It's The Most Wonderful Time In Four Years!

Welcome class. It's Footie 101 - Day one, World Cup Edition.


First, many thanks to all who appreciated yesterday's World Cup poem. A special big up to FIRST FIVER The Truth, who spread the burst of creativity far and wide! Carl, your first beer's on me!


Well... we've all been waiting and today, it all kicks off. But after being wound up for weeks like a 40-year-old virgin at Carnaval in Rio, I'm strangely calm today. I'm a bit nostalgic for 2006 with all the steins of beer, giggling Frauen, and wonderful footie on display. Good times... but now its time for new memories.


And first among them comes from the proprietors of Kitty Hoynes, where I'll be watching most of the matches over the next month. Being an Irish Pub, Hoynes is offering all kinds of wonderful World Cup specials - chief among them is the "Hand Ball Shot." This will be dolled out to all in the bar each time France's opponent scores a goal. France, as you will recall, knocked Ireland out of a World Cup place by cheating to score a goal. Who says the Irish don't know how to hold a grudge? Bartender, I'll have a Bush Mills Black Bush.... pleeeeeeez!


Unfortunately for Bafana Bafana (South Africa's nickname for its team), inspirational former president Nelson Mandela will NOT appear at the opening match. A death in the family prompted Mandela to take care of family concerns. That takes a massive amount of lift out from the team's home cooking. That only leaves the rest of the country to lift them up... We shall seeeeeeee.


Speaking of seeing, ESPN – the falsely self-proclaimed “World Wide Leader In Sports” – announced in January that it would broadcast World Cup matches in 3D! But the cable providers were slow to respond in time for the tournament. If you have Time Warner, AT&T, Comcast, Dish, or DirecTV, you probably thought you wouldn’t be able to get the cup in 3D this time round and were happy with your recent (non 3D) HD flat screen purchase.

But the providers have slowly trickled out announcements that they’ve upgraded to present the matches in 3D. Comcast was out front in May, but it took another month for most of the others to step up. Over the past couple days, DirecTV, Dish Network, and AT&T announced they too will broadcast ESPN’s 3D World Cup channel. There’s still no word from Time Warner. I pity the fools who still have Time Warner cable.

So despite many of you having already bought brand new HD flat screen televisions for the tournament, pack ‘em up, return them to the stores, and exchange them for a 3D capable flat screen. Don’t forget the 3D glasses!

In other news, ambassadors in Washington and London have wagered a steak on Saturday’s World Cup match between the Septic Tanks (rhymes with Yanks) and the Limey’s (Brit sailors used to drink the juice to stave off scurvy). The bet was brokered in cables between aides to US Ambassador Louis Susman and UK Ambassador Sir Nigel Sheinwald.

"We will understand if you decline, given the outcome of the last such encounter," a US aide wrote, referring to the US defeat of England in 1950.

A UK aide said Sir Nigel took his steak like that win - "somewhat rare.”

I like the spirit of the wager, but if the best they could come up with was a steak, I now know why one empire fell and the other one is teetering like Humpty Dumpty. Why not bet that the loser has to stand in front of the embassy, and do the Humpty Dance – dressed accordingly? Yeah… I like that bet!

In other diplomatic footie news, South Africa's Jacob Zuma invited all 52 of his fellow African heads of state to the World Cup. That includes an invite to Sudan's Omar al-Bashir, who'd be arrested the moment he hit South African soil. Zuma told his parliament that he was prepared to act on the warrant issued for the Sudanese leader by the International Criminal Court for war crimes in Darfur. Boys, Boys! I'm sure there will be plenty of crimes committed on the pitch in the coming weeks for the international tribunal to consider. Meanwhile, can't we all just get along... in football?

For all you ECO-Footie Fans, nine World Cup teams will wear jersey's made from recycled plastic bottles. Among them are Brazil, the Netherlands and Portugal. Each shirt is made from eight plastic bottles. Plastic.... Jersey's... I'm all for saving the planet, but there's something about "Plastic Jersey's" that just sounds wrong.

And speaking of wrong, contrary to established wisdom, the United States has purchased more World Cup tickets than any nation outside of host country South Africa. We Yanks have purchased 132,000 golden tickets!
And now for three completely bizarre items… which is more loco?


1) England supporter Dan Taylor has decked the living room of his two-story, semi-detatched house with (wait for it.....) Turf!

2) The Portuguese team’s camouflage paintball bonding exercise, (can you say Abu Ghraib) or ... 3)the Argentine version. You be the judge…

TODAY'S MATCH PICKS:
No Mandela = No Victory: South Africa 1 - Mexico 2

They hate each other, they hate their coach, and everybody hates them. Still, France is talented enough for: Uruguay 1 - France 1

And now for your anecdote:


France defender Bacary Sagna has set a worrying tone to his imminent marriage to
his long-time girlfriend. The wedding date is set for July 17, while the World Cup final will be July 11. Sagna believes France (despite Coach Raymond Domenech) can win it.
"With the World Cup, you can never be sure of winning it and I don't even know if I would have the chance to play in another," Sagna said. "My future wife, the mother of my child, I already have. She, I see or talk to her every day. The World Cup, on the other hand..."

CLASS DISMISSED

THE NIGHT BEFORE WORLD CUP®

By The Footie Professor
(With apologies to Clement Clarke Moore or Henry Livingston)

'Twas the night before World Cup, and all round the land,
No supporter was stirring, save God's famous hand;
The goal posts were placed on the pitches with care,
In hopes special goals would pierce them with flair;

Supporters planned drinking all kinds of libations,
With match parties set to rock every nation;
All managers in blazers, and players in kits,
Had set on their tactics, and how they'd match wits;

When out on the field there arose such a whistle,
I thought from the stands there'd been thrown flaming missiles;
Away to the terrace I flew like a strike,
Grabbing my scarf, and straight on my bike;

The sprinklers were moistening the new-laden pitch,
To avoid any player, or referee glitch;
When, what foremost figure jumped out through the net,
But FIFA King Blatter, in a jewel-crusted jet;

Out from his chest pocket, his cash roll popped quick,
I knew for his bookie were coming cup picks;
But first his henchmen detached any blame,
They hurried out quickly from the sparkling plane;

"Now, Warner, Grondona, Hayatou, Platini!
On Tompson, Teixeira, Ogura, Makudi!
From touchline to touchline, and all through BetFair,
When profits roll in, all in them we share!"

They scurried past circle, and past corner flag,
Once inside the stadium, they smoked on their fags;
On dressing room benches, they gathered and met,
And then on their mobiles they made their last bets;

Then in walked King Blatter, though some call him Sepp,
Reminding his henchmen: "Preserve football's rep!"
Moved and inspired, they agreed to inject,
Special kits for the players, in which they'd be decked;

Adidas, and Puma, and Umbro, and Nike,
Were hung to inspire and boost player psyches;
The commercials were awesome, as all had expected,
Kit makers are crucial - the profits connected;

But players bemoaned about the new ball,
"It moves like a punter. This we say all."
King Blatter reminded: "The cup's for the fans!
It's all entertainment, so chill out my man."

He moved to the lift, to sit on his throne,
Keepers begged for technology. Sepp let out a groan;
Now snug in his box, King Blatter did sit,
And out loud he wondered: "Will Drogba be fit?"

The turnstiles did open, and in poured the fans,
With flags, vuvuzelas, and struck up the bands;
Out came the banners extorting fair play,
And players, officials, and mascots made way;

Then up from his seat, King Blatter extolled,
"Happy South African World Cup! Now let's have some goals!"

For the Love of Deutschmarks, Sheikhs, and Stampeeeeeeeedes

Please take your seats class. We have a lot of material to cover today in Footie 101!

This will be our first blog without a central theme, rather an amalgamation of many smaller, but no less significant, items.

Let’s start with the news that the German Bundesliga overtook the English Premier League as the most profitable footie league in Europe for the 2008-2009 season – the most recent where statistics are available. In raw numbers, the English league generated $134 million profit, while the German league generated $210 million. Further, the Bundesliga attracted 8,000 more fans to each match than the Premiership. And lastly, English clubs spent more on wages ($2 billion) than any other European league. Comparably, German clubs spent $986 million, Spanish clubs spent $1.2 billion, Italian clubs, $1.4 billion, and French clubs $887 million.

What does it all mean? Well, Bavarian JAM (one of The First Five blog followers) might suggest that this is the product of prudent German bookkeeping, and signals that Germany, not England, is Europe’s next super league. This coincidentally is the same man who - during late night drinking sessions at Euro 2004 - refused to allow us take taxis home from the cafes. “No Robert, we can walk it!” Know this about Lisbon… it’s an absolutely gorgeous city, but it is the hilliest place I’ve ever been in my life. And simple math states that hilly terrain, drunken pedestrians, and me with 15 minutes before I fall asleep where I stand, is a bad bottom line. Yes we walked it… and I hated JAM every step… ruin my buzz…. Hmmmph!

But here, he could potentially have a point. The English, Italian, and Spanish leagues have all benefited from lucrative television contracts and foreign sugar daddy owners, and subsequently spent massive amounts on players over the past decade. Meanwhile, Deutschland has largely kept its “Fußball” books on solid ground. The Bundesliga's rise in fortune over the Premiership is down to intelligent financial management by the Germans and idiotically reckless spending by the English. This doesn’t mean that the fall of the Premiership is etched in stone, but if you have a few million €uros laying around, you may want to consider investing in 1899 Hoffenheim, or DSC Arminia Bielefeld instead of Sheffield Wednesday, or Crystal Palace.

Speaking of heaps of cash laying around, Spain's Malaga CF (which finished just one place ahead of the relegation zone this past season) is reportedly about to be purchased by Qatari Sheikh Abdullah bin Nasser Al-Thani for $30 million. When there’s a bonfire of Middle East sugar daddies who throw money at football clubs to arrest their idle rich boredom – Mohamed Al-Fayed (Fulham FC), Sheikh Mansour bin Zayed Al Nahyan (Manchester City), Ali Al Faraj (Portsmouth) in England alone – what’s another one added to the pyre?

On a slightly related note, English clubs Chelsea and Manchester United are reported to be deeper in debt than they have publicly acknowledged. Chelsea owner (and secret baby seal soul-sucker) Roman Abramovich has apparently transferred his $1 billion loan to the club to a holding company instead of forgiving the debt, as the club previously reported. This means that the D*#@y Blues could violate UEFA’s new financial guidelines (banning the club from European competitions). But more worryingly, it suggests that if Czar Abramovich falls out of love with the club (as billionaire oligarchs are want to do), he could demand repayment on the debt when he sells. Last I checked, the club was only worth $646 million. So even if he sold Chelsea for what it’s worth, that would leave the club (ehheeeemmm) $354 million in debt. I hope those FA cups and premier league titles are worth it when the club no longer exists…

Similarly, ManU has been outed by a BBC Panorama expose' suggesting that American owner Malcolm Glazer (and sons) has placed the club $577 million deeper in debt than previously reported. That puts the club’s debt level at $1.6 billion. Last I checked, the club was worth $1.8 million. So even after selling, the club would be solvent. I’ve always believed that although the Glazers fully financed the purchase of the club in 2005, they are sound managers. And when they sell the club – no doubt for many times its worth, based on its unequaled global marketing profile – the club will be on very sound financial footing. And oh, by the way, the Glazers have only led the club to its most productive era: three consecutive Premiership titles (2006–07, 2007–08, 2008–09), three league cups (2005–06, 2008–09, 2009–10), two Community Shields (2007, 2008), the UEFA Champions League (2007-08), and a FIFA World Club Cup (2008). And still the United faithful cast aspersions on the Glazers. This is why Manchester United supporters are the Parisians of club football.

Non-ManU fan to his ManU fan friend: “Hey, let's watch my club play on TV!”

ManU fan: “If you insist… but it’s not United.”

Pfffff, and double Pfffff to that crap!

One more note on football finances. Fox and ESPN have won the right to broadcast Italian Serie A in the Americas through the 2011-12 season. Fox maintains its exclusive rights in the US, while ESPN remains the broadcaster in Latin America and the Caribbean. It’s all status quo, but if you are a fan of slow, defense-minded, anti-football, you still need to know where to get your brain-killing football fix. Saluto.

Now, with it nearly being the most wonderful time of the football calendar, many of you should have noticed that there was a disturbing, but minor stampede outside of a Johannesburg stadium hosting a pre-World Cup friendly between Nigeria and North Korea (3-1). A policeman was seriously injured, along with about 15 others. It was a small stadium and match organizers (in their infinite wisdom) offered free tickets to the match, outside of the stadium, just before kick off. For future reference class:

FREE TICKETS + OUTSIDE STADIUM + JUST BEFORE KICKOFF = STAMPEDE!

FIFA King Sepp Blatter had a stern warning for the South African organizers: “Don’t make me take off my belt!”

Ok, I’ve rambled on enough for today. But as we are just days away from football nirvana, I thought I’d leave you with a double treat. First this sick video courtesy of Ante (cheers my friend), and lastly, your football anecdote:

Brazilian President Lula da Silva says Argentina's policy allowing its players to have sex with their wives and girlfriends during the World Cup will undermine their chances of winning. Said Lula: "I want to see the Argentines arrive staggering and exhausted to their games."

CLASS DISMISSED

The Cheating that Cheating Created

Good morning class. Footie 101 is now in session.

Our first lecture generated healthy debate and feedback – so much so that I need to acknowledge the copy editing offered by former colleagues in the daily newspaper business… They have no lives.

Next, I want to give a big up to the “First Five” followers of The Footie Professor blog: Bavarian JAM, Sports Groove (AKA Gray Matters), Tomas “The Face,” Carl “The Truth,” and Jersey James. I’d like to make special mention of James, who’s also started blogging at: http://crazyburnleytalk.blogspot.com/. I suspect we’ll be podcasting together in the near future and it promises to be most entertaining. Meanwhile, be sure to check him out and learn the origins of his blog name… crazy, just like him.

Now, onto business. I promised to explore the need for rules in the beautiful game, but even before I could get the first words out, I’ve been chastised by footie fans from America de Sud, who claim I’m imposing American Protestantism onto a sport that’s always involved cheating. Fair enough on the imperialism… but if you want to point fingers at a cheating sport, point them at baseball. From origins to modern day, the “National Pastime” has been about, involved, and celebrated cheating. In the baseball arms race, pitchers spit on, oil, and file the balls, while batters cork and grease their bludgeoning instrument. What else would you expect from a country that copied cricket from the Brits, rebranded it baseball, and then claimed they created a sport from scratch. Oh yes, baseball is Americanized cricket! And to this day, Americans love a cheater, so long as the cheater doesn’t get caught – see Jesse James, John Dillinger, and Mark McGwire.

But in football that degree of cheating – especially on the world’s stage – was a novelty. That changed in 1986 when our old friend Diego Maradona illegally used his “Hand of God” to score a goal that advanced Argentina in the World Cup. I don’t intend to beat up on Diego every blog post, but after that incident, such blatant acts of disrespect for the rules became the norm. Sure, there had been kidnappings, and ringers, and hatchet jobs before Diego, but they tended to be done on the club level and not with the world watching LIVE.

But ever since the dead-beat-dad, recovering drug addict, and raving egomaniac that is Diego punched the ball into the English net, cheating has increasingly become regularized throughout the game. Look no further than the curious case of Thierry Henry. Just last year, the French striker double dutched the ball to beat Ireland and claim the last European qualifying spot for this World Cup. Henry, who is universally known as a sportsman’s sportsman, admitted the transgression afterwards, but a true sportsman would have told the referee, or arranged for Ireland to even the score. It’s been done before! So France is in the 2010 World Cup because Henry cheated and the referees either let it happen, or weren’t empowered to correct it.

Just the other day, we learned that North Korea – making its first World Cup appearance in generations – had been caught cheating, and will actually be punished. Apparently, diminutive dictator Kim Jong-il – that’s really who’s coaching the team – tried to slide an extra striker into the squad as a third goal keeper. FIFA found out and ruled the player will only be allowed to play as a keeper. I suspect FIFA was more concerned that singer Bobby Womack was masquerading as Kim Jong-il, and stepped in to keep old R&B singers from exerting undue influence over football.

Here, the rules were allowed to work. But most often they don’t. Case-in-point, the most common rule that’s never followed is the offside’s rule. This rule, enacted to promote more open play, states if the attacking team plays the ball to a player that is behind the last defender, it’s a foul pass. But when it’s too close to call; the rule stipulates favor for the attacking player. Unfortunately, referees always call the attacking player offside. More troubling to my righteous Yankee sensibility is the outright disdain FIFA has for using any technology to affirm whether goals are actually scored. The fundamental rule of the game is whether the ball crosses the goal line. And if FIFA doesn’t do everything in its power to ensure that scored goals are goals, then what’s the point in having rules in the first place? They seem to like things the way they are simply because that’s the way they are – the worst reason to stave off the eventual tide of modernization.

Purists (read, stuck in the bronze age) will say “if we get all the calls right, there won’t be anything to talk about after the match.” What games are these troglodytes watching? Every match I’ve seen is entertaining - with the exception of any final involving the Italian national team, or an Italian club. There was even plenty to talk about after the snore fest final of 2003 between AC Milan and Juventus. Despite the anti-football on display, seven years later, I’m still talking about how mind-numbingly dreary it was! So FIFA needs to start enforcing its existing rules more thoroughly and look to strengthen all its rules through more exact tools.

Enough of that… time for a quick round-up of news. Everyone is crying in their beer about all the injuries being suffered by important players in the build-up to the World Cup. I’ll exclude Brazil from this beer crying, because the Brazilian authorities were wise enough to suspend the import tax on beer cans for the World Cup. But yesterday, two big players were ruled out of the tournament through injury, a week before it all kicks off. England captain Rio Ferdinand busted his knee in training trying to imitate previous captain John Terry’s pelvic gyrations with former teammate Wayne Bridge’s baby-momma. Meanwhile, Ivory Coast striker Didier Drogba accused a Japanese player of breaking his elbow yesterday during a friendly (2-0 Ivory Coast). This just in: Drogba has recanted his accusation, and is now admitting that he slipped on a field slick of Jheri Curl activator tossed to him from the crowd by the ghost of Michael Essien.

The laundry list of crocked players began nearly a year ago with Essien, who’s not been seen since Jose Mourinho walked him around Stamford Bridge on a leash. He was followed by former England captain David Beckam, German captain Michael Ballack, and today Nigeria's rampaging midfield rhino John Obi Mikel. All GONE! Could the anxiety get any more anxietous? Why yes…. Yes it can. With mere days before South Africa and Mexico get it on in the opening match, the USA’s much heralded striker Jozy Altidore has sprained his ankle and is “day-to-day.” Meanwhile Chilean striker Humberto Suazo, Italian midfielder Andrea Pirlo, and Brazilian goalkeeper Julio Cesar have all been knocked up and are sweating it out to make the final like Matthew Modine trying to make weight in “Vision Quest.” Not to fear class, it’s all normal. Some stars always miss the big dance through injury, but the pageantry, tension and drama remain absolutely cosmic.

In other news, the roaring train wreck that is Raymond Domenech has once again shown that one man can take a finely tuned machine and turn it into a porous accordion. Yesterday’s evidence was France being defeated 1-0 in a friendly by a China side that couldn’t have scored in “Boxing Helena.” French coach Domenech inherited a French national team that had won a World Cup (98) and European Cup (2000). Instead of fine-tuning the team, he and completely deconstructed any semblance of competitiveness it had. For the past decade this team (player-for-player) has been as good or better as any team in the world, but has massively underachieved. Skeptics will point out that France was in the 2006 World Cup final with Italy. But the reality is that the immensely talented Les Bleus could have been in every World Cup and Euro final of the past decade. And it is Domenech who repeatedly ruined their chances. Even French tennis fans know it! Mercifully, he’s agreed to step down…. but only after scuttling this year's French World Cup campaign. Sack Le Bleus!

Lastly, here’s a little tidbit that ought to put fire in belly of Jozy and the US Footiecats. Irate Liverpool FC fans burned an American flag yesterday in protest of American owners George Gillett and Tom Hicks firing marginally popular manager Rafa Benitez. Now Rafa has won the “Scousers” a UEFA Champions League and even got them back to the final in a losing effort. But he’s never won the English Premierships, and that’s really what the once dominant Liverpool faithful crave. Worse, after spending loads of cash on players for the past few years, Liverpool haven’t even qualified for next season’s Champions League. Fans often called for Rafa’s head. Well yesterday the Yank owners delivered it. And how were they thanked? Can you say US embassy in Tehran, 1980! Hmmph! Methinks the Limeys doth protest too much!

But before I start singing the national anthem and dressing like Don King, it’s time to end this class and leave you with this meaty football anecdote:

In 2006, Romanian football club UT Arad demanded a refund after having bought a player for a transfer fee of 15 kilos of pork sausages. Defender Marius Cioara retired a day later saying he could not face any more sausage related taunts at his expense. After the deal a spokesman for his new team Regal Hornia confirmed: “We gave up the team's sausage allowance for a week to secure him, but we are confident it will be worth it.” A day after the deal was leaked to the media, Cioara announced he was giving up football and had decided to flee the country. “I have decided to go to Spain where I have got a job on a farm,” he said. Making sausage, no doubt.

CLASS DISMISSED

In The Beginning, There Was Football (The Round One)…

Class, welcome to Footie 101. I’m The Footie Professor and I’ll be your instructor.

Mark this day in the annals of world history, for The Footie Professor has come to save you from typical, one-dimensional, xenophobic footie commentary.

I’ve struggled with the notion of putting pen to….. uh, finger to keyboard for some time, but the steady spew of brain-killing, online commentary (I’m talking to you “World Wide Leader”) has left me little choice.

That said, I will endeavor to give you the straight scoop (as I see it), on all the footie news that's fit to print…., uh, post. As this is the global game, I aim to discuss it from the four corners of the globe.

I’m open to honest and respectful feedback… but won’t suffer ninnies. Crazy Burnley Talk and Raging Rosario Ramblings will see you placed on double secret probation. Instead let’s talk about George Weah’s political career, or the true source of Roman Abrahmovich’s wealth – killing baby dolphins and feasting on their souls. And as a football academic, it’s my responsibility to put contemporary developments into historical, economical, and political context.

So we’ll start our inaugural lecture with the actual biggest story in football at the moment – UEFA’s decision to rein in football administrators spending club funds like drunken Democrats. The new rule states that if a UEFA-recognized club spends more than it earns, the club will be disqualified from all UEFA tournaments. And despite UEFA President Michel Platini being a swarthy smurf, I have to say he’s onto something. Think not? Then you’re probably one of those fans that used to support Manchester United or Newcastle, but switched to Chelsea when Roman started buying premiership titles and FA cups (I’m talkin bout you Kasey!) How’s that Champions League bribe coming Romey Baby?

But those who support Spanish clubs (excluding Barcelona and Real Madrid) should see this as a godsend. La Liga limped to its finish this season under the constant threat of a player walk-out. Why? Because so many players through all four divisions were not being paid. You see in Spain, "Barrrrrthhhelona" and "Madddddhrid" (the two biggest) sell their television rights directly, while the others are left to collectively bargain for the scraps left over. This means that Barca and Madrid are eternally swimming in cheese while the likes of Getafe and Mallorca are left to over- and under-achieve on scraps and mined talent from Castropol (look it up). The UEFA rule won’t change the La Liga disparity, but it will keep the clubs solvent, paying their players, and around for future generations of supporters.

But for clubs like ManU, Chelsea, AC Milan and Manchester City – which have sugar daddies that burn stacks of cash just to see the sad expressions of out-of-work Midlands chimney sweeps and Como wine stompers (look it up) – they’re gonna need to get their financial houses in order. Gracious as always, UEFA is giving them till 2018 to do it. That idle rich yawnning sound you hear in surround sound is coming from the UK, Spain, and Russia simultaneously.

On the other hand, you’ve got Arsenal – financial house in order, prudent financial investments, never spends more than it makes, invests in youth development and its women’s club, and never signs a player over 30 to more than a revolving year-long contract. Granted, the club hasn’t won anything for the past five years, but it’ll be around fifty years from now. (Did I mention that the Arsenal Ladies own women’s football?) And despite the trophy drought, many other clubs cite Arsenal as the model of financial responsibility. Portsmouth, are you listening?

In other news – two weeks ago – most mainstream football media glazed over the Confederation of African Football (from here on out referred to as CAFeter) backing down from banning Togo from the next two African Cup of Nations tournaments. You see, Togo pulled out of the 2010 tournament in midstream after their bus was shot up in Angola while travelling between match venues. A team coach, spokesman and bus driver were killed. The heartless and greedy Vulcan that runs CAFeter (yeah you Issa Hayatou) decided that assassination was no excuse for the team with the African Footballer of the Year (Emmanuel Adabayor) to leave mid tournament. So Togo was banned.

In steps FIFA President Joseph “Sepp” Blatter (FYI, I have been in the presence of King Sepp and I felt like Malcolm X meeting the Honorable Elijah Mohammad. All Praise is due to the Honorable Sepp Blatter). King Sepp, who owes his continued crown to the support of Hayatou and CAFeter, surprisingly intervened, “urging” Hayatou to back down, and the ban was lifted. This probably wouldn’t have happened 6-7 years ago as King Sepp hadn’t then delivered on his promise to bring a World Cup to the Motherland. Once the promise was delivered, CAFeter backed his re-election. Ungawa…. And hotep to the first World Cup in the cradle of mother f*#king civilization.

There’s one more subject I must broach in this inaugural lecture – the once grotesquely overweight ogre still known as Diego Maradona. Unlike most non-Brazilian South Americans, I don’t consider him the greatest player of all time – but do rate him amongst the best. He is so exalted in his native Argentina that fans founded a church in Rosario dedicated to worshiping him. Despite the marvelous football he played high on coke for most of his career, I must remind you that he is most known for cheating in 1986 – yes cheating. “It was the hand of God,” my ass! You cheated Diego! Don’t smile like you were smarter than everyone in the world. No Diego, you were HIGHER than everyone in the world.

And I have to wonder – despite his very necessary gastric bypass surgery – if substantial stockpiles of residual cocaine remain in his bowels. Evidence this litany of maleficience:

• May 19, 2010 – Maradona drives over a television cameraman’s leg, crushing it. Before the injured video journalist is taken to the emergency room, Maradona is heard to chastise: “What an asshole you are. How can you put your leg there where it can get run over, man?”

• March 30, 2010 – Maradona is hospitalized after his own dog bites him three times in the face. HIS OWN DOG!
• Jan. 10, 2010 – Maradona’s earrings are sold at auction for $30,000 to begin to pay off the $37 million he owes the Italian government in unpaid income taxes.
• Nov. 15, 2009 – FIFA ban Maradona for two months "from all football related activity" and fine him $21,570 for his outburst at the media after his side qualified for the World Cup on the last day by beating Uruguay. "You can all suck my ****," he told an assembly of journalists, and then repeated the offer several times, including directly into a television camera broadcasting live.
• 1991 – Asked about a court decision ordering him to pay child support to his illegitimate, six-year-old Italian son, Diego Jr., Maradona says: “They can order me to pay him money, but they can never order me to love him." Sixteen years later, Maradona apologized and offered to meet the boy.

That’ll do for today’s class. Check back in a couple days when I’ll lecture about the need for actual rules to be in football. Until then, I leave you with your anecdote of the day…


In 2005, Wigan Athletic began its first ever season in England’s top division. For the first three months of the season the little club that could held doggedly at fourth in the table. If Wigan were able to hold that position through the season, it would qualify for the Champions League. So surprising was the club’s first months in the Premier League that a reporter queried Wigan manager Paul Jewell: “When do you stop thinking about relegation and start thinking about Europe?” Without missing a beat, Jewell smiled sarcastically and replied: “After about 10 pints.”

CLASS DISMISSED