The Cream Always Rises

Quiet down class, you can drink and gossip on your own time. It’s my time when you’re in Footie 101!

Those of you who’ve been skating along this World Cup are at a crossroads. Now is the time to step up, or drop this class. And then there are the others among you who have all the ability to be nourished by all the Footie Professor has to offer, but have underachieved thus far. Not to worry class. The cream always rises to the top.

Let’s start with a story I thought I’d be done with today, but promises to drag on for months – like a tiny chocolate croissant pulled behind a broken down Le Car. The non-stop daytime soap opera that is Team France pouted their way to a 2-1 loss to hosts S. Africa yesterday. Bafana Bafana made the match quite watchable by pushing hard (but in vain) to get the 3 goal margin that would have seen them advance. They didn’t, but did the nation and the continent proud.

Despite losing (again) and embarrassing people with names like Claudette and Pierre, the Gauls continued to entertain – if you like sadomasochism! First French coach Jar Jar Domenech yanked six insubordinate players from the starting lineup – including captain Patrice Evra. Then linebacker Yoann Gourcuff was red carded for elbowing a S. African player going for a header. Next, the French conceded two goals, before pulling one back. And when the match ended, Jar Jar chose not to exit the pitch with dignity. Instead he took his last moment in the spotlight to confront S. African coach Carlos Alberto Parreira.

Said Parreira: “I believe it was because I had criticized his team after they qualified (when they cheated to beat Ireland to qualify for the World Cup), but I really don't remember. This is what his assistants told me.”

And then there’s Evra, who complained about being yanked for the game and subsequently promised: “France will know the truth.”

At this stage, I think “France” would be exceedingly pleased if the team plane was blown off course and disappeared over the Bermuda Triangle. Even if they did vanish, all kinds of other self-important Frenchmen have promised inquests: “everyone will go before the federal council.”

Even Jennifer Lopez is saying …

Next on my list of disdain is the extinct flightless bird once known as Super Eagle, but for the next four years should be called the Super DoDo. Nigeria…. Oh Nigeria. How you stunk up the joint, drawing 2-2 with S. Korea yesterday and exiting the tournament. Nigeria took a great 1-0 lead then conceded two cheap goals. As the match wore on, they missed chance after chance after chance. The one missed by Yakubu is painful to watch. Needless to say, Booger from “Revenge of the Nerds” would score in a nunnery full of menopaused mother superiors before him.

A quick note on Portugal’s demolition of N. Korea (7-0) Monday… these self-centered Iberian hacks were so focused on running up the score that they never even considered what that result would mean to those N. Korean players and their families (read never to be seen again). Sportsmanship… alive and well in Lisboa.

That result also requires the Ivory Coast to win by 9 goals to qualify for the next round. That will happen shortly after Argentine players stop wearing mullets and hair bands. In other words, NEVER. That leaves Algeria (v USA) and Ghana (V Germany) as the only hope that an African nation will advance to the knockout stage in the only World Cup played in Africa. Pack up your dashikis boys - right next to your Members Only jacket and pink Izod shirts. There is no joy in Joh-berg… Mighty Africa has struck out. My theory as to why: None of the African nations have worn the Puma African Unity jersey in the tournament!

Before I forget, a FIRST FIVEer has requested that I mention Uruguay in the post. Having completed that sentence, I believe that request has been met... Seriously, the South American nations are looking quite strong thus far. And despite my casual dismissal, Uruguay (yet to concede a goal at this cup) is a proud footballing nation. In fact, it is the first football super power, having won two pre World Cup world championships (1924 and 1928), then winning the first cup in 1930, and another in 1950. That’s four titles and four stars on the national team kit! Somewhere in Ecuador (don’t ask why) a man who is impossible to understand in Spanish or English is smiling.

In other news, after showing the strength of his pimp hand, England coach Fabio Capello has declared: “I’m not crazy. England can win the World Cup.” And suddenly that pimp hand has gone limp.

The Brits have to beat Slovenia today to advance. They should, but with several injuries in defense, uncertainty about midfield, an impotent strike force, and an Anglo-Saxon pox lingering since 1966, you couldn’t be blamed for expecting a France-like meltdown. Playing at the same time is USA-Algeria. Newsweek is calling Algeria “The other French team,” which only dooms them further in my book. I’m openly biased here, so I can see nothing but a US win. The Yanks usually perform well with their backs up against a wall. And when they perform, the professor professes: “Beer shall flow like water.” Coincidentally, if anyone reading the blog is an attorney, I may require bail later.

No matter the early upsets, the big teams always perform and the US can now count itself among the group of big teams that have never won the World Cup – Spain, Netherlands, and Portugal. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it three times: “The cream, my friends, always rises to the top.”

I’ve already picked today’s games, but here are picks for Thursday:

Paraguay-New Zealand (2-1): The S. Americans think the New Zealanders are the Kiwis you can eat... and eat them.

Slovakia-Italy (0-2): The cannoli cream will dive, roll dramatically on the ground, fuss with its hair, then rises theatrically to the top.

Cameroon-Netherlands (1-3): The Clockwork Orange strikes midnight on Africa's last and only hope.

Denmark-Japan (2-1): Ichiban may be #1, but the Danes do it better.

And now, your Footie anecdote:

FIFA is planning to closely watch the final round of the group stage matches for any match-fixing. Their “Early Warning System” is supposed to detect irregular betting patterns in every match. In addition, FIFA has set up a telephone hotline for players, referees or coaches to report if they are approached by a third party offering them a bribe for match-fixing or betting. Here are some calls that have already been lodged on the FIFA hotline’s voicemail:

Call #1: Silence… Followed by the sound of Italians giggling.

Call #2: Silence… Followed by the sound of Arab billionaires giggling.

Call #3: Silence… Followed by the sound of Russian gangster/oligarchs laughing hysterically.

And of course, the inevitable…

CLASS DISMISSED