We're finally starting to get some variety in the World Cup commercials... phew!
Now then, host nation South Africa looks headed out of the tournament - making it the first host nation to not make the knockout stages - after being housed by Uruguay 3-0 Wednesday. You could hear vuvuzelas drop from the lips of Bafana Bafana supporters as the South American's stroked in their second goal. That subsequent collective sigh you heard was the expression of exasperation by striking stadium security workers when they realized they would not be paid. Bring on the Storm Troopers!
The first round of group play was "A New Hope" for Asian teams (the S. Korea and Japan all earning valuable and unlikely wins against Greece and Cameroon respectively, while N. Korea bravely battled perennial favorite Brazil to a 2-1 loss, and New Zealand - if you count them - earned an historic draw with Slovakia). And Wednesday's beginning of the second round had to be the "Empire Strikes Back," as Uruguay and Argentina (4 FIFA World Cups between them) proved that the cream always rises to the top. The Argentines put S. Korea to the sword, tango-ing them into submission 4-1.
"Lioneeeelllll..... Use the Force Lioneelllllll!"
This, of course, has left Englishmen terrified that Argentina coach (and UK tormentor) Diego Maradona, could lead his squad to the finals. Callers into UK sports radio's TalkSport expressed horror that the "cheat," "drugs cheat," and "despicable human being" the world knows as Maradona could find his way into the World Cup final. “It would be an outright disgrace," one caller from Middle Earth decried. All that therapy (read pints), and all those years since the handball incident (that’s 24), and their own incompetence (despite having invented the modern game, they've only won ONE World Cup - and that was in 1966), and they STILL can't get over "The Hand of God." Hey lads, you won the battle that mattered (see Falkland’s War).
In other news, I was visited in a dream last night by the Creator. He/She reminded me I've yet to post a blog without mentioning Diego and cajoled: “Blogger, blog thyself!"
Since I can't seem to write a single blog without mentioning Bowba Maradonna, I'll go right back to the well with an episode of "Return of the Basehead!" Some bored journalists baited the Argentine manager telling him that Pele (whom he hates because Pele IS the best player of all time) and UEFA President and former French national Michel Platini criticised his management of the team. Dark side apprentice Platini, affraid that Maradona will direct his daily dose of coke-hangover inpsired drivel, sent Maradona a letter explaining that he'd not criticized him. Maradonna's response: "I want to send my apologies through you (reporters) to Mr. Platini, but not Pele."
Elsewhere, the Raymond Domenech-led French, err players (not team) stunk up the joint Thursday. Jar Jar Domenech showed once again that he can muck up anything he lays eyes on. Ohhhh, the dark side. The French lost 2-0 to Mexico and are all but eliminated. Meesuh think yousa, needsa newsa coacha.
And speaking of the dark side, the not-so Super Eagles of Nigeria could have used any kind of force they could lay their hands on as they underminded any opportunity presented to them. After going up 1-0 to Greece, Nigerian defender Taiwo kicked out at a Greek player and was sent off. Just before halftime, they conceded a cheap goal, and then in the second missed two gilded chances to go up 2-1. Credit to the Greeks - who were European champions not so long ago in 2004.
Next up is a match with no Diego connections whatsoever! – USA’s second match Friday against Slovenia. The US has a point from its draw with England, while the Slo-whatchamacallits have 3 points from their opening win against Algeria. The US MUST win if it hopes to advance, while the Slo-Moes can sit back, defend and break on the counterattack. That said, it should be a US win.
These are the first words I've offered about Team USA, which means I need to cover some old stuff. There was amazing atmosphere all round the nation as Americans and English alike joined arms to sing Kumbayay over pints of warm (European) or tasteless (Bud, Miller, Coors) beer. The match was warm, but like our beer, a bit tasteless for me. Of course the new
s reports of the match in the UK and America were completely twisted. UK tabloids lambasted eerily unlucky English goalkeeper Robert Green, who muffed the hot fire unleashed by Clint Dempsey from 30 years, allowing it to slowly dribble into his own net. Perhaps he was thinking he shouldn’t have broken up with Canadian girlfriend Elizabeth Minett. Or perhaps he was cursing her for not having more for him to practice holding onto.... hmmmmmm.American reports called it the biggest draw since Bunker Hill. All they've said is how close we were to actually beating the English. I see that hyperbole and raise it with a gigantic yaaaawwwwwwn. The truth is that England (who take on Algeria Friday) had just as many, if not more, chances to take the lead. The draw was a legit result and both nations should progress to the knockout stages.
Now, back to my secret favorite team - the North Koreans. First, we all saw the open spigot of tears pouring from N. Korean player Jong Tae-Se during his national anthem Wednesday. Again, "journalist" suggested that he was moved to represent his country on the world's biggest football stage. The Footie Professor calls that Hong Kong Fuey! It's far more likely that Jong was responding to a last minute communiqué from Dear Leader Kim Jong-Il, who encouraged him by dangling his family from a rackety crate over a pond full of ravenous laser-armed piranha-sharks - a new species engineered during down time of his new Kor-zillian biological experiments.
Then there's the enevitable defection of N. Korean players. Kim Myong-wan, An Chol-hyok, Kim Kyong-il, and Pak Sung-hyak - have all gone missing. Dear Leader reportedly pased one of them in the hotel hallway just before their evaporation. A sly fan recorded the exchange on his mobile phone...
Meanwhile, team coach Kim Jong-hun (did you know that hun means Il in Korean!) set the reporter pool straight Monday after a South Korean journalist referred to his northern neighbor as "North Korea" and not "the Democratic People's Republic of Korea."
"There's no such country named 'North Korea,' Hun / Il said. "Next question." The follow-up query about Dear Leader was cut off by a FIFA official, who reminded reporters that there's no politics in sport... unless FIFA King Sepp Blatter says so.
Speaking of King Sepp, he's swept another ticket controversy under the rug after tickets assigned to a UK television station were illegally sold, then used by a Netherlands beer company for a guerrilla marketing campaign involving orange miniskirts and a gaggle of lovely Dutch (or South African depending on who you ask) lasses promoting the beer.
I fully agree with King Sepp about his bottom line, but the World Cup needs its scantily clad "ladies" like the German theater needed Her Shrek in "Shadow of the Vampire."
After FIFA was forced to acknowledge that some 36 marketing miscreants were taken to a re-education facility in the Dagoba System, Darth Blatter was heard to say:
"Getchyo hand outta my pocket!" before unsheathing his Swiss Edition light saber and stabbing Spanish midfielder Iniesta in the groin. (How do you say "that's going to leave a mark" in Spanish?)
And speaking of the Swiss (of which King Blatter is counted), some of you may think Blatter intervention is the only way they could beat the emperious Francisco Franco possessed Spanish team. But let's not forget this is essentially the same Swiss team that went the entire group stage of the 2002 World Cup without conceding a goal, and was only booted in the knockout stages in a penalty shoot out.
In true Star Wars fashion, ESPN's Roberto Martinez (a Spaniard) was asked after Spain's loss if all hope was lost for beautiful football, and tastey Latin alcoholic drinks. His reply: "There is another..."
Next, I am happy to report that sometimes sober, but always hilariously entertaining blogger Crazy Burnley Talk, has discovered that Special 1 TV has returned! If you are not hip, S1TV was the funniest puppet footie satire that's ever graced the airways. Whether it sounds like your cup of tea or not, I'm making this a mandatory class assignment! You'll be met with a puppet of newly minted Real Madrid manager Jose Mourinho, who hosts the show bearing the name he game himself when he joined Chelsea after winning the UEFA Champions League with Portuguese minnows Porto in 2004. Watch.... and enjoy!
And now, your footie anecdote:
UK broadsheet The Independent buried this nugget in a lengthy and somewhat dreary report about how English fans should be more mild mannered like their Japanese counterparts. The article, mysteriously ends with this treasure on England Keeper Robert Green's gaff against the red white and blue: "If John Terry really cared about England, about two months ago he'd have shagged Robert Green's missus."
CLASS DISMISSED
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