Tuesday, November 30, 2010

ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS THE 2022 WORLD CUP

Get out your check books credit cards and spend with reckless holiday abandon class, it’s time for Footie 101.

The football world has suddenly become as strange and confusing to The FP as testimoy to the Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer. Things that were straight have become crooked, and up has become down. It can only mean one thing… football’s Darth Sidious has risen from his figurative crypt to pull the strings of the Beautiful Game once more.

Yes, the Brazilian capo dei capi Joao Havelange has returned!

The first reported sighting took place just before one of the biggest dates in world football that most schmoes know nothing about – Soccerex. It’s essentially THE world football convention and Darth Havelange – the man credited with making football a global financial juggernaut AND wrestling total control of the Beautiful Game from Europe – emerged from the crypt just before and during to say that he talked Brazilian Football Confederation president Ricardo Teixeira out of contesting the FIFA presidency next year, but has encouraged Teixeira (his son-in-law - yeah, that's right) to run in four years.

More than being a significant decree that immediately shook the footie world, the timing must be noted. It came a couple weeks before FIFA will choose the host nations for the 2018 and 2022 WCs. Given the intrigue and shenanigans taking place in the buildup to Thursday morning’s announcement, Darth’s comments must be recognized.

You see the election for FIFA president takes place in June 2011 and some of the likely challengers to FIFA King Sepp Blatter’s third term reign have already publicly backed down to avoid jeopardizing the chances of the WC bids they are actively promoting. None stands out more than Asian Football Confederation’s powerful president and FIFA executive committee member Mohamed Bin Hammam, who flirted with challenging King Sepp, but demurred to keep hope alive for the Qatari 2022 bid.

Meanwhile, others have already all but announced their intention to oust King Sepp. Most notable was South Korean Football Vice President Chung Mong-Joon, who also happens to run the Hyundai Empire. Joon has repeatedly suggested his firm (but not official) intention to defy The King in 2011. Despite his billions, I foresee a tragic end for Joon’s FIFA aspirations. Do the words “Sell Mortimer, sell!” mean anything to you…?

All but rewarded for services rendered is South African World Cup Chairman Danny Jordaan, whose uncontested ascent to S. African Football’s vice presidency took place over the weekend. Despite recent controversy over vote trading for the upcoming WC vote, Jordaan readily admits he used it to get the WC to S. Africa. Having successfully hosted the WC, Jordaan’s new post makes him eligible for a seat on the nearly all-powerful FIFA executive committee… in 2011 – the circle is now complete.

I say the executive committee is NEARLY all-powerful because as we know, The King runs this. And who made the king? That’s right, Darth Havelange.

Meanwhile, the jockeying and vote collusion is intensifying right up until Thursday’s vote. The most recent thunderbolt was a BBC investigative report that aired Monday called “FIFA’s Dirty Secrets.” It alleges that three top FIFA executive committee members have taken bribes in the past, or improperly scalped WC tickets. The allegations have even precipitated an official investigation from the bastions of above board sport operations – the International Olympic Committee.

Needless to say, the England bid organizers, who’ve known about the report for weeks, are struggling to maintain that much vaunted stiff upper lip. Odds makers have England third best likely to land the 2018 showcase behind Russia and the joint Spain-Portugal bid. But the Russkies have their own alleged problems.


Meanwhile, Qatar bid chief advocate Bin Hammam has accused various media outlets of conspiring through a “hidden war” to scuttle the desert nation’s chances. But then recent reports put Qatar as the odds on favorite for 2022.

Qatar’s chief rival for 2022 is the US-of-A. Despite dissing Qatar as an over-heated deathtrap, US bid organizers have deftly added political firepower and Hollywood paparazzi to their bid in its closing stages. Former US President (and still global pimp) Bill Clinton will deliver the bid presentation. Meanwhile, America’s current voice of god Morgan Freeman will add his calming baritone to the presentation.

The rival bid responses: Qatar added another camel to the caravan delivering its’ bid, some fresh dates, and complimentary shoe-sand removers for all visitors; Australia will insert a caveat into its new proposed law banning smoking in public places that would allow chain-smoking Europeans and Asians to suck on their cancer sticks all they want in calendar 2022; and S. Korea promised to postpone the start of a thermonuclear war with its neighbors to the north until after 2022.

And the Japanese bid response…

It’s all so tasty… so I suggest you saddle up to your television Thursday around 9:30 a.m. for the festivities. FYI, people stateside will have their choice of networks to watch for the announcement. I suggest Fox Soccer Channel, which will have a pre-announcement show on the day before and lengthy pre- and post-announcement coverage on announcement day.

Meanwhile, the World Wide Leader (in American sports)’ self-confessed new focus on the Beautiful Game is sadly inadequate for the magnitude of the announcement. Despite being the official television partner of the WC in the US, the WWL(IAS) is only carrying the live announcement. As of now, it’s not clear which WWL(IAS) channel will carry the announcement, but I put my money on ESPN2. Others believe it’ll be on the WWL(IAS) live online stream ESPN3. If that’s the case, it is yet more evidence that they have no clue what they’re doing with our sport.

UPDATE: You can watch the bid presentations (which began Wednesday) at this FIFA link!

Lastly, it’s worth noting that the long struggle in Spain to share top flight football television revenues evenly in La Liga (instead of predominantly between the two big dogs of Barcelona and Real Madrid)… continues. Readers of the blog will remember The FP mentioning that other La Liga clubs were threatening to excommunicate the big two if they did not agree to more equitable TV revenue sharing. In response, the big two offered to reduce their 40% share to 34%. How generous.

Most of La Liga has acquiesced. But six clubs are holding out for a better deal and The FP salutes them.

And now, your football anecdote.

An English club manager has decried his team as the worst in Britain after conceding 227 goals in 11 matches. Madron FC Manager Alan Davenport made the admission after a 55-0 hammering to Illogan Reserves. Said Davenport: “I know everyone is probably laughing at us… (but) we have no plans to stop.” Asked about his players continued interest despite repeated shellackings, he added: “Fair play to them for showing up.”


CLASS DISMISSED

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Legends Born as Paul RIP In Paul Gascoigne's Locker

Good eeeeeeeeevening class. Bear your necks and prepare to be drained! It’s the special All Hallows Weekend edition of Footie 101!

Boo!

In keeping with the spooky prospects of the weekend, it must be noted that the week is bookended by the scariest coming together in the world of footie – the respective 70th and 50th birthdays of the two greatest footballers that ever lived - Edson Arantes do Nascimento (affectionately known to the world as Pele) and Diego Armando Maradona (the tortured genius).


Many of you have waited patiently for The FP to lecture on why I see Pele, and not Maradona, as the greatest of all time. But because of a flood of noteworthy footie info, today will not be that day. (It is worth noting that as bizarre as it sounds, Good Ole Diego has lost even more of his mind!)

Instead, I have lots of little items to bring to your attention.

First, a sad note. This week, the footie world lost one of its rising stars. Paul The Octopus lost his long fight with degenerative cartilage disease. He was 2 ½.



Next, the FIFA WC bid scandal continues to grow like a spawning plume of deadly Aussie jellyfish. It’s gotten so bad that Sony is considering withdrawing its sponsorship of the WC, and the International Olympic Committee (that the bastion of rightness and above-board operations) is offering its advice to FIFA King Sepp Blatter. Now isn’t that the pedophile calling the rapist a sex offender!


Meanwhile, more FIFA executives are continuing to stupidly get caught giving interviews telling the world just how corrupt the bidding process for the 2018 and 2022 WCs really is.The Sunday Times, the UK paper that caught two FIFC executive committee member asking for cash in exchange for their votes on Dec. 2, also taped FIFA’s former general secretary, Michel Zen-Ruffinen saying other executive committee members could be influenced by cash, another could be influenced by “ladies” and describing one as “the biggest gangster you will find on earth.” Shocking... absolutely shocking!
And then there’s the tat-a-tat between England and Russia. Apparently, the Russkies accused the Limeys of being violent drunkards (see pedophile calling rapist sex offender). But it’s all better now after the head of former Soviet footie said “Fucski! Can’t we all just drink and destroy property together?”
They should have sent deported Russian spy Ana Chapman to mediate..... now that's my kinda detente, indeed.

As for the allegations that the Spain-Portugal and Qatar bid groups have colluded to improve each other’s chances of being selected – a major no-no according to FIFA regulations, Zen-Ruffinen said: "This is not just a rumor, it is fact."

Of course, both bid groups deny the allegation.


Meanwhile, The FP thinks certain bids from certain Middle East nations are getting away with one this week, after American swimmer Fran Crippen died from exertion and high water temperature during a race in the United Arab Emirates. Now I know the bid officials from a certain Middle Eastern nation have made repeated assurances that the temperatures there will be mediated by technology, but the average hi-low in June is 106-81 and in July is 115-84… and Crippen died in OPEN WATER!

Then, there’s the Delusional Down Under Movement, which continues to… delude, as Aussie bid leaders are being praised for staying above the fray. This despite having been embroiled in its own FIFA bribery allegation, and having several teams in its top flight footie league teetering, or diving headlong into oblivion. Besides, would you really want to play the WC where Super Cross racing is venerated?


In Europe, Manchester United has moved to put the clean part of Rooneygate behind it by starting rumors that manager Sir Alex Ferguson is quietly recruiting “Barrrthelona” manager Pep Guardiola as his replacement.

Self-appointed replacement Jose Mourinho immediately announced the creation of an exploratory committee for an even better job.


And of course, with Liverpool FC being bought by Red Sox owner John W. Henry, we can expect improved results… and an increase in on-field homo-erotica.

Then there's disgraced former England striker Paul Gascoigne, who tried his best to emulate Charlie Sheen this week, but failed to bring his own porn star to the party. It's just so sad.... so sad.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, the MLS is going through an interesting growth/contraction – highlighted by the World Wide Leader in American Sports. New figures indicate that while attendance at MLS matches has increased 4 percent over the previous season, viewership on ESPN has dropped 12 percent. (Viewership on Fox Soccer Channel remains steady, but not growing).

Again, The FP calls for TWWL to either embrace the game as it is, or leave it alone. Otherwise, they’ll drive footie interest somewhere between Ishtar and Waterworld.

And now, your Mid-term elections inspired… footie anecdote. Even in Winnipeg, Canada, election campaign ads can take on frightening footie overtones. Think not? Sample this little ditty targeted at incumbent Mayor Sam Katz.

 


 
CLASS DISMISSED!

Sunday, October 24, 2010

The Greed That Greed Created

One side class; I’m on a mission from god – and that mission is called… Footie 101!

As my UK peeps would say, the club season is starting to “hot up.” But perhaps the Spanish “caliente” better describes what’s been happening in the world of football.
Just since we last met, there’s been: a FIFA cash-for-World Cup-votes scandal (wake me when there’s NOT a FIFA scandal); a pantomimed player strike in Italy’s Serie A (stopped as soon the right amount of lira landed in the right accounts); a top player demanding more money because his teammates aren’t good enough (that’s Mr. Potato Head logic); and love blossoming between a national team manager and the female reporter covering his latest friendly.

Let’s start there, with US Coach Bob Bradley making goo-goo eyes at Worldwide Leader in American Sports reporter (and former US women’s world cup winner) Julie Foudy. Am I the only one who noticed old Bob casting his heavenly grey-hazel-eyed gaze in J-Fo’s direction?

Pre-game:

Post-game:

We’ll get another chance to check on whether Le Bob shoots her the “strike hither” eyes again when the US plays South African in a possibly vuvuzela-less friendly Nov. 17.

Meanwhile, FIFA is in a tizzy caused by “devils,” according to King Sepp Blatter. Two members of the committee that will choose what nations host the 2018 and 2022 world cups have been suspended while FIFA continued to investigate claims in a British newspaper that they were willing to vote for certain bidding nations in return for donations.

Nigerian Federation President Amos Adamu allegedly (and unknowingly) asked an undercover Sunday Times reporter for $800,000 to fund a personal project in exchange for his vote. Tahiti's Reynald Temarii, a FIFA vice-president, allegedly asked for a cool $2.4 million to fund a sports academy.

This of course, throws the coming Dec. 2 vote on who’ll host the cups into a whirlwind. And all this follows the withdrawal of the US’ 2018 bid and England’s 2022 bid within hours of each other. FIFA “strongly prohibits” vote trading (unless it works to the benefit of his chosen destination), so the US stepping out of 2018 to focus on 2022 – reported to The FP in a previous blog – is not being investigated.

That’s not the case with the joint Spain-Portugal bid, or the Qatar bid – both of which are being investigated on charges they’ve colluded… you know, in the same way the Anglo-Allianced US and UK likely did… but more swarthy.

Barring a FIFA palace coup, expect the Brits to host in 2018 and the Yanks to host in 2022. So it has been written… so it shall be done!

Meanwhile, Manchester United and England striker Wayne Rooney held his club to ransom
 last week to distract from the fact that his top sponsors are dropping him like a lepor with a bad cough after allegations surfaced that he had sex with a prostitute while his wife was pregnant with their child.

Acting like he was disappointed with the club’s ambitions (they’ve only won the three Premier Leagues, the Champions League, and three league cups since his arrival six years ago), Rooney said his teammates were not good enough and that the club wasn’t adding enough world class talent – so he wanted to leave. Given his value, there are realistically only a handful of clubs in the world that could afford him – Real Madrid, Barcelona, Inter and AC Milan, Chel$ki, and cross-town rivals Manchester City.

Flush with cash from a Middle East oil tycoon, Citeh have been buying any quality player with a pulse for nearly the past two years, and immediately emerged as odds on favorites to scoop Rooney up in the January transfer window.

The classy Manchester supporters who’ve sung his name in wave after wave of United-winning rhapsody, responded by storming his home in the night, like villagers after Dr. Frankenstein. They added protest signs…

… and life-threatening graffiti to their tasteful protests.

In the same week, supporters of Arsenal FC gave a standing ovation when former Arsenal striker Eduardo scored against them in the UEFA Champions League for Shakhtar Donetsk. They’d also sung his name all during the match. That, class, IS class.

Now, there’ve been many ghoulish supporter demonstrations (Liverpool supporters burning the American flag to protest against former owners George Gillette and Tom Hicks,

or ManUre fans burning American owner Malcolm Glazer in effigy).

But in light of United supporters’ recent actions I must tender an apology to Chelsea supporters, who I’ve taken to calling “savages.” The mantle now rests solely with supporters of Manchester United Football Club… until of course such time that Dirty Blue supporters rightfully reclaim the title.

And of course last is the Italian Strike that Never Happened. Serie A players threatened for weeks to bring the league to a halt over collective bargaining terms. Supposedly an agreement was reached on six of the eight terms being debated.

To this, The FP says phooey, and points to the fact that the Lazio-Milan derby was scheduled for the same weekend as the strike. Had the strike progressed, all that lovely television revenue for Il Duce (Senore Silvio Berlusconi) would have vanished. And we all know, Senore loves his revenue like FIFA loves the haze of foggy, murk-draped election processes.













And now, your Rooney-inspired footie anecdote:

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

CAFeter Catastrophe Part III, A Dry Oktoberfest, & A Hardman Head-of-State

Class, your pleas for clarity, and prayers for deliverance have been answered. ‘Scuse me while I whip this out… It’s time for Footie 101!

I’ll dispense with my now tiresome excuses as to why it’s been so long since my last post. Needless to say, The FP is doing distasteful things for his money. Mind you, there are no narcotics, or sexual favors, and white slavery’s not involved, but it is leaving an increasingly foul taste in my mouth. To the new job mobile… let’s goooooo!

I suppose my last post (the epic tome on the history of the Beautiful Game) left me spent and devoid of inspiration. Even so, I have to say the first couple of months of the club season have been rather dry. Aside from a few broken legs, a double goalkeeper meltdown (my protégé LOVES this story!), and the tantalizing sleaze that is Rooney-gate, not much has been going on.

By the way… it’s October. Where’s that review of goal line technology promised by FIFA King Sepp Blatter? As predicted right here by The FP, Hades will endure a record dip in humidity before The King makes the game more accountable. All hail The King!
Speaking of October, it is a sad day when the fine lads of Bayern München are performing so poorly in this year’s Bundesliga, that their Dutch manager is not allowing them their traditional visit to Oktoberfest. The only sure fire thing I know that can cheer up a sad Bavarian in Germany (like Quebec in Canada, or Catalan in Spain) is Oktoberfest. LET THEM DRINK! (everybody) LET THEM DRINK!!

Also needing a drink by now is the FIFA committee making site visits to nation’s bidding to host the 2018 and 2022 World Cups. The latest word is that England, Russia and the USA are the leading contestants. There are increasing murmurings that a closed-door deal is being worked for the US to withdraw from contention for 2018, clearing the way for England 2018 and solidifying votes for USA 2022. That would leave the Russkies high dry and wondering why their “vodka-fueled, 13-year-old virgin sex slaves chained to a Moscow hotel radiator” lobbying campaign didn’t work.

Given that the Yanks have whipped the Limeys twice (wars of independence and 1812 in case you were asleep in your fourth grade history class) and the Cossacks once reeeeeeeally slowly (Cold War), I say we take em on again head-to-head and let the red cards fall where they may! By the way, if for some reason I'm found “floating” face down in my bath tub, body defaced with Siberian prison tattoos BEFORE the December FIFA vote, you’ll know which nation will host BOTH WCs. Ahhh, those pranksters from the former Soviet Union...

Other bidding nations have fared far worse. Japan's effort, for example, is hardly registering. Too much emphasis on technology I'm told. Fear not Nippon! No bid, no nation, no person is perfect - even the FP has faults. Among my duo of shortcomings… spite.

Some of you know that The FP spent a fruitless, if near-deadly spell Down Under. I say fruitless because I’d hoped to contribute to the growth of football in Oz. But I was spurned and left Aussieland unfulfilled.

Now, one of two things happens when I leave a place for good – something really good (Atlanta), or something really, really bad (Cleveland). And as much as I love the Buckeye state, it touched me in the morning; then just walked away. Since I left, Cleveland's economy sank into the the toilet, its housing prices collapsed, and its schools continue to… (shall we say) suck sweaty donkey balls.

Now I cast no ju-ju (good or bad) upon my departed residences, but I have to say the calamity that has befallen the Aussie World Cup bid is just deserts.

You see after starting their bid campaign quite strong, they’ve fallen off the pace. In addition to being investigated by FIFA for unsanctioned lobbying, and their regional confederation president backing the rival bid from (LOL) Qatar, the H-League (Australia’s top flight football) is teetering (what a naughty word) on the brink of collapse.


FIFA No Like!

And I have so say it couldn’t happen to a more deserving football federation. That icky substance dripping sarcastically from my fingers…. Yep, you guessed it.

On another WC note, the World Wide Leader in American Sports has released new numbers indicating that 160 million Americans watched the World Cup on the network, through its web presence (ESPN3), or through ESPN’s stream to handheld devices. That’s a 41 percent increase over the 2006 U.S. viewership of the WC. They also reported an average American viewership of 3.3 million for each WC match, and that 24.7 million Yanks watched the final. Strangely, 5.7 million in the States watched the Nigeria-South Korea and Greece-Argentina games June 22. The only sense I can make of this is that there was a momentary unholy alliance between two of The FP’s nemeses. That’s right – Dear Leader and Diegoooooooo!
 

I know…. I know; Kim Jong-Il is from North Korea. But this moment of whimsy allowed me to mention two of the blog’s favorites subjects. To them I say: "ê±´ë°° snknknknknk." (that’s cheers in Korean followed by the sound of Diego Maradona indulging in his favored pastime - no, not smoking).

Back in Europe, there’s a tasty legal case developing that could scuttle Rupert Murdoch’s $2.56 billion near-monopoly of English Premier League broadcasting rights. In an attempt to increase traffic to her establishment, Portsmouth pub owner Karen Murphy subscribed to Sky Sports, only to find the fee rocket to more than $1,500-a-month. To keep the pub traffic, but cut the Sky expense, she illegally used a Greek cable box subscription card to gain access to the matches.

When she was caught (Big Brother Rupert IS watching!) she had to pay about $12,700 in fines to Sky. Undaunted, she sued, arguing that restricting her choice of satellite providers violates the free trade standard of the European Union. Cheers to you Lady Murphy!

Let us all bow our heads and hope that Big Brother Rupert doesn't transform back to his 1960s alter-ego

(The Mastermind... RODAK!) and send his horde of shadowy Lugo Men for the gutsy Pompey broad!

Also in Britain, it’s worth noting that England’s most successful club – Liverpool – are perched precariously in the relegation zone as they prepare to face cross town rivals Everton – also near bottom – Oct. 17. If you’re a Scouser (a native of Liverpool), it doesn’t get any worse than this. Well.... it could, if the derby ends in a draw, and all three clubs around them win. That'd leave the Liverpudlians joint bottom of the table. Woe to Scouse-land.

NEWS FLASH: Liverpool's board have agreed to sell the club to the owner of the Boston Red Sox!

But then again you could be a Gooner (a supporter of Arsenal). Those unlucky bastards had to sit through the sixth consecutive dismantling last weekend by the flamingly-Gheri curled Didier Drogba and his gang of Chel$ki savages. Here’s insight into another toothless Arsenal performance of sublime mediocrity… their starting striker, defender, and captain were all laid up injured - attending OTHER sporting events!
Even Kobe put in six minutes!

And speaking of missing in action, let’s stop briefly in the Motherland, where CAFeter – my name for the useless Confederation of African Football – has again shown a lack of leadership by ignoring the Nigerian government's meddling in Nigerian football affairs – a massive no-no to FIFA. As if he had nothing better to do, The King had to interrupt a "counseling session," get involved, and indefinitely suspend Nigeria from all international competition.

This follows on the heals of FIFA having to step in again for CAFeter last month after it was discovered that a fake Togo team took part in an official friendly with Bahrain. You'll remember that CAFeter brandished it's bizarro style of leadership in January when it banned Togo (them again) for pulling out of the African Cup of Nations after Togo's team bus was attacked by Angolan gunmen, and three members of the delegation were killed. Again, it was FIFA King Sepp Blatter who personally cleaned up this idiotic CAFeter catastrophe.

Something that needs no clean-up is my favorite (but still yet to visit) US pitch - Philadelphia Union’s "People Park," which is embroiled in a new controversy. Apparently the Sons of Ben – the Philly supporters group so fervent that they formed three years before the club took the field – have been using offensive language in its songs during matches. Philly fans! Using offensive language?!?! Unheard of!

And now, your footie anecdote:

Bolivian President Evo Morales graciously agreed to play in a friendly between his party and his political rivals as part of the christening of a newly renovated La Paz stadium. But as we’ve heard time and time again, it’s all fun and games until someone gets hurt. And when a crunching tackle was administered to one of his teammates, Morales, THE PRESIDENT OF THE FRIGGIN COUNTRY….. kneed his opponent ... in the nuts.


CLASS DISMISSED

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Thanks To The Han Dynasty, The Bard and Pele's Great Expression

Turn on, tune in and drop out class, Footie 101 is in session.

Many of you have probably wondered where the lecturing has gone, as the Footie Prof has spent most of the time bringing you up to speed on vital current events in the footie world. So today I lecture. But I want to open future lecture topics up to suggestions from you - the class. So if you think of a LEGITIMATE subject you’d like to see the Footie Professor slide tackle, please leave a comment, or sent a note to: thefootieprofessor@gmail.com.

Today’s lecture will be a not-so-quick history lesson on the origins of our beloved game. If you don’t have the time, you may want to come back to this post when you do. If you do have time, grab some munchies and plentiful beverages… I’m about to drop some footie knowledge!

Class, it’s first important to note that ball games date back at least 3,000 years. In pre-Columbian Meso-America, the Aztecs played a game called Ulama – though the game was played primarily with the hips and scoring was done in a wall-mounted hoop, similar to basketball.

Unfortunately the losing team captain is believed to have been sacrificed, not unlike French World Cup Captain Patrice Evra and Le Sulk himself Nicolas Anelka… The courts where these life-and-death matches were contested still spot the landscape of Mexico today.

A more direct (and FIFA recognized) origin comes from 206 BC China, where both men and women in the Han Dynasty were known to play a game called Cuju (literally “kick ball”). Then, as now, the ball was made of panels of leather sewn together. It was inflated with hair and other soft fillings rather than air. A variation of the game called Kemari was later documented in Japan. It’s still played ceremonially today.

How this ancient Chinese practice found its way to Europe is unknown, but let’s remember that trade between Asia and Europe via the “Silk Road” dates back to (you guessed it) the Han Dynasty.

Next up, the Greeks and Romans (who both traded with Asia) were strong proponents of games. The Greeks, the earlier of the two civilizations, played a game called Episkyros, while the Roman incarnation was called Harpastum, but both were ball carrying games.

While trading in Asia, both the Greeks (roughly 200-86 BC) and Romans (753 BC-476 AD) also interacted with Western Europe. At its height, the Roman Empire encompassed modern Britain and even gave it the name “Britannia.” The Latin version of the name was coined by the ancient Greek Pytheas around 320 BC – Han Dynasty anyone?

The ancient Roman era marked a high point in European civilization and culture, and Rome used its extensive knowledge – partially cobbled together from previous great civilizations such as the Egyptians – wherever its empire reached. When the empire fell, portions continued to function in Central Europe as the Holy Roman Empire and in Eastern Europe, as the Byzantine Empire, but Western Europe descended into what is commonly known as The Dark Ages – 400s-700s AD.

This period is marked by a massive technological, sociological, economic, and cultural devolution of European society. Imagine the US, Canadian and Mexican governments dissolving and North America regressing back to the knowledge and reality of 1700s – more like the 1400s. Think that Lexus would be replaced by horse? My friend, you’d be walking!


If you’re thinking the Dark Ages were knights in shining armor, you’re wrong. This is the period before medieval nobility. Europeans essentially went from having running water in their homes to not even knowing to boil water to purify it. Water was so contaminated then from people using rivers and ponds as their toilets and garbage heaps, that the only thing considered safe to drink was beer and wine.

There were few actual cities in Western Europe then. Most people – peasants – lived in small communities in the countryside. They lived off what they could grow and scavenge.

This era lasted until the Middle Ages, roughly the 800s-1300s, which encompasses the Classical, Medieval, and Modern period. Next came the rapid technological, cultural and social advancement called the Renaissance, which ran roughly from the 1300-1600s. It was during this period that the British Empire emerges and the first records in England appear citing a game that is the direct predecessor of modern football.

Through it all, some form of pre-modern football was being played throughout Europe. It’s not too much of a stretch to assume that some form of the Roman ball game continued to be practiced into the Renaissance.

After all, it’s a pretty simple concept. Two opposing groups of people kick a ball into opposing goals. Even the poorest of people can find resources to play this game. And living in rural England during the Dark and Middle Ages… you were PPPPoooooooooe! People worked for their daily sustenance from sunup to sundown. The average life expectancy was 40. And the game was as rough as life was then.

A competition known as Shrovetide Football was played in Britain as early as the 1100s. Still played today, it occurs annually on Shrove Tuesday and Ash Wednesday in the town of Ashbourne in Derbyshire, England. A popular theory of its origin suggests the ghoulish notion that the ball was originally a severed head tossed into the waiting crowd following an execution.

Shrovetide is believed to be a more ritualized occurrence of Mob Football, which emerged during the Middle Ages (some believe the game began as early as the 700s) and typically took place between neighboring villages and towns. Looking more like a riot than a game, Mob Football was characterized by an unlimited number of players and few, if any, rules.

The violent matches eventually became so popular that they distracted peasants from practicing archery - peasants were often drafted involuntarily to fight for the crown and their primary weapon was the bow and arrow. King Edward II (1308-1327) eventually had enough and tried to squash Mob Football. He passed laws that promised imprisonment for anyone playing the game.

“For as much as there is a great noise in the city caused by hustling over large balls, from which many evils may arise, which God forbid, we command and forbid on behalf of the King, on pain of imprisonment, such game to be used in the city future.”

By then, European cities had started to grow again, and the emerging industry of those cities was threatened by workers distracted by football – not to mention the destruction the game would reap in the smaller, confined spaces of a city. Edward II’s prohibition of “hustling of large balls” was also an attempt to protect local merchants. His decree was followed by similar actions by English kings Edward III, Henry IV, Henry VI, and James III of Scotland.

Laws failed to stem rural and city football, so by 1681, the crown relented and sanctioned its practice. This took place as the British Empire was continuing to expand, which ironically lent to the continued growth of footballs’ popularity. During this time it was even introduced into English public schools in order to keep young boys orderly and fit.

Though there were other popular sports in Britain, football was the game of the common man during the Industrial Revolution (1700s-1800s). Life of common people changed significantly during this time from daily rural labor for livelihood, to factory work that sometimes left workers with surplus time and money.

They usually worked every weekday, a half day Saturday and had Sunday off- but Sunday was for church. This revolutionary change in daily life introduced the first glimpses of leisure time to working class people. Football became an inexpensive practice and even spectator activity to blow off steam and be entertained. Many workers guilds were the impetus to the creation of football clubs still operating today.

And as British sailors, preachers, adventurers, and speculators took to the seas to spread empire, they often took the little round ball with them, acting as much as missionaries of the game as for God, or country. It is often said that English vicars (priests), arriving in the faraway colonies often left their ships with a bible in one hand and a football in the other.

Back home, by Britain’s Victorian Era (1837-1901), football was fully integrated into the ethos of the nation. Muscular Christianity, the notion that one’s physical masculinity brought them closer to God, helped solidify football in the mid 1800s along with the YMCA movement. Together, they took root in the United States a century later.

The mixture of football, empire and Muscular Christianity was so powerful, the effects are still being felt today. Though English sailors are known to have played the game in Brazil as early as 1874, Sao Paulo-born Englishman (and one-time Southampton player) Charles Miller is credited with introducing the game to Brazil. He left Brazil to study in England, but returned in the 1890s with two footballs and pushed workers of the London Bank and Railway Administration to organize teams.

Little more than a century later, Brazil is the most successful and celebrated footballing nation on the planet, having won five world championships. Miller is worshiped there as the “father” of their football.

It should be noted that variations of ball games were also being played in other parts of Europe through the Dark and Middle Ages and into the Renaissance (Italy for example). But England must be credited with formalizing the game that we all love today.

Even into the England of the 1800s, footie clubs had their own rules (which sometimes included use of hands and even carrying the ball), so each time a match took place, rules for that match had to be negotiated.

The first step toward standard rules in England came in 1862 when 12 London clubs met for that purpose. On Oct. 26, 1863, they formed The Football Association in London’s still-standing Freemasons' Tavern. By December, the organization still known as The FA today had agreed upon the original set of 13 comprehensive rules.

The founding clubs present at the first 1862 meeting were: Barnes, Civil Service, Blackheath, Blackheath Proprietary School, Crusaders, the original Crystal Palace, Forest of Leytonstone (later to become Wanderers), Kensington School, N.N. (No Names) Club (of Kilburn), Percival House (of Blackheath), and Surbiton. Charterhouse sent their captain, B.F. Hartshorne, but declined the offer to join.

Many of these clubs are now defunct. Others still play rugby, which split from association football at the final December 1863 meeting when the first FA treasurer, the representative from Blackheath, withdrew his club over the removal of two draft rules: one allowing running with the ball in hand, and the other obstructing tripping, holding and kicking opponents in the shins.

Other English rugby football clubs followed suit and didn’t join the FA, or left the FA and formed the Rugby Football Union in 1871. Coincidentally, the word “Soccer,” which we Yanks generally use to describe official football, is actually an English word! When the rugby lads broke away from the FA, official footballing people came up with soccer to distinguish official football from football rugby.

Literally soccer is a play on the word “Association or its abbreviation “Assoc” of Association Football. Drop the “A” from Assoc and add an “er” at the end, and you have the word “Soccer.” Take that you Imperialist Yorkshire Pudding Eating wankers.. I take that back. I like Yorkshire Pudding.

And at the risk of alienating my “Amuruken” readership, you should know that rugby is of course the father of American football – making the original football the grandfather of American football.

Ever wonder why a touchdown is called a touchdown, even though American football players don’t have to touch the ball down to score? Look no further than rugby, where the practice of touching the ball down after crossing the opponent’s goal line – or a “try” – is still practiced today.

Fellow Americans… don’t get me started on baseball’s cricket origins!

And for the record, original football has a long history in North America. When the Pilgrims arrived in North America in the 1600s, they noticed the native people playing a game called Pasuckaukohowog, which literally means “they gather to play ball with the foot.” By 1862, Oneida Club, the United States’ first official football club, was formed in Boston. A monument reportedly now stands on the Boston Common, where the Oneidas played home matches.

I’ve not seen it, but I understand there is a photograph in The National Soccer Hall of Fame and Museum (in Oneonta, N.Y.) of Civil War soldiers playing football (the original football) after a battle.

Back to the laws of the game, they’re determined by the International Football Association Board (IFAB), formed in 1886. Readers of this blog may recognize this as the organization that current FIFA King Sepp Blatter has said will consider integrating goal-line technology to help improve match officiating. I’ll believe it when I see it.

FIFA, the international football governing body, was formed in Paris in 1904 and had representatives admitted to the IFAB in 1913. The IFAB is now made up of four representatives from FIFA and one representative from each of the four British associations. Why? Despite dismantling their own empire, the English still feel they run everything. After all, at its peak, Britain was the most expansive empire in human history. It was so big, the sun never set on it!

But in 1872, Scotland cast an intuitive shadow on English football. That’s when the first official international football match took place in between Scotland and England in Glasgow. This match, which ended in a 0-0 draw, is credited with featuring the greatest evolution in the game's history.

At the time English football looked essentially like five-year-olds were playing. When one player had the ball, they’d advance up field until most of the opposition was upon them. They’d then hoof the ball far up field in hopes that a teammate would be able to take possession. This long ball tactic is sadly still the common style of English football.

But at that crucial 1872 match, the Scots….. (drum roll please)… PASSED THE BALL TO EACH OTHER!

The Scottish run and pass tactic shredded the English and was then heralded as the “combination game.”

It would later be expanded upon by the dominant Hungarian team of the 1950s known as the “Mighty Magyars” featuring Ferenc Puskas, the Brazilians of the late 50s and early 60s featuring Pele and Garrincha, the Dutch in the 70s with Johan Cruyff and “Total Football,” and now the current world and European champion Spain – which learned to play beautifully from Cruyff.

It’s important to note that although Pele is generally considered the greatest player of all time (I promise to revisit this debate at a later date), most Brazilians say Garrincha is the greatest Brazilian player of all time. Hmmm. Still, Pele first described football as Jogo Bonito, or “The Beautiful Game.” Who can’t appreciate that?!?


And even with all its flaws (and there are flaws aplenty), because it’s so beautiful, football remains wildly popular today. All you need is a ball (or a reasonable facsimile).
 
It’s better played with others, but you can play it by yourself. You don’t need money, equipment, or lots of space – just you and the ball. Same as it ever was.
And now for your special historic lecture footie anecdote:

The game was so popular in England that William Shakespeare was sprung. The Bard featured it in his play “The Comedy of Errors,” written sometime in the 1590s.

“Am I so round with you as you with me,
That like a football you do spurn me thus?
You spurn me hence, and he will spurn me hither:
If I last in this service, you must case me in leather.”

CLASS DISMISSED