In The Beginning, There Was Football (The Round One)…

Class, welcome to Footie 101. I’m The Footie Professor and I’ll be your instructor.

Mark this day in the annals of world history, for The Footie Professor has come to save you from typical, one-dimensional, xenophobic footie commentary.

I’ve struggled with the notion of putting pen to….. uh, finger to keyboard for some time, but the steady spew of brain-killing, online commentary (I’m talking to you “World Wide Leader”) has left me little choice.

That said, I will endeavor to give you the straight scoop (as I see it), on all the footie news that's fit to print…., uh, post. As this is the global game, I aim to discuss it from the four corners of the globe.

I’m open to honest and respectful feedback… but won’t suffer ninnies. Crazy Burnley Talk and Raging Rosario Ramblings will see you placed on double secret probation. Instead let’s talk about George Weah’s political career, or the true source of Roman Abrahmovich’s wealth – killing baby dolphins and feasting on their souls. And as a football academic, it’s my responsibility to put contemporary developments into historical, economical, and political context.

So we’ll start our inaugural lecture with the actual biggest story in football at the moment – UEFA’s decision to rein in football administrators spending club funds like drunken Democrats. The new rule states that if a UEFA-recognized club spends more than it earns, the club will be disqualified from all UEFA tournaments. And despite UEFA President Michel Platini being a swarthy smurf, I have to say he’s onto something. Think not? Then you’re probably one of those fans that used to support Manchester United or Newcastle, but switched to Chelsea when Roman started buying premiership titles and FA cups (I’m talkin bout you Kasey!) How’s that Champions League bribe coming Romey Baby?

But those who support Spanish clubs (excluding Barcelona and Real Madrid) should see this as a godsend. La Liga limped to its finish this season under the constant threat of a player walk-out. Why? Because so many players through all four divisions were not being paid. You see in Spain, "Barrrrrthhhelona" and "Madddddhrid" (the two biggest) sell their television rights directly, while the others are left to collectively bargain for the scraps left over. This means that Barca and Madrid are eternally swimming in cheese while the likes of Getafe and Mallorca are left to over- and under-achieve on scraps and mined talent from Castropol (look it up). The UEFA rule won’t change the La Liga disparity, but it will keep the clubs solvent, paying their players, and around for future generations of supporters.

But for clubs like ManU, Chelsea, AC Milan and Manchester City – which have sugar daddies that burn stacks of cash just to see the sad expressions of out-of-work Midlands chimney sweeps and Como wine stompers (look it up) – they’re gonna need to get their financial houses in order. Gracious as always, UEFA is giving them till 2018 to do it. That idle rich yawnning sound you hear in surround sound is coming from the UK, Spain, and Russia simultaneously.

On the other hand, you’ve got Arsenal – financial house in order, prudent financial investments, never spends more than it makes, invests in youth development and its women’s club, and never signs a player over 30 to more than a revolving year-long contract. Granted, the club hasn’t won anything for the past five years, but it’ll be around fifty years from now. (Did I mention that the Arsenal Ladies own women’s football?) And despite the trophy drought, many other clubs cite Arsenal as the model of financial responsibility. Portsmouth, are you listening?

In other news – two weeks ago – most mainstream football media glazed over the Confederation of African Football (from here on out referred to as CAFeter) backing down from banning Togo from the next two African Cup of Nations tournaments. You see, Togo pulled out of the 2010 tournament in midstream after their bus was shot up in Angola while travelling between match venues. A team coach, spokesman and bus driver were killed. The heartless and greedy Vulcan that runs CAFeter (yeah you Issa Hayatou) decided that assassination was no excuse for the team with the African Footballer of the Year (Emmanuel Adabayor) to leave mid tournament. So Togo was banned.

In steps FIFA President Joseph “Sepp” Blatter (FYI, I have been in the presence of King Sepp and I felt like Malcolm X meeting the Honorable Elijah Mohammad. All Praise is due to the Honorable Sepp Blatter). King Sepp, who owes his continued crown to the support of Hayatou and CAFeter, surprisingly intervened, “urging” Hayatou to back down, and the ban was lifted. This probably wouldn’t have happened 6-7 years ago as King Sepp hadn’t then delivered on his promise to bring a World Cup to the Motherland. Once the promise was delivered, CAFeter backed his re-election. Ungawa…. And hotep to the first World Cup in the cradle of mother f*#king civilization.

There’s one more subject I must broach in this inaugural lecture – the once grotesquely overweight ogre still known as Diego Maradona. Unlike most non-Brazilian South Americans, I don’t consider him the greatest player of all time – but do rate him amongst the best. He is so exalted in his native Argentina that fans founded a church in Rosario dedicated to worshiping him. Despite the marvelous football he played high on coke for most of his career, I must remind you that he is most known for cheating in 1986 – yes cheating. “It was the hand of God,” my ass! You cheated Diego! Don’t smile like you were smarter than everyone in the world. No Diego, you were HIGHER than everyone in the world.

And I have to wonder – despite his very necessary gastric bypass surgery – if substantial stockpiles of residual cocaine remain in his bowels. Evidence this litany of maleficience:

• May 19, 2010 – Maradona drives over a television cameraman’s leg, crushing it. Before the injured video journalist is taken to the emergency room, Maradona is heard to chastise: “What an asshole you are. How can you put your leg there where it can get run over, man?”

• March 30, 2010 – Maradona is hospitalized after his own dog bites him three times in the face. HIS OWN DOG!
• Jan. 10, 2010 – Maradona’s earrings are sold at auction for $30,000 to begin to pay off the $37 million he owes the Italian government in unpaid income taxes.
• Nov. 15, 2009 – FIFA ban Maradona for two months "from all football related activity" and fine him $21,570 for his outburst at the media after his side qualified for the World Cup on the last day by beating Uruguay. "You can all suck my ****," he told an assembly of journalists, and then repeated the offer several times, including directly into a television camera broadcasting live.
• 1991 – Asked about a court decision ordering him to pay child support to his illegitimate, six-year-old Italian son, Diego Jr., Maradona says: “They can order me to pay him money, but they can never order me to love him." Sixteen years later, Maradona apologized and offered to meet the boy.

That’ll do for today’s class. Check back in a couple days when I’ll lecture about the need for actual rules to be in football. Until then, I leave you with your anecdote of the day…


In 2005, Wigan Athletic began its first ever season in England’s top division. For the first three months of the season the little club that could held doggedly at fourth in the table. If Wigan were able to hold that position through the season, it would qualify for the Champions League. So surprising was the club’s first months in the Premier League that a reporter queried Wigan manager Paul Jewell: “When do you stop thinking about relegation and start thinking about Europe?” Without missing a beat, Jewell smiled sarcastically and replied: “After about 10 pints.”

CLASS DISMISSED