Legends Born as Paul RIP In Paul Gascoigne's Locker

Good eeeeeeeeevening class. Bear your necks and prepare to be drained! It’s the special All Hallows Weekend edition of Footie 101!

Boo!

In keeping with the spooky prospects of the weekend, it must be noted that the week is bookended by the scariest coming together in the world of footie – the respective 70th and 50th birthdays of the two greatest footballers that ever lived - Edson Arantes do Nascimento (affectionately known to the world as Pele) and Diego Armando Maradona (the tortured genius).

Many of you have waited patiently for The FP to lecture on why I see Pele, and not Maradona, as the greatest of all time. But because of a flood of noteworthy footie info, today will not be that day. (It is worth noting that as bizarre as it sounds, Good Ole Diego has lost even more of his mind!)

Instead, I have lots of little items to bring to your attention.

First, a sad note. This week, the footie world lost one of its rising stars. Paul The Octopus lost his long fight with degenerative cartilage disease. He was 2 ½.

Next, the FIFA WC bid scandal continues to grow like a spawning plume of deadly Aussie jellyfish. It’s gotten so bad that Sony is considering withdrawing its sponsorship of the WC, and the International Olympic Committee (that the bastion of rightness and above-board operations) is offering its advice to FIFA King Sepp Blatter. Now isn’t that the pedophile calling the rapist a sex offender!

Meanwhile, more FIFA executives are continuing to stupidly get caught giving interviews telling the world just how corrupt the bidding process for the 2018 and 2022 WCs really is.The Sunday Times, the UK paper that caught two FIFC executive committee member asking for cash in exchange for their votes on Dec. 2, also taped FIFA’s former general secretary, Michel Zen-Ruffinen saying other executive committee members could be influenced by cash, another could be influenced by “ladies” and describing one as “the biggest gangster you will find on earth.” Shocking... absolutely shocking!
And then there’s the tat-a-tat between England and Russia. Apparently, the Russkies accused the Limeys of being violent drunkards (see pedophile calling rapist sex offender). But it’s all better now after the head of former Soviet footie said “Fucski! Can’t we all just drink and destroy property together?”

They should have sent deported Russian spy Ana Chapman to mediate..... now that's my kinda detente, indeed.

As for the allegations that the Spain-Portugal and Qatar bid groups have colluded to improve each other’s chances of being selected – a major no-no according to FIFA regulations, Zen-Ruffinen said: "This is not just a rumor, it is fact."

Of course, both bid groups deny the allegation.

Meanwhile, The FP thinks certain bids from certain Middle East nations are getting away with one this week, after American swimmer Fran Crippen died from exertion and high water temperature during a race in the United Arab Emirates. Now I know the bid officials from a certain Middle Eastern nation have made repeated assurances that the temperatures there will be mediated by technology, but the average hi-low in June is 106-81 and in July is 115-84… and Crippen died in OPEN WATER!

Then, there’s the Delusional Down Under Movement, which continues to… delude, as Aussie bid leaders are being praised for staying above the fray. This despite having been embroiled in its own FIFA bribery allegation, and having several teams in its top flight footie league teetering, or diving headlong into oblivion. Besides, would you really want to play the WC where Super Cross racing is venerated?

In Europe, Manchester United has moved to put the clean part of Rooneygate behind it by starting rumors that manager Sir Alex Ferguson is quietly recruiting “Barrrthelona” manager Pep Guardiola as his replacement.

Self-appointed replacement Jose Mourinho immediately announced the creation of an exploratory committee for an even better job.

And of course, with Liverpool FC being bought by Red Sox owner John W. Henry, we can expect improved results… and an increase in on-field homo-erotica.

Then there's disgraced former England striker Paul Gascoigne, who tried his best to emulate Charlie Sheen this week, but failed to bring his own porn star to the party. It's just so sad.... so sad.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, the MLS is going through an interesting growth/contraction – highlighted by the World Wide Leader in American Sports. New figures indicate that while attendance at MLS matches has increased 4 percent over the previous season, viewership on ESPN has dropped 12 percent. (Viewership on Fox Soccer Channel remains steady, but not growing).

Again, The FP calls for TWWL to either embrace the game as it is, or leave it alone. Otherwise, they’ll drive footie interest somewhere between Ishtar and Waterworld.

And now, your Mid-term elections inspired… footie anecdote. Even in Winnipeg, Canada, election campaign ads can take on frightening footie overtones. Think not? Sample this little ditty targeted at incumbent Mayor Sam Katz.

 

 

CLASS DISMISSED!

The Greed That Greed Created

One side class; I’m on a mission from god – and that mission is called… Footie 101!

As my UK peeps would say, the club season is starting to “hot up.” But perhaps the Spanish “caliente” better describes what’s been happening in the world of football.

Just since we last met, there’s been: a FIFA cash-for-World Cup-votes scandal (wake me when there’s NOT a FIFA scandal); a pantomimed player strike in Italy’s Serie A (stopped as soon the right amount of lira landed in the right accounts); a top player demanding more money because his teammates aren’t good enough (that’s Mr. Potato Head logic); and love blossoming between a national team manager and the female reporter covering his latest friendly.

Let’s start there, with US Coach Bob Bradley making goo-goo eyes at Worldwide Leader in American Sports reporter (and former US women’s world cup winner) Julie Foudy. Am I the only one who noticed old Bob casting his heavenly grey-hazel-eyed gaze in J-Fo’s direction?

Pre-game:

Post-game:

We’ll get another chance to check on whether Le Bob shoots her the “strike hither” eyes again when the US plays South African in a possibly vuvuzela-less friendly Nov. 17.

Meanwhile, FIFA is in a tizzy caused by “devils,” according to King Sepp Blatter. Two members of the committee that will choose what nations host the 2018 and 2022 world cups have been suspended while FIFA continued to investigate claims in a British newspaper that they were willing to vote for certain bidding nations in return for donations.

Nigerian Federation President Amos Adamu allegedly (and unknowingly) asked an undercover Sunday Times reporter for $800,000 to fund a personal project in exchange for his vote. Tahiti's Reynald Temarii, a FIFA vice-president, allegedly asked for a cool $2.4 million to fund a sports academy.

This of course, throws the coming Dec. 2 vote on who’ll host the cups into a whirlwind. And all this follows the withdrawal of the US’ 2018 bid and England’s 2022 bid within hours of each other. FIFA “strongly prohibits” vote trading (unless it works to the benefit of his chosen destination), so the US stepping out of 2018 to focus on 2022 – reported to The FP in a previous blog – is not being investigated.

That’s not the case with the joint Spain-Portugal bid, or the Qatar bid – both of which are being investigated on charges they’ve colluded… you know, in the same way the Anglo-Allianced US and UK likely did… but more swarthy.

Barring a FIFA palace coup, expect the Brits to host in 2018 and the Yanks to host in 2022. So it has been written… so it shall be done!

Meanwhile, Manchester United and England striker Wayne Rooney held his club to ransom

 last week to distract from the fact that his top sponsors are dropping him like a lepor with a bad cough after allegations surfaced that he had sex with a prostitute while his wife was pregnant with their child.

Acting like he was disappointed with the club’s ambitions (they’ve only won the three Premier Leagues, the Champions League, and three league cups since his arrival six years ago), Rooney said his teammates were not good enough and that the club wasn’t adding enough world class talent – so he wanted to leave. Given his value, there are realistically only a handful of clubs in the world that could afford him – Real Madrid, Barcelona, Inter and AC Milan, Chel$ki, and cross-town rivals Manchester City.

Flush with cash from a Middle East oil tycoon, Citeh have been buying any quality player with a pulse for nearly the past two years, and immediately emerged as odds on favorites to scoop Rooney up in the January transfer window.

The classy Manchester supporters who’ve sung his name in wave after wave of United-winning rhapsody, responded by storming his home in the night, like villagers after Dr. Frankenstein. They added protest signs…

… and life-threatening graffiti to their tasteful protests.

In the same week, supporters of Arsenal FC gave a standing ovation when former Arsenal striker Eduardo scored against them in the UEFA Champions League for Shakhtar Donetsk. They’d also sung his name all during the match. That, class, IS class.

Now, there’ve been many ghoulish supporter demonstrations (Liverpool supporters burning the American flag to protest against former owners George Gillette and Tom Hicks,

or ManUre fans burning American owner Malcolm Glazer in effigy).

But in light of United supporters’ recent actions I must tender an apology to Chelsea supporters, who I’ve taken to calling “savages.” The mantle now rests solely with supporters of Manchester United Football Club… until of course such time that Dirty Blue supporters rightfully reclaim the title.

And of course last is the Italian Strike that Never Happened. Serie A players threatened for weeks to bring the league to a halt over collective bargaining terms. Supposedly an agreement was reached on six of the eight terms being debated.

To this, The FP says phooey, and points to the fact that the Lazio-Milan derby was scheduled for the same weekend as the strike. Had the strike progressed, all that lovely television revenue for Il Duce (Senore Silvio Berlusconi) would have vanished. And we all know, Senore loves his revenue like FIFA loves the haze of foggy, murk-draped election processes.

And now, your Rooney-inspired footie anecdote:

CAFeter Catastrophe Part III, A Dry Oktoberfest, & A Hardman Head-of-State

Class, your pleas for clarity, and prayers for deliverance have been answered. ‘Scuse me while I whip this out… It’s time for Footie 101!

I’ll dispense with my now tiresome excuses as to why it’s been so long since my last post. Needless to say, The FP is doing distasteful things for his money. Mind you, there are no narcotics, or sexual favors, and white slavery’s not involved, but it is leaving an increasingly foul taste in my mouth. To the new job mobile… let’s goooooo!

I suppose my last post (the epic tome on the history of the Beautiful Game) left me spent and devoid of inspiration. Even so, I have to say the first couple of months of the club season have been rather dry. Aside from a few broken legs, a double goalkeeper meltdown (my protégé LOVES this story!), and the tantalizing sleaze that is Rooney-gate, not much has been going on.

By the way… it’s October. Where’s that review of goal line technology promised by FIFA King Sepp Blatter? As predicted right here by The FP, Hades will endure a record dip in humidity before The King makes the game more accountable. All hail The King!

Speaking of October, it is a sad day when the fine lads of Bayern München are performing so poorly in this year’s Bundesliga, that their Dutch manager is not allowing them their traditional visit to Oktoberfest. The only sure fire thing I know that can cheer up a sad Bavarian in Germany (like Quebec in Canada, or Catalan in Spain) is Oktoberfest. LET THEM DRINK! (everybody) LET THEM DRINK!!

Also needing a drink by now is the FIFA committee making site visits to nation’s bidding to host the 2018 and 2022 World Cups. The latest word is that England, Russia and the USA are the leading contestants. There are increasing murmurings that a closed-door deal is being worked for the US to withdraw from contention for 2018, clearing the way for England 2018 and solidifying votes for USA 2022. That would leave the Russkies high dry and wondering why their “vodka-fueled, 13-year-old virgin sex slaves chained to a Moscow hotel radiator” lobbying campaign didn’t work.

Given that the Yanks have whipped the Limeys twice (wars of independence and 1812 in case you were asleep in your fourth grade history class) and the Cossacks once reeeeeeeally slowly (Cold War), I say we take em on again head-to-head and let the red cards fall where they may! By the way, if for some reason I'm found “floating” face down in my bath tub, body defaced with Siberian prison tattoos BEFORE the December FIFA vote, you’ll know which nation will host BOTH WCs. Ahhh, those pranksters from the former Soviet Union...

Other bidding nations have fared far worse. Japan's effort, for example, is hardly registering. Too much emphasis on technology I'm told. Fear not Nippon! No bid, no nation, no person is perfect - even the FP has faults. Among my duo of shortcomings… spite.

Some of you know that The FP spent a fruitless, if near-deadly spell Down Under. I say fruitless because I’d hoped to contribute to the growth of football in Oz. But I was spurned and left Aussieland unfulfilled.

Now, one of two things happens when I leave a place for good – something really good (Atlanta), or something really, really bad (Cleveland). And as much as I love the Buckeye state, it touched me in the morning; then just walked away. Since I left, Cleveland's economy sank into the the toilet, its housing prices collapsed, and its schools continue to… (shall we say) suck sweaty donkey balls.

Now I cast no ju-ju (good or bad) upon my departed residences, but I have to say the calamity that has befallen the Aussie World Cup bid is just deserts.

You see after starting their bid campaign quite strong, they’ve fallen off the pace. In addition to being investigated by FIFA for unsanctioned lobbying, and their regional confederation president backing the rival bid from (LOL) Qatar, the H-League (Australia’s top flight football) is teetering (what a naughty word) on the brink of collapse.

FIFA No Like!

And I have so say it couldn’t happen to a more deserving football federation. That icky substance dripping sarcastically from my fingers…. Yep, you guessed it.

On another WC note, the World Wide Leader in American Sports has released new numbers indicating that 160 million Americans watched the World Cup on the network, through its web presence (ESPN3), or through ESPN’s stream to handheld devices. That’s a 41 percent increase over the 2006 U.S. viewership of the WC. They also reported an average American viewership of 3.3 million for each WC match, and that 24.7 million Yanks watched the final. Strangely, 5.7 million in the States watched the Nigeria-South Korea and Greece-Argentina games June 22. The only sense I can make of this is that there was a momentary unholy alliance between two of The FP’s nemeses. That’s right – Dear Leader and Diegoooooooo!

 

I know…. I know; Kim Jong-Il is from North Korea. But this moment of whimsy allowed me to mention two of the blog’s favorites subjects. To them I say: "건배 snknknknknk." (that’s cheers in Korean followed by the sound of Diego Maradona indulging in his favored pastime - no, not smoking).

Back in Europe, there’s a tasty legal case developing that could scuttle Rupert Murdoch’s $2.56 billion near-monopoly of English Premier League broadcasting rights. In an attempt to increase traffic to her establishment, Portsmouth pub owner Karen Murphy subscribed to Sky Sports, only to find the fee rocket to more than $1,500-a-month. To keep the pub traffic, but cut the Sky expense, she illegally used a Greek cable box subscription card to gain access to the matches.

When she was caught (Big Brother Rupert IS watching!) she had to pay about $12,700 in fines to Sky. Undaunted, she sued, arguing that restricting her choice of satellite providers violates the free trade standard of the European Union. Cheers to you Lady Murphy!

Let us all bow our heads and hope that Big Brother Rupert doesn't transform back to his 1960s alter-ego

(The Mastermind... RODAK!) and send his horde of shadowy Lugo Men for the gutsy Pompey broad!

Also in Britain, it’s worth noting that England’s most successful club – Liverpool – are perched precariously in the relegation zone as they prepare to face cross town rivals Everton – also near bottom – Oct. 17. If you’re a Scouser (a native of Liverpool), it doesn’t get any worse than this. Well.... it could, if the derby ends in a draw, and all three clubs around them win. That'd leave the Liverpudlians joint bottom of the table. Woe to Scouse-land.

NEWS FLASH: Liverpool's board have agreed to sell the club to the owner of the Boston Red Sox!

But then again you could be a Gooner (a supporter of Arsenal). Those unlucky bastards had to sit through the sixth consecutive dismantling last weekend by the flamingly-Gheri curled Didier Drogba and his gang of Chel$ki savages. Here’s insight into another toothless Arsenal performance of sublime mediocrity… their starting striker, defender, and captain were all laid up injured - attending OTHER sporting events!

Even Kobe put in six minutes!

And speaking of missing in action, let’s stop briefly in the Motherland, where CAFeter – my name for the useless Confederation of African Football – has again shown a lack of leadership by ignoring the Nigerian government's meddling in Nigerian football affairs – a massive no-no to FIFA. As if he had nothing better to do, The King had to interrupt a "counseling session," get involved, and indefinitely suspend Nigeria from all international competition.

This follows on the heals of FIFA having to step in again for CAFeter last month after it was discovered that a fake Togo team took part in an official friendly with Bahrain. You'll remember that CAFeter brandished it's bizarro style of leadership in January when it banned Togo (them again) for pulling out of the African Cup of Nations after Togo's team bus was attacked by Angolan gunmen, and three members of the delegation were killed. Again, it was FIFA King Sepp Blatter who personally cleaned up this idiotic CAFeter catastrophe.

Something that needs no clean-up is my favorite (but still yet to visit) US pitch - Philadelphia Union’s "People Park," which is embroiled in a new controversy. Apparently the Sons of Ben – the Philly supporters group so fervent that they formed three years before the club took the field – have been using offensive language in its songs during matches. Philly fans! Using offensive language?!?! Unheard of!

And now, your footie anecdote:

Bolivian President Evo Morales graciously agreed to play in a friendly between his party and his political rivals as part of the christening of a newly renovated La Paz stadium. But as we’ve heard time and time again, it’s all fun and games until someone gets hurt. And when a crunching tackle was administered to one of his teammates, Morales, THE PRESIDENT OF THE FRIGGIN COUNTRY….. kneed his opponent ... in the nuts.

CLASS DISMISSED