Well, well... well class, jump in the hot tub with the Godfather of Soul cause it's time for Footie 101!The European club season kicked off Saturday with the English Premier League. Champions Chump$ki showed how they won the league last season by thrashing newly promoted lightweights West Bromwich Albion 6-0. West Brom is just good enough to have played in the Premiership three seasons since 2000, but just bad enough to never stay longer than two seasons. Walk out on the street and you’ll hear Chump$ki supporters crowing like they’ve already won the league – by beating up on West Brom.
On the other end of the scale was the invigorating performance by newly promoted minnows Blackpool, which spanked Wigan 4-0 - at Wigan. Now, Wigan is far from a powerhouse, but Blackpool is so tiny that its players had to wash their own uniforms last season. So here’s an extra big Big Up to everyone’s favorite new small-fry. Barring getting any points from our respective clubs, let’s all join in and hope this tiniest of tiny clubs can stay up this season.
Elsewhere, Aston Villa manager Martin O’Neill resigned days before the season kicked off – apparently angered that club owner Randy Lerner (who also owns the NFL’s Cleveland Browns) wouldn’t spend money on acquiring more players. O’Neill is considered one of the young bright lights in British football management, but apparently didn’t get the right kind of fire truck for Christmas as a child, and is now highly susceptible to throwing temper tantrums when he doesn’t get his way.
Immediately, rumors began circulating that US national team manager Bob Bradley was a favorite for the gig. US Soccer squashed that rumor straight away. Funny how fast a governing body can go from contemplating firing a manager, to desperately clinging to him.
Ever think seriously about breaking up with your significant other, and then plan an elaborate candle-lit dinner when you hear another suitor is sniffing around…? Yeah, just like that.Now Villa, which is loaded with great young English talent, took all the discord in stride and housed West Ham 3-0 Saturday. You’d think that would calm things down a bit, but when things seem like they’re turning a corner to stability, there is one man in world football that can take that calm and turn it into chaos. (Drumroll please...) Yes, class, it’s “Return of the Maradona!”
Our old friend, down-hill train wreck, and raving egomaniac Diego Maradona has instructed his European spokesman (who has one of those?!?) to openly offer his services. Said the spokesman:
"If the owner Randy Lerner wants to make him a serious offer, I am sure he would get a very positive response.”Lerner, who is widely considered the prototypical American owner of an English football club because he balances the books and gets results on the pitch, is no fool.
Said Lerner: “My milkshake brings all the fools to the club, fools to the club, fools to the club.” Those cackles you hear echoing from the air are Lerner’s guffaws showering down from his G4 jet as it crosses the Atlantic.On the international footie front, the FIFA committee visiting countries bidding to host the 2018 and 2022 world cups arrived in Russia this morning. Awaiting them as they exited their plane were cases of vodka, fresh Beluga caviar, and keys to five star hotel suites containing coked-out 13-year-old virgin sex slaves chained to a radiator.
You may expect me to somehow tie this suggestion to my well-documented disdain for Chump$ki owner and perennial baby seal soul-sucker Roman Abramovich, BUT YOU'D BE WRONG! Russian Prime Minister Vladamir Putin, whose lobbying is widely credited with luring the 2014 Winter Olympics to Sochi on the Black Sea, is the boogie man of this dream sequence.
Moments after Harry Been, CEO of the Holland-Belgium World Cup bid, described the Russian bid as “dangerous,” he was suddenly consumed by a sinister cloud of red smoke. A voice was heard emanating from the post-Soviet confilagration saying: “Iz dis dangerous enuff fir you, you vooden-shuwd monk, Da?!?” The pungent smell of vodka and caviar still lingers.
The remaining site visit schedule is:
Aug. 23-26: Britain
Aug. 30-Sept. 2: Spain and Portugal
Sept. 6-9: the United States
Sept. 13-17: Qatar
Meanwhile, bidding insiders are pointing at the England bid and laughing hysterically. British Prime Minister David Cameron has called FIFA King Sepp Blatter to say he will not be present to greet the site committee when it arrives next week. Cameron’s trivial excuse: His wife is near birth. King Blatter was heard to murmer: “Meh,” but insiders consider Cameron’s absence a serious snub and damaging to the already tumultuous bid from the nation that created the modern game.
The King has also gone on record to taunt the world over the goal-line technology he won't provide. Speaking last week at the Youth Olympics in Singapore, King Blatter said:
“My personal opinion on goal technology has never changed. If we have an accurate and simple system then we will implement, but so far we have not had a simple nor an accurate system."
He immediately added with a cheeky grin: “I got simple, right here!”
Sweden, however, is willing to risk the ire of his majesty by requesting that FIFA allow their referees to use live TV as an officiating aide in the Swedish football league this season. Said Swedish Football Association Chairman Lars-Ake Lagrell:
“We think that it (goal-line technology) is a worse alternative than simply giving the fourth official the possibility to look at the TV pictures. With that (use of the live television pictures), you have a team of officials who referee the game exactly as it is today, but this way they get something to help them.”
In keeping with controversial statements in this blog being immediately punished, Lars was promptly swooped from his Volvo convertible by a ravenous pterodactyl, never to be seen again.
His three widows – as allowed by Swedish law (in my dreams) – emulated lionesses who’ve had their cubs slaughtered by marauding males, and immediately went into estrus. Again, King Blatter muttered “Meh,” but then shocked the world by suggesting that he may abolish first round draws in time for the 2014 World Cup to encourage attacking play. The Footie Prof says: Play on player!
Not in need of fostering attacking play is Der Deutscher Fußball-Bund (German Football Association), which oversees Europe’s highest attended top flight league – the Bundesliga. Flush with cash from new television and marketing deals, and buoyed by balanced books, the Bundesliga can afford to keep its top stars and even recruit others without breaking the bank.
Though the transfer window is still open till the end of the month, nearly all top German stars from the World Cup - Arjen Robben, Edin Dzeko and Mesut Ozil - have rejected opportunities to transfer to other leagues. (UPDATE: Ozil has signed for Real Madrid) And others such as German Michael Ballack and Spaniard Raul have returned or transferred in.
Reflective of that wealth, 2009-10 UEFA Champions League runner-up Bayern München expects a 2009-10 turnover of about $450 million from its stadium alone. Double Prost!
Lastly, another big Big Up to the MLS, the New York Red Bulls and new signing Thierry Henry. This combo has spiked attendances and raised the performance at matches so much that whenever the Red Bulls play, new attendance records are set.
Saturday, a capacity 25,000 people packed into the new Red Bulls Arena to watch the Los Angeles Galaxy win 1-0. Among the luminaries at the star-studded bi-coastal fete were NBA Frenchman Tony Parker and his wife, some random chic nobody's ever heard of. Even injured Galaxy star David Beckham was in the house.
The previous week the Red Bulls visit to the Chicago Fire promoted a record 21,868 attendance at Toyota Park for that 0-0 draw. The lesson for today class: If you field quality, they will come.
A quick shout out to fellow blogger “We Like Tea.” If you dig your Earl Grays, Jasmines, herbals, or Darjeelings, this is the blog for you.
And now, your footie anecdote:
“I'm like any Brazilian: I like women and I like to go out and enjoy myself, which is why people can identify with me. The night has always been my friend. When I go out I feel good, then I always score goals.”
--- Former Brazilian Striking Impresario Romario on his fondness for nightlife
CLASS DISMISSED
Are you saying you're for the elimination for draws? Did you hit your head since the World Cup. I'm disappointed in you. There's no need to change the group stage of the World Cup. You'd probably see more defensive play in some cases. If you're an over matched team, wouldn't you play 10 behind the ball and take your chance at penalties? Just thinking out loud.
ReplyDeleteAnd "Mehmet Ozi"? Did you mean Mesut Oezil?