Anarchy, Shenanigans, and Phase One of a Vuvuzela Sex Change

Class, we’ve had an action and controversy packed weekend in world football, so let’s dive right in on Footie 101.

With the second round of the group stages of the World Cup nearly complete, the stress is beginning to show in several squads – and none has shown itself to be more irrevocably broken than France. This collection of talented but petulant players has raised the bar for live global implosion. It’s so bad that BP executives are quietly thanking the French Football Federation (FFF) for distracting the world from its Gulf Coast disaster.

Really it all started when the FFF appointed Raymond “Jar Jar” Domenech as coach six years ago. But as far as this tournament is concerned, the tipping point occurred Thursday after France were handled by Mexico (0-2). In the locker room, Jar Jar criticized striker Nicolas (Le Sulk) Anelka. Le Sulk, who plays his club footie for Chelsea in England, didn’t like the constructive criticism and shot back: “Go f@#k yourself you son of a whore.” Rather than providing a dignified response (like, say head butting him in the chest), Jar Jar manned up… and had Le Sulk sent home on the next plane. Bold… Decisive… French.

But, but, but, wait it gets worse! The next day, French captain and Manchester United defender Patrice Evra had 'de Gaul' to disagree with a team trainer while video cameras rolled. The trainer stormed off tossing his credentials to the heavens. Several have weighed in on the running train wreck – including French President Nicolas Sarkozy – and there’ve been a string of subsequent resignations, including team director Jean-Louis Valentin. But the resignation that’s needed, that’s wanted, that has to happen, remains un-submitted. Jar Jar, whasa yousa waitin for?!?

This Just In: The French team is training today like nothing has happened. Vive le France and pass the croissants!!!

Despite bringing team discord to new heights, the French have no exclusive lock on team turmoil. England and the Ivory Coast are also divided locker rooms. After England limped to a listless 0-0 draw Friday with lowly Algeria, the players were serenaded from the stands with boos from England supporters. Striker Wayne Rooney (known for his calm, and reasoned responses, or for paying for prostitutes – I forget which…) faced a live television camera and retorted: “nice to see your own fans booing you … If that's what loyal support is … for f@#k's sake."

Later in the dressing room, England princes William and Harry determined none of the team deserved to live and, upon exiting, called in assassin Pavlos Joseph, whose team-like incompetence spared them all. Said Prince William: “Harry and I left the door open, that's why it happened. It was our fault. We take responsibility.”

By Sunday, defrocked England captain and all-around worst teammate ever John Terry decided to lead a players revolt against England coach Fabio Capello. Terry (another Chelsea bad boy) claimed in a news conference that he’d confront Capello in the next team meeting. There was one small problem… there were no players following Terry. In fact, many senior players were incensed with Terry because he’s been a destructive locker room presence since being stripped of the captain’s armband in February.

As for the Ivoirians, well, team captain Didier Drogba (YET ANOTHER Chelsea bad boy) has determined he’s not been supplied enough curl activator to effectively coat his ego-inflated cranium and has been taking it out on his teammates.

Over at camp USA, they don’t have the luxury of infighting, as they’ve got their hands full staving off the specter of low-grade refereeing. Friday, USA were down 2-0 to Slovenia, when the Yanks staged a dramatic comeback, capped by an 82nd minute set piece goal by Maurice Edu. But Mali referee Koman Coulibaly (taking charge of his first World Cup match) called a foul on an un-named US player and the goal was disallowed. The match ended in 2-2.

Despite the horrid call, the US’s fate still rests in its own hands - beat Algeria Wednesday and they advance. But the universally recognized bad call sparked a passionate outburst in the United States not seen since Pele (the REAL best player of all time) graced these shores for a few seasons playing for the New York Cosmos. Yes, that’s right, Coulibaly from Mali (can you say Step N Fetchit!), has unified this footie-hating nation behind… footie! From coast to coast and across all sport platforms, the goal that wasn’t was all anyone could talk about.

Many pundits cautioned that US Soccer officials had to be reserved in their response, as the US is bidding to host the cup in 2018 or 2022. However, I believe that the bid actually empowers US Soccer's position. The 1994 World Cup remains the most heavily attended competition in its history. And this year's cup is marked by the largest number of tickets sold outside of S. Africa going to the ole US of A. Both of these things mean "Mo' Money" for FIFA, and if there's one thing FIFA loves, it's...

Don’t believe me… tell it to Step N Fetchit, who’s done for this World Cup.

Before I forget, the aforementioned US Bid for a future World Cup needs your help. So far half a million people have signed up to support the bid, but more people would help show FIFA that we mean business. So go to http://www.gousabid.com/  and register. Who knows… in about another decade, we’ll be doing all this in LA, Chicago, Kansas City, Atlanta and Philly!

A great honorable mention goes to the Kiwis of New Zealand, who took a shock 1-0 lead over defending champions Italy Sunday and finished with a 1-1 draw – the greatest result for the 78th ranked team in the world. Meanwhile, Italian striker Vincenzo Iaquinta ‘came out’ to his teammates after diving (as only Italians can dive), and scoring the equalizing penalty. After three more operations, he/she wants to be known simply as Shenanay.

Lastly, I’m endeavoring to post Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. So I’ll predict Tuesday and Wednesday’s matches now:

Mexico-Uruguay (0-0): Both advance with a draw, so bet your bottom burrito on this result.

France-S. Africa (1-0): The French muster some pride after receiving kickbacks of stinky cheese.

Nigeria-S. Korea (1-2): With nothing to play for, the ‘Super Eagles’ will start a Soul Train line in front of their own goal, through which Park Ji-Sung will worm and moonwalk the ball into the back of the net.

Greece-Argentina (0-3): What can I say? Messi likes baklava!

Slovenia-England (1-2): Despite stabbing random players in the neck, John Terry will score the winning header, swallow his tongue and turn a familiar shade of dirty blue.

USA-Algeria (3-1): US striker Edson Buddle finally starts, goes berserk and scores all three goals with pelvic thrusts.

Ghana-Germany (1-2): The one things Germans love more than David Hasselhoff... advancing in the Weltmeisterschaft!

Australia-Serbia (1-1): After Serbia’s early opener, the Socceroos respond: “You call that a goal? That’s a goal!”

And now, your football anecdote:

Today: Portugal hammered N. Korea 7-0. Leave it to the Portuguese to celebrate beating the tournament’s worst-ranked team (105 out of 202). The next worst team: host South Africa at 83.

CLASS DISMISSED