It's The Most Wonderful Time In Four Years!

Welcome class. It's Footie 101 - Day one, World Cup Edition.


First, many thanks to all who appreciated yesterday's World Cup poem. A special big up to FIRST FIVER The Truth, who spread the burst of creativity far and wide! Carl, your first beer's on me!


Well... we've all been waiting and today, it all kicks off. But after being wound up for weeks like a 40-year-old virgin at Carnaval in Rio, I'm strangely calm today. I'm a bit nostalgic for 2006 with all the steins of beer, giggling Frauen, and wonderful footie on display. Good times... but now its time for new memories.


And first among them comes from the proprietors of Kitty Hoynes, where I'll be watching most of the matches over the next month. Being an Irish Pub, Hoynes is offering all kinds of wonderful World Cup specials - chief among them is the "Hand Ball Shot." This will be dolled out to all in the bar each time France's opponent scores a goal. France, as you will recall, knocked Ireland out of a World Cup place by cheating to score a goal. Who says the Irish don't know how to hold a grudge? Bartender, I'll have a Bush Mills Black Bush.... pleeeeeeez!


Unfortunately for Bafana Bafana (South Africa's nickname for its team), inspirational former president Nelson Mandela will NOT appear at the opening match. A death in the family prompted Mandela to take care of family concerns. That takes a massive amount of lift out from the team's home cooking. That only leaves the rest of the country to lift them up... We shall seeeeeeee.


Speaking of seeing, ESPN – the falsely self-proclaimed “World Wide Leader In Sports” – announced in January that it would broadcast World Cup matches in 3D! But the cable providers were slow to respond in time for the tournament. If you have Time Warner, AT&T, Comcast, Dish, or DirecTV, you probably thought you wouldn’t be able to get the cup in 3D this time round and were happy with your recent (non 3D) HD flat screen purchase.

But the providers have slowly trickled out announcements that they’ve upgraded to present the matches in 3D. Comcast was out front in May, but it took another month for most of the others to step up. Over the past couple days, DirecTV, Dish Network, and AT&T announced they too will broadcast ESPN’s 3D World Cup channel. There’s still no word from Time Warner. I pity the fools who still have Time Warner cable.

So despite many of you having already bought brand new HD flat screen televisions for the tournament, pack ‘em up, return them to the stores, and exchange them for a 3D capable flat screen. Don’t forget the 3D glasses!

In other news, ambassadors in Washington and London have wagered a steak on Saturday’s World Cup match between the Septic Tanks (rhymes with Yanks) and the Limey’s (Brit sailors used to drink the juice to stave off scurvy). The bet was brokered in cables between aides to US Ambassador Louis Susman and UK Ambassador Sir Nigel Sheinwald.

"We will understand if you decline, given the outcome of the last such encounter," a US aide wrote, referring to the US defeat of England in 1950.

A UK aide said Sir Nigel took his steak like that win - "somewhat rare.”

I like the spirit of the wager, but if the best they could come up with was a steak, I now know why one empire fell and the other one is teetering like Humpty Dumpty. Why not bet that the loser has to stand in front of the embassy, and do the Humpty Dance – dressed accordingly? Yeah… I like that bet!

In other diplomatic footie news, South Africa's Jacob Zuma invited all 52 of his fellow African heads of state to the World Cup. That includes an invite to Sudan's Omar al-Bashir, who'd be arrested the moment he hit South African soil. Zuma told his parliament that he was prepared to act on the warrant issued for the Sudanese leader by the International Criminal Court for war crimes in Darfur. Boys, Boys! I'm sure there will be plenty of crimes committed on the pitch in the coming weeks for the international tribunal to consider. Meanwhile, can't we all just get along... in football?

For all you ECO-Footie Fans, nine World Cup teams will wear jersey's made from recycled plastic bottles. Among them are Brazil, the Netherlands and Portugal. Each shirt is made from eight plastic bottles. Plastic.... Jersey's... I'm all for saving the planet, but there's something about "Plastic Jersey's" that just sounds wrong.

And speaking of wrong, contrary to established wisdom, the United States has purchased more World Cup tickets than any nation outside of host country South Africa. We Yanks have purchased 132,000 golden tickets!
And now for three completely bizarre items… which is more loco?


1) England supporter Dan Taylor has decked the living room of his two-story, semi-detatched house with (wait for it.....) Turf!

2) The Portuguese team’s camouflage paintball bonding exercise, (can you say Abu Ghraib) or ... 3)the Argentine version. You be the judge…

TODAY'S MATCH PICKS:
No Mandela = No Victory: South Africa 1 - Mexico 2

They hate each other, they hate their coach, and everybody hates them. Still, France is talented enough for: Uruguay 1 - France 1

And now for your anecdote:


France defender Bacary Sagna has set a worrying tone to his imminent marriage to
his long-time girlfriend. The wedding date is set for July 17, while the World Cup final will be July 11. Sagna believes France (despite Coach Raymond Domenech) can win it.
"With the World Cup, you can never be sure of winning it and I don't even know if I would have the chance to play in another," Sagna said. "My future wife, the mother of my child, I already have. She, I see or talk to her every day. The World Cup, on the other hand..."

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