Joao and the Amazing Multicolored Postcolonial DreamVote

You gotta know when to hold em, fold em, walk away, and when to run class. So put your chips all in, hide that fifth ace, and keep the get-away-car running, because it’s time again for Footie 101.

First, let me offer my full and genuine congratulations to Russia (2018) and Qatar (2022) – the nation’s

which have won the honor of hosting the FIFA World Cup – in my mind, the world’s most spectacular socio-political tribal event. No matter what one believes, you can’t accept the terms of the selection process and then whine about them after losing.

I may not be in Russia in 2018, or Qatar in 2022, but I raise my glass to them both and wish them all the best. Well played sirs… well played.

I liken the WC selection process to US presidential elections, which have lacked a certain veracity and transparency throughout American history. The presidential winner invariably is whoever gets away with the dirtiest trick; and both major US political parties willingly and repeatedly play by those rules.

Think George W. was the first to strong-arm an election in 2000? Then you need to read how JFK raised the dead in Chicago and unleashed the mob on poor W. Virginia union workers to get into the White House in 1960. And these tactics go all the way back to the Founding Fathers.

Now I want it clear for all to read; The FP was deeply disturbed last week when Qatar was selected. This had as much to do with my own future prospects as my own belief that Qatar was not the best place to host the tournament; but “best” by my own selfish and colonial perspective.

You see class; the world is not the Western-controlled empire most of us grew up in. In fact, the postcolonial / post Cold War global power shift to Asia, Russia and the Middle East has already taken place – we just continue to live the deluded lives of the imperialist fixated on a vanishing Super Power mirage. It’s a subject I often engage thoughtful friends with, and even taught when I was actually a university professor.

The wealth created and stockpiled by Western Europe and the United States already resides in Asia and the Middle East – with Russia a late arrival to the party. This took place over the past two generations in which oil and technology became the commodities that turned the wheels of the global industrial and informational economies. You see our oil addiction – to run the automobiles, aircraft and ships that facilitate the global economy – has always been predominantly serviced by the opulent fuel reserves in the Middle East and former Soviet Union.

Further, the massive military spending to “win” the Cold War and negotiate its treacherous weapons-of-mass-destruction littered aftermath needed to be financed by someone. Not sure who loaned all that loot to build-up a conventional US military that now fights unconventional wars?

I often say that if China showed up in the States tomorrow and asked for its money back, the best the US could do is offer California as a modest down payment. Cali, by the way, is the wealthiest state in the country and boasts a larger Gross Domestic Product than all but eight nations of the world.

Now bring all that politics back to sport. It’s a documented, but often overlooked, fact that international sport organizations (such as FIFA) act on social and human issues long before conventional international organizations (such as United Nations) even recognize them. Some might say sport groups actually lead the UN and NATO.

For example, it was international table tennis in 1956, the IOC in 1964, international track and field in 1966, and International cricket in 1970 that first boycotted South Africa’s brutal system of racial segregation called Apartheid. The UN followed in (drum roll please)…. 1985.


These early sport boycotts, many argue, were reflections of the growing deconstruction of colonized lands (made up largely of “non-whites”) and the international empowerment of those “non-whites” in largely “white-led” international organizations. During the colonial period Europe (generally considered “white”) conquered lands in Asia, Africa, the Americas, and the Middle East. The wealth of these lands filled the coffers of successive empires in Portugal (1400s-1700s), Spain (1500s-1899), France (1500s-1958), the Netherlands (1500s-1975), and England (late 1400s-1999).

The Western world we live in today was funded by the wealth earned (some say stolen) by conquering and exploiting those lands. But by the post WWII 1950s, many of these nations demanded the freedom the Allies (including the colonies) had fought the Axis to maintain. Consequently, a succession of African, Asian, Middle Eastern and Latin American nations fought for and gained their independence. Often first leading the call internationally were international sport organizations.

With that newfound independence came representation in the international community; and while most multinational groups incorporated these “non-white” nations into their democratically-run predominantly "white"organizations, the most powerful – like the UN, NATO, the IOC and FIFA – devised executive structures that kept ultimate control in the hands of the former colonizers.

This was also largely true in the international sport community until 1974 when cagey (and conventionally “white”) Brazilian Joao Havelange wrestled control of FIFA out of the hands of its English head at the time Sir Stanley Rous. Though Joao Sidious is considered proxy European, his palace coup meant that a continent of people mixed mostly with Native, European and African blood would run FIFA from then on. Joao’s protégé and successor – current FIFA King Sepp Blatter (though Swiss) – inherited power and maintains it through a coalition of postcolonial nations in the FIFA executive committee.

The King came to power (with his mentor’s help) by wooing the postcolonial votes; maintained that power (after an early corruption scandal) by promising and delivering a world cup to postcolonial Africa; and currently reigns supreme by adjusting his coalition to feature fuel-rich former European colony Qatar and fuel-rich post-Soviet Russia.

It’s worth noting that while Western Europe struggled with postcolonialization, the USSR was coming unraveled. It took a generation to stabilize, but the Russians who de-nationalized latent post-Soviet industry into staggering wealth (like the baby seal-soul-sucking Roman Abramovich seen celebrating his purchase at FIFA House) now sit financially firm at the global powerbroker table once occupied only by Portugal, Spain, the Netherlands, France, Britain and the US.

By the way, my money is on China (the benevolent bank of the West) to host the World Cup in 2030.

So in essence, what we saw happen at FIFA House last week was the first bold declaration by the postcolonial / post Cold War world that the West don’t run things anymore. Yes, it was done in sport, but remember, sport often drives the first nail into the house later claimed by the conventional international community.

Perhaps I'll address the African and Latin America lag, and the social construction that is "race" in a later blog.

As for the US bid, we brought a knife to a gun fight; simple as that. And that much-maligned Aussie bid? Their two-vote haul should be a learning experience to divine which way the global wind is blowing and adjust their sails. Oz football took an initial step towards this (if unwittingly) in 2006 when it left the powerless Oceana Federation and joined the Asian Football Confederation.

And all that bellyaching coming from England – the bidding nation that’s sole vote was cast from its own executive committee member – I have to say it’s a classic case of the chickens coming home to roost. If the sun hadn’t already set on the British Empire, it just did.

And now, your postcolonial/Cold War World Cup footie anecdote:

Former England international striker Gary Lineker has admitting relieving his bowels during a 1990 World Cup match with Ireland. Said Lineker: "You can see me rubbing the ground like a dog. It’s filmed ... but unless you know (what was happening) you wouldn’t know.”

Now YOU know. 

CLASS DISMISSED

ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS THE 2022 WORLD CUP

Get out your check books credit cards and spend with reckless holiday abandon class, it’s time for Footie 101.

The football world has suddenly become as strange and confusing to The FP as testimoy to the Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer. Things that were straight have become crooked, and up has become down. It can only mean one thing… football’s Darth Sidious has risen from his figurative crypt to pull the strings of the Beautiful Game once more.

Yes, the Brazilian capo dei capi Joao Havelange has returned!

The first reported sighting took place just before one of the biggest dates in world football that most schmoes know nothing about – Soccerex. It’s essentially THE world football convention and Darth Havelange – the man credited with making football a global financial juggernaut AND wrestling total control of the Beautiful Game from Europe – emerged from the crypt just before and during to say that he talked Brazilian Football Confederation president Ricardo Teixeira out of contesting the FIFA presidency next year, but has encouraged Teixeira (his son-in-law - yeah, that's right) to run in four years.

More than being a significant decree that immediately shook the footie world, the timing must be noted. It came a couple weeks before FIFA will choose the host nations for the 2018 and 2022 WCs. Given the intrigue and shenanigans taking place in the buildup to Thursday morning’s announcement, Darth’s comments must be recognized.

You see the election for FIFA president takes place in June 2011 and some of the likely challengers to FIFA King Sepp Blatter’s third term reign have already publicly backed down to avoid jeopardizing the chances of the WC bids they are actively promoting. None stands out more than Asian Football Confederation’s powerful president and FIFA executive committee member Mohamed Bin Hammam, who flirted with challenging King Sepp, but demurred to keep hope alive for the Qatari 2022 bid.

Meanwhile, others have already all but announced their intention to oust King Sepp. Most notable was South Korean Football Vice President Chung Mong-Joon, who also happens to run the Hyundai Empire. Joon has repeatedly suggested his firm (but not official) intention to defy The King in 2011. Despite his billions, I foresee a tragic end for Joon’s FIFA aspirations. Do the words “Sell Mortimer, sell!” mean anything to you…?

All but rewarded for services rendered is South African World Cup Chairman Danny Jordaan, whose uncontested ascent to S. African Football’s vice presidency took place over the weekend. Despite recent controversy over vote trading for the upcoming WC vote, Jordaan readily admits he used it to get the WC to S. Africa. Having successfully hosted the WC, Jordaan’s new post makes him eligible for a seat on the nearly all-powerful FIFA executive committee… in 2011 – the circle is now complete.

I say the executive committee is NEARLY all-powerful because as we know, The King runs this. And who made the king? That’s right, Darth Havelange.

Meanwhile, the jockeying and vote collusion is intensifying right up until Thursday’s vote. The most recent thunderbolt was a BBC investigative report that aired Monday called “FIFA’s Dirty Secrets.” It alleges that three top FIFA executive committee members have taken bribes in the past, or improperly scalped WC tickets. The allegations have even precipitated an official investigation from the bastions of above board sport operations – the International Olympic Committee.

Needless to say, the England bid organizers, who’ve known about the report for weeks, are struggling to maintain that much vaunted stiff upper lip. Odds makers have England third best likely to land the 2018 showcase behind Russia and the joint Spain-Portugal bid. But the Russkies have their own alleged problems.


Meanwhile, Qatar bid chief advocate Bin Hammam has accused various media outlets of conspiring through a “hidden war” to scuttle the desert nation’s chances. But then recent reports put Qatar as the odds on favorite for 2022.

Qatar’s chief rival for 2022 is the US-of-A. Despite dissing Qatar as an over-heated deathtrap, US bid organizers have deftly added political firepower and Hollywood paparazzi to their bid in its closing stages. Former US President (and still global pimp) Bill Clinton will deliver the bid presentation. Meanwhile, America’s current voice of god Morgan Freeman will add his calming baritone to the presentation.

The rival bid responses: Qatar added another camel to the caravan delivering its’ bid, some fresh dates, and complimentary shoe-sand removers for all visitors; Australia will insert a caveat into its new proposed law banning smoking in public places that would allow chain-smoking Europeans and Asians to suck on their cancer sticks all they want in calendar 2022; and S. Korea promised to postpone the start of a thermonuclear war with its neighbors to the north until after 2022.

And the Japanese bid response…

It’s all so tasty… so I suggest you saddle up to your television Thursday around 9:30 a.m. for the festivities. FYI, people stateside will have their choice of networks to watch for the announcement. I suggest Fox Soccer Channel, which will have a pre-announcement show on the day before and lengthy pre- and post-announcement coverage on announcement day.

Meanwhile, the World Wide Leader (in American sports)’ self-confessed new focus on the Beautiful Game is sadly inadequate for the magnitude of the announcement. Despite being the official television partner of the WC in the US, the WWL(IAS) is only carrying the live announcement. As of now, it’s not clear which WWL(IAS) channel will carry the announcement, but I put my money on ESPN2. Others believe it’ll be on the WWL(IAS) live online stream ESPN3. If that’s the case, it is yet more evidence that they have no clue what they’re doing with our sport.

UPDATE: You can watch the bid presentations (which began Wednesday) at this FIFA link!

Lastly, it’s worth noting that the long struggle in Spain to share top flight football television revenues evenly in La Liga (instead of predominantly between the two big dogs of Barcelona and Real Madrid)… continues. Readers of the blog will remember The FP mentioning that other La Liga clubs were threatening to excommunicate the big two if they did not agree to more equitable TV revenue sharing. In response, the big two offered to reduce their 40% share to 34%. How generous.

Most of La Liga has acquiesced. But six clubs are holding out for a better deal and The FP salutes them.

And now, your football anecdote.

An English club manager has decried his team as the worst in Britain after conceding 227 goals in 11 matches. Madron FC Manager Alan Davenport made the admission after a 55-0 hammering to Illogan Reserves. Said Davenport: “I know everyone is probably laughing at us… (but) we have no plans to stop.” Asked about his players continued interest despite repeated shellackings, he added: “Fair play to them for showing up.”

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Legends Born as Paul RIP In Paul Gascoigne's Locker

Good eeeeeeeeevening class. Bear your necks and prepare to be drained! It’s the special All Hallows Weekend edition of Footie 101!

Boo!

In keeping with the spooky prospects of the weekend, it must be noted that the week is bookended by the scariest coming together in the world of footie – the respective 70th and 50th birthdays of the two greatest footballers that ever lived - Edson Arantes do Nascimento (affectionately known to the world as Pele) and Diego Armando Maradona (the tortured genius).

Many of you have waited patiently for The FP to lecture on why I see Pele, and not Maradona, as the greatest of all time. But because of a flood of noteworthy footie info, today will not be that day. (It is worth noting that as bizarre as it sounds, Good Ole Diego has lost even more of his mind!)

Instead, I have lots of little items to bring to your attention.

First, a sad note. This week, the footie world lost one of its rising stars. Paul The Octopus lost his long fight with degenerative cartilage disease. He was 2 ½.

Next, the FIFA WC bid scandal continues to grow like a spawning plume of deadly Aussie jellyfish. It’s gotten so bad that Sony is considering withdrawing its sponsorship of the WC, and the International Olympic Committee (that the bastion of rightness and above-board operations) is offering its advice to FIFA King Sepp Blatter. Now isn’t that the pedophile calling the rapist a sex offender!

Meanwhile, more FIFA executives are continuing to stupidly get caught giving interviews telling the world just how corrupt the bidding process for the 2018 and 2022 WCs really is.The Sunday Times, the UK paper that caught two FIFC executive committee member asking for cash in exchange for their votes on Dec. 2, also taped FIFA’s former general secretary, Michel Zen-Ruffinen saying other executive committee members could be influenced by cash, another could be influenced by “ladies” and describing one as “the biggest gangster you will find on earth.” Shocking... absolutely shocking!
And then there’s the tat-a-tat between England and Russia. Apparently, the Russkies accused the Limeys of being violent drunkards (see pedophile calling rapist sex offender). But it’s all better now after the head of former Soviet footie said “Fucski! Can’t we all just drink and destroy property together?”

They should have sent deported Russian spy Ana Chapman to mediate..... now that's my kinda detente, indeed.

As for the allegations that the Spain-Portugal and Qatar bid groups have colluded to improve each other’s chances of being selected – a major no-no according to FIFA regulations, Zen-Ruffinen said: "This is not just a rumor, it is fact."

Of course, both bid groups deny the allegation.

Meanwhile, The FP thinks certain bids from certain Middle East nations are getting away with one this week, after American swimmer Fran Crippen died from exertion and high water temperature during a race in the United Arab Emirates. Now I know the bid officials from a certain Middle Eastern nation have made repeated assurances that the temperatures there will be mediated by technology, but the average hi-low in June is 106-81 and in July is 115-84… and Crippen died in OPEN WATER!

Then, there’s the Delusional Down Under Movement, which continues to… delude, as Aussie bid leaders are being praised for staying above the fray. This despite having been embroiled in its own FIFA bribery allegation, and having several teams in its top flight footie league teetering, or diving headlong into oblivion. Besides, would you really want to play the WC where Super Cross racing is venerated?

In Europe, Manchester United has moved to put the clean part of Rooneygate behind it by starting rumors that manager Sir Alex Ferguson is quietly recruiting “Barrrthelona” manager Pep Guardiola as his replacement.

Self-appointed replacement Jose Mourinho immediately announced the creation of an exploratory committee for an even better job.

And of course, with Liverpool FC being bought by Red Sox owner John W. Henry, we can expect improved results… and an increase in on-field homo-erotica.

Then there's disgraced former England striker Paul Gascoigne, who tried his best to emulate Charlie Sheen this week, but failed to bring his own porn star to the party. It's just so sad.... so sad.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, the MLS is going through an interesting growth/contraction – highlighted by the World Wide Leader in American Sports. New figures indicate that while attendance at MLS matches has increased 4 percent over the previous season, viewership on ESPN has dropped 12 percent. (Viewership on Fox Soccer Channel remains steady, but not growing).

Again, The FP calls for TWWL to either embrace the game as it is, or leave it alone. Otherwise, they’ll drive footie interest somewhere between Ishtar and Waterworld.

And now, your Mid-term elections inspired… footie anecdote. Even in Winnipeg, Canada, election campaign ads can take on frightening footie overtones. Think not? Sample this little ditty targeted at incumbent Mayor Sam Katz.

 

 

CLASS DISMISSED!

The Greed That Greed Created

One side class; I’m on a mission from god – and that mission is called… Footie 101!

As my UK peeps would say, the club season is starting to “hot up.” But perhaps the Spanish “caliente” better describes what’s been happening in the world of football.

Just since we last met, there’s been: a FIFA cash-for-World Cup-votes scandal (wake me when there’s NOT a FIFA scandal); a pantomimed player strike in Italy’s Serie A (stopped as soon the right amount of lira landed in the right accounts); a top player demanding more money because his teammates aren’t good enough (that’s Mr. Potato Head logic); and love blossoming between a national team manager and the female reporter covering his latest friendly.

Let’s start there, with US Coach Bob Bradley making goo-goo eyes at Worldwide Leader in American Sports reporter (and former US women’s world cup winner) Julie Foudy. Am I the only one who noticed old Bob casting his heavenly grey-hazel-eyed gaze in J-Fo’s direction?

Pre-game:

Post-game:

We’ll get another chance to check on whether Le Bob shoots her the “strike hither” eyes again when the US plays South African in a possibly vuvuzela-less friendly Nov. 17.

Meanwhile, FIFA is in a tizzy caused by “devils,” according to King Sepp Blatter. Two members of the committee that will choose what nations host the 2018 and 2022 world cups have been suspended while FIFA continued to investigate claims in a British newspaper that they were willing to vote for certain bidding nations in return for donations.

Nigerian Federation President Amos Adamu allegedly (and unknowingly) asked an undercover Sunday Times reporter for $800,000 to fund a personal project in exchange for his vote. Tahiti's Reynald Temarii, a FIFA vice-president, allegedly asked for a cool $2.4 million to fund a sports academy.

This of course, throws the coming Dec. 2 vote on who’ll host the cups into a whirlwind. And all this follows the withdrawal of the US’ 2018 bid and England’s 2022 bid within hours of each other. FIFA “strongly prohibits” vote trading (unless it works to the benefit of his chosen destination), so the US stepping out of 2018 to focus on 2022 – reported to The FP in a previous blog – is not being investigated.

That’s not the case with the joint Spain-Portugal bid, or the Qatar bid – both of which are being investigated on charges they’ve colluded… you know, in the same way the Anglo-Allianced US and UK likely did… but more swarthy.

Barring a FIFA palace coup, expect the Brits to host in 2018 and the Yanks to host in 2022. So it has been written… so it shall be done!

Meanwhile, Manchester United and England striker Wayne Rooney held his club to ransom

 last week to distract from the fact that his top sponsors are dropping him like a lepor with a bad cough after allegations surfaced that he had sex with a prostitute while his wife was pregnant with their child.

Acting like he was disappointed with the club’s ambitions (they’ve only won the three Premier Leagues, the Champions League, and three league cups since his arrival six years ago), Rooney said his teammates were not good enough and that the club wasn’t adding enough world class talent – so he wanted to leave. Given his value, there are realistically only a handful of clubs in the world that could afford him – Real Madrid, Barcelona, Inter and AC Milan, Chel$ki, and cross-town rivals Manchester City.

Flush with cash from a Middle East oil tycoon, Citeh have been buying any quality player with a pulse for nearly the past two years, and immediately emerged as odds on favorites to scoop Rooney up in the January transfer window.

The classy Manchester supporters who’ve sung his name in wave after wave of United-winning rhapsody, responded by storming his home in the night, like villagers after Dr. Frankenstein. They added protest signs…

… and life-threatening graffiti to their tasteful protests.

In the same week, supporters of Arsenal FC gave a standing ovation when former Arsenal striker Eduardo scored against them in the UEFA Champions League for Shakhtar Donetsk. They’d also sung his name all during the match. That, class, IS class.

Now, there’ve been many ghoulish supporter demonstrations (Liverpool supporters burning the American flag to protest against former owners George Gillette and Tom Hicks,

or ManUre fans burning American owner Malcolm Glazer in effigy).

But in light of United supporters’ recent actions I must tender an apology to Chelsea supporters, who I’ve taken to calling “savages.” The mantle now rests solely with supporters of Manchester United Football Club… until of course such time that Dirty Blue supporters rightfully reclaim the title.

And of course last is the Italian Strike that Never Happened. Serie A players threatened for weeks to bring the league to a halt over collective bargaining terms. Supposedly an agreement was reached on six of the eight terms being debated.

To this, The FP says phooey, and points to the fact that the Lazio-Milan derby was scheduled for the same weekend as the strike. Had the strike progressed, all that lovely television revenue for Il Duce (Senore Silvio Berlusconi) would have vanished. And we all know, Senore loves his revenue like FIFA loves the haze of foggy, murk-draped election processes.

And now, your Rooney-inspired footie anecdote:

CAFeter Catastrophe Part III, A Dry Oktoberfest, & A Hardman Head-of-State

Class, your pleas for clarity, and prayers for deliverance have been answered. ‘Scuse me while I whip this out… It’s time for Footie 101!

I’ll dispense with my now tiresome excuses as to why it’s been so long since my last post. Needless to say, The FP is doing distasteful things for his money. Mind you, there are no narcotics, or sexual favors, and white slavery’s not involved, but it is leaving an increasingly foul taste in my mouth. To the new job mobile… let’s goooooo!

I suppose my last post (the epic tome on the history of the Beautiful Game) left me spent and devoid of inspiration. Even so, I have to say the first couple of months of the club season have been rather dry. Aside from a few broken legs, a double goalkeeper meltdown (my protégé LOVES this story!), and the tantalizing sleaze that is Rooney-gate, not much has been going on.

By the way… it’s October. Where’s that review of goal line technology promised by FIFA King Sepp Blatter? As predicted right here by The FP, Hades will endure a record dip in humidity before The King makes the game more accountable. All hail The King!

Speaking of October, it is a sad day when the fine lads of Bayern München are performing so poorly in this year’s Bundesliga, that their Dutch manager is not allowing them their traditional visit to Oktoberfest. The only sure fire thing I know that can cheer up a sad Bavarian in Germany (like Quebec in Canada, or Catalan in Spain) is Oktoberfest. LET THEM DRINK! (everybody) LET THEM DRINK!!

Also needing a drink by now is the FIFA committee making site visits to nation’s bidding to host the 2018 and 2022 World Cups. The latest word is that England, Russia and the USA are the leading contestants. There are increasing murmurings that a closed-door deal is being worked for the US to withdraw from contention for 2018, clearing the way for England 2018 and solidifying votes for USA 2022. That would leave the Russkies high dry and wondering why their “vodka-fueled, 13-year-old virgin sex slaves chained to a Moscow hotel radiator” lobbying campaign didn’t work.

Given that the Yanks have whipped the Limeys twice (wars of independence and 1812 in case you were asleep in your fourth grade history class) and the Cossacks once reeeeeeeally slowly (Cold War), I say we take em on again head-to-head and let the red cards fall where they may! By the way, if for some reason I'm found “floating” face down in my bath tub, body defaced with Siberian prison tattoos BEFORE the December FIFA vote, you’ll know which nation will host BOTH WCs. Ahhh, those pranksters from the former Soviet Union...

Other bidding nations have fared far worse. Japan's effort, for example, is hardly registering. Too much emphasis on technology I'm told. Fear not Nippon! No bid, no nation, no person is perfect - even the FP has faults. Among my duo of shortcomings… spite.

Some of you know that The FP spent a fruitless, if near-deadly spell Down Under. I say fruitless because I’d hoped to contribute to the growth of football in Oz. But I was spurned and left Aussieland unfulfilled.

Now, one of two things happens when I leave a place for good – something really good (Atlanta), or something really, really bad (Cleveland). And as much as I love the Buckeye state, it touched me in the morning; then just walked away. Since I left, Cleveland's economy sank into the the toilet, its housing prices collapsed, and its schools continue to… (shall we say) suck sweaty donkey balls.

Now I cast no ju-ju (good or bad) upon my departed residences, but I have to say the calamity that has befallen the Aussie World Cup bid is just deserts.

You see after starting their bid campaign quite strong, they’ve fallen off the pace. In addition to being investigated by FIFA for unsanctioned lobbying, and their regional confederation president backing the rival bid from (LOL) Qatar, the H-League (Australia’s top flight football) is teetering (what a naughty word) on the brink of collapse.

FIFA No Like!

And I have so say it couldn’t happen to a more deserving football federation. That icky substance dripping sarcastically from my fingers…. Yep, you guessed it.

On another WC note, the World Wide Leader in American Sports has released new numbers indicating that 160 million Americans watched the World Cup on the network, through its web presence (ESPN3), or through ESPN’s stream to handheld devices. That’s a 41 percent increase over the 2006 U.S. viewership of the WC. They also reported an average American viewership of 3.3 million for each WC match, and that 24.7 million Yanks watched the final. Strangely, 5.7 million in the States watched the Nigeria-South Korea and Greece-Argentina games June 22. The only sense I can make of this is that there was a momentary unholy alliance between two of The FP’s nemeses. That’s right – Dear Leader and Diegoooooooo!

 

I know…. I know; Kim Jong-Il is from North Korea. But this moment of whimsy allowed me to mention two of the blog’s favorites subjects. To them I say: "건배 snknknknknk." (that’s cheers in Korean followed by the sound of Diego Maradona indulging in his favored pastime - no, not smoking).

Back in Europe, there’s a tasty legal case developing that could scuttle Rupert Murdoch’s $2.56 billion near-monopoly of English Premier League broadcasting rights. In an attempt to increase traffic to her establishment, Portsmouth pub owner Karen Murphy subscribed to Sky Sports, only to find the fee rocket to more than $1,500-a-month. To keep the pub traffic, but cut the Sky expense, she illegally used a Greek cable box subscription card to gain access to the matches.

When she was caught (Big Brother Rupert IS watching!) she had to pay about $12,700 in fines to Sky. Undaunted, she sued, arguing that restricting her choice of satellite providers violates the free trade standard of the European Union. Cheers to you Lady Murphy!

Let us all bow our heads and hope that Big Brother Rupert doesn't transform back to his 1960s alter-ego

(The Mastermind... RODAK!) and send his horde of shadowy Lugo Men for the gutsy Pompey broad!

Also in Britain, it’s worth noting that England’s most successful club – Liverpool – are perched precariously in the relegation zone as they prepare to face cross town rivals Everton – also near bottom – Oct. 17. If you’re a Scouser (a native of Liverpool), it doesn’t get any worse than this. Well.... it could, if the derby ends in a draw, and all three clubs around them win. That'd leave the Liverpudlians joint bottom of the table. Woe to Scouse-land.

NEWS FLASH: Liverpool's board have agreed to sell the club to the owner of the Boston Red Sox!

But then again you could be a Gooner (a supporter of Arsenal). Those unlucky bastards had to sit through the sixth consecutive dismantling last weekend by the flamingly-Gheri curled Didier Drogba and his gang of Chel$ki savages. Here’s insight into another toothless Arsenal performance of sublime mediocrity… their starting striker, defender, and captain were all laid up injured - attending OTHER sporting events!

Even Kobe put in six minutes!

And speaking of missing in action, let’s stop briefly in the Motherland, where CAFeter – my name for the useless Confederation of African Football – has again shown a lack of leadership by ignoring the Nigerian government's meddling in Nigerian football affairs – a massive no-no to FIFA. As if he had nothing better to do, The King had to interrupt a "counseling session," get involved, and indefinitely suspend Nigeria from all international competition.

This follows on the heals of FIFA having to step in again for CAFeter last month after it was discovered that a fake Togo team took part in an official friendly with Bahrain. You'll remember that CAFeter brandished it's bizarro style of leadership in January when it banned Togo (them again) for pulling out of the African Cup of Nations after Togo's team bus was attacked by Angolan gunmen, and three members of the delegation were killed. Again, it was FIFA King Sepp Blatter who personally cleaned up this idiotic CAFeter catastrophe.

Something that needs no clean-up is my favorite (but still yet to visit) US pitch - Philadelphia Union’s "People Park," which is embroiled in a new controversy. Apparently the Sons of Ben – the Philly supporters group so fervent that they formed three years before the club took the field – have been using offensive language in its songs during matches. Philly fans! Using offensive language?!?! Unheard of!

And now, your footie anecdote:

Bolivian President Evo Morales graciously agreed to play in a friendly between his party and his political rivals as part of the christening of a newly renovated La Paz stadium. But as we’ve heard time and time again, it’s all fun and games until someone gets hurt. And when a crunching tackle was administered to one of his teammates, Morales, THE PRESIDENT OF THE FRIGGIN COUNTRY….. kneed his opponent ... in the nuts.

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