There's Gold on Them There Pitches

NOTE: This was written in July 2012 just before the Summer Olympics, but I was delayed from posting. The references are dated, but the info is Footielicious!

Eyes front class, and pay close attention. The school bell tolls for Footie 101.

It's a fidgety time for the Beautiful Game, with the Euros fully Euroff'd, the regular footie season a month away, and the Olympics pert near ready to kick off.

This nebulous window provides us with the odd sensation experienced when watching Olympic football. That's football, with all the grandiose flavor of the Games, but without the calories of recognizable players, or the aftertaste of a trophy no one really cares about.

Despite this current lackluster incarnation – featuring mostly unknown players aged 22 or under plus a few over-the-hill veterans sprinkled in for good measure – Olympic football has quite the history. It's a history my good friend “Face,” an American by birth but Uruguayan by culture, is pained to see obscured.

The “Olympics don't irritate me at all,” he told me in a recent electronic communication. “What irritates me some times is that new soccer fans (may da Lord bless them) think that history started 20 years ago. If you wanna talk about NBA you need to know about Bill Russell, or about Babe Ruth if you talk about baseball. Likewise, you need to know about Uruguay if you are serious about soccer. That's all I'm sayin.”

Sage words. Self-congratulate yourself Face – but get a room first – your message has been received.

Long before Fifa was FIFA (you know, the one that conducts business with $40,000 in cash strewn onto hotel room tables, and awards its' signature international event to a blazing-hot desert nation with a population the size of Houston), the then-fledgling international sport organization allowed its' world championship to be determined at the Olympics out of necessity.

Yes class, that's right, the first two FIFA championships in 1924 and 1928 were conducted in the Olympic football tournament. And both were won by (you guessed it) Uruguay.

Add those Olympic victories to the two World Cups the tiny South American nation won in 1930 and 1950, and Uruguay has been FIFA-recognized world champion four times. That's one short of the all-time leaders Brazil, as many as Italy, and one more than Germany.

It should also be noted that Uruguay's 1950 World Cup victory took place in Brazil, against Brazil. As Bond famously said: How do you kill two hours in Rio when you don't know how to samba? Well James, in this case, you win the World Cup.

Perhaps Uruguay's greatest football achievement comes with the 20 officially recognized international titles it's racked up – more than any other nation on earth.

Now class, I'm no Uruguay partisan, but game recognizes game. More people live in Johannesburg South Africa, Ankara Turkey, or Yokohama Japan than the the entire 3.5 million Uruguay population.

And just so you know, Uruguay is current South American champion.

So when the Olympic football tournament kicks off (July 25 for the women and July 26 for the men) realize you are watching the continuation of … something wonderful.

The football's not that bad either. The African nations always put up a much more entertaining fight than in the World Cup, less-recognized nations tend to show more strongly, and at the very least you'll get to have an early peak at players that will be delighting/tormenting you, your favored nation, and favored club in just a few years.

So watch the matches, get a heads-up on some players to watch, and raise your glass to Uruguay for starting it all. Face, I take my steak medium well.

In other Beautiful Game business, defamed Middle East footie impresario Mohamad Bin Hammam has been kind-of cleared of bribing FIFA officials to select Qatar as host of the 2022 World Cup. Bin Hammam, the most recent upstart FIFA presidential candidate, had been tied to the previously mentioned hotel table cash that was miraculously delivered to FIFA executive committee members in Trinidad before they chose the WC's 2018 and 2022 hosts.

The investigation – conducted by former FBI director Louis Freeh fresh off of telling Penn State it's a poorly led institution of higher learning – was not able to conclusively link Bin Hammam to alleged bribery, so his lifelong ban from the game was lifted. But the Court of Arbitration for Sport made a point of noting it was “not making any sort of affirmative finding of innocence.”

The FP knows that when there's smoke, there's usually fire, and when there's $40 grand cash on a Triny hotel table, even a simpleton recognizes that as a bribe. But in an organization where bribes and kickbacks are the order of of the day everyday, Bin Hammam's real mistake was trying to take on FIFA King Sepp Blatter.

Though ridiculously wealthy, charming, and well-connected, Bin Hammam found himself compelled to withdraw from the FIFA presidential race the day before a Blatter-initiated FIFA ethics probe into Qatar's selection. Two months later, after the King had had enough of his impudence, FIFA banned Bin Hammam from football for life.

Game. Set. Match. All hail the King.

Those who think these latest inquiry results place the King's throne back in jeopardy, know nothing of power. Two days before Bin Hammam was cleared, a new FIFA investigation was launched. This time led by former U.S. attorney Michael J. Garciaas and German judge Hans-Joachim Eckert.

And though Bin Hammam's lifelong ban has been lifted, his official FIFA role through the Asian Football Confederation remains out of his reach after a conveniently-recent forensic audit found financial improprieties during his tenure.

King Sepp Blatter ain't nuthin to mess with.

And if you think Sepp is the ultimate power in the football universe, venture back a few decades to marvel at the skill his mentor Joao Havelange used to reign graftily over football.

Now “Joao Sidious,” more than anyone else, propelled football and Zurich-based FIFA into the modern marketing age. But the now 96-year-old Brazilian also did it while handily lining his pockets.

Recently leaked Swiss court documents (from yet another investigation of FIFA) found Havelange and son-in-law Ricardo Teixeira – the defrocked Brazilian football czar – accepted kickbacks from the company Havelange selected to market the WC in the 1990s.

Blatter, who was Havelange's protege and chief lieutenant at the time, acknowledged knowing about the payments after the documents were leaked, but in true pimp fashion, brushed off the corruption claim by asserting that such payments were legal in Switzerland at the time.

He's since positioned himself more sturdily by saying his former liege should be stripped of his honorary FIFA presidency.

In the wake of this latest dust-up, German Football chief Reinhard Rauball has added himself to the King's enemies list by making the mistake of calling for Sepp's resignation. By now, you should know how that story will end.

Questioned by a reporter on Rauball's demand, Sepp took it in stride – perhaps even motioning to an underling to put Rauball's name in his book. Calm as ever, The King suggested he could run for a fourth term, and replied: “Let's see how my health is. I've just been for a checkup and I lost four kilograms (eight pounds).”

And Havelange, the ancient footie demi-god's name graces a stadium set to feature prominently at the Rio 2014 Summer Olympics. Given the recent disclosures of impropriety, some local crusaders want the name changed. But if the old master has any of juju his protege flaunts on a regular basis, the name will only be changed to feature the letters “Havelange” in golden lights.

And now, your footie anecdote:

Fellow Brazilian and eternally buck-toothed footballer Ronaldinho has gotten himself into hot... cola after appearing at a news conference drinking a Pepsi. Unfortunately for the once-great Brasilero turned laissez faire football leach, he was a signed endorser of Coca-Cola.

Now a man who's played for some of the biggest clubs in Europe, and featured in Champions League finals and World Cup finals, should understand marketing and endorsement contracts – especially the ones that fatten his pockets.

But if he hadn't appreciated the power of cola scorned before, he will now, and will grovel at the knowledge that it is the power of the libation lord that made things go bump in the night when he was just a wee Brazilian guttersnipe – or whatever the equivalent would be.

What's bumping now is pocket change rattling in the giant sucking sound his bank account is making. It'll now be deprived of $750,000-a-year Coke was paying him. And for this, The FP bestows Ronaldinho with my least-cherished accolade: What A Dope.

Class Dismissed.

The FIFA Revolution Will Not Be Televised... Unless Of Course You've Got a $40,000 Bribe

It’s time to dust off your top coat and tails class. Not for an elegant ball at FIFA House, or an elaborate royal wedding with a runaway horse.... no. You're putting on the ritz for Footie 101.

I've heard the grumbling...

For months, The FP has left you waiting with baited breath for even the slightest inkling of insight into the goings on of the beautiful game.

To be fair, I’ve been watching, thinking, choosing the time to speak. And now is that time.

Much has happened in the six months since FIFA chose Russia and Qatar to host the 2018 and 2022 World Cups respectively. I’m still having a hard time typing those words, but few of the subsequent events have been important enough to make The FP break my silence – until the past week.

So much has happened that Sports Illustrated is biting my last post (from six months ago) and footie’s top sponsors (adidas, Coke and Visa) are publicly scolding FIFA.

Sure, the European domestic footie season climaxed in dramatic fashion, Italian Don Senore Silvio Berlusconi was charged with having sex with a 17-year-old Moroccan prostitute at his “Bunga Bunga” sex parties, and FC Barthhhelona galloped over Manchester United to be crowned European club champions.

But unlike the involuntary sneazing fits I've suffered from the dust unsettled in my spring cleaning, all of the season's travails pale in comparison to the dust-up and power move we all witnessed in the days leading up to FIFA King Sepp Blatter being ceremoniously coronated Wednesday for a fourth term. In the previous week he’d:

·         Admitted being offered a bribe, making himself more vulnerable than any time in his reign;

·         Side-stepped two ethics probes;

·         Redirected that same scrutiny toward his sole rival for the FIFA crown (forcing his adversary to withdraw from the race);

·         Walked off the stage of a news conference hastily-called to address the ethical “crisis” within FIFA;

·         Told the impudent English Football Association to piss off;

·         And then… THEN, was re-elected without opposition.

And on the seventh day, he rested.

Who’s bad…?

Now class, many serious and thoughtful people dedicate their lives to the study of politics, but rarely will you find a more demonstrative example of the art of power wielding than King Sepp's actions in the past week.

Call him a slightly senile, misogynistic, probably corrupt, power-hungry Swiss chameleon if you like, but The King knows how to run s@#t.

Next time you're caught in something, or confronted about an obvious problem you're responsible for, do what King Sepp did.

Asked about the crisis in FIFA, The King replied: "Crisis, what is a crisis?" Substitute your issue for "crisis," lather, rinse, repeat, and you're off the hook like a River Monster.

The FP suspects this mid-week melodrama was King Sepp's latest ruse to make us all forget about that goal line technology he promised months ago.

Lost in the mire of last week is how The King threw one of his most trusted allies (CONCACAF President Jack Warner) under the bus as part of his power move. Warner, along with Asian football head Mohammed Bin Hammam, have both been suspended indefinitely from FIFA, prompting Warner to declare in an angry Caribbean accent:“Blatter must be stopped.” And on election day, Bin Hammam was even barred entry into the FIFA compound.

The day after Warner made Blatter his personal public enemy #1, he flip-flopped and urged CONCACAF's member nations to unanimously support Blatter in the election. Jack knows where is roti is buttered.

But the the instability is deep in CONCACAF, where it’s General Secretary (and girthy Jedi Knight) American Chuck Blazer, was the source of information implicating Warner and Bin Hammam for separately offering $40,000 vote bribes. As a result, Warner’s temporary CONCACAF replacement Lislie Austin unsuccessfully attempted to fire Blazer. A word of advice to Mr. Austin - the Jedi Mind Trick only works on the weak-minded.

Meanwhile, Warner (seen below and to the right of Obi Wan Buffet) is promising to present damning emails from The King tomorrow. Stay tuned, this CONCACAF/FIFA cannibalism is far from over. Oh, did I mention that CONCACAF’s premier bi-annual tournament – the Gold Cup – also kicks off tomorrow? And somehow, we all know it can't be any better than the FIFA family show we all just saw.

Potentially more earth-shattering than CONCACAF feeding on itself, or Blatter's repeated ability to make FIFA delegates look cheaper than 5 minutes with a $20 hooker, are the increasingly public declarations from promienet FIFA officials that they suspect Qatar bribed its way into hosting the 2022 WC.

Consequently, a thorough and independent investigation into the Qatari selection is imminent. How thorough and independent can a FIFA investigation be you say? How about hiring Louis Freeh - the former head of the FBI! That independent enough for you?

But Freeh may soon realize that jewel of wisdom shared by Da Mayor in "Do The Right Thing."

Those that'll tell, don't know. And those that know, won't tell.

On the surface, a serious investigation sounds promising for football at-large and the USA in particular. A reputable firm has finally been hired to once-and-for-all root out the bribers and bribees from FIFA.

And if, as suspected, Bin Hammam and Qatar are found to have improperly paid for the votes that won the desert nation the WC, it is widely speculated that the United States – Qatar’s runner-up to host the 2022 WC – will be the 2022 host by default.

Anybody remember 1984's Miss America by default, Suzette Charles?

Now, regular readers of The FP will know I’ve been an unabashed advocate of the US hosting the WC. I have my reasons, most of them selfish, but all legitimate. However, given that Qatar has been selected – no matter how corrupt the process – I’m adamant that taking the WC from Qatar and handing it to the US will have dire international repercussions.

You’ll remember me blogging that The King rose to power and maintains his power through a coalition of nations of color – specifically Asia and Africa, where he promised and delivered WCs in 2002 and 2010. He’s subsequently shepherded a WC to South America – Brazil 2014 – further placating his core power base.

Among all the media-stoked bewilderment at Russia and Qatar’s selections, is the continuing motif that King Sepp is doling out WCs to the emerging world, and Russia and the Middle East are two of the last major players waiting for their turn with the sporting lady known as FIFA – China's still waiting its turn.

Although I genuinely believe King Sepp did not want the WC going to Qatar – Russia is open to debate – he more than anyone knows it is better to let sleeping jackals lie. As I’ve said before, you can’t knowingly enter into a corrupt bidding process and, upon losing because you were out-bribed – protest the result based on its corruption.

Further, Qatar's selection to host world sport’s premier showcase has been a clear source of pride for the Arab and Muslim worlds. Can you imagine the negative sentiment in the Arab world directed States-side if that pride were stripped away and handed to the nation with the biggest anti-Muslim reputation on the globe?!

As I see it, it'd be justice, but justice that would come at far too heavy a price.

For that reason, I say leave the WC in Qatar, or give it to someone else, but not the United States.
Didn't see that one coming, did ya!

In other news:

• The annual Italian Serie A match fixing scandal is upon us;
• Blog favorite Diegooooooooo Maradona has called FIFA execs "dinosaurs;"
• England/ManU striker Wayne Rooney wants to get that fresh new Donald Trump doo;
• Old Argentine footballers apparently don't like Brazilian virgins;
• Greek club football is violent... and self-suspended;
• And American goalkeeper Brad Friedel is dead to me.

And now, your footie anecdote:

Last week, while the FIFA Family was at war with itself, the world lost one of the most innovative and conscientious musicians of the past 40 years. Gil Scott-Heron, who prophetically crooned “The Revolution Will Not Be Televised” in 1970, and subsequently became a cult figure across several musical genres, died May 27 at the age of 62.

Few remember or even know that Scott-Heron was the son of Gil Heron, who in 1951 became the first black player at Glasgow Celtic in Scotland. This was a massive move for a predominantly Catholic club that still balks at signing Protestant players to this day.

So in honor of father and son, I dedicate Scott-Heron’s “Home is Where the Hatred Is” to FIFA, CONCACAF, Scottish sectarianism, and the US 2022 WC bid for 2022.

CLASS DISMISSED

Joao and the Amazing Multicolored Postcolonial DreamVote

You gotta know when to hold em, fold em, walk away, and when to run class. So put your chips all in, hide that fifth ace, and keep the get-away-car running, because it’s time again for Footie 101.

First, let me offer my full and genuine congratulations to Russia (2018) and Qatar (2022) – the nation’s

which have won the honor of hosting the FIFA World Cup – in my mind, the world’s most spectacular socio-political tribal event. No matter what one believes, you can’t accept the terms of the selection process and then whine about them after losing.

I may not be in Russia in 2018, or Qatar in 2022, but I raise my glass to them both and wish them all the best. Well played sirs… well played.

I liken the WC selection process to US presidential elections, which have lacked a certain veracity and transparency throughout American history. The presidential winner invariably is whoever gets away with the dirtiest trick; and both major US political parties willingly and repeatedly play by those rules.

Think George W. was the first to strong-arm an election in 2000? Then you need to read how JFK raised the dead in Chicago and unleashed the mob on poor W. Virginia union workers to get into the White House in 1960. And these tactics go all the way back to the Founding Fathers.

Now I want it clear for all to read; The FP was deeply disturbed last week when Qatar was selected. This had as much to do with my own future prospects as my own belief that Qatar was not the best place to host the tournament; but “best” by my own selfish and colonial perspective.

You see class; the world is not the Western-controlled empire most of us grew up in. In fact, the postcolonial / post Cold War global power shift to Asia, Russia and the Middle East has already taken place – we just continue to live the deluded lives of the imperialist fixated on a vanishing Super Power mirage. It’s a subject I often engage thoughtful friends with, and even taught when I was actually a university professor.

The wealth created and stockpiled by Western Europe and the United States already resides in Asia and the Middle East – with Russia a late arrival to the party. This took place over the past two generations in which oil and technology became the commodities that turned the wheels of the global industrial and informational economies. You see our oil addiction – to run the automobiles, aircraft and ships that facilitate the global economy – has always been predominantly serviced by the opulent fuel reserves in the Middle East and former Soviet Union.

Further, the massive military spending to “win” the Cold War and negotiate its treacherous weapons-of-mass-destruction littered aftermath needed to be financed by someone. Not sure who loaned all that loot to build-up a conventional US military that now fights unconventional wars?

I often say that if China showed up in the States tomorrow and asked for its money back, the best the US could do is offer California as a modest down payment. Cali, by the way, is the wealthiest state in the country and boasts a larger Gross Domestic Product than all but eight nations of the world.

Now bring all that politics back to sport. It’s a documented, but often overlooked, fact that international sport organizations (such as FIFA) act on social and human issues long before conventional international organizations (such as United Nations) even recognize them. Some might say sport groups actually lead the UN and NATO.

For example, it was international table tennis in 1956, the IOC in 1964, international track and field in 1966, and International cricket in 1970 that first boycotted South Africa’s brutal system of racial segregation called Apartheid. The UN followed in (drum roll please)…. 1985.


These early sport boycotts, many argue, were reflections of the growing deconstruction of colonized lands (made up largely of “non-whites”) and the international empowerment of those “non-whites” in largely “white-led” international organizations. During the colonial period Europe (generally considered “white”) conquered lands in Asia, Africa, the Americas, and the Middle East. The wealth of these lands filled the coffers of successive empires in Portugal (1400s-1700s), Spain (1500s-1899), France (1500s-1958), the Netherlands (1500s-1975), and England (late 1400s-1999).

The Western world we live in today was funded by the wealth earned (some say stolen) by conquering and exploiting those lands. But by the post WWII 1950s, many of these nations demanded the freedom the Allies (including the colonies) had fought the Axis to maintain. Consequently, a succession of African, Asian, Middle Eastern and Latin American nations fought for and gained their independence. Often first leading the call internationally were international sport organizations.

With that newfound independence came representation in the international community; and while most multinational groups incorporated these “non-white” nations into their democratically-run predominantly "white"organizations, the most powerful – like the UN, NATO, the IOC and FIFA – devised executive structures that kept ultimate control in the hands of the former colonizers.

This was also largely true in the international sport community until 1974 when cagey (and conventionally “white”) Brazilian Joao Havelange wrestled control of FIFA out of the hands of its English head at the time Sir Stanley Rous. Though Joao Sidious is considered proxy European, his palace coup meant that a continent of people mixed mostly with Native, European and African blood would run FIFA from then on. Joao’s protégé and successor – current FIFA King Sepp Blatter (though Swiss) – inherited power and maintains it through a coalition of postcolonial nations in the FIFA executive committee.

The King came to power (with his mentor’s help) by wooing the postcolonial votes; maintained that power (after an early corruption scandal) by promising and delivering a world cup to postcolonial Africa; and currently reigns supreme by adjusting his coalition to feature fuel-rich former European colony Qatar and fuel-rich post-Soviet Russia.

It’s worth noting that while Western Europe struggled with postcolonialization, the USSR was coming unraveled. It took a generation to stabilize, but the Russians who de-nationalized latent post-Soviet industry into staggering wealth (like the baby seal-soul-sucking Roman Abramovich seen celebrating his purchase at FIFA House) now sit financially firm at the global powerbroker table once occupied only by Portugal, Spain, the Netherlands, France, Britain and the US.

By the way, my money is on China (the benevolent bank of the West) to host the World Cup in 2030.

So in essence, what we saw happen at FIFA House last week was the first bold declaration by the postcolonial / post Cold War world that the West don’t run things anymore. Yes, it was done in sport, but remember, sport often drives the first nail into the house later claimed by the conventional international community.

Perhaps I'll address the African and Latin America lag, and the social construction that is "race" in a later blog.

As for the US bid, we brought a knife to a gun fight; simple as that. And that much-maligned Aussie bid? Their two-vote haul should be a learning experience to divine which way the global wind is blowing and adjust their sails. Oz football took an initial step towards this (if unwittingly) in 2006 when it left the powerless Oceana Federation and joined the Asian Football Confederation.

And all that bellyaching coming from England – the bidding nation that’s sole vote was cast from its own executive committee member – I have to say it’s a classic case of the chickens coming home to roost. If the sun hadn’t already set on the British Empire, it just did.

And now, your postcolonial/Cold War World Cup footie anecdote:

Former England international striker Gary Lineker has admitting relieving his bowels during a 1990 World Cup match with Ireland. Said Lineker: "You can see me rubbing the ground like a dog. It’s filmed ... but unless you know (what was happening) you wouldn’t know.”

Now YOU know. 

CLASS DISMISSED

ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS THE 2022 WORLD CUP

Get out your check books credit cards and spend with reckless holiday abandon class, it’s time for Footie 101.

The football world has suddenly become as strange and confusing to The FP as testimoy to the Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer. Things that were straight have become crooked, and up has become down. It can only mean one thing… football’s Darth Sidious has risen from his figurative crypt to pull the strings of the Beautiful Game once more.

Yes, the Brazilian capo dei capi Joao Havelange has returned!

The first reported sighting took place just before one of the biggest dates in world football that most schmoes know nothing about – Soccerex. It’s essentially THE world football convention and Darth Havelange – the man credited with making football a global financial juggernaut AND wrestling total control of the Beautiful Game from Europe – emerged from the crypt just before and during to say that he talked Brazilian Football Confederation president Ricardo Teixeira out of contesting the FIFA presidency next year, but has encouraged Teixeira (his son-in-law - yeah, that's right) to run in four years.

More than being a significant decree that immediately shook the footie world, the timing must be noted. It came a couple weeks before FIFA will choose the host nations for the 2018 and 2022 WCs. Given the intrigue and shenanigans taking place in the buildup to Thursday morning’s announcement, Darth’s comments must be recognized.

You see the election for FIFA president takes place in June 2011 and some of the likely challengers to FIFA King Sepp Blatter’s third term reign have already publicly backed down to avoid jeopardizing the chances of the WC bids they are actively promoting. None stands out more than Asian Football Confederation’s powerful president and FIFA executive committee member Mohamed Bin Hammam, who flirted with challenging King Sepp, but demurred to keep hope alive for the Qatari 2022 bid.

Meanwhile, others have already all but announced their intention to oust King Sepp. Most notable was South Korean Football Vice President Chung Mong-Joon, who also happens to run the Hyundai Empire. Joon has repeatedly suggested his firm (but not official) intention to defy The King in 2011. Despite his billions, I foresee a tragic end for Joon’s FIFA aspirations. Do the words “Sell Mortimer, sell!” mean anything to you…?

All but rewarded for services rendered is South African World Cup Chairman Danny Jordaan, whose uncontested ascent to S. African Football’s vice presidency took place over the weekend. Despite recent controversy over vote trading for the upcoming WC vote, Jordaan readily admits he used it to get the WC to S. Africa. Having successfully hosted the WC, Jordaan’s new post makes him eligible for a seat on the nearly all-powerful FIFA executive committee… in 2011 – the circle is now complete.

I say the executive committee is NEARLY all-powerful because as we know, The King runs this. And who made the king? That’s right, Darth Havelange.

Meanwhile, the jockeying and vote collusion is intensifying right up until Thursday’s vote. The most recent thunderbolt was a BBC investigative report that aired Monday called “FIFA’s Dirty Secrets.” It alleges that three top FIFA executive committee members have taken bribes in the past, or improperly scalped WC tickets. The allegations have even precipitated an official investigation from the bastions of above board sport operations – the International Olympic Committee.

Needless to say, the England bid organizers, who’ve known about the report for weeks, are struggling to maintain that much vaunted stiff upper lip. Odds makers have England third best likely to land the 2018 showcase behind Russia and the joint Spain-Portugal bid. But the Russkies have their own alleged problems.


Meanwhile, Qatar bid chief advocate Bin Hammam has accused various media outlets of conspiring through a “hidden war” to scuttle the desert nation’s chances. But then recent reports put Qatar as the odds on favorite for 2022.

Qatar’s chief rival for 2022 is the US-of-A. Despite dissing Qatar as an over-heated deathtrap, US bid organizers have deftly added political firepower and Hollywood paparazzi to their bid in its closing stages. Former US President (and still global pimp) Bill Clinton will deliver the bid presentation. Meanwhile, America’s current voice of god Morgan Freeman will add his calming baritone to the presentation.

The rival bid responses: Qatar added another camel to the caravan delivering its’ bid, some fresh dates, and complimentary shoe-sand removers for all visitors; Australia will insert a caveat into its new proposed law banning smoking in public places that would allow chain-smoking Europeans and Asians to suck on their cancer sticks all they want in calendar 2022; and S. Korea promised to postpone the start of a thermonuclear war with its neighbors to the north until after 2022.

And the Japanese bid response…

It’s all so tasty… so I suggest you saddle up to your television Thursday around 9:30 a.m. for the festivities. FYI, people stateside will have their choice of networks to watch for the announcement. I suggest Fox Soccer Channel, which will have a pre-announcement show on the day before and lengthy pre- and post-announcement coverage on announcement day.

Meanwhile, the World Wide Leader (in American sports)’ self-confessed new focus on the Beautiful Game is sadly inadequate for the magnitude of the announcement. Despite being the official television partner of the WC in the US, the WWL(IAS) is only carrying the live announcement. As of now, it’s not clear which WWL(IAS) channel will carry the announcement, but I put my money on ESPN2. Others believe it’ll be on the WWL(IAS) live online stream ESPN3. If that’s the case, it is yet more evidence that they have no clue what they’re doing with our sport.

UPDATE: You can watch the bid presentations (which began Wednesday) at this FIFA link!

Lastly, it’s worth noting that the long struggle in Spain to share top flight football television revenues evenly in La Liga (instead of predominantly between the two big dogs of Barcelona and Real Madrid)… continues. Readers of the blog will remember The FP mentioning that other La Liga clubs were threatening to excommunicate the big two if they did not agree to more equitable TV revenue sharing. In response, the big two offered to reduce their 40% share to 34%. How generous.

Most of La Liga has acquiesced. But six clubs are holding out for a better deal and The FP salutes them.

And now, your football anecdote.

An English club manager has decried his team as the worst in Britain after conceding 227 goals in 11 matches. Madron FC Manager Alan Davenport made the admission after a 55-0 hammering to Illogan Reserves. Said Davenport: “I know everyone is probably laughing at us… (but) we have no plans to stop.” Asked about his players continued interest despite repeated shellackings, he added: “Fair play to them for showing up.”

CLASS DISMISSED

Legends Born as Paul RIP In Paul Gascoigne's Locker

Good eeeeeeeeevening class. Bear your necks and prepare to be drained! It’s the special All Hallows Weekend edition of Footie 101!

Boo!

In keeping with the spooky prospects of the weekend, it must be noted that the week is bookended by the scariest coming together in the world of footie – the respective 70th and 50th birthdays of the two greatest footballers that ever lived - Edson Arantes do Nascimento (affectionately known to the world as Pele) and Diego Armando Maradona (the tortured genius).

Many of you have waited patiently for The FP to lecture on why I see Pele, and not Maradona, as the greatest of all time. But because of a flood of noteworthy footie info, today will not be that day. (It is worth noting that as bizarre as it sounds, Good Ole Diego has lost even more of his mind!)

Instead, I have lots of little items to bring to your attention.

First, a sad note. This week, the footie world lost one of its rising stars. Paul The Octopus lost his long fight with degenerative cartilage disease. He was 2 ½.

Next, the FIFA WC bid scandal continues to grow like a spawning plume of deadly Aussie jellyfish. It’s gotten so bad that Sony is considering withdrawing its sponsorship of the WC, and the International Olympic Committee (that the bastion of rightness and above-board operations) is offering its advice to FIFA King Sepp Blatter. Now isn’t that the pedophile calling the rapist a sex offender!

Meanwhile, more FIFA executives are continuing to stupidly get caught giving interviews telling the world just how corrupt the bidding process for the 2018 and 2022 WCs really is.The Sunday Times, the UK paper that caught two FIFC executive committee member asking for cash in exchange for their votes on Dec. 2, also taped FIFA’s former general secretary, Michel Zen-Ruffinen saying other executive committee members could be influenced by cash, another could be influenced by “ladies” and describing one as “the biggest gangster you will find on earth.” Shocking... absolutely shocking!
And then there’s the tat-a-tat between England and Russia. Apparently, the Russkies accused the Limeys of being violent drunkards (see pedophile calling rapist sex offender). But it’s all better now after the head of former Soviet footie said “Fucski! Can’t we all just drink and destroy property together?”

They should have sent deported Russian spy Ana Chapman to mediate..... now that's my kinda detente, indeed.

As for the allegations that the Spain-Portugal and Qatar bid groups have colluded to improve each other’s chances of being selected – a major no-no according to FIFA regulations, Zen-Ruffinen said: "This is not just a rumor, it is fact."

Of course, both bid groups deny the allegation.

Meanwhile, The FP thinks certain bids from certain Middle East nations are getting away with one this week, after American swimmer Fran Crippen died from exertion and high water temperature during a race in the United Arab Emirates. Now I know the bid officials from a certain Middle Eastern nation have made repeated assurances that the temperatures there will be mediated by technology, but the average hi-low in June is 106-81 and in July is 115-84… and Crippen died in OPEN WATER!

Then, there’s the Delusional Down Under Movement, which continues to… delude, as Aussie bid leaders are being praised for staying above the fray. This despite having been embroiled in its own FIFA bribery allegation, and having several teams in its top flight footie league teetering, or diving headlong into oblivion. Besides, would you really want to play the WC where Super Cross racing is venerated?

In Europe, Manchester United has moved to put the clean part of Rooneygate behind it by starting rumors that manager Sir Alex Ferguson is quietly recruiting “Barrrthelona” manager Pep Guardiola as his replacement.

Self-appointed replacement Jose Mourinho immediately announced the creation of an exploratory committee for an even better job.

And of course, with Liverpool FC being bought by Red Sox owner John W. Henry, we can expect improved results… and an increase in on-field homo-erotica.

Then there's disgraced former England striker Paul Gascoigne, who tried his best to emulate Charlie Sheen this week, but failed to bring his own porn star to the party. It's just so sad.... so sad.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, the MLS is going through an interesting growth/contraction – highlighted by the World Wide Leader in American Sports. New figures indicate that while attendance at MLS matches has increased 4 percent over the previous season, viewership on ESPN has dropped 12 percent. (Viewership on Fox Soccer Channel remains steady, but not growing).

Again, The FP calls for TWWL to either embrace the game as it is, or leave it alone. Otherwise, they’ll drive footie interest somewhere between Ishtar and Waterworld.

And now, your Mid-term elections inspired… footie anecdote. Even in Winnipeg, Canada, election campaign ads can take on frightening footie overtones. Think not? Sample this little ditty targeted at incumbent Mayor Sam Katz.

 

 

CLASS DISMISSED!