? Because we work like bees during the week and party like its 1999 on weekends.

And of course there's the annual Italian football game show “Which Club will be Caught,” as five Italian clubs are being investigated for tax evasion. Serie A clubs Catania, Udinese and the recently promoted Cesena, along with Serie B Ascoli and Empoli, face the harsh Italian legal system that has allowed a certain Argentine legend to owe the country nearly $40 million in unpaid taxes for decades. Yawwwwwwn... let me know when the Chianti is served.

Lastly, there’s news that Adrian Mutu must pay former club Chelsea $21 million after losing his final appeal in a five-year battle to avoid being sued for breach of contract. Mutu, you’ll remember, was banned after testing positive for cocaine after joining the Blues. In a moment of frugality, Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich decided he wanted his $21 million back. His plans for the money: stir up hostilities between ancient enemies Fraggle Nation and Black Smurfland.
Oh The Horror!

There's a lesson here for you class: Do coke and score lots of goals for Argentina and Napoli like Diego Maradona, and be worshiped as god. Do coke, don't score enough goals for Abramovich's Chelsea and be sued for your transfer fee like Mutu.

A now, your footie anecdote:

Indian businessman and teetotaler Putul Bora has kept a bottle of whisky buried in his back garden for the last 16 years waiting for his favorite football team - Germany - to win the World Cup. Bora, of the remote town of Diphu in India, gave up alcohol in 2002 but is prepared dig up the bottle that be bought in 1994 the day after Germany lost to Bulgaria in the quarter-final.

“After the Bulgaria game I got the bottle of whisky back home and buried it in our courtyard. No one knows about this, not even my wife,” Bora said. “I shall resume drinking only when Germany lifts the Cup. No one can lure me to consume alcohol before that.”

CLASS DISMISSED

It's The Most Wonderful Time In Four Years!

2010-06-09T13:58:00.000-04:00

Welcome class. It's Footie 101 - Day one, World Cup Edition.

First, many thanks to all who appreciated yesterday's World Cup poem. A special big up to FIRST FIVER The Truth, who spread the burst of creativity far and wide! Carl, your first beer's on me!

Well... we've all been waiting and today, it all kicks off. But after being wound up for weeks like a 40-year-old virgin at Carnaval in Rio, I'm strangely calm today. I'm a bit nostalgic for 2006 with all the steins of beer, giggling Frauen, and wonderful footie on display. Good times... but now its time for new memories.

And first among them comes from the proprietors of Kitty Hoynes, where I'll be watching most of the matches over the next month. Being an Irish Pub, Hoynes is offering all kinds of wonderful World Cup specials - chief among them is the "Hand Ball Shot." This will be dolled out to all in the bar each time France's opponent scores a goal. France, as you will recall, knocked Ireland out of a World Cup place by cheating to score a goal. Who says the Irish don't know how to hold a grudge? Bartender, I'll have a Bush Mills Black Bush.... pleeeeeeez!

Unfortunately for Bafana Bafana (South Africa's nickname for its team), inspirational former president Nelson Mandela will NOT appear at the opening match. A death in the family prompted Mandela to take care of family concerns. That takes a massive amount of lift out from the team's home cooking. That only leaves the rest of the country to lift them up... We shall seeeeeeee.

Speaking of seeing, ESPN – the falsely self-proclaimed “World Wide Leader In Sports” – announced in January that it would broadcast World Cup matches in 3D! But the cable providers were slow to respond in time for the tournament. If you have Time Warner, AT&T, Comcast, Dish, or DirecTV, you probably thought you wouldn’t be able to get the cup in 3D this time round and were happy with your recent (non 3D) HD flat screen purchase.

But the providers have slowly trickled out announcements that they’ve upgraded to present the matches in 3D. Comcast was out front in May, but it took another month for most of the others to step up. Over the past couple days, DirecTV, Dish Network, and AT&T announced they too will broadcast ESPN’s 3D World Cup channel. There’s still no word from Time Warner. I pity the fools who still have Time Warner cable.

So despite many of you having already bought brand new HD flat screen televisions for the tournament, pack ‘em up, return them to the stores, and exchange them for a 3D capable flat screen. Don’t forget the 3D glasses!

In other news, ambassadors in Washington and London have wagered a steak on Saturday’s World Cup match between the Septic Tanks (rhymes with Yanks) and the Limey’s (Brit sailors used to drink the juice to stave off scurvy). The bet was brokered in cables between aides to US Ambassador Louis Susman and UK Ambassador Sir Nigel Sheinwald.

"We will understand if you decline, given the outcome of the last such encounter," a US aide wrote, referring to the US defeat of England in 1950.

A UK aide said Sir Nigel took his steak like that win - "somewhat rare.”

I like the spirit of the wager, but if the best they could come up with was a steak, I now know why one empire fell and the other one is teetering like Humpty Dumpty. Why not bet that the loser has to stand in front of the embassy, and do the Humpty Dance – dressed accordingly? Yeah… I like that bet!

In other diplomatic footie news, South Africa's Jacob Zuma invited all 52 of his fellow African heads of state to the World Cup. That includes an invite to Sudan's Omar al-Bashir, who'd be arrested the moment he hit South African soil. Zuma told his parliament that he was prepared to act on the warrant issued for the Sudanese leader by the International Criminal Court for war crimes in Darfur. Boys, Boys! I'm sure there will be plenty of crimes committed on the pitch in the coming weeks for the international tribunal to consider. Meanwhile, can't we all just get along... in football?

For all you ECO-Footie Fans, nine World Cup teams will wear jersey's made from recycled plastic bottles. Among them are Brazil, the Netherlands and Portugal. Each shirt is made from eight plastic bottles. Plastic.... Jersey's... I'm all for saving the planet, but there's something about "Plastic Jersey's" that just sounds wrong.

And speaking of wrong, contrary to established wisdom, the United States has purchased more World Cup tickets than any nation outside of host country South Africa. We Yanks have purchased 132,000 golden tickets!
And now for three completely bizarre items… which is more loco?

1) England supporter Dan Taylor has decked the living room of his two-story, semi-detatched house with (wait for it.....) Turf!

2) The Portuguese team’s camouflage paintball bonding exercise, (can you say Abu Ghraib) or ... 3)the Argentine version. You be the judge…

TODAY'S MATCH PICKS:
No Mandela = No Victory: South Africa 1 - Mexico 2

They hate each other, they hate their coach, and everybody hates them. Still, France is talented enough for: Uruguay 1 - France 1

And now for your anecdote:

France defender Bacary Sagna has set a worrying tone to his imminent marriage to
his long-time girlfriend. The wedding date is set for July 17, while the World Cup final will be July 11. Sagna believes France (despite Coach Raymond Domenech) can win it.
"With the World Cup, you can never be sure of winning it and I don't even know if I would have the chance to play in another," Sagna said. "My future wife, the mother of my child, I already have. She, I see or talk to her every day. The World Cup, on the other hand..."

CLASS DISMISSED

THE NIGHT BEFORE WORLD CUP®

2010-06-09T12:17:00.000-04:00

By The Footie Professor
(With apologies to Clement Clarke Moore or Henry Livingston)

'Twas the night before World Cup, and all round the land,
No supporter was stirring, save God's famous hand;
The goal posts were placed on the pitches with care,
In hopes special goals would pierce them with flair;

Supporters planned drinking all kinds of libations,
With match parties set to rock every nation;
All managers in blazers, and players in kits,
Had set on their tactics, and how they'd match wits;

When out on the field there arose such a whistle,
I thought from the stands there'd been thrown flaming missiles;
Away to the terrace I flew like a strike,
Grabbing my scarf, and straight on my bike;

The sprinklers were moistening the new-laden pitch,
To avoid any player, or referee glitch;
When, what foremost figure jumped out through the net,
But FIFA King Blatter, in a jewel-crusted jet;

Out from his chest pocket, his cash roll popped quick,
I knew for his bookie were coming cup picks;
But first his henchmen detached any blame,
They hurried out quickly from the sparkling plane;

"Now, Warner, Grondona, Hayatou, Platini!
On Tompson, Teixeira, Ogura, Makudi!
From touchline to touchline, and all through BetFair,
When profits roll in, all in them we share!"

They scurried past circle, and past corner flag,
Once inside the stadium, they smoked on their fags;
On dressing room benches, they gathered and met,
And then on their mobiles they made their last bets;

Then in walked King Blatter, though some call him Sepp,
Reminding his henchmen: "Preserve football's rep!"
Moved and inspired, they agreed to inject,
Special kits for the players, in which they'd be decked;

Adidas, and Puma, and Umbro, and Nike,
Were hung to inspire and boost player psyches;
The commercials were awesome, as all had expected,
Kit makers are crucial - the profits connected;

But players bemoaned about the new ball,
"It moves like a punter. This we say all."
King Blatter reminded: "The cup's for the fans!
It's all entertainment, so chill out my man."

He moved to the lift, to sit on his throne,
Keepers begged for technology. Sepp let out a groan;
Now snug in his box, King Blatter did sit,
And out loud he wondered: "Will Drogba be fit?"

The turnstiles did open, and in poured the fans,
With flags, vuvuzelas, and struck up the bands;
Out came the banners extorting fair play,
And players, officials, and mascots made way;

Then up from his seat, King Blatter extolled,
"Happy South African World Cup! Now let's have some goals!"

For the Love of Deutschmarks, Sheikhs, and Stampeeeeeeeedes

2010-06-08T10:31:00.000-04:00

Please take your seats class. We have a lot of material to cover today in Footie 101!

This will be our first blog without a central theme, rather an amalgamation of many smaller, but no less significant, items.

Let’s start with the news that the German Bundesliga overtook the English Premier League as the most profitable footie league in Europe for the 2008-2009 season – the most recent where statistics are available. In raw numbers, the English league generated $134 million profit, while the German league generated $210 million. Further, the Bundesliga attracted 8,000 more fans to each match than the Premiership. And lastly, English clubs spent more on wages ($2 billion) than any other European league. Comparably, German clubs spent $986 million, Spanish clubs spent $1.2 billion, Italian clubs, $1.4 billion, and French clubs $887 million.

What does it all mean? Well, Bavarian JAM (one of The First Five blog followers) might suggest that this is the product of prudent German bookkeeping, and signals that Germany, not England, is Europe’s next super league. This coincidentally is the same man who - during late night drinking sessions at Euro 2004 - refused to allow us take taxis home from the cafes. “No Robert, we can walk it!” Know this about Lisbon… it’s an absolutely gorgeous city, but it is the hilliest place I’ve ever been in my life. And simple math states that hilly terrain, drunken pedestrians, and me with 15 minutes before I fall asleep where I stand, is a bad bottom line. Yes we walked it… and I hated JAM every step… ruin my buzz…. Hmmmph!

But here, he could potentially have a point. The English, Italian, and Spanish leagues have all benefited from lucrative television contracts and foreign sugar daddy owners, and subsequently spent massive amounts on players over the past decade. Meanwhile, Deutschland has largely kept its “Fußball” books on solid ground. The Bundesliga's rise in fortune over the Premiership is down to intelligent financial management by the Germans and idiotically reckless spending by the English. This doesn’t mean that the fall of the Premiership is etched in stone, but if you have a few million €uros laying around, you may want to consider investing in 1899 Hoffenheim, or DSC Arminia Bielefeld instead of Sheffield Wednesday, or Crystal Palace.

Speaking of heaps of cash laying around, Spain's Malaga CF (which finished just one place ahead of the relegation zone this past season) is reportedly about to be purchased by Qatari Sheikh Abdullah bin Nasser Al-Thani for $30 million. When there’s a bonfire of Middle East sugar daddies who throw money at football clubs to arrest their idle rich boredom – Mohamed Al-Fayed (Fulham FC), Sheikh Mansour bin Zayed Al Nahyan (Manchester City), Ali Al Faraj (Portsmouth) in England alone – what’s another one added to the pyre?

On a slightly related note, English clubs Chelsea and Manchester United are reported to be deeper in debt than they have publicly acknowledged. Chelsea owner (and secret baby seal soul-sucker) Roman Abramovich has apparently transferred his $1 billion loan to the club to a holding company instead of forgiving the debt, as the club previously reported. This means that the D*#@y Blues could violate UEFA’s new financial guidelines (banning the club from European competitions). But more worryingly, it suggests that if Czar Abramovich falls out of love with the club (as billionaire oligarchs are want to do), he could demand repayment on the debt when he sells. Last I checked, the club was only worth $646 million. So even if he sold Chelsea for what it’s worth, that would leave the club (ehheeeemmm) $354 million in debt. I hope those FA cups and premier league titles are worth it when the club no longer exists…

Similarly, ManU has been outed by a BBC Panorama expose' suggesting that American owner Malcolm Glazer (and sons) has placed the club $577 million deeper in debt than previously reported. That puts the club’s debt level at $1.6 billion. Last I checked, the club wa s worth $1.8 million. So even after selling, the club would be solvent. I’ve always believed that although the Glazers fully financed the purchase of the club in 2005, they are sound managers. And when they sell the club – no doubt for many times its worth, based on its unequaled global marketing profile – the club will be on very sound financial footing. And oh, by the way, the Glazers have only led the club to its most productive era: three consecutive Premiership titles (2006–07, 2007–08, 2008–09), three league cups (2005–06, 2008–09, 2009–10), two Community Shields (2007, 2008), the UEFA Champions League (2007-08), and a FIFA World Club Cup (2008). And still the United faithful cast aspersions on the Glazers. This is why Manchester United supporters are the Parisians of club football.

Non-ManU fan to his ManU fan friend: “Hey, let's watch my club play on TV!”

ManU fan: “If you insist… but it’s not United.”

Pfffff, and double Pfffff to that crap!

One more note on football finances. Fox and ESPN have won the right to broadcast Italian Serie A in the Americas through the 2011-12 season. Fox maintains its exclusive rights in the US, while ESPN remains the broadcaster in Latin America and the Caribbean. It’s all status quo, but if you are a fan of slow, defense-minded, anti-football, you still need to know where to get your brain-killing football fix. Saluto.

Now, with it nearly being the most wonderful time of the football calendar, many of you should have noticed that there was a disturbing, but minor stampede outside of a Johannesburg stadium hosting a pre-World Cup friendly between Nigeria and North Korea (3-1). A policeman was seriously injured, along with about 15 others. It was a small stadium and match organizers (in their infinite wisdom) offered free tickets to the match, outside of the stadium, just before kick off. For future reference class:

FREE TICKETS + OUTSIDE STADIUM + JUST BEFORE KICKOFF = STAMPEDE!

FIFA King Sepp Blatter had a stern warning for the South African organizers: “Don’t make me take off my belt!”

Ok, I’ve rambled on enough for today. But as we are just days away from football nirvana, I thought I’d leave you with a double treat. First this sick video courtesy of Ante (cheers my friend), and lastly, your football anecdote:

Brazilian President Lula da Silva says Argentina's policy allowing its players to have sex with their wives and girlfriends during the World Cup will undermine their chances of winning. Said Lula: "I want to see the Argentines arrive staggering and exhausted to their games."

CLASS DISMISSED

The Cheating that Cheating Created

2010-06-05T00:42:00.000-04:00

Good morning class. Footie 101 is now in session.

Our first lecture generated healthy debate and feedback – so much so that I need to acknowledge the copy editing offered by former colleagues in the daily newspaper business… They have no lives.

Next, I want to give a big up to the “First Five” followers of The Footie Professor blog: Bavarian JAM, Sports Groove (AKA Gray Matters), Tomas “The Face,” Carl “The Truth,” and Jersey James. I’d like to make special mention of James, who’s also started blogging at: http://crazyburnleytalk.blogspot.com/. I suspect we’ll be podcasting together in the near future and it promises to be most entertaining. Meanwhile, be sure to check him out and learn the origins of his blog name… crazy, just like him.

Now, onto business. I promised to explore the need for rules in the beautiful game, but even before I could get the first words out, I’ve been chastised by footie fans from America de Sud, who claim I’m imposing American Protestantism onto a sport that’s always involved cheating. Fair enough on the imperialism… but if you want to point fingers at a cheating sport, point them at baseball. From origins to modern day, the “National Pastime” has been about, involved, and celebrated cheating. In the baseball arms race, pitchers spit on, oil, and file the balls, while batters cork and grease their bludgeoning instrument. What else would you expect from a country that copied cricket from the Brits, rebranded it baseball, and then claimed they created a sport from scratch. Oh yes, baseball is Americanized cricket! And to this day, Americans love a cheater, so long as the cheater doesn’t get caught – see Jesse James, John Dillinger, and Mark McGwire.

But in football that degree of cheating – especially on the world’s stage – was a novelty. That changed in 1986 when our old friend Diego Maradona illegally used his “Hand of God” to score a goal that advanced Argentina in the World Cup. I don’t intend to beat up on Diego every blog post, but after that incident, such blatant acts of disrespect for the rules became the norm. Sure, there had been kidnappings, and ringers, and hatchet jobs before Diego, but they tended to be done on the club level and not with the world watching LIVE.

But ever since the dead-beat-dad, recovering drug addict, and raving egomaniac that is Diego punched the ball into the English net, cheating has increasingly become regularized throughout the game. Look no further than the curious case of Thierry Henry. Just last year, the French striker double dutched the ball to beat Ireland and claim the last European qualifying spot for this World Cup. Henry, who is universally known as a sportsman’s sportsman, admitted the transgression afterwards, but a true sportsman would have told the referee, or arranged for Ireland to even the score. It’s been done before! So France is in the 2010 World Cup because Henry cheated and the referees either let it happen, or weren’t empowered to correct it.

Just the other day, we learned that North Korea – making its first World Cup appearance in generations – had been caught cheating, and will actually be punished. Apparently, diminutive dictator Kim Jong-il – that’s really who’s coaching the team – tried to slide an extra striker into the squad as a third goal keeper. FIFA found out and ruled the player will only be allowed to play as a keeper. I suspect FIFA was more concerned that singer Bobby Womack was masquerading as Kim Jong-il, and stepped in to keep old R&B singers from exerting undue influence over football.

Here, the rules were allowed to work. But most often they don’t. Case-in-point, the most common rule that’s never followed is the offside’s rule. This rule, enacted to promote more open play, states if the attacking team plays the ball to a player that is behind the last defender, it’s a foul pass. But when it’s too close to call; the rule stipulates favor for the attacking player. Unfortunately, referees always call the attacking player offside. More troubling to my righteous Yankee sensibility is the outright disdain FIFA has for using any technology to affirm whether goals are actually scored. The fundamental rule of the game is whether the ball crosses the goal line. And if FIFA doesn’t do everything in its power to ensure that scored goals are goals, then what’s the point in having rules in the first place? They seem to like things the way they are simply because that’s the way they are – the worst reason to stave off the eventual tide of modernization.

Purists (read, stuck in the bronze age) will say “if we get all the calls right, there won’t be anything to talk about after the match.” What games are these troglodytes watching? Every match I’ve seen is entertaining - with the exception of any final involving the Italian national team, or an Italian club. There was even plenty to talk about after the snore fest final of 2003 between AC Milan and Juventus. Despite the anti-football on display, seven years later, I’m still talking about how mind-numbingly dreary it was! So FIFA needs to start enforcing its existing rules more thoroughly and look to strengthen all its rules through more exact tools.

Enough of that… time for a quick round-up of news. Everyone is crying in their beer about all the injuries being suffered by important players in the build-up to the World Cup. I’ll exclude Brazil from this beer crying, because the Brazilian authorities were wise enough to suspend the import tax on beer cans for the World Cup. But yesterday, two big players were ruled out of the tournament through injury, a week before it all kicks off. England captain Rio Ferdinand busted his knee in training trying to imitate previous captain John Terry’s pelvic gyrations with former teammate Wayne Bridge’s baby-momma. Meanwhile, Ivory Coast striker Didier Drogba accused a Japanese player of breaking his elbow yesterday during a friendly (2-0 Ivory Coast). This just in: Drogba has recanted his accusation, and is now admitting that he slipped on a field slick of Jheri Curl activator tossed to him from the crowd by the ghost of Michael Essien.

The laundry list of crocked players began nearly a year ago with Essien, who’s not been seen since Jose Mourinho walked him around Stamford Bridge on a leash. He was followed by former England captain David Beckam, German captain Michael Ballack, and today Nigeria's rampaging midfield rhino John Obi Mikel. All GONE! Could the anxiety get any more anxietous? Why yes…. Yes it can. With mere days before South Africa and Mexico get it on in the opening match, the USA’s much heralded striker Jozy Altidore has sprained his ankle and is “day-to-day.” Meanwhile Chilean striker Humberto Suazo, Italian midfielder Andrea Pirlo, and Brazilian goalkeeper Julio Cesar have all been knocked up and are sweating it out to make the final like Matthew Modine trying to make weight in “Vision Quest.” Not to fear class, it’s all normal. Some stars always miss the big dance through injury, but the pageantry, tension and drama remain absolutely cosmic.

In other news, the roaring train wreck that is Raymond Domenech has once again shown that one man can take a finely tuned machine and turn it into a porous accordion. Yesterday’s evidence was France being defeated 1-0 in a friendly by a China side that couldn’t have scored in “Boxing Helena.” French coach Domenech inherited a French national team that had won a World Cup (98) and European Cup (2000). Instead of fine-tuning the team, he and completely deconstructed any semblance of competitiveness it had. For the past decade this team (player-for-player) has been as good or better as any team in the world, but has massively underachieved. Skeptics will point out that France was in the 2006 World Cup final with Italy. But the reality is that the immensely talented Les Bleus could have been in every World Cup and Euro final of the past decade. And it is Domenech who repeatedly ruined their chances. Even French tennis fans know it! Mercifully, he’s agreed to step down…. but only after scuttling this year's French World Cup campaign. Sack Le Bleus!

Lastly, here’s a little tidbit that ought to put fire in belly of Jozy and the US Footiecats. Irate Liverpool FC fans burned an American flag yesterday in protest of American owners George Gillett and Tom Hicks firing marginally popular manager Rafa Benitez. Now Rafa has won the “Scousers” a UEFA Champions League and even got them back to the final in a losing effort. But he’s never won the English Premierships, and that’s really what the once dominant Liverpool faithful crave. Worse, after spending loads of cash on players for the past few years, Liverpool haven’t even qualified for next season’s Champions League. Fans often called for Rafa’s head. Well yesterday the Yank owners delivered it. And how were they thanked? Can you say US embassy in Tehran, 1980! Hmmph! Methinks the Limeys doth protest too much!

But before I start singing the national anthem and dressing like Don King, it’s time to end this class and leave you with this meaty football anecdote:

In 2006, Romanian football club UT Arad demanded a refund after having bought a player for a transfer fee of 15 kilos of pork sausages. Defender Marius Cioara retired a day later saying he could not face any more sausage related taunts at his expense. After the deal a spokesman for his new team Regal Hornia confirmed: “We gave up the team's sausage allowance for a week to secure him, but we are confident it will be worth it.” A day after the deal was leaked to the media, Cioara announced he was giving up football and had decided to flee the country. “I have decided to go to Spain where I have got a job on a farm,” he said. Making sausage, no doubt.

CLASS DISMISSED

In The Beginning, There Was Football (The Round One)…

2010-06-01T20:58:00.000-04:00

Class, welcome to Footie 101. I’m The Footie Professor and I’ll be your instructor.

Mark this day in the annals of world history, for The Footie Professor has come to save you from typical, one-dimensional, xenophobic footie commentary.

I’ve struggled with the notion of putting pen to….. uh, finger to keyboard for some time, but the steady spew of brain-killing, online commentary (I’m talking to you “World Wide Leader”) has left me little choice.

That said, I will endeavor to give you the straight scoop (as I see it), on all the footie news that's fit to print…., uh, post. As this is the global game, I aim to discuss it from the four corners of the globe.

I’m open to honest and respectful feedback… but won’t suffer ninnies. Crazy Burnley Talk and Raging Rosario Ramblings will see you placed on double secret probation. Instead let’s talk about George Weah’s political career, or the true source of Roman Abrahmovich’s wealth – killing baby dolphins and feasting on their souls. And as a football academic, it’s my responsibility to put contemporary developments into historical, economical, and political context.

So we’ll start our inaugural lecture with the actual biggest story in football at the moment – UEFA’s decision to rein in football administrators spending club funds like drunken Democrats. The new rule states that if a UEFA-recognized club spends more than it earns, the club will be disqualified from all UEFA tournaments. And despite UEFA President Michel Platini being a swarthy smurf, I have to say he’s onto something. Think not? Then you’re probably one of those fans that used to support Manchester United or Newcastle, but switched to Chelsea when Roman started buying premiership titles and FA cups (I’m talkin bout you Kasey!) How’s that Champions League bribe coming Romey Baby?

But those who support Spanish clubs (excluding Barcelona and Real Madrid) should see this as a godsend. La Liga limped to its finish this season under the constant threat of a player walk-out. Why? Because so many players through all four divisions were not being paid. You see in Spain, "Barrrrrthhhelona" and "Madddddhrid" (the two biggest) sell their television rights directly, while the others are left to collectively bargain for the scraps left over. This means that Barca and Madrid are eternally swimming in cheese while the likes of Getafe and Mallorca are left to over- and under-achieve on scraps and mined talent from Castropol (look it up). The UEFA rule won’t change the La Liga disparity, but it will keep the clubs solvent, paying their players, and around for future generations of supporters.

But for clubs like ManU, Chelsea, AC Milan and Manchester City – which have sugar daddies that burn stacks of cash just to see the sad expressions of out-of-work Midlands chimney sweeps and Como wine stompers (look it up) – they’re gonna need to get their financial houses in order. Gracious as always, UEFA is giving them till 2018 to do it. That idle rich yawnning sound you hear in surround sound is coming from the UK, Spain, and Russia simultaneously.

On the other hand, you’ve got Arsenal – financial house in order, prudent financial investments, never spends more than it makes, invests in youth development and its women’s club, and never signs a player over 30 to more than a revolving year-long contract. Granted, the club hasn’t won anything for the past five years, but it’ll be around fifty years from now. (Did I mention that the Arsenal Ladies own women’s football?) And despite the trophy drought, many other clubs cite Arsenal as the model of financial responsibility. Portsmouth, are you listening?

In other news – two weeks ago – most mainstream football media glazed over the Confederation of African Football (from here on out referred to as CAFeter) backing down from banning Togo from the next two African Cup of Nations tournaments. You see, Togo pulled out of the 2010 tournament in midstream after their bus was shot up in Angola while travelling between match venues. A team coach, spokesman and bus driver were killed. The heartless and greedy Vulcan that runs CAFeter (yeah you Issa Hayatou) decided that assassination was no excuse for the team with the African Footballer of the Year (Emmanuel Adabayor) to leave mid tournament. So Togo was banned.

In steps FIFA President Joseph “Sepp” Blatter (FYI, I have been in the presence of King Sepp and I felt like Malcolm X meeting the Honorable Elijah Mohammad. All Praise is due to the Honorable Sepp Blatter). King Sepp, who owes his continued crown to the support of Hayatou and CAFeter, surprisingly intervened, “urging” Hayatou to back down, and the ban was lifted. This probably wouldn’t have happened 6-7 years ago as King Sepp hadn’t then delivered on his promise to bring a World Cup to the Motherland. Once the promise was delivered, CAFeter backed his re-election. Ungawa…. And hotep to the first World Cup in the cradle of mother f*#king civilization.

There’s one more subject I must broach in this inaugural lecture – the once grotesquely overweight ogre still known as Diego Maradona. Unlike most non-Brazilian South Americans, I don’t consider him the greatest player of all time – but do rate him amongst the best. He is so exalted in his native Argentina that fans founded a church in Rosario dedicated to worshiping him. Despite the marvelous football he played high on coke for most of his career, I must remind you that he is most known for cheating in 1986 – yes cheating. “It was the hand of God,” my ass! You cheated Diego! Don’t smile like you were smarter than everyone in the world. No Diego, you were HIGHER than everyone in the world.

And I have to wonder – despite his very necessary gastric bypass surgery – if substantial stockpiles of residual cocaine remain in his bowels. Evidence this litany of maleficience:

May 19, 2010 – Maradona drives over a television cameraman’s leg, crushing it. Before the injured video journalist is taken to the emergency room, Maradona is heard to chastise: “What an asshole you are. How can you put your leg there where it can get run over, man?”

March 30, 2010 – Maradona is hospitalized after his own dog bites him three times in the face. HIS OWN DOG!
Jan. 10, 2010 – Maradona’s earrings are sold at auction for $30,000 to begin to pay off the $37 million he owes the Italian government in unpaid income taxes.
Nov. 15, 2009 – FIFA ban Maradona for two months "from all football related activity" and fine him $21,570 for his outburst at the media after his side qualified for the World Cup on the last day by beating Uruguay. "You can all suck my ****," he told an assembly of journalists, and then repeated the offer several times, including directly into a television camera broadcasting live.
1991 – Asked about a court decision ordering him to pay child support to his illegitimate, six-year-old Italian son, Diego Jr., Maradona says: “They can order me to pay him money, but they can never order me to love him." Sixteen years later, Maradona apologized and offered to meet the boy.

That’ll do for today’s class. Check back in a couple days when I’ll lecture about the need for actual rules to be in football. Until then, I leave you with your anecdote of the day…

In 2005, Wigan Athletic began its first ever season in England’s top division. For the first three months of the season the little club that could held doggedly at fourth in the table. If Wigan were able to hold that position through the season, it would qualify for the Champions League. So surprising was the club’s first months in the Premier League that a reporter queried Wigan manager Paul Jewell: “When do you stop thinking about relegation and start thinking about Europe?” Without missing a beat, Jewell smiled sarcastically and replied: “After about 10 pints.”

CLASS DISMISSED