Dolce, Diego and Thuggish FC

Hide your wives, daughters and $200,000 sports cars class, The Footie Professor is back. And that can only mean it’s time again for … Footie 101.

First, a heart-felt apology for being away for so long, but The FP had to work on working. Besides, there hasn’t been any earth-shattering footie news, so you haven’t really missed much. During this down time between the World Cup and club season (also known as the Silly Season) the “news” has mostly been wild transfer rumors made up by “journalists” fictionalizing to keep their jobs. Better to know nothing than to fill your head full of crap, I say.

That said, the class’ old friend, defrocked Argentine Coach Diego Maradona, couldn’t just leave the stage gracefully after getting axed. Like countless underperforming coaches before him, (I’m talking to you Jar-Jar Domenech!) Diego showed his lack of class when he was shown the door.

You see Diego could have kept his job, but he wanted to keep his phat coaching staff and their phatter salaries. Argentinean Football “Jefes” Julio Grondona and Carlos Bilardo told him to cut back. Indignant as always, Diego refused and his contract was not renewed.

In typically grandstanding manor, Diego accused the duo of deception.

“Grondona lied to me. Bilardo betrayed me,” Diego said. “When we were in mourning, Bilardo was working in the shadows to get me fired.”

After stirring up dissent among the Argentine public – among whom Diego is worshiped (no exaggeration) as a god – Diego was able to get Bilardo to back down a bit. Bilardo was quoted yesterday saying that Diego can have his job back if he talks to Grondona… and cut his staff. Soooooo the Argentina footie freak show continues.

Here's another post-WC story that the The Footie Prof predicted! Check out the punitive measures heaped upon the North Korean team and its coach for not winning the World Cup - despite being ranked 103 in the world, and only making its second ever WC appearance (1966). The team, which finished the cup without a point, were reportedly berated for six hours on a stage in front of 400 officials. Then the players were forced to publicly criticize the manager before he was summarily shipped off to an:

A) Work camp B) Chain gang C) Construction crew D) All of the above

Beyond the tyrannical musings of Dear Leader Kim Jong-il and his progeny, I blame Portugal for the N. Korean players and coach's harsh punishment. You see the N. Korean team had a very respectful opening 2-1 performance against cup favorite Brazil. That raised hopes back home so much that Dear Leader sanctioned the extremely rare live broadcast of the next match against Portugal.

If you go back and watch the Brazil-N. Korea match, you’ll see how deferential the Brazilian players were to the N. Koreans. Having emerged from a lengthy dictatorship just 30 years ago themselves, Brazilians know that sport performances can mean life or death in a dictatorial nation. Even Pele – the greatest player of all time – was subjected to this. When top European clubs came calling for him in 1961, Brazilian Dictator Janio Quadros declared Pele a “national treasure,” and outlawed his exportation.

But Portugal, the Brazilian’s former colonizers, didn’t show the same character as their former subjects, and in true imperialist fashion hammered N. Korea 7-0 in that live broadcast. For me, the Portuguese (preening Muppets that they are) have blood on their hands.

Portuguese winger Anderson (who didn’t actually play at the WC because of injury), felt so much guilt that he crashed his $200,000 Audi R8 sports car early Saturday morning. Anderson could have literally been toasting em up as the N. Koreans were being dressed down and shipped off to labor camps. Ahhh, the symmetry of the Beautiful Game.

In other post-WC news, sponsors of the French national team have reached an out of court settlement to receive about $1.5 million in compensation. They'll be paid by the French Football Federation for the embarrassment of their brands being associated with the team’s shameful display at the World Cup. Adidas has already recouped about $2.2 million from the French. Why are there so many tree-lined boulevards in Paris, you ask? Ze Germans like to get paid in the shade!

In a more promising sign for the future of French football, I offer quick but hearty felicitations to the French U-19 team, which beat Spain 2-1 in the UEFA U-19 Championship Friday. And an equally stout “glückwünsche” to Germany, which claimed the FIFA U-20 Women’s World Cup Sunday.

Meanwhile, the FIFA site visits to nations bidding to host the 2018 and 2022 WC’s has begun. The FIFA committee has already run the rule over Nippon (that’s Japan to those that don’t know!) and Australia. The Aussies are a bit lucky because they were being investigated for plying FIFA wives with jewelry, but were cleared before their site inspection. Still, there is no joy in Oz-ville, as the president of their continental federation has publicly dissed them to support the Qatar bid. Said Asian Football Confederation President Mohammad Bin Hammam: “That’s not a bid…. That’s a bid.”

The remaining site inspections schedule is:

Aug. 9-12: Netherlands and Belgium
Aug. 16-19: Russia
Aug. 23-26: Britain
Aug. 30-Sept. 2: Spain and Portugal
Sept. 6-9: the United States
Sept. 13-17: Qatar

Here's another quick list for you containing the three remaining MLS friendlies with European super clubs – all broadcast live on Fox Soccer Channel (the best footie broadcaster in N. America).

Aug 5 - 9PM FC Dallas vs Inter Milan
Aug 6 - 8PM AC Milan vs Panathinaikos Athens
Aug 7 - 10:30PM Los Angeles Galaxy vs Real Madrid

Meanwhile, ESPN (the worldwide leader in American sports) is negotiating with Fox for a sublicense to broadcast some of the Barclays English Premier League matches through 2013. ESPN reached a similar agreement with Fox last season and tended to air the early Saturday and Sunday morning matches on ESPN2. Reportedly, it wants to add some mid-week matches to the deal. If Fox does sublicense again to ESPN, I hope they gouge them for every penny.... and make them air a weekly promo showing Alexis Lalas spit-shinning Shaka Hislop's Stacey Adams.

And speaking of better players, a quick welcome to Mexican defender Rafael Marquez, who has left Barcelona FC to join former Barca teammate Thierry Henry at MLS’ New York Red Bulls! Bienvenido Rafael! I smell an MLS cup coming to the Big Apple...

Even though Marquez and Henry have left Europe, there’s still footie news there! The International Football Association Board (IFAB) is actually moving ahead of FIFA to improve the officiating of matches (anticipatory gasp). The IFAB, which determines the laws of the game, IS… adding two more referees to UEFA Champions League matches (deflated sigh of disappointment). And in the distant vista of the setting sun is FIFA King Sepp Blatter’s promise to introduce goal-line technology…

More promising is the news that UEFA will require all European clubs to have a Supporter Liaison Officer (SLO) starting with the 2012-2013 season. The move is intended to reflect the importance UEFA has placed on fan relations. The Footie Prof applauds UEFA for this and hopes to see UEFA SLO’s going global. Imagine there being a Werder Bremen SLO in the United States, or a Bordeaux SLO in Canada. Suddenly Carabana just got Mo Better!

And there’s this multicultural tidbit that ze Germans have come to an understanding with Muslim groups that will allow professional Muslim footie players to break their fast during the holy Islamic month of Ramadan. You see, Turks are the largest ethnic minority in Deutschland and 99% of Turks are Muslim.

Among the players that took Germany to its’ second straight third place WC finish are German Turk Muslim midfielder Mesut Özil and defender Serdar Tasci. PROST to ze Germans for doing a better job of integrating their immigrants than France (whoa Nelly!) and even the good ole US of A.

And finally, Forbes has identified Manchester United as the wealthiest sport team in the world. Does wealth cometh before a fall? Ask the MLS All-Stars. At least the attendance (70,728) at the All-Star game was good. It reportedly is the fourth largest turnout for an all-star game in any American pro sport. Kudos to the MLS!

With that, it’s time for you footie anecdote…

Italian fashion house Dolce & Gabbana have agreed to design the official club suits to be worn by players and the manager of Chel$ki FC. Regular readers of The Footie Prof know I’ve often been hard on Chel$ki, its baby seal soul-sucking owner, and its’ thuggish players and fans. So you may be shocked and amazed that I bless this union. Thuggish footballers should be attired in thuggish haute couture. If you’re doubting D&G’s gangster credentials, even the Italian government has been after them for tax evasion! I wonder who’ll pay up first… D&G, or Diego? And now the circle is complete.

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