For the Love of Deutschmarks, Sheikhs, and Stampeeeeeeeedes

Please take your seats class. We have a lot of material to cover today in Footie 101!

This will be our first blog without a central theme, rather an amalgamation of many smaller, but no less significant, items.

Let’s start with the news that the German Bundesliga overtook the English Premier League as the most profitable footie league in Europe for the 2008-2009 season – the most recent where statistics are available. In raw numbers, the English league generated $134 million profit, while the German league generated $210 million. Further, the Bundesliga attracted 8,000 more fans to each match than the Premiership. And lastly, English clubs spent more on wages ($2 billion) than any other European league. Comparably, German clubs spent $986 million, Spanish clubs spent $1.2 billion, Italian clubs, $1.4 billion, and French clubs $887 million.

What does it all mean? Well, Bavarian JAM (one of The First Five blog followers) might suggest that this is the product of prudent German bookkeeping, and signals that Germany, not England, is Europe’s next super league. This coincidentally is the same man who - during late night drinking sessions at Euro 2004 - refused to allow us take taxis home from the cafes. “No Robert, we can walk it!” Know this about Lisbon… it’s an absolutely gorgeous city, but it is the hilliest place I’ve ever been in my life. And simple math states that hilly terrain, drunken pedestrians, and me with 15 minutes before I fall asleep where I stand, is a bad bottom line. Yes we walked it… and I hated JAM every step… ruin my buzz…. Hmmmph!

But here, he could potentially have a point. The English, Italian, and Spanish leagues have all benefited from lucrative television contracts and foreign sugar daddy owners, and subsequently spent massive amounts on players over the past decade. Meanwhile, Deutschland has largely kept its “Fußball” books on solid ground. The Bundesliga's rise in fortune over the Premiership is down to intelligent financial management by the Germans and idiotically reckless spending by the English. This doesn’t mean that the fall of the Premiership is etched in stone, but if you have a few million €uros laying around, you may want to consider investing in 1899 Hoffenheim, or DSC Arminia Bielefeld instead of Sheffield Wednesday, or Crystal Palace.

Speaking of heaps of cash laying around, Spain's Malaga CF (which finished just one place ahead of the relegation zone this past season) is reportedly about to be purchased by Qatari Sheikh Abdullah bin Nasser Al-Thani for $30 million. When there’s a bonfire of Middle East sugar daddies who throw money at football clubs to arrest their idle rich boredom – Mohamed Al-Fayed (Fulham FC), Sheikh Mansour bin Zayed Al Nahyan (Manchester City), Ali Al Faraj (Portsmouth) in England alone – what’s another one added to the pyre?

On a slightly related note, English clubs Chelsea and Manchester United are reported to be deeper in debt than they have publicly acknowledged. Chelsea owner (and secret baby seal soul-sucker) Roman Abramovich has apparently transferred his $1 billion loan to the club to a holding company instead of forgiving the debt, as the club previously reported. This means that the D*#@y Blues could violate UEFA’s new financial guidelines (banning the club from European competitions). But more worryingly, it suggests that if Czar Abramovich falls out of love with the club (as billionaire oligarchs are want to do), he could demand repayment on the debt when he sells. Last I checked, the club was only worth $646 million. So even if he sold Chelsea for what it’s worth, that would leave the club (ehheeeemmm) $354 million in debt. I hope those FA cups and premier league titles are worth it when the club no longer exists…

Similarly, ManU has been outed by a BBC Panorama expose' suggesting that American owner Malcolm Glazer (and sons) has placed the club $577 million deeper in debt than previously reported. That puts the club’s debt level at $1.6 billion. Last I checked, the club was worth $1.8 million. So even after selling, the club would be solvent. I’ve always believed that although the Glazers fully financed the purchase of the club in 2005, they are sound managers. And when they sell the club – no doubt for many times its worth, based on its unequaled global marketing profile – the club will be on very sound financial footing. And oh, by the way, the Glazers have only led the club to its most productive era: three consecutive Premiership titles (2006–07, 2007–08, 2008–09), three league cups (2005–06, 2008–09, 2009–10), two Community Shields (2007, 2008), the UEFA Champions League (2007-08), and a FIFA World Club Cup (2008). And still the United faithful cast aspersions on the Glazers. This is why Manchester United supporters are the Parisians of club football.

Non-ManU fan to his ManU fan friend: “Hey, let's watch my club play on TV!”

ManU fan: “If you insist… but it’s not United.”

Pfffff, and double Pfffff to that crap!

One more note on football finances. Fox and ESPN have won the right to broadcast Italian Serie A in the Americas through the 2011-12 season. Fox maintains its exclusive rights in the US, while ESPN remains the broadcaster in Latin America and the Caribbean. It’s all status quo, but if you are a fan of slow, defense-minded, anti-football, you still need to know where to get your brain-killing football fix. Saluto.

Now, with it nearly being the most wonderful time of the football calendar, many of you should have noticed that there was a disturbing, but minor stampede outside of a Johannesburg stadium hosting a pre-World Cup friendly between Nigeria and North Korea (3-1). A policeman was seriously injured, along with about 15 others. It was a small stadium and match organizers (in their infinite wisdom) offered free tickets to the match, outside of the stadium, just before kick off. For future reference class:

FREE TICKETS + OUTSIDE STADIUM + JUST BEFORE KICKOFF = STAMPEDE!

FIFA King Sepp Blatter had a stern warning for the South African organizers: “Don’t make me take off my belt!”

Ok, I’ve rambled on enough for today. But as we are just days away from football nirvana, I thought I’d leave you with a double treat. First this sick video courtesy of Ante (cheers my friend), and lastly, your football anecdote:

Brazilian President Lula da Silva says Argentina's policy allowing its players to have sex with their wives and girlfriends during the World Cup will undermine their chances of winning. Said Lula: "I want to see the Argentines arrive staggering and exhausted to their games."

CLASS DISMISSED