Peiking Nipple - Hidden Virtue

Class, your prof is no prude, so when sex rears its insidious head in our sport, it’s time for Footie 101.

In football as in life, no matter how bad things are, they can always get worse. In keeping with that bit of knowledge, that crowing sound you hear is that of Le Cockerel of Le French Football Federation – not in relief for moving forward from its dismal World Cup performance, but rather in despair for wallowing deeper in the FFF’s Summer of Shame.

French forward Karim Benzema and winger Frank Ribery (who should have to pay for sex) are being investigated by French authorities for having sex with an under-aged prostitute. Under typically clear French law, prostitution is legal, but it is illegal to knowingly have sex with a prostitute aged 17 or below – even though the age of consent is 15. A conviction carries a three year prison term and a $58,000 fine.

Enter Zahia Dehar, current French “It Girl” and former under-aged prostitute. Ms. Dehar, now 18, exploded onto the Franco pop culture landscape in early 2010 after giving an interview in which she bragged about having sex with the pair and un-indicted French player Sidney Govou. (Puff. Puff. Pass!) Ms. Dehar, a French-Algerian and not natural blonde, is also apparently trying to start a bikini-top fashion trend called “Peiking Nipple-Hidden Virtue.”

Said Ms. Dehar: “I loved them all – they spoiled me. I wasn’t truthful about my age. They should be left alone.” When initial reports of the series of trysts first broke, Ms. Dehar (intellectual that she is) wrote to French manager Raymond “JarJar” Domenech pleading that he not exclude her former clients from the World Cup team. The translated text of the letter can be read below.

Look to see Ms. Dehar enter US pop culture in 3… 2…

I hear Ochcocinco is still looking for a woman!

On a related note, FIFA is taking steps to keep nations from whoring themselves to (you guessed it) FIFA. Any effort to lobby FIFA members must now be preceded by a written request and subsequent approval to lobby them. This comes as the selection committee for World Cup 2018 and 2022 begins visiting all bidding nations (Australia, England, Russia, Spain-Portugal, Holland-Belgium, USA, Japan, Korea, and Qatar), and months after the Aussies plied FIFA executives’ wives with jewelry.

Nations have a long history of offering their wine, women and song to FIFA officials to win the right to host a World Cup. When Japan and S. Korea were competing against each other to host the 2002 World Cup, even foreign trade agreements were used to secure votes. Détente indeed Mr. Bond. The selection for the 2018 and 2022 World Cups takes place Dec. 11. Roll the dice... Sunil Gulati's baby needs a new pair of shoes!

No longer withholding his largess is baby seal soul sucker Roman Abramovich. The Chelsea FC owner and shadow sugar daddy of Russian football has agreed to pay Russian coach Gus Hiddink the $3 million he owed him. Abramovich had been supplemented Hiddink’s salary since 2006, but withheld the “incentive” after the Russian team failed to qualify for World Cup 2010. The change of “heart” took place after Hiddink threatened to sue the Russian Football Federation, which would likely derail their bid for a World Cup.

Remember class, the world revolves around FIFA – no matter how many rubles you stole or how many baby seal souls you consume.

In other omnipotent football news, AC Milan owner and Italian Emperor Silvio Berlusconi has told new manager Massimilliano Allegri that he must field two strikers in the coming campaign. Said a groveling Allegri: “Si senore… bless you senore!”

There’s also proof that pretty boy muppet Christiano Ronaldo has a sense of humor. When confronted by a journalist in New York about what Ronaldo’s girlfriend thinks of him fathering a child with an anonymous American, Ronaldo kept his cool.

In other American footie news, some 19.4 million people watched the USA's loss to Ghana in the World Cup, while 24.3 million people watched the final between Spain and the Netherlands – making it the most viewed men’s footie match ever in the US. Comparatively 22.3 million watched the decisive games in last year's baseball World Series, and 8.3 million watched this year’s Stanley Cup.

As part of its pre-season USA friendly tour, Manchester United players visited the Philadelphia Museum of Art – made famous by Sylvester Stallone in “Rocky.” United Keeper Edwin van der Sar is seen here inviting teammate Nani to a nearby seedy hotel for a “non-scheduled training session.”

Lastly, Atlanta has suddenly become the “It City” of US footie. An un-named English Premier League club is looking to start an MLS team there. Meanwhile city fathers have formed a secret society to use footie to raise Atlanta’s international profile. Really, they want to use Atlanta to join the international footie cabal, but speaking further on that will result in the loss of the professor’s thumbs. Hotlanta’s about to become a whole lot hotter!

And now, your footie anecdote – with thanks to Chilean football:

Class Dismissed