The End of Landy Cakes - My Slice of Humbled Pie

All rise… welcome to Footie 101: the honorable Footie Professor professing.

Class, this morning I’m reminded of a little girl in my fourth grade class named Anita. Now, Anita was a bit homely looking for my refined fourth grade taste, so when she made pre-pubescent advances towards me, I spurned her as 8-year-old boys are want to do: “Eeeeewwwwwww! Coodies!!!” With some 30+ years of living since, I’ve seen many formerly homely lasses turn into straight foxes, and I can only imagine just how fine little Anita has become.

I relay this story because you will find parallels in football. For the past decade I have been a heavy critic of USA midfielder Landon Donovan, and I still believe the criticism was sound. As a much younger player, Donovan spurred repeated opportunities to raise his game playing in Europe and repeatedly scurried back to comfy Cali with his tail between his legs. The most egregious episode for me came during a spell with Bayer Leverkusen in the German Bundesliga. The homesick surfer boy bemoaned that he“missed his girlfriend,” and back to MLS he came.

All during this time his performances for the US men’s national team continued to impress. But stateside observers questioned his mettle and dubbed him “Landy Cakes” – an epithet I’ve used for him on more than one occasion.

Never again.

After a rather anonymous 90 minutes Wednesday in the crucial group stage decider against Algeria, Donovan led a stoppage time counter attack, sliding the ball to an eager Jozy Altidore, who centered for Clint Dempsey. When Dempsey’s shot (he had something like eight on target) was hacked down and time stood still, Donovan ran straight down the middle of the box and drilled the ball into the back of the Algerian net in the 91st minute... It’s now more than 36 hours since that goal and I’m still buzzing.

Donovan has shown throughout his career that he is talented, but in the past year or so, he’s stepped up his game, shown the mental fortitude of a warrior, and (for my money) vanquished the “Landy Cakes” label for all time. Let’s not forget it was Donovan who led the US comeback when they were down 2-nil to Slovenia. So impressive are Donovan’s performances at this World Cup that Fox Soccer Channel’s “Ticket to South Africa” panelists (far superior to the Alexi Lalas drivel on the World Wide Leader) knighted him “Sir Landon Donovan,” and that’s how I’ll refer to him from now on.

Class, you can take a lesson from this. No matter how big of a donkey, wimp, or waste of oxygen you may think a player is, that player can always improve, turn around and prove you wrong. Sir Landon, I salute your True Grit.

Some absent grit from this squad has been the pre-hyped talent of Freddie Adu. Many have asked me “Where’s Freddie?” I remind you; he’s just turned 22 and has the potential to be influential in at least the next two World Cups. Chilllll Winston! If we’re lucky, Freddie will be a continuation of the Rise of US Soccer.

Next Up for the US is Ghana – the only African nation to make it to the round of 16 (Ivory Coast still has a slim chance). Now class, you know I’ve been all about African Unity at this World Cup, but the USA has a score to settle with Ghana from 2006. I was at the match and despite paying €250 for a scalped ticket with a face value of €27, sitting three rows from the very back of the stadium, and having an obstructed view; it was one of the most satisfying experiences of my life to see my nation play in a World Cup. And to have all that blighted by a highly questionable penalty awarded for a diving Ghanaian named Razak Pimpong …. Pffff! Well, come Saturday there will be consequences and repercussions!

Now, onto other class topics.

I predicted that defending champions Italy would step up and progress to the next round. In keeping with my predictions being completely wrong, the Italians were summarily run out of the tournament by Slovakia (3-2). I can’t say I’m disappointed, as the Italians are notorious for playing very unattractive anti-football. What it means, however, is that there’s one more unfancied team in the knockout phase. Could we see a Cinderella crowned champion? Sure… and the freshly minted US Wall Street reform will actually curb corporate greed.

Then there's England. Having staggered to a second place finish in the group behind Team USA, England now face its old enemy Germany and have already begun practicing penalties. Those of you who’ve been studying up will know that England-Germany is one of the most storied and entertaining rivalries in world football – especially for ze Germans. Deutschland has owned the Brits for decades now, especially if the match must be decided on penalties. The Germans have twice beaten England on penalties at major tournaments - in the 1990 World Cup and at Euro 96. The one recent exception to this Germanic domination was the 5-1 drubbing of the Huns in Munich by the Limeys in a 2001 World Cup qualifier. So meaningful was this aberration that the English continue to celebrate it to this day. England striker Michael Owen scored a hat trick in that match and hasn’t been heard from since. Faint rumors suggest he’s hold up with D-Day writing an English football sequel to “Animal House” called “The Pub.”

And speaking of England, football, and drinking, it seems uptight England manager Fabio Capello has loosened his Roman cod piece and (in response to the attempted player coup earlier in the week) is allowing the lads to have a pint or two the night before their matches. Said England midfielder Frank Lampard of Capello’s change of heart: “A lot has been made about the boredom in the hotel, but you can't come away for a month and live like a monk. You might have one or two beers – you don't have to have 10.” Riiiiiiiiight.

You see, players getting wasted before a match is as much a part of English football culture as… well, getting wasted before a match. Of course there was that brief period in the 1990s when English footballers got all holier than thou. It peaked with the famous goal celebration by Liverpool striker Robbie Fowler, who decided to be a role model for English children and show them that there were better ways to live their lives than getting drunk at the pub every day.

Apparently, Fowler’s act of selflessness fell upon dry lips because the all out English drinking culture remains strong. Don’t take my word for it. Ask the bar owners in Bloemfontein, S. Africa, where the English will take on the Germans Sunday. Bloemfontein is in a part of S. Africa that is notoriously conservative, and as a custom most bars don’t serve alcohol on Sundays. That is until they learned the English were coming! Said one Bloemfontein bartender: “Of course we’ll be serving alcohol. We’ve got the English and the Germans coming – if we were closed we’d deserve to go out of business.”

In a British-related story, the Kiwis of New Zealand are out of the tournament despite never losing. The 0-0 final group match with Paraguay left the team headed back to Auckland, but not before a New Zealand lawmaker attempted to create a public holiday to mark the achievements of the team. Hearing that the bill was rejected by the nation’s parliament within 15 seconds of its introduction, supporters at the match “rioted.” Actually, they stayed in the stadium singing praises of their side in a marvelous Kiwi stupor.

Continuing on the government angle, former US President Bill Clinton was seen plotting the overthrow of western democracy with FIFA King Sepp Blatter during the USA match. Clinton apparently enjoyed the last gasp victory so much that he cheered his voice into submission. The former president is said to have scribbled a note to Blatter detailing a remedy that would bring his voice back to life. Through diligent investigation, the Footie Professor has learned the exact language of Clinton’s note: “I need some herbal tea, some lemon, and loooooooots of brown sugar.” King Blatter is said to have responded by turning to an underling, clapping twice and shouting: “Brown Sugar for the President!” And then they both disappeared into a sinister puff of smoke.

Lastly on the political tip, French President Nicolas Sarkozy met with French striker Thierry Henry yesterday and discussed the national team’s World Cup melt down. Other than cancelling the state business of the fifth largest economy in the world to conduct the meeting, little else is known. There was, however an insightfully observant piece about the French in the Guardian. Let’s hope I’m not required to return to this bucket of “Liberté, égalité, and fraternité” again.

A couple of other quick notes. Having not mentioned Argentina coach Diego Maradona for a couple blogs, I’ve been told Diego has stepped up his buffoonery just to stay in the blog. He’s apparently said he may call new Real Madrid manager Jose Mourinho for advice in the coming days of the World Cup. Said Diego: “He seemed to me a guy to take to your bedside table and ask him each time you need something… I've got his phone number, I might call him.” Fearing what you think I’m thinking, I’m gonna leave that one alone.

Meanwhile, China – a nation not even in the tournament – has seen a massive spike in online gambling since the World Cup kicked off earlier this month. Despite gambling being illegal (except in Macau), Chinese officials busted its biggest ever gambling ring last week, arresting 70 people. There’s ingenuity for you. The Chinese people can’t have a functioning Google, but will be damned if they can’t make an internet bet on the World Cup.

Now, we’re down to the final four matches to decide which four sides join the round of 16. Here are my picks for the weekend:

TODAY:
Portugal-Brazil (1-3): Portugal gave us Brazil, but Brazil gave us Samba!

N. Korea-Ivory Coast (0-2): What the Ivory Coast needs, it won’t get.

Chile-Spain (1-3): Chile gave us a false claim to the origin of Pisco. Spain gave us flamingo!

Switzerland-Honduras (2-0): St. Bernards rescue people in the snow with a mini flask of brandy!

SATURDAY:
Uruguay-S. Korea (1-2): Much to the chagrin of a First Fiver, I’m going with the Koreans because of a girl I once knew named Y Mee – I swear! That was her name!

USA-Ghana (2-1): Revenge is sweet sayeth the Prof.

SUNDAY:
England-Germany (1-1): Drunk, high, or sober, the English never beat the Germans on penalties.

Argentina-Mexico (3-1): Messi likes tacos! And I’ll be the shoulder for Salma Hayek to cry on.


And now, your footie anecdote:
Signs of the World Cup:

CLASS DISMISSED