Mea Culpa Shell Game

This will have to be a brief lecture today as The Prof is travelling, so eyes front class and let’s get into Footie 101.

Hell hath frozen over… or at least we’ve been told that it will… sometime in the near, but ambiguous future. FIFA King Sepp Blatter has (thunderous heart pounding)… apologized! The King has acknowledged that the blown officiating calls in the Germany-England and Argentina-Mexico matches were unacceptable, apologized to the Brits and Mexicans for the blunders, and said goal-line technology will be explored at FIFA’s next International Football Association board meeting in July.

In Blatter’s news conference he cited the Mexican match specifically and was adamant that the only kind of technology that would be explored would be goal-line technology. Interesting…. Since the offsides call that allowed a dubious Argentina goal against Mexico to stand had absolutely nothing to do with whether the ball crossed the goal-line or not.

I suspect that ole King Sepp is pulling a shell game mea culpa. He’ll say that FIFA will not allow such things to happen again and that they will explore their options vigorously at the meeting. By then, there’ll be several other story lines that will have captured public imagination and discussion of technology (goal-line or otherwise) will fade away like the wicked witch of the west.

Now, I’d love to see the introduction of technology to better officiate the game – as would many referees – but I just don’t see the King really making a change to the position he’s held and staunchly defended for years. Let’s hope that I’m as wrong about this as my predictions of World Cup matches have been. Weeeeeeeeeeeeee!

In a mildly related story, a recent referee training session has confirmed clairvoyant statements made by The Footie Professor that “certain” World Cup referees had been banished to the Coulibaly from Mali Referee Vacation Resort and Spa – also known as N. Korea. Neither of the referees from the Argentina-Mexico or Germany-England match was present at the training session.

"They decided not to be here for personal reasons," said FIFA's head of refereeing Jose Maria Garcia-Aranda, adding: “Those personal reasons being that they’ve been assigned to the Sepp Blatter Re-Education Program. FIFA will have no further comment.”

When pressed by reporters about the absent officials, the spokesman said: “Officials!? What officials?”

The King also flexed his muscles this week, warning French President Nicolas Sarkozy to attend to breaking up underground Parisian cheese smuggling rings and leave the administration of the French Football Federation to the French Football Federation.

Said Sepp: “Definitely, I can tell you that political interference will be dealt with by FIFA. Watch me…”

You see, FIFA has a hard and fast rule that all national football associations shall not be interfered with by their governments. When that does happen (and the King decides to notice), the federation is suspended from sanctioned play for a period of time. And ever since the French stunk up the 2010 World Cup like a giant block of Limburger cheese, Sarkozy has been vocal about setting the FFF straight. He’s been in and out of the FFF so much that it thinks its Annabel Chong.

In other pimp, er, FIFA news, burglars broke into FIFA’s South African offices Sunday, stole seven replicas of the golden World Cup trophy…. and some sweaters. THIS JUST IN: Brazilian coach Dunga has been arrested and charged as the thieving bastard who defiled the FIFA offices. Asked why, the crew-cutted Carioca said: “We’ll get seven eventually, why not now!” Then, pressed on why he took the sweaters, he smiled broadly, leaned back in his jail cell and said:” Brasileiros don’t like to samba in the cold.”

Now out of a jail cell is Pavlos Joseph, the England supporter that strolled into the England team’s dressing room after their World Cup match against Algeria. Charges were dropped Tuesday after Joseph paid about $100 for an admission of guilt fine - although some say the team itself should be fined for its performances. With Joseph out of jail, the obligatory Englishman in jail slot now goes to the Sunday Mirror’s Simon Wright, who is accused of harboring Joseph.

That of course leaves the dog house, where Dutch striker Robin Van Persie spent the night after throwing a tantrum at being taken off 10 minutes before the end of the Netherlands-Slovakia match (2-1).

“I was very disappointed because I wanted to take advantage of the spaces being left at the back by the Slovaks in the final minutes,” said van Persie, an Arsenal striker who has scored just once in the four Dutch World Cup matches.

Netherlands coach Bert van Marwijk squashed the drama, but it was still shades of Netherland World Cups past, including the 1996 Euros when infighting and racial tension among the squad derailed a dream accumulation of talent.

And then there is Portuguese pretty boy Christiano Ronaldo, who should be under the jail after this reaction to losing to Spain (1-0). BTW, he did virtually nothing to stop the Spanish.

Lastly, there is this sad note. A Texas man has been charged with murder after punching his infant stepdaughter twice to quiet her during a World Cup match. Hector Castro, of McAllen, apparently broke her ribs. When he realized that he’d killed her, police say he put a screw in her mouth to suggest that she’d choked on it. This scum deserves the worst society has to offer. Just like in life, there is passion in football. That passion can be inspiring, or it can be idiotic. Then there is scum, and Hector is just that.

And now your footie anecdote:

The Footie Professor would like to welcome his first unknown follower - Ian_H. Ian marks the growth of the blog from ramblings among friends to the first step towards finding a broader audience. Cheers Ian!

CLASS DISMISSED

Sepp Say No

Class, we’ve got a mid-week break coming, so let’s settle in to cover today’s material in Footie 101.

As more and more bandwagoners have begun following the World Cup, I’ve increasingly heard complaints from my compatriots about the lack of consistent and accurate refereeing. I must say that I do and always have agreed with this sentiment. What’s the point in having a game unless you’re going to do everything in your power to follow the rules of that game? That said, I’ve repeatedly told the bandwagoners that inconsistent officiating and blown calls are a part of the culture of the game and that if you intend to follow this global sport, then you have to be part of (and accept) its culture.

I liken it to when you were a child and went to a neighboring kid’s yard to play. In that neighboring kid’s yard, playing with that neighboring kid’s ball, you played by that neighboring kid’s rules – whatever they were. If you didn’t like those rules, you left and played in some other kid’s yard, and by some other kid’s rules. And that’s essentially what our litigious and ubber-righteous American sensibilities must come to terms with. You don't see the American players or coach moaning about the poor refereeing decisions that went against them in the tournament. That’s because they are part of the culture of the game – the global culture – and accepted the situation.

Who’s moaned the most – why the English of course, who were pants by Ze Germans 4-1 Sunday. After that match, England supporters all round the world felt like they were having one of those dreams where they realized they were butt naked in the middle of a busy intersection – except it wasn’t dream. Their gripe was legitimate, however. Midfielder Frank Lampard’s shot bounced off the cross bar and nearly a yard inside the goal. Even if it had been given, Deutschland would still have embarrassed them.

These types of calls are missed all the time, but until it went against the English, they were happy to largely continue with the status quo. However when it went against them, we were met by a cacophony of “THIS IS A DISGRACE!” and “THIS MUST CHANGE NOW.” Typical that the nation that gave us the modern game sat idly by until they were wronged. Where’s the leadership lads? Don’t look for it to come from the Football Association (The FA), which is so antiquated that it still has a figurehead president always drawn from the British royal family, and three seats designated for representatives of the royal army, air force and navy!

This is also a country that, when playing the freshly minted Nazi Germany in 1938, gave the Nazi salute in the pre-match national anthem ceremony.

If you’re looking for accountability, look no further than the bookies - leave it to FIFA to allow gamblers to hold the high moral ground. The top bookmakers are paying customers who bet on Lampard scoring against Germany. One gambling house spokesman Graham Sharpe said: "Even Sepp Blatter knows Lampard scored.” Sharpe (along with two innocent interns) was immediately banished to the Phantom Zone.

There’s an old English adage in the game that bad calls even out over time. Sometimes this evening out comes right away, and sometimes it takes years. Perhaps the English should have considered the old adage in 1966 when they “scored” a goal against Ze Germans that never crossed the line. That goal galvanized the English on their way to their first and only World Cup win. It’s been a long time coming, but suddenly Karma stings, eh England? Even Thierry Henry has all but acknowledged that his “Hand of Frog” hand ball that unfairly eliminated the Irish and allowed the French into this World Cup was likely the cause of the French implosion in the group stages.

Karma aside, until key leaders in the game (and I’m talkin bout the King here), decide that this type of controversy is bad for business, nothing will change. Here’s your big lesson of the day class: FIFA King Sepp Blatter was elected largely through African, South American and Asian support (most of the nations in FIFA and the world for that matter are nations of color). And his power base is maintained by this non-European coalition. If there is an outcry from Africa, South America and Asia for him to jump, the King will respond regally, but eagerly “how high?” However, cries of outrage from Europe (allo England!) will be met with a dismissively mute smile.

And silence is all we’ll get this World Cup. ESPN had to go back to 2007 to find a statement from King Sepp on the possibility of introducing technology into refereeing the game. Little known fact – FIFA headquarters is shielded by a sound-proof force field. It’s surrounded by a moat of change-consuming, ravenous, land-walking sharks… with lasers. Any attempt to make changes to FIFA will be met by said change-consuming, ravenous, land-walking sharks… with lasers. And who controls the actions of those change-consuming, ravenous, land-walking sharks… with lasers? Why, FIFA King Sepp Blatter, of course.

Now I’ve heard countless television pundits point to King Sepp and complain that he’s unwilling to even engage in discussing the introduction of technology to better officiate the game. And I warn these pundits to watch their tongues, lest they be removed taste bud by taste bud and served as a caviar-like delicacy to those change-consuming, ravenous, land-walking sharks… with lasers.

Back to results. Mexico was also wronged Sunday in its’ 1-3 loss to the Italians who speak Spanish. Argentina’s first goal should not have been allowed as Carlos Tevez was in an offsides position when Messi passed him the ball. Mexican players surrounded the referee (Italian by coincidence of course) and pointed to the stadium big screen, where the offsides was clearly being shown. The refs nervously averted their eyes in fear of being sent to FIFA’s new Coulibaly from Mali Referee Vacation Resort and Spa – located in an uncharted region of N. Korea. FIFA has since announced that it will crack down on its policy of not allowing replays in the stadium. In keeping with its Stone Age technology philosophy, FIFA commented on the replay being shown in the stadium (calling it “a clear mistake,”) but did not comment on the bad call itself.

Argentina coach Diego Maradona (who loves being in the blog by the way), said Tevez’s goal looked “absolutely normal” to him, but offered a word of condolence to the English, who he himself cheated in 1986 with a handball goal.

There was no cheating or poor officiating to blame in the USA’s Saturday match. They were simply beaten by Ghana (2-1)… AGAIN! US Coach Bob Bradley was forced to make an early change after realizing he got his tactics all wrong. The miscalculation led to Ghana walking through the US midfield with ease and eventually powering home a breakaway goal in the fifth minute. Bradley countered by taking off his second striker and bringing in another midfielder. The adjustment brought the US back into the game, eventually winning a penalty in the 62 minutes that leveled the match. The game went into extra time, but the inconsistent US defense allowed another breakaway goal (which US Captain Carlos Bocanegra gave up on) in the 93 minute and was never able to pull another back. It was an invigorating run, but like a coin-operated peep show, it was over too soon. I promise to revisit the state of US Soccer in the weeks to come.

In other news, King Sepp has miraculously escaped bribery charges from a Swiss court. The King had been accused of getting a kickback from a now-defunct company called ISL. The alleged payoff was supposed to have secured ISL’s contract to manage the broadcast rights of all FIFA events. In a rare act of transparency, FIFA released a statement after the King was cleared: “As the investigation and the case are now definitely closed, FIFA will make no further comment…….. HA!

In more domestic litigation, YouTube has been cleared of copyright infringement in a $1 billion lawsuit brought by Viacom and the English Premier League. Basically the judge ruled that YouTube is not liable for any copyright infringement of content posted on its site. Not only do I think the judge has this right, I think, Viacom, the EPL and even FIFA have this all wrong. FIFA has been pulling clips of World Cup goals off of YouTube like a compulsive gardener surrounded by spontaneously growing weeds. For me, these are clips after the matches are over and only serve to further foster interest in the game. You can watch the clips on FIFA’s website, why not YouTube?

And now for something completely different – an MLS reference! The expansion Philadelphia Union christened their new stadium yesterday with a 3-1 come-from-behind victory over the Seattle Sounders. Cheers to the Sons of Ben (the name of the club’s supporters group), but the real point of note is the absolutely gorgeous new $122 million stadium – PPL Park, which must be called People Park just for GP! Otherwise, the crime wave and subsequent state of emergency in the surrounding community will continue.

Lastly, First Fiver, Face, will be happily gloating that my consistently wrong picks magically empowered Uruguay past the S. Koreans (2-1) Saturday. Face, you’ll be happy to know that I’m gonna pick against Uruguay again (see Wednesday picks). Even to me this seems a bit loony, as the South American teams have a staggering 6-1-4 record thus far in the tournament. The sole loss was Chile to cup favorites Spain. Meanwhile, Uruguay has conceded just one goal so far. Genious!

So here are your picks for today:

Netherlands-Slovakia (3-1): Waarom vliegen? Als je over water kunt lopen! (in the original Dutch)

Brazil-Chile (2-0): Though Brazil continue to look sluggish, Robinho’s return to the squad will be like hearing the first beat of samba in the morning

Paraguay-Japan (0-1): I drank with some Japanese Thursday. It was an omen. Kompai!

Spain-Portugal (2-1): Aided by an angry Kim Jong-Il, Spain will win the Battle of Iberia and then post Ronaldo's mobile phone number on El Twitter.


And now your footie anecdote:

Keeping up with its brethren, the All England Lawn Tennis and Croquet Club, is refusing to allow any of the 1,500 people waiting in line for tickets to Wimbledon to leave their spot in line to watch World Cup matches. Apparently Wimbledon is jealous of the World Cup and is throwing a tantrum by forbidding any footie anywhere near the manicured courts. African vuvuzelas have also been banned.


A spokesman for the All England Club said: “It’s nothing to do with being vindictive. People have a choice: they can either queue or they can watch the football.” No vindictiveness there…

CLASS DISMISSED

The End of Landy Cakes - My Slice of Humbled Pie

All rise… welcome to Footie 101: the honorable Footie Professor professing.

Class, this morning I’m reminded of a little girl in my fourth grade class named Anita. Now, Anita was a bit homely looking for my refined fourth grade taste, so when she made pre-pubescent advances towards me, I spurned her as 8-year-old boys are want to do: “Eeeeewwwwwww! Coodies!!!” With some 30+ years of living since, I’ve seen many formerly homely lasses turn into straight foxes, and I can only imagine just how fine little Anita has become.

I relay this story because you will find parallels in football. For the past decade I have been a heavy critic of USA midfielder Landon Donovan, and I still believe the criticism was sound. As a much younger player, Donovan spurred repeated opportunities to raise his game playing in Europe and repeatedly scurried back to comfy Cali with his tail between his legs. The most egregious episode for me came during a spell with Bayer Leverkusen in the German Bundesliga. The homesick surfer boy bemoaned that he“missed his girlfriend,” and back to MLS he came.

All during this time his performances for the US men’s national team continued to impress. But stateside observers questioned his mettle and dubbed him “Landy Cakes” – an epithet I’ve used for him on more than one occasion.

Never again.

After a rather anonymous 90 minutes Wednesday in the crucial group stage decider against Algeria, Donovan led a stoppage time counter attack, sliding the ball to an eager Jozy Altidore, who centered for Clint Dempsey. When Dempsey’s shot (he had something like eight on target) was hacked down and time stood still, Donovan ran straight down the middle of the box and drilled the ball into the back of the Algerian net in the 91st minute... It’s now more than 36 hours since that goal and I’m still buzzing.

Donovan has shown throughout his career that he is talented, but in the past year or so, he’s stepped up his game, shown the mental fortitude of a warrior, and (for my money) vanquished the “Landy Cakes” label for all time. Let’s not forget it was Donovan who led the US comeback when they were down 2-nil to Slovenia. So impressive are Donovan’s performances at this World Cup that Fox Soccer Channel’s “Ticket to South Africa” panelists (far superior to the Alexi Lalas drivel on the World Wide Leader) knighted him “Sir Landon Donovan,” and that’s how I’ll refer to him from now on.

Class, you can take a lesson from this. No matter how big of a donkey, wimp, or waste of oxygen you may think a player is, that player can always improve, turn around and prove you wrong. Sir Landon, I salute your True Grit.

Some absent grit from this squad has been the pre-hyped talent of Freddie Adu. Many have asked me “Where’s Freddie?” I remind you; he’s just turned 22 and has the potential to be influential in at least the next two World Cups. Chilllll Winston! If we’re lucky, Freddie will be a continuation of the Rise of US Soccer.

Next Up for the US is Ghana – the only African nation to make it to the round of 16 (Ivory Coast still has a slim chance). Now class, you know I’ve been all about African Unity at this World Cup, but the USA has a score to settle with Ghana from 2006. I was at the match and despite paying €250 for a scalped ticket with a face value of €27, sitting three rows from the very back of the stadium, and having an obstructed view; it was one of the most satisfying experiences of my life to see my nation play in a World Cup. And to have all that blighted by a highly questionable penalty awarded for a diving Ghanaian named Razak Pimpong …. Pffff! Well, come Saturday there will be consequences and repercussions!

Now, onto other class topics.

I predicted that defending champions Italy would step up and progress to the next round. In keeping with my predictions being completely wrong, the Italians were summarily run out of the tournament by Slovakia (3-2). I can’t say I’m disappointed, as the Italians are notorious for playing very unattractive anti-football. What it means, however, is that there’s one more unfancied team in the knockout phase. Could we see a Cinderella crowned champion? Sure… and the freshly minted US Wall Street reform will actually curb corporate greed.

Then there's England. Having staggered to a second place finish in the group behind Team USA, England now face its old enemy Germany and have already begun practicing penalties. Those of you who’ve been studying up will know that England-Germany is one of the most storied and entertaining rivalries in world football – especially for ze Germans. Deutschland has owned the Brits for decades now, especially if the match must be decided on penalties. The Germans have twice beaten England on penalties at major tournaments - in the 1990 World Cup and at Euro 96. The one recent exception to this Germanic domination was the 5-1 drubbing of the Huns in Munich by the Limeys in a 2001 World Cup qualifier. So meaningful was this aberration that the English continue to celebrate it to this day. England striker Michael Owen scored a hat trick in that match and hasn’t been heard from since. Faint rumors suggest he’s hold up with D-Day writing an English football sequel to “Animal House” called “The Pub.”

And speaking of England, football, and drinking, it seems uptight England manager Fabio Capello has loosened his Roman cod piece and (in response to the attempted player coup earlier in the week) is allowing the lads to have a pint or two the night before their matches. Said England midfielder Frank Lampard of Capello’s change of heart: “A lot has been made about the boredom in the hotel, but you can't come away for a month and live like a monk. You might have one or two beers – you don't have to have 10.” Riiiiiiiiight.

You see, players getting wasted before a match is as much a part of English football culture as… well, getting wasted before a match. Of course there was that brief period in the 1990s when English footballers got all holier than thou. It peaked with the famous goal celebration by Liverpool striker Robbie Fowler, who decided to be a role model for English children and show them that there were better ways to live their lives than getting drunk at the pub every day.

Apparently, Fowler’s act of selflessness fell upon dry lips because the all out English drinking culture remains strong. Don’t take my word for it. Ask the bar owners in Bloemfontein, S. Africa, where the English will take on the Germans Sunday. Bloemfontein is in a part of S. Africa that is notoriously conservative, and as a custom most bars don’t serve alcohol on Sundays. That is until they learned the English were coming! Said one Bloemfontein bartender: “Of course we’ll be serving alcohol. We’ve got the English and the Germans coming – if we were closed we’d deserve to go out of business.”

In a British-related story, the Kiwis of New Zealand are out of the tournament despite never losing. The 0-0 final group match with Paraguay left the team headed back to Auckland, but not before a New Zealand lawmaker attempted to create a public holiday to mark the achievements of the team. Hearing that the bill was rejected by the nation’s parliament within 15 seconds of its introduction, supporters at the match “rioted.” Actually, they stayed in the stadium singing praises of their side in a marvelous Kiwi stupor.

Continuing on the government angle, former US President Bill Clinton was seen plotting the overthrow of western democracy with FIFA King Sepp Blatter during the USA match. Clinton apparently enjoyed the last gasp victory so much that he cheered his voice into submission. The former president is said to have scribbled a note to Blatter detailing a remedy that would bring his voice back to life. Through diligent investigation, the Footie Professor has learned the exact language of Clinton’s note: “I need some herbal tea, some lemon, and loooooooots of brown sugar.” King Blatter is said to have responded by turning to an underling, clapping twice and shouting: “Brown Sugar for the President!” And then they both disappeared into a sinister puff of smoke.

Lastly on the political tip, French President Nicolas Sarkozy met with French striker Thierry Henry yesterday and discussed the national team’s World Cup melt down. Other than cancelling the state business of the fifth largest economy in the world to conduct the meeting, little else is known. There was, however an insightfully observant piece about the French in the Guardian. Let’s hope I’m not required to return to this bucket of “Liberté, égalité, and fraternité” again.

A couple of other quick notes. Having not mentioned Argentina coach Diego Maradona for a couple blogs, I’ve been told Diego has stepped up his buffoonery just to stay in the blog. He’s apparently said he may call new Real Madrid manager Jose Mourinho for advice in the coming days of the World Cup. Said Diego: “He seemed to me a guy to take to your bedside table and ask him each time you need something… I've got his phone number, I might call him.” Fearing what you think I’m thinking, I’m gonna leave that one alone.

Meanwhile, China – a nation not even in the tournament – has seen a massive spike in online gambling since the World Cup kicked off earlier this month. Despite gambling being illegal (except in Macau), Chinese officials busted its biggest ever gambling ring last week, arresting 70 people. There’s ingenuity for you. The Chinese people can’t have a functioning Google, but will be damned if they can’t make an internet bet on the World Cup.

Now, we’re down to the final four matches to decide which four sides join the round of 16. Here are my picks for the weekend:

TODAY:
Portugal-Brazil (1-3): Portugal gave us Brazil, but Brazil gave us Samba!

N. Korea-Ivory Coast (0-2): What the Ivory Coast needs, it won’t get.

Chile-Spain (1-3): Chile gave us a false claim to the origin of Pisco. Spain gave us flamingo!

Switzerland-Honduras (2-0): St. Bernards rescue people in the snow with a mini flask of brandy!

SATURDAY:
Uruguay-S. Korea (1-2): Much to the chagrin of a First Fiver, I’m going with the Koreans because of a girl I once knew named Y Mee – I swear! That was her name!

USA-Ghana (2-1): Revenge is sweet sayeth the Prof.

SUNDAY:
England-Germany (1-1): Drunk, high, or sober, the English never beat the Germans on penalties.

Argentina-Mexico (3-1): Messi likes tacos! And I’ll be the shoulder for Salma Hayek to cry on.


And now, your footie anecdote:
Signs of the World Cup:

CLASS DISMISSED

The Cream Always Rises

Quiet down class, you can drink and gossip on your own time. It’s my time when you’re in Footie 101!

Those of you who’ve been skating along this World Cup are at a crossroads. Now is the time to step up, or drop this class. And then there are the others among you who have all the ability to be nourished by all the Footie Professor has to offer, but have underachieved thus far. Not to worry class. The cream always rises to the top.

Let’s start with a story I thought I’d be done with today, but promises to drag on for months – like a tiny chocolate croissant pulled behind a broken down Le Car. The non-stop daytime soap opera that is Team France pouted their way to a 2-1 loss to hosts S. Africa yesterday. Bafana Bafana made the match quite watchable by pushing hard (but in vain) to get the 3 goal margin that would have seen them advance. They didn’t, but did the nation and the continent proud.

Despite losing (again) and embarrassing people with names like Claudette and Pierre, the Gauls continued to entertain – if you like sadomasochism! First French coach Jar Jar Domenech yanked six insubordinate players from the starting lineup – including captain Patrice Evra. Then linebacker Yoann Gourcuff was red carded for elbowing a S. African player going for a header. Next, the French conceded two goals, before pulling one back. And when the match ended, Jar Jar chose not to exit the pitch with dignity. Instead he took his last moment in the spotlight to confront S. African coach Carlos Alberto Parreira.

Said Parreira: “I believe it was because I had criticized his team after they qualified (when they cheated to beat Ireland to qualify for the World Cup), but I really don't remember. This is what his assistants told me.”

And then there’s Evra, who complained about being yanked for the game and subsequently promised: “France will know the truth.”

At this stage, I think “France” would be exceedingly pleased if the team plane was blown off course and disappeared over the Bermuda Triangle. Even if they did vanish, all kinds of other self-important Frenchmen have promised inquests: “everyone will go before the federal council.”

Even Jennifer Lopez is saying …

Next on my list of disdain is the extinct flightless bird once known as Super Eagle, but for the next four years should be called the Super DoDo. Nigeria…. Oh Nigeria. How you stunk up the joint, drawing 2-2 with S. Korea yesterday and exiting the tournament. Nigeria took a great 1-0 lead then conceded two cheap goals. As the match wore on, they missed chance after chance after chance. The one missed by Yakubu is painful to watch. Needless to say, Booger from “Revenge of the Nerds” would score in a nunnery full of menopaused mother superiors before him.

A quick note on Portugal’s demolition of N. Korea (7-0) Monday… these self-centered Iberian hacks were so focused on running up the score that they never even considered what that result would mean to those N. Korean players and their families (read never to be seen again). Sportsmanship… alive and well in Lisboa.

That result also requires the Ivory Coast to win by 9 goals to qualify for the next round. That will happen shortly after Argentine players stop wearing mullets and hair bands. In other words, NEVER. That leaves Algeria (v USA) and Ghana (V Germany) as the only hope that an African nation will advance to the knockout stage in the only World Cup played in Africa. Pack up your dashikis boys - right next to your Members Only jacket and pink Izod shirts. There is no joy in Joh-berg… Mighty Africa has struck out. My theory as to why: None of the African nations have worn the Puma African Unity jersey in the tournament!

Before I forget, a FIRST FIVEer has requested that I mention Uruguay in the post. Having completed that sentence, I believe that request has been met... Seriously, the South American nations are looking quite strong thus far. And despite my casual dismissal, Uruguay (yet to concede a goal at this cup) is a proud footballing nation. In fact, it is the first football super power, having won two pre World Cup world championships (1924 and 1928), then winning the first cup in 1930, and another in 1950. That’s four titles and four stars on the national team kit! Somewhere in Ecuador (don’t ask why) a man who is impossible to understand in Spanish or English is smiling.

In other news, after showing the strength of his pimp hand, England coach Fabio Capello has declared: “I’m not crazy. England can win the World Cup.” And suddenly that pimp hand has gone limp.

The Brits have to beat Slovenia today to advance. They should, but with several injuries in defense, uncertainty about midfield, an impotent strike force, and an Anglo-Saxon pox lingering since 1966, you couldn’t be blamed for expecting a France-like meltdown. Playing at the same time is USA-Algeria. Newsweek is calling Algeria “The other French team,” which only dooms them further in my book. I’m openly biased here, so I can see nothing but a US win. The Yanks usually perform well with their backs up against a wall. And when they perform, the professor professes: “Beer shall flow like water.” Coincidentally, if anyone reading the blog is an attorney, I may require bail later.

No matter the early upsets, the big teams always perform and the US can now count itself among the group of big teams that have never won the World Cup – Spain, Netherlands, and Portugal. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it three times: “The cream, my friends, always rises to the top.”

I’ve already picked today’s games, but here are picks for Thursday:

Paraguay-New Zealand (2-1): The S. Americans think the New Zealanders are the Kiwis you can eat... and eat them.

Slovakia-Italy (0-2): The cannoli cream will dive, roll dramatically on the ground, fuss with its hair, then rises theatrically to the top.

Cameroon-Netherlands (1-3): The Clockwork Orange strikes midnight on Africa's last and only hope.

Denmark-Japan (2-1): Ichiban may be #1, but the Danes do it better.

And now, your Footie anecdote:

FIFA is planning to closely watch the final round of the group stage matches for any match-fixing. Their “Early Warning System” is supposed to detect irregular betting patterns in every match. In addition, FIFA has set up a telephone hotline for players, referees or coaches to report if they are approached by a third party offering them a bribe for match-fixing or betting. Here are some calls that have already been lodged on the FIFA hotline’s voicemail:

Call #1: Silence… Followed by the sound of Italians giggling.

Call #2: Silence… Followed by the sound of Arab billionaires giggling.

Call #3: Silence… Followed by the sound of Russian gangster/oligarchs laughing hysterically.

And of course, the inevitable…

CLASS DISMISSED

Anarchy, Shenanigans, and Phase One of a Vuvuzela Sex Change

Class, we’ve had an action and controversy packed weekend in world football, so let’s dive right in on Footie 101.

With the second round of the group stages of the World Cup nearly complete, the stress is beginning to show in several squads – and none has shown itself to be more irrevocably broken than France. This collection of talented but petulant players has raised the bar for live global implosion. It’s so bad that BP executives are quietly thanking the French Football Federation (FFF) for distracting the world from its Gulf Coast disaster.

Really it all started when the FFF appointed Raymond “Jar Jar” Domenech as coach six years ago. But as far as this tournament is concerned, the tipping point occurred Thursday after France were handled by Mexico (0-2). In the locker room, Jar Jar criticized striker Nicolas (Le Sulk) Anelka. Le Sulk, who plays his club footie for Chelsea in England, didn’t like the constructive criticism and shot back: “Go f@#k yourself you son of a whore.” Rather than providing a dignified response (like, say head butting him in the chest), Jar Jar manned up… and had Le Sulk sent home on the next plane. Bold… Decisive… French.

But, but, but, wait it gets worse! The next day, French captain and Manchester United defender Patrice Evra had 'de Gaul' to disagree with a team trainer while video cameras rolled. The trainer stormed off tossing his credentials to the heavens. Several have weighed in on the running train wreck – including French President Nicolas Sarkozy – and there’ve been a string of subsequent resignations, including team director Jean-Louis Valentin. But the resignation that’s needed, that’s wanted, that has to happen, remains un-submitted. Jar Jar, whasa yousa waitin for?!?

This Just In: The French team is training today like nothing has happened. Vive le France and pass the croissants!!!

Despite bringing team discord to new heights, the French have no exclusive lock on team turmoil. England and the Ivory Coast are also divided locker rooms. After England limped to a listless 0-0 draw Friday with lowly Algeria, the players were serenaded from the stands with boos from England supporters. Striker Wayne Rooney (known for his calm, and reasoned responses, or for paying for prostitutes – I forget which…) faced a live television camera and retorted: “nice to see your own fans booing you … If that's what loyal support is … for f@#k's sake."

Later in the dressing room, England princes William and Harry determined none of the team deserved to live and, upon exiting, called in assassin Pavlos Joseph, whose team-like incompetence spared them all. Said Prince William: “Harry and I left the door open, that's why it happened. It was our fault. We take responsibility.”

By Sunday, defrocked England captain and all-around worst teammate ever John Terry decided to lead a players revolt against England coach Fabio Capello. Terry (another Chelsea bad boy) claimed in a news conference that he’d confront Capello in the next team meeting. There was one small problem… there were no players following Terry. In fact, many senior players were incensed with Terry because he’s been a destructive locker room presence since being stripped of the captain’s armband in February.

As for the Ivoirians, well, team captain Didier Drogba (YET ANOTHER Chelsea bad boy) has determined he’s not been supplied enough curl activator to effectively coat his ego-inflated cranium and has been taking it out on his teammates.

Over at camp USA, they don’t have the luxury of infighting, as they’ve got their hands full staving off the specter of low-grade refereeing. Friday, USA were down 2-0 to Slovenia, when the Yanks staged a dramatic comeback, capped by an 82nd minute set piece goal by Maurice Edu. But Mali referee Koman Coulibaly (taking charge of his first World Cup match) called a foul on an un-named US player and the goal was disallowed. The match ended in 2-2.

Despite the horrid call, the US’s fate still rests in its own hands - beat Algeria Wednesday and they advance. But the universally recognized bad call sparked a passionate outburst in the United States not seen since Pele (the REAL best player of all time) graced these shores for a few seasons playing for the New York Cosmos. Yes, that’s right, Coulibaly from Mali (can you say Step N Fetchit!), has unified this footie-hating nation behind… footie! From coast to coast and across all sport platforms, the goal that wasn’t was all anyone could talk about.

Many pundits cautioned that US Soccer officials had to be reserved in their response, as the US is bidding to host the cup in 2018 or 2022. However, I believe that the bid actually empowers US Soccer's position. The 1994 World Cup remains the most heavily attended competition in its history. And this year's cup is marked by the largest number of tickets sold outside of S. Africa going to the ole US of A. Both of these things mean "Mo' Money" for FIFA, and if there's one thing FIFA loves, it's...

Don’t believe me… tell it to Step N Fetchit, who’s done for this World Cup.

Before I forget, the aforementioned US Bid for a future World Cup needs your help. So far half a million people have signed up to support the bid, but more people would help show FIFA that we mean business. So go to http://www.gousabid.com/  and register. Who knows… in about another decade, we’ll be doing all this in LA, Chicago, Kansas City, Atlanta and Philly!

A great honorable mention goes to the Kiwis of New Zealand, who took a shock 1-0 lead over defending champions Italy Sunday and finished with a 1-1 draw – the greatest result for the 78th ranked team in the world. Meanwhile, Italian striker Vincenzo Iaquinta ‘came out’ to his teammates after diving (as only Italians can dive), and scoring the equalizing penalty. After three more operations, he/she wants to be known simply as Shenanay.

Lastly, I’m endeavoring to post Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. So I’ll predict Tuesday and Wednesday’s matches now:

Mexico-Uruguay (0-0): Both advance with a draw, so bet your bottom burrito on this result.

France-S. Africa (1-0): The French muster some pride after receiving kickbacks of stinky cheese.

Nigeria-S. Korea (1-2): With nothing to play for, the ‘Super Eagles’ will start a Soul Train line in front of their own goal, through which Park Ji-Sung will worm and moonwalk the ball into the back of the net.

Greece-Argentina (0-3): What can I say? Messi likes baklava!

Slovenia-England (1-2): Despite stabbing random players in the neck, John Terry will score the winning header, swallow his tongue and turn a familiar shade of dirty blue.

USA-Algeria (3-1): US striker Edson Buddle finally starts, goes berserk and scores all three goals with pelvic thrusts.

Ghana-Germany (1-2): The one things Germans love more than David Hasselhoff... advancing in the Weltmeisterschaft!

Australia-Serbia (1-1): After Serbia’s early opener, the Socceroos respond: “You call that a goal? That’s a goal!”

And now, your football anecdote:

Today: Portugal hammered N. Korea 7-0. Leave it to the Portuguese to celebrate beating the tournament’s worst-ranked team (105 out of 202). The next worst team: host South Africa at 83.

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World Cup Becomes Star Wars

A long time ago, in a footieverse far far away...

We're finally starting to get some variety in the World Cup commercials... phew!

Now then, host nation South Africa looks headed out of the tournament - making it the first host nation to not make the knockout stages - after being housed by Uruguay 3-0 Wednesday. You could hear vuvuzelas drop from the lips of Bafana Bafana supporters as the South American's stroked in their second goal. That subsequent collective sigh you heard was the expression of exasperation by striking stadium security workers when they realized they would not be paid. Bring on the Storm Troopers!

The first round of group play was "A New Hope" for Asian teams (the S. Korea and Japan all earning valuable and unlikely wins against Greece and Cameroon respectively, while N. Korea bravely battled perennial favorite Brazil to a 2-1 loss, and New Zealand - if you count them - earned an historic draw with Slovakia). And Wednesday's beginning of the second round had to be the "Empire Strikes Back," as Uruguay and Argentina (4 FIFA World Cups between them) proved that the cream always rises to the top. The Argentines put S. Korea to the sword, tango-ing them into submission 4-1.

"Lioneeeelllll..... Use the Force Lioneelllllll!"

This, of course, has left Englishmen terrified that Argentina coach (and UK tormentor) Diego Maradona, could lead his squad to the finals. Callers into UK sports radio's TalkSport expressed horror that the "cheat," "drugs cheat," and "despicable human being" the world knows as Maradona could find his way into the World Cup final. “It would be an outright disgrace," one caller from Middle Earth decried. All that therapy (read pints), and all those years since the handball incident (that’s 24), and their own incompetence (despite having invented the modern game, they've only won ONE World Cup - and that was in 1966), and they STILL can't get over "The Hand of God." Hey lads, you won the battle that mattered (see Falkland’s War).

In other news, I was visited in a dream last night by the Creator. He/She reminded me I've yet to post a blog without mentioning Diego and cajoled: “Blogger, blog thyself!"

Since I can't seem to write a single blog without mentioning Bowba Maradonna, I'll go right back to the well with an episode of "Return of the Basehead!" Some bored journalists baited the Argentine manager telling him that Pele (whom he hates because Pele IS the best player of all time) and UEFA President and former French national Michel Platini criticised his management of the team. Dark side apprentice Platini, affraid that Maradona will direct his daily dose of coke-hangover inpsired drivel, sent Maradona a letter explaining that he'd not criticized him. Maradonna's response: "I want to send my apologies through you (reporters) to Mr. Platini, but not Pele."

Elsewhere, the Raymond Domenech-led French, err players (not team) stunk up the joint Thursday. Jar Jar Domenech showed once again that he can muck up anything he lays eyes on. Ohhhh, the dark side. The French lost 2-0 to Mexico and are all but eliminated. Meesuh think yousa, needsa newsa coacha.




And speaking of the dark side, the not-so Super Eagles of Nigeria could have used any kind of force they could lay their hands on as they underminded any opportunity presented to them. After going up 1-0 to Greece, Nigerian defender Taiwo kicked out at a Greek player and was sent off. Just before halftime, they conceded a cheap goal, and then in the second missed two gilded chances to go up 2-1. Credit to the Greeks - who were European champions not so long ago in 2004.

Next up is a match with no Diego connections whatsoever! – USA’s second match Friday against Slovenia. The US has a point from its draw with England, while the Slo-whatchamacallits have 3 points from their opening win against Algeria. The US MUST win if it hopes to advance, while the Slo-Moes can sit back, defend and break on the counterattack. That said, it should be a US win.

These are the first words I've offered about Team USA, which means I need to cover some old stuff. There was amazing atmosphere all round the nation as Americans and English alike joined arms to sing Kumbayay over pints of warm (European) or tasteless (Bud, Miller, Coors) beer. The match was warm, but like our beer, a bit tasteless for me. Of course the news reports of the match in the UK and America were completely twisted. UK tabloids lambasted eerily unlucky English goalkeeper Robert Green, who muffed the hot fire unleashed by Clint Dempsey from 30 years, allowing it to slowly dribble into his own net. Perhaps he was thinking he shouldn’t have broken up with Canadian girlfriend Elizabeth Minett. Or perhaps he was cursing her for not having more for him to practice holding onto.... hmmmmmm.

American reports called it the biggest draw since Bunker Hill. All they've said is how close we were to actually beating the English. I see that hyperbole and raise it with a gigantic yaaaawwwwwwn. The truth is that England (who take on Algeria Friday) had just as many, if not more, chances to take the lead. The draw was a legit result and both nations should progress to the knockout stages.

Now, back to my secret favorite team - the North Koreans. First, we all saw the open spigot of tears pouring from N. Korean player Jong Tae-Se during his national anthem Wednesday. Again, "journalist" suggested that he was moved to represent his country on the world's biggest football stage. The Footie Professor calls that Hong Kong Fuey! It's far more likely that Jong was responding to a last minute communiqué from Dear Leader Kim Jong-Il, who encouraged him by dangling his family from a rackety crate over a pond full of ravenous laser-armed piranha-sharks - a new species engineered during down time of his new Kor-zillian biological experiments.

Then there's the enevitable defection of N. Korean players. Kim Myong-wan, An Chol-hyok, Kim Kyong-il, and Pak Sung-hyak - have all gone missing. Dear Leader reportedly pased one of them in the hotel hallway just before their evaporation. A sly fan recorded the exchange on his mobile phone...

Meanwhile, team coach Kim Jong-hun (did you know that hun means Il in Korean!) set the reporter pool straight Monday after a South Korean journalist referred to his northern neighbor as "North Korea" and not "the Democratic People's Republic of Korea."

"There's no such country named 'North Korea,' Hun / Il said. "Next question." The follow-up query about Dear Leader was cut off by a FIFA official, who reminded reporters that there's no politics in sport... unless FIFA King Sepp Blatter says so.

Speaking of King Sepp, he's swept another ticket controversy under the rug after tickets assigned to a UK television station were illegally sold, then used by a Netherlands beer company for a guerrilla marketing campaign involving orange miniskirts and a gaggle of lovely Dutch (or South African depending on who you ask) lasses promoting the beer.

I fully agree with King Sepp about his bottom line, but the World Cup needs its scantily clad "ladies" like the German theater needed Her Shrek in "Shadow of the Vampire."

After FIFA was forced to acknowledge that some 36 marketing miscreants were taken to a re-education facility in the Dagoba System, Darth Blatter was heard to say:

"Getchyo hand outta my pocket!" before unsheathing his Swiss Edition light saber and stabbing Spanish midfielder Iniesta in the groin. (How do you say "that's going to leave a mark" in Spanish?)

And speaking of the Swiss (of which King Blatter is counted), some of you may think Blatter intervention is the only way they could beat the emperious Francisco Franco possessed Spanish team. But let's not forget this is essentially the same Swiss team that went the entire group stage of the 2002 World Cup without conceding a goal, and was only booted in the knockout stages in a penalty shoot out.

In true Star Wars fashion, ESPN's Roberto Martinez (a Spaniard) was asked after Spain's loss if all hope was lost for beautiful football, and tastey Latin alcoholic drinks. His reply: "There is another..."

Next, I am happy to report that sometimes sober, but always hilariously entertaining blogger Crazy Burnley Talk, has discovered that Special 1 TV has returned! If you are not hip, S1TV was the funniest puppet footie satire that's ever graced the airways. Whether it sounds like your cup of tea or not, I'm making this a mandatory class assignment! You'll be met with a puppet of newly minted Real Madrid manager Jose Mourinho, who hosts the show bearing the name he game himself when he joined Chelsea after winning the UEFA Champions League with Portuguese minnows Porto in 2004. Watch.... and enjoy!

And now, your footie anecdote:

UK broadsheet The Independent buried this nugget in a lengthy and somewhat dreary report about how English fans should be more mild mannered like their Japanese counterparts. The article, mysteriously ends with this treasure on England Keeper Robert Green's gaff against the red white and blue: "If John Terry really cared about England, about two months ago he'd have shagged Robert Green's missus."

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Guess Who's Back

Welcome back to Footie 101 class.

Apologies from your professor. I've found it quite difficult to maintain my drinking regime AND compose timely, witty repartee for your class lectures. Class, when there's World Cup football and alcohol involved, you'll lose every time.

That said, I start today's massive catch up lecture with outright disdain for the so-called “World Wide Leader In Sports.” ESPN, while stepping up its coverage of the World Cup, is still clearly designing its coverage without the acumen of people from football culture. When the network was broadcasting the UEFA Champions League it would regularly show the score of the second match before it had actually broadcast the game. Anyone who's watched even a little bit of footie knows this is a cardinal sin. Big ups to the Mad Frenchman Michel Platini for taking the current UEFA contract in the US away from ESPN and awarding it to Fox Soccer Channel!

Yesterday, a friend also complained to me about ESPN. He said he had been prompted by a local ESPN radio station's boast that it would be the radio home of the World Cup, but when he tuned to the station when he couldn't get to a television, NCAA baseball was on. The World Wide Leader In Sports indeed.

Worst of all for everyone is the realization that although ESPN pledged to cover the cup domestically to the same degree it’s covered in the rest of the world, ESPN's coverage is still embarrassingly short. Why, for example, is the two hour window between the second and third match of the day filled with regular Sports Center and other regular ESPN programming instead of World Cup coverage? I know for a fact that the only subject being covered in that window in the Europe, South America, Asia and Africa is World Cup commentary. ESPN has six channels to choose from to maintain constant coverage (ESPN, ESPN 2, ESPN Classic, ESPN News, ESPN Deportes and ABC). That very same aforementioned friend sought Spanish commentary during the two hour break and found ESPN Deportes covering (wait for it)... NASCAR. I'm sorry, NASCAR?!?! Where do they find these people?

Then there's (deep breath) Alexi Lalas - actual first name: Panayotis. I cannot say just how absolutely, comically inept Panayotis' so called “insights” are. The man has the pedigree, but when he opens his mouth, the most absurd nonsense comes out. He started his drivel by predicting Greece would advance in the tournament via the team's “boring brilliance.” I know he's Greek, but ESPN could have grabbed any Greek dude off the streets to make a biased prediction. Panayotis is supposed to be there to share his astute insight into the game, not to babble like Dudley Moore in Arthur. Moore: arrested for drinking and driving – and now dead. Lalas: sadly free (despite repeated drinking and talking offenses) – and still alive.

This is the man that (as general manager of the LA Galaxy) claimed the club was one of the world’s elite after signing a 32-year-old David Beckham. The club went on to finish in the bottom of its division two years in a row and has still yet to win an MLS championship. In a moment of clarity, the club owners fired Lalas. That was followed by a moment of lunacy by ESPN execs when they hired him. ESPN could have done just as well hiring Grizzly Adams.

Lastly - and more fundamentally - is the lack of halftime and post match stats on ESPN. This is standard for football coverage and yet they are sorely missing from ESPN's coverage. Last time I looked, even EA Sports includes them in its FIFA video game! But apparently it’s too much to ask the network carrying the event to do the same... I'd call them the NIKE of soccer broadcasting (outside of mainstream soccer culture looking in), but that'd be an insult to NIKE.

I will say that Americans Bob Ley and Mike Tirico have been quite sound as the anchor of the commentary, while Ruud Gullit, Jürgen Klinsmann, Steve McManaman and Roberto Martinez have given valuable insight that's viewers need. Note: they're all European (Dutch, German, English and Spanish respectively). Martin Tyler has led the line spendidly as commentator. But when you put Lalas in the midst of that master class of experience, he stinks like Ms Piggy doing a 4-shows-a-night burlesque show off Broadway. Sesame Street would say it best: “One of these pundits doesn't fit in here. One of these pundits does not belong...” Case in point, in the build up to the US-England game, Lalas attempted to rile Englishman McManaman by suggesting he used too much hair gel. There's insightful soccer commentary for you... brought to you by the good people at ESPN.

Perhaps ESPN is orchestrating a conspiracy to undermine the growth of footie in the US. By providing lame, counterproductive, and inconsistent coverage, along with lackluster lead commentators, no first time “soccer” viewer will ever want to watch it again. It's just like the argument many domestic soccer people make about “Americanizing” the sport to appeal to the US audience, and it’s absolutely wrong. Football is a global sport with a global culture. The people in the US that enjoy it are drawn to it for the same reason people in Italy, Ghana, Australia, S. Korea and Peru are attracted to it - they want to be part of that global culture. Any change to it to suit the domestic audience is a fundamental mistake. ESPN, MLS, US Soccer: Stop chasing the people who don't get it, and better service the people that do!

Phew….. Now, I predicted a couple of matches and have gone on record on radio about the fortunes of a few teams. Unlike most other pundits and sports prognosticators who never measure whether their predictions hold water (I’m talking to you Mel Kiper Jr.), I’ll actually stand up and take my medicine. I picked Mexico 2-S. Africa 1 and Bafana Bafana pulled out a high octane draw. I then picked a 1 all draw between France and Uruguay. It was a draw, but pathetically was also goalless. Meanwhile, I picked Nigeria to advance from its group on WOL’s Sportsgroove program. The Super Eagles lost to Argentina and look hard pressed to now advance from the group… but we shall see.

Matches are already underway today, so I’ll pick tomorrows. I’m going for two massive upsets tomorrow. I like New Zealand to shock Slovakia with a 1-0 victory, while the Ivory Coast will outlast Portugal by the same 1-0 score line. Elsewhere, Brazil will re-invent “Jogo Bonito” with a 6-0 demolition of the North Koreans. This will prompt N. Korean Coach Kim Jong-Il to invade southern Brazil, re-start Joseph Mengele’s Nazi breeding experiments and genetically engineer super human cyborg Kor-zilians for World Cup 2014.

In other news, English football has agreed to the so-called “home-grown” players rule, which will limit the number of foreign players in hopes of fostering more domestic player development. The rule will require the first-team squads of each club to be limited to 25 players over the age of 21 - 10 of them must be registered in English football for at least three seasons before their 21st birthday. But there's no restriction on players under the age of 21. The Brits also decided to impose a transfer embargo on clubs that do not file their financial accounts in time.

What's the immediate effect of all this - sugar daddy clubs that have tried to buy their way to success without investing in youth development - will be scrambling to sign English players like the Village People sailor trying to score on shore leave.

BUT WAIT! In South African business meetings FIFA has decided against moving forward with its version of the rule, which would have required every club have at least 6 home grown players starting from 2012. European officials have advised FIFA that the proposal may violate EU labor laws. Meanwhile, FIFA plans to explore other eligibility rules.

In other footie news FIFA King Sepp Blatter, who has held the position since 1998, announced at the Johannesburg congress that he will be seeking another term. “I have not yet completed my mission as president of FIFA,” said the 74-year-old Swiss demigod. “My next goal is to convince ESPN to get out of the football business and into the oil spill cleanup business. Hey, they can’t be any worse than BP!”
Then there's the news that moving this year's UEFA Champions League final from the traditional Wednesday to Saturday did NOT generate higher television ratings - in Europe. European TV ratings monitors reported an 18.5 percent drop in viewers in the continent's 5 major markets (UK, Germany, France, Spain and Italy) to 36.9 million. UEFA argues that there was always going to be a drop from record viewership from the previous final between the very popular Manchester United and Barcelona. UEFA also hope the viewership will increase once fans get used to the final on the weekend. That said, I bet the ratings were better Stateside than previous years, as most of our big sporting events always take place on the weekend. WHY? Because we work like bees during the week and party like its 1999 on weekends.

And of course there's the annual Italian football game show “Which Club will be Caught,” as five Italian clubs are being investigated for tax evasion. Serie A clubs Catania, Udinese and the recently promoted Cesena, along with Serie B Ascoli and Empoli, face the harsh Italian legal system that has allowed a certain Argentine legend to owe the country nearly $40 million in unpaid taxes for decades. Yawwwwwwn... let me know when the Chianti is served.

Lastly, there’s news that Adrian Mutu must pay former club Chelsea $21 million after losing his final appeal in a five-year battle to avoid being sued for breach of contract. Mutu, you’ll remember, was banned after testing positive for cocaine after joining the Blues. In a moment of frugality, Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich decided he wanted his $21 million back. His plans for the money: stir up hostilities between ancient enemies Fraggle Nation and Black Smurfland.
Oh The Horror!

There's a lesson here for you class: Do coke and score lots of goals for Argentina and Napoli like Diego Maradona, and be worshiped as god. Do coke, don't score enough goals for Abramovich's Chelsea and be sued for your transfer fee like Mutu.

A now, your footie anecdote:

Indian businessman and teetotaler Putul Bora has kept a bottle of whisky buried in his back garden for the last 16 years waiting for his favorite football team - Germany - to win the World Cup. Bora, of the remote town of Diphu in India, gave up alcohol in 2002 but is prepared dig up the bottle that be bought in 1994 the day after Germany lost to Bulgaria in the quarter-final.

“After the Bulgaria game I got the bottle of whisky back home and buried it in our courtyard. No one knows about this, not even my wife,” Bora said. “I shall resume drinking only when Germany lifts the Cup. No one can lure me to consume alcohol before that.”

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